Some updates

I was just re-reading some entries from the past month (I should really go to bed) and it occured to me that I left you, my loyal readers, hanging on a few key items.

1. BNS: After I bailed on our date the second time, I haven't heard a peep from him again. I don't blame him, not at all. Do I feel bad? No, not necessarily. After all, the second time I blew him off was for a completely legitimate reason.

2. Yummy: Haven't heard from him in about a month now. I deleted him from my phone. No sleep lost there. What a drama queen...

3. Match: No action of note...of course there has not been an additional email nor a phone call from Match Justin. What an f-ing coward.

To....Bed!

Don't mind if I do

So one of the things that I really like about myself is that when I'm not happy, I do something about it. Go me. That deserves a pat on the back.

I told my roommate today (not Super Douche, the other one...you know, that I actually like) that I need to live in my own place. I was a bit nervous about relaying the news, but she was great about it. Bless her, really. I'm so relieved. Like I used to say when I was little (how cute was I?)...I feel like a hundred dollars.

Also, I have a new crush. We'll just call him "The MC" for now. Who knows where it will go, but he's fun and he makes me laugh and he's showering me with attention and compliments, which I need right now. I met him last week...when I got way too drunk.

More good news...Tomorrow is Friday and I get to see a very dear friend who I miss immensely. I will probably cry a bit when we embrace. But it's cool...I know she'll understand.

I'm happy the last couple weeks are finally over and I can see light at the end of the tunnel. It was a toughie.

Thanks for hanging in there...

Moving on

So Christmas Eve was not at all a good scene. I had a few glasses of wine and blubbered all night about how much of a mess my life is. You'd think I could hold it together. I could have cried at the drop of a hat. And then everyone reassured me my life wasn't a mess, I would not die alone and I was very successful etc. etc. They all told me how much they loved me, which was so nice to hear. Alas...no one could produce a loving significant other...no, not even a blue one.

Then my mother (my real mother) showed up. It wasn't so much upsetting as jarring. I was caught extremely off guard...not the kind of surprise I like. She was actually fine...it was her husband who was a real dick. Fuck him. And he was drunk, of course. It takes one to know one.

Transition to today, a much more normal and calm family gathering where I had an epiphany. If I can't afford to buy something right now, I need to rent a place and live by myself. I can't deal with roommates anymore. It's not anything in particular, I just feel like I'm suffocating. And as much as I love southie, I need somewhere to put my car. I pay too much for it to wonder if I'll ever see it in the same condition I left it. I think my sanity is worth more than anything else (including the down payment on a condo), at least for right now.

Obviously waiting until the winter ends to actually move is a good idea. I did a quick look and it appears that Malden/Medford are the places to be that I can afford and still save just a little bit. Wahoo. That also gives me more time to squirrel away money and something to look forward to. Perfect and more perfect.

New project! I needed this.

Man Children strike again

It's not a good sign when I'm the only one I know with balls lately.

I'm not sure if somewhere along the line in the 70's and 80's, Mom's went a little overboard with coddling their sons. Whatever the reason, I'm currently paying the price.

I've been emailing with Match Justin for a couple weeks now. A week ago today, I emailed him my phone number. I'm learning that it's a good litmus test. I got an email back from him suggesting we hang out this Thursday and that he would call me this weekend. At the end of the email, he included HIS phone number.

Starting to sound familiar yet??

When I got home last night, I had an email from him (no phone call) telling me has had more holiday celebrating to do than predicted and will not be able to hang out on Thursday but "certainly wants to get together."

UGH...really? He must know eH Chris.

I'm not returning the email, nor am I using his phone number. I very much doubt he will grow a set and actually use my phone number, so I'm sure I'll never hear from him again.

Do I need to give lessons? MAN is this frustrating! I'm normal (it's all relative) and I date online. There has to be a guy who has a set on there somewhere! Right?!?!

But honestly, I'm feeling much better about everything. Despite it all.

Merry Christmas!

I'm happy for you, really I am

Super Douche got engaged.

While I'm not typically into making jokes about killing myself (especially lately)...MAN am I tempted to make one.

But I won't.

But I think you get my drift.

Yeah, not cool

It's 2:30 in the morning on a Saturday. Surprisingly, I'm not drunk. In fact, I'm totally sober.

I tried to go to bed at 9:30. Unfortunately, the party in the apartment below me was just getting started. It doesn't seem to be a Christmas party.

I got out the ear plugs, fired up the white noise...and attempted to sleep until about 40 minutes ago. Then I gave up. No combination of sleeper's friends can drown it out, as I believe the main source of music is coming from the room directly below mine.

I know it's too late to reason with them (they are certainly all very drunk) and I've already tried calling the cops. They never came. (Did you know you need to actually dial 911 for a noise complaint? Last time I checked, that wasn't an emergency.)

I'm not usually into revenge BUT if I were having a party, I would have at least put a note on their door to invite them, or give them warning...so maybe they could go and stay with my parents or something...and get some sleep. I'm fucking tired. REALLY tired. It's been a rough couple of weeks.

I am also very hungry, as is typical if I'm awake at this hour. So anything I eat, they will certainly be blamed for.

SO I'm exacting my revenge. It may involve ringing their bell super early one morning or maybe sabotaging some laundry that they happen to leave downstairs. It will happen when they least expect it. I kind of wish the old man on the first floor was home. He'd call the police until they came and not just give up, resolving to be miserable and sleepless.

In other random news: Super Douche (hated roommate) has gotten me a Christmas gift. It's all cute and glittery in a little bag with a card. I'm pretending I don't see it, only because I don't really know what to make of it. I most certainly did not get her anything.

Also...I've been feeling really down the last few days. I went out Tuesday and got ridiculously drunk and called into work on Wednesday. Very irresponsible. I think I've been feeling down because I'm drinking entirely more alcohol than I am accustomed to, and on a regular basis. Living in the city and having a social life is not a good mix with the anti-crazy pills. So I need to tone that down. I'm sure it will help.

Then there's the whole Mike thing. I'm sick of thinking about it and talking about it, so that's all I will say.

(you're getting a long entry...suffering along with me...)

Being that I'm just sitting here, trying to waste time until they all pass out downstairs (hopefully it won't be long now), I started looking into some old files that I had transferred over from my old computer. I wrote a few pretty decent short stories years ago and I was re-reading them. They are about me being lost and confused and angry. I'm hoping when I'm not over tired, I can convince myself that things are different now.

What should I eat? I think some oatmeal...

It's not just the weather outside that's frightful

My horoscope for today:

It's difficult to avoid intensity today, even if your reactions make your life more complicated than necessary. The more you attempt to deny your feelings now, the less control you have over what happens. Loosen the reins and take the course of least resistance. As long as you stay true to yourself while remaining kind to others, things should work out okay.

It's intense, alright Rick Levine. How did you know?

I'm picking up more drugs today.

Meanwhile, I'm really sick of people talking about the weather and making excuses because of the weather. Leave earlier, drive slower, don't be an idiot.

Why is it so hard?

Medicated

It's official...I am drugging myself beginning now and throughout the holiday season. Between recent family tragedies, disillusionment with my career, my lack of significant other (and recent setbacks in that department) and my absence of New Year's Eve Plans (I mean I'm working on it, but I'm just not motivated), I need some help.

Don't worry. They are legal.

Drunk text

I was feeling good yesterday. I got up and moving early, got a fantastic (and very expensive) haircut (the grow out is complete!!!), did some errands and some cleaning. I even dug out my car from Thursday's storm (finally) and, after I recovered from some severe crankiness post dig out, I braved the mall and finished my shopping!! I even purchased a few key items for myself.

I looked great when JP and I headed out to the bar...and I felt great too. Tipsy and happy. At the bar, I gabbed it up with a few people and drank a bit too much. Again, it doesn't take much for me to get drunk...and bitchy when the hard stuff is involved. So then I stuffed my face with Wendy's (ew) and proceeded to ditch JP at the T station while I jumped on my train. Whoops.

THEN when I finally got home after practically freezing waiting for the bus (I managed not to slip on any ice on the walk home!), I changed in my pajamas and...oh...you know...send Mike a text message. It read as follows: "I miss you. I can't help it. I hope you are well. Thinking of you." Time stamp: 1AM. Of course he'll read it and know I sent it after drinking and may disregard it. When I try to remember what THE FUCK I could have been thinking, I'm pretty sure my drunk self knew that my sober self would feel like a jerk...but drunk self did it anyway.

Damn you drunk self!!

So I feel like a real asshole. Not just for the drunk text but for being bad friend.

In terms of the text...whatever. I can't take it back and I'm doubtful he'll write back so in a way it's just a bit more of a push to move on.

So maybe it's a good thing.

Did I mention my hair??

Stop it

Some of the guys are match are just creepy. CREEPY.

I'm tired, so I should really just go to bed. I'm also hungry.

I was feeling good today...about everything. I think I am still am in general but it's been a long week.

Monday seems like ages ago.

It's impossible to miss someone after only a week of knowing them, right?

Now I'm pissed

Sigh. You'll have to forgive me if I start repeating myself.

Since Mike dropped the bomb on me yesterday, I'm pretty sad about it. But I'm also pissed. What the hell? I'm not going to lie, either. I feel a little silly. I knew him for a week. Period. I mean, how attached could I possibly have been? As much as I tell myself that it is certainly for the best, it just doesn't make it any easier. I really liked this one. I liked him more than anyone I've met in the last year and a half.

And while I want a sweet, sensitive guy, I think Mike is a little too sensitive. If I heard him utter the words "broken heart" one more time, I was going to reach across the table and shake him.

He doesn't know what he wants. I know what I want. And I should celebrate this.

It wouldn't work.

I'm really happy with how I handled myself, especially for someone who is in the middle of an annoying Monday. I could have freaked out and thrown water and/or food in his face. I could have lost my appetite (oh no this girl ATE her salad). I could have cried hysterically before leaving (no, I did that after). I could have hit him. Punched him. Told him that he's a coward and a fake.

But I didn't. I remained calm, collected and showed only some vulnerability (I'm human). I held it together until my back was to him. I held it together long enough to tell him to let me know if he changes his mind. I even managed a kiss on the lips and an arm rub. I accepted his humble apology for being an ass. I (kind of) kept a straight face when he asked me if I would be OK.

I don't want to sit here and say I hope I hear from him again. Nor do I want to say that I think I'll hear from him again. I don't even know if it's a hope of mine. Maybe he'll think of me when he feels like he has his shit together. Maybe not. Maybe he will never get his shit together. His history with relationships isn't the only thing he's confused about. My dear friends tell me I'll hear from him when I've turned him into yet another distant blunder memory. Let's just say I haven't deleted him from my phone yet. But it's so easy...and I did delete the pictures.

And I'm not waiting around.

Is this really happening again?

So remember the guy I mentioned, that I was dating (now exclusively) and it was really good and I didn't want to jinx it?

HA HA HA! Well, I guess I did jinx it. He took me out to lunch today to tell me that he needs to be alone, he's not ready for the "intensity" that he feels when we are together.

Yep, middle of the f-ing work day.

Am I pissed off? Yes, actually I really am.

Did I have a sixth sense that this was coming?

Yes, yes I did. It was not a complete surprise.

I really REALLY liked this one. We connected, we had the same sense of humor, we liked the same kinds of things. He walked up to me in a bar and gave me his number for god sakes. Maybe (JUST MAYBE?!?!?) he should have thought it through first.

And just asked himself...if this amazing woman actually calls me, am I really READY FOR THIS?

Ugh, no you're not. But thanks for playing.

Fuck it.

ARGGGHHHHH

The holiday season does this to me. It's too stressful.

I even started to get into it today, I swear I did. I was listening to Christmas music and everything. It was quite the out of body experience.

So one of the things that I was supposed to buy for my niece for Christmas is SOLD OUT. How does this happen? Uhm...MAKE MORE OF THEM.

What else...

Oh, so I'm dating someone exclusively. I know, I know. I haven't filled you all in. I'm sorry but I've been a bit crazy about it. Like...thinking he's a great guy and I'm gonna mess it up at any second. Good thing is, he's thinking the same thing. We're both pretty stumped when it comes to "dating" and both admittedly bad at it. But we've also both learned from our prior relationships (dare I call them "mistakes"?) and we don't want any repeat episodes. But he has a really cool job and, after about a week of knowing him, he seems like a decent guy.

But there is STILL plenty of time for him to turn into a douche bag.

Because I'm annoyed at the world right now, it's not the best time to go into it further. I'm trying to think positive and la la la.

Ugh...bedtime I think.

To my Jewish readers...Happy Hanukkah!

So much can happen in 5 days

I've been really conflicted about writing regarding my recent dating life events.

The main reason: So far, it's a great thing, I don't want to jinx it.

I think I've told most of you who read this here blog-o-rama about the coolest thing that has ever happened to me (Ok, top 10) and for those of you who I haven't told...I'm sorry, but I can't keep track. I started re-telling the story to someone this morning who I had already told. Whoops.

In addition to me not wanting to jinx "it" by putting "it" in the blog, I also just haven't had so much time to sit down and write the poignant, funny and ridiculously witty entry that I know you have all come to expect.

Of course there is a part of me that thinks it will, at some point (sooner or later) all come crumbling down and then I'll rant and rave about it...here...

But until then, you'll just have to ask.

In other news, Match Doug got the "Dear John" email and reacted to it well. I sent an email that wasn't an obvious display of my distaste for him. After all, Karma can be a bitch.

And the clouds part...

SO...

No word from Match Doug. I'm very relieved. I hope he just floats away to the "land of dates that never should have happened" and that's the end of it.

EWWWWWW. It still gives me the heebeejeebees.

No word from Yummy. And that's just fine. I don't plan on calling him. After all, I'm a hot commodity!

At any rate, I used the phone number I was given on Tuesday night yesterday eve and called up Mike. His outgoing voice mail is some extremely odd jibberish set to a tune which, on first listen, was actually pretty awesome. I have a feeling that Mike has some sort of alterna-job. It seems as though he had many upon many tattoos (hot) and well...anyone who uses their cell phone for their job would most likey have their name or number or something on the outgoing message. More evidence? He called me back today...at 3:30 in the afternoon.

I really didn't think I would get a call back. First the lack of return text then the jibberish voice mail? I thought I was being Punk'd. Alas, I got a call back and an awkward (in an adorable way) voice mail.

Hmmmmm....

Hitting up the town tonight in Cambridge. Oh, it's gonna rule.

Exhaustion

As my dad would say, I've been "burning the candle at both ends" this week.

Every night I've either been working or out and about, even including Sunday night! It's good to be busy, but I really need to do laundry.

But let's get to the good stuff.

So last night was date #2 with Match Doug. The night started with me being really tired and not caring at all what I looked like, so I changed into jeans, a sweatshirt and sneakers and put my hair in a headband. To my credit, the heat was cranked to 80 when I got home to my apartment after work and I just couldn't stay in there for long enough to come up with another cute outfit that was also comfortable. I did manage to powder my nose and re-cover my cheek zit. THEN I got stuck in Pike traffic THEN Doug failed to tell me that his street did not have a street sign, so I drove past it and then couldn't find a place to turn around. Then I called him and he didn't know anything about his neighborhood where he's lived for six years. Then he tells me we have to go grocery shopping for pizza ingredients. Uhm...excuse me? You don't go grocery shopping on a second date. He insists he told me about these plans in an email and my retort is that I thought he was kidding. He didn't appreciate the sass at all and asked me why I was being so mean. AWKWARD. So then we have a few beers and he makes a pizza out of cheese, onions and green olives. GROSS. I politely asked that he order a pizza.

Side story about the beer: I ended up bringing over two six packs, one of beer that I actually wanted to drink and one of beer I knew he would like. After drinking one of my beers (yum), he insisted on feeding me some strange Belgian beer even though I was clear that I wanted to drink THE BEER THAT I HAD BROUGHT. I almost asked for my 5remaining beers when I was leaving.

Eh ehm...to continue.

I had about four beers while waiting for the pizza and was borderline sloshed by the time it arrived. I quickly ate some of it because I knew I had to sober up: the more beer I had the more I was doing the "Well, his accent isn't THAT annoying...he IS kinda cute...he DOES have nice cats...he DOES have his own place..." and I knew that was trouble. I was trying to convince myself that I liked him.

After two pieces of pizza, it was crystal clear that I did NOT in fact like him, at least not romantically. He started to snuggle up on me. While I like to be touched and enjoy a good snuggle, he assumed too much and it didn't feel right. Then he sort of picked me up and layed me down on the couch (after he insisted I sit on his lap). I went with it at first (in a "Let's see where this is going, I might be into it" kind of way) but then he started kissing me like a guppy, took my shoes off and shoved his hands up my shirt. Then had the NERVE to tell me my bra was "boring" but he still wanted to "tease" me. Since when do guys TEASE? That is the stupidest, gayest thing I have ever heard.

Do you want me to go on? DO YOU?

So after I tell him I don't want to continue with the heavy petting (all on his part, mind you. I barely touched him), he persists...which pissed me off. Then it was time to go...and I got out of there fast.

There are some metrosexual things I can tolerate and actually find endearing. A lime green VW bug (the newer version!) with specialty MA plates is NOT one of those things. That shit is just GAY.

Ugh!!!

p.s.

Date with BNS has been postponed yet again (him this time) to this coming Sunday. Await an update...

Hurry Hurry!

I'm a bit short on time but wanted to give you a few updates. I know you're all chomping at the bit.

1. The date with Match Doug on Sunday turned out to be surprisingly fun. I drank a bit too much and blabbered on AND ON about myself. He didn't seem to mind. He didn't offer to pay the check, and we split it, which I shouldn't be hung up on but I kind of am. We made out for a bit. And I'm not sure if I actually find him attractive or I was just lit. He deserves another viewing. Not so many beers this time. Needless to say, I've been invited over his place tonight for pizza, made from dough in his...bread machine. I'm bringing beer. If you all remember, Match Bill ALSO made me pizza from dough he made in his...bread machine. Hmm...

2. His Yumminess has been pretty silent this week. He texted me on Monday asking about plans for this week and, since I'm booked solid, I was vague. He must not have liked it, because I haven't heard a peep since. Whatev.

3. Last night, while out for yet another birthday celebration (hooray!) I was playing an impromptu game of trivia at a local pub when, much to my delight, an attractive man approached my table and HANDED ME HIS PHONE NUMBER. Uhmmm....what...just...happened. I was looking OK but not stellar by any means. And I was half in the bag. I tried to text him some nonsense and have not received a response. The theory is that maybe he doesn't "do" texting. That would certainly be silly. At any rate, I'll call him tomorrow. His name is...Mike.

4. Lots of action on Match right now with some promising candidates. I'm BACK, baby!

Hold on...it's dark in here

Last night I really wanted to hit up the town for my birthday celebration, even if a day late. Well, there were no takers...except Match Doug.

I ended up calling him back and we talked for about a half an hour. He really wanted to take me out last night. No, thank you. He sounds like an uber nerd...and I'm pretty sure that the way he talks really annoys me. Did I agree to meet up with him tonight? Why yes, yes I did. I'm sure it will provide me with some excellent material. I'll take notes, just for you.

I feel so totally defeated. I winked and emailed a whole gaggle of men on Match today. We'll see if anything comes of that. To quote my therapist, "It's a numbers game." She's right. But that doesn't dimiss the fact that I still feel lost in a see of over confident assholes.

I also agreed to meet up with BNS on Tuesday night. Why? Who the hell knows. Probably because I know we're going to a place with really good food.

The Yummy was very drunk last night and asked to come over. I said no. I just changed my sheets and I have a big zit on my cheek. Those seemed like more than valid excuses.

And let's not forget it's back to work tomorrow. I'm dreading it, but at the same time looking forward to the reinfusion of routine. My mental health needs it.

Oh I hate her

Roommate Super Douche is here with her boyfriend. They have the TV AND her stereo on (complete with Jamaican Christmas version of "Frosty the Snowman") on FULL BLAST. I might kill myself.

My birthday was yesterday. It was fine. Let's not dwell on it.

So I winked at this guy on Match yesterday while in the hotel using free internet. He emailed me and asked me for my number and he has already called me, wants to hang out tomorrow. Someone moves fast. He likes to run. Hope he's not disappointed to learn that it's my least favorite thing ever. From looking at his picture, it seems Match Doug is one of those guys who never closes his lips. You know the type, I know you do. Sort of lack-jawed. It's not that his mouth isn't closed, it's that his lips didn't follow suite. Call me crazy, but that will definitely annoy me.

The music has moved onto "It's beginning to look alot like Christmas," Jamaican style. Yeah, she's dead.

Blah this won't be funny or uplifting

It's getting closer and closer...birthday #27.

I'm not sure why it's especially suffocating this year. Maybe because I felt I would be somewhere different like living on my own...or with my significant other. And yet that sounds SO lame. Waaah wahhh poor me because I don't have a boyfriend. Really? When did I become that girl? Where did these self imposed limits COME from?

Well...onto updates...

His Yumminess is in communication with me again via text after a few days hiatus. I don't even know if I want to see him again, or even have that to deal with. I guess in an emergency, it's a good thing to have on the back burner. Is that terrible?

I never went out on a date with BNS. I made an excuse about being sick. I don't think I'll ever go out with him.

I sent Match Scott an email with my phone number. I'm sick of emailing with him for what's going on three weeks. Grow a set...or I guess I'll give you my set.

I also don't know why this week finds me feeling particularly sorry for myself. Is it the PMS? (wow that's an old and lame excuse) Something going on with the weather? Is the longer hair really not working for me?

Unstructured time has never been my friend. It leaves me listless and useless. I'm such a bad vacation taker.

I miss the days where I cherished my alone time. Now I think I'm starting to dread it. When did this happen? When did I become this lonely? And WHY. What the...maybe it's the upcoming year mark of my full on dating push. It makes me wonder if I'd be in a different place had I not gone down that road. Of course I wouldn't have had nearly as many funny stories for the blog.

I know...so many questions...where IS that magic 8-ball...

Meltdown and I don't care how ridiculous the reason sounds

I turn 27 one week from today.

Not a peep from Yummy since what can only be described as his texting meltdown. It's not so much HIM that upsets me (wait...not at all him), it's dating in general. This is what happens. I say I need a break and then somehow I end up going on a couple dates with some joker, things end and I feel shitty about it, and for no particular reason.

The "holidays" are fast approaching. The most miserable time of the year. I feel most alone over the next month and a half, every year, no matter what.

What I'd really love to do is curl up into a ball and hide for my entire vacation. But it's my birthday and it's Thanksgiving and I can't.

I'm off to the Big Apple this afternoon to visit a dear friend. The last time I visited the Big Apple, I was in the middle of a crippling depression. I made it through that...I can make it through this. Maybe something amazing will happen on the bus. Maybe I'll have an epiphany.

My Dad gave me a CD of Beatles songs. I love him for that.

Yummy...now Bitter

What...the....FUCK

So third date last night with Yummy. We had a great time...especially great for me...and then he had to go and completely freak out.

He left my place and then I get texts in rapid succession about how he just broke up with his girlfriend a few months ago, he's not ready for anything serious, not looking for a girlfriend, he just wants to have fun.

I remind him...WE HAVE ALREADY HAD THIS CONVERSATION.

I tell him that if he wants to talk to me, he just needs to TALK...texting about it is such bullshit. Grow a set and call me. I tell him I GET IT. It's crystal clear. We're just having fun.

What's the problem?

Why, when I am finally at a place where I can get together with someone just for the sake of having fun and be healthy about it, this is finally the guy who actually communicates with me and sets expectations.

So now I'm trying to determine if the yumminess is worth the aggrevation. I'll get back to you on that. Because there are a few things he doesn't do that I would like him to do...and I have to weigh the pros and cons.

Mass Confusion

So date number three with Yummy is tonight. How...did...this...happen...

I'm terribly confused. I thought this was just a booty call? Now it's planning dates...days in advance...? Now we're talking to each other during the day, texting about plans and he's talking to me about changing his schedule? Why do I care?

What is going on??

Growing weary of the yummy.

I think I'm already bored.

In an surprising turn of events, his Yumminess took me out to dinner on our second date last night. He's bizaar, just completetly strange in how he interacts with me. I can't even really describe it. I think he's being really guarded (maybe he had his heart broken?) but doesn't seem he has the emotional maturity to understand that about himself. But then he'll say something that makes me second guess that assumption, and I throw my hands up in the air and go back to looking at him as purely a sexual object. It's...weird. For right now, he's great for the ego. And while I doubt it will go anywhere past the physical, he is fun.

Match Scott continues to email me strange questions like "What's your sweetest fantasy?" What kind of question is THAT...what does that MEAN? All I can do is shake my head. Do I keep up this ridiculous email charade? Ugh.

BNS emailed me three times between Friday night and this afternoon. I don't know a nice way to tell him he needs to go easy or that there's only so many times you can tell a girl she's cute before it seems you don't really mean it. I also can't in my right mind let him pay tomorrow night. It's already on the friendship tip.

I read a phew pages of Mortgages for Dummies today. Progress.

I think my DVD player is broken. But my computer seems to be working just great so that's something.

And I REALLY don't want to go work tomorrow. But I have to. One more week until a whole week off. Phew.

updates updates updates

Thank goodness for all of the A's in my life...AC, AT, AO, AL (in no particular order)...thank you, ladies.

This post needs a list format. There is just THAT much.

1. His Yumminess texted me this morning...at 830 sharp...asking what I ended up doing last night. Random, strange and completely unexpected. We have a few interchanges via text that involve him telling me he met with his realtor last night and the close date on his condo was moved back and then me responding with how much that sucks. And that's...it. He had asked me to let him "know about hanging out next week" yesterday morning, and I told him we would just have to see. And now the chit chat? He's strange. Apparently being born in 1983 makes him misunderstood. My admin told me that.

2. Match Scott and I are still emailing...I called him out and was all "Are you ever going to ask me for my number?" and his response is "Yes...at some point in the near future." People are f-ing weird.

3. I have a date with a new acquaintance on Monday. We'll call him...Boy Named Sue. BNS is a guitarist, in his mid 30's (ish) that I met through a social networking website. We've been emailing, he asked if I wanted to get drinks, I said "Hell, why not?"

4. Tonight is my charity gala...you remember...cute (hopefully), male (hopefully) architects? I leave work in t-minus 54 minutes. Not soon enough.

5. My Douche Bag Roommate and her boyfriend picked out a $42,000 engagement ring from Tiffany's. Need I remind you she is unemployed and he lives on a boat and his ex (who has a restraining order against him) lives in his condo. How AM I single?

What a bunch of bullshit

So the Yummy 24 year old is now a thorn in my side. He's giving me the run around and no one gives ME the run around.

NEXT.

In other news, I'm attending a charity event tomorrow night with young, (hopefully) single, (hopefully) male architects.

When god (or whoever) closes a door, he opens a window...

But really....

I need to go running in the rain until I can't breathe and my legs give out.

It's either that or eating 6 of those 100-calorie packs with a half gallon of milk on the side.

Or I make the phone call first (oh sorry, you haven't been in my head all day so you don't already know that I've been obsessing about whether or not I'll hear from the Yummy 24 year old ever again), which some people are telling me to do (men) and other people are telling me not to do (women). Ugh I'm so confused! Why do I even LIKE this guy, and his yumminess cannot be the only reason? I know there's another reason. There has to be. But what? WHAT IS IT?

And why am I so insecure as to think he won't call. Am I that bitter as to have NO expectations?

Shit. Boys make me crazy. Maybe this is a sign that I'm not ready yet for The Big Show. Or that 24 year olds have only one life function, and that is to be yummy.

Everything happens for a reason, right?

Probably ONE person (you know who you are) will get this reference, but it describes...something at this moment

I need to watch some gay porn and get my hate back.

Progress

So things with Match Scott are pretty much on ice. We are emailing back and forth for...about 5 days now and he has yet to ask me for my number. What? Why? Sigh.

In other news, I met a HOT 24 year old this past Friday night. I didn't realize how hot he was until last night, but that's besides the point. We texted and talked all weekend. We had out technical "first" date last night and well...you know I have trouble with self control. He's Yummy. And plus, he'll be 25 in January. There are so many things wrong about this situation that it may have circled on back to right (thanks for that, MC). Only time will tell.

My lovely roommate (the one who isn't the douchebag) told me it was OK to have some fun with him, just as long as I truly didn't care if I ever heard from him again. I agreed...after all, I have Match Scott on ice. But the trouble started early with the 24 hotty and I was in way over my head before I even realized what was happening...and while I'm pretty sure I WILL hear from him again (but don't quote me on it) it's not a huge loss if I don't. I mean...I'll live.

All in all, last night was pretty awesome for a Monday. Let the good times roll.

I know, I said I would stop

Enter Match Scott. He winked at me. I like attention. He's taller than me. He has dark hair and green eyes.

What's a girl to do?

Go see...

Gone Baby Gone

Excellent movie, extremely well done. Ben Affleck directing, who knew? Makes me hate him a little less. That, and he was fantastic in Hollywoodland.

I'm still feeling emotional. But I can't really get a good cry going.

I need to own The Notebook and watch the last 45 minutes for moments like this. That would get the tears flowing.

I feel like I'm missing something.

When is my movie moment

You know that part in a movie, when the heroine overcomes all odds and pulls herself up by her bra straps and just fucking gets shit DONE?

I need that moment.

I ordered books today, books about having a mortgage and buying a house. I'm terrified. My heart is in my throat.

I had a mini breakdown last night with DC. He was good about it. I felt mildly pathetic. I was all "Waaaaah...I'm alone...waaaah...I need more money..."

Where was the Waaaahmbulance when I needed it?

And then I thought...where does this deep want come from to be in a relationship? What, really, is my big hurry? I've fallen in love before, it can happen again...right? And when it did, I wasn't a panicked, whining sad sack, that's sure as shit. Lord, I wouldn't even want to date me right now.

So, for now, I'm trying to snap myself out it. Because it seems as if I was in a good mood on Monday. Interesting...

P.S. The super cute guy from Saturday night did not call. And he won't call. And I hate him. But a lesson: I should have gotten HIS number.

News news news

So much to review! Where to start...

1. The Red Sox won the World Series. It didn't even seem hard. I wanted it to go seven games.

2. I replied to a "men seeking women" posting on craigslist last week (in my defense, it was printed out and handed to me), from some dude referring to himself as "T" (should have known!) and haven't gotten a response since I sent my picture. That makes a girl feel good. But...I asked for it.

3. I had the most fun I've had in a very long time on Saturday night. You know who you are, ladies...DAMN you're a good time!

4. On same aforementioned Saturday night, I witnessed a smack down, drag out girl fight. Eve (as in "Adam and...") vs. Bar Wench. In a crosswalk. Hairpulling was prominently featured. 1:30am. Just fantastic.

5. Also on Saturday night, I talked to a guy...wait for it...who was SO CUTE. And who ASKED ME FOR MY NUMBER. And I GAVE IT TO HIM. I looked like hot ass, too. (Remember how humid it was?) Miraculous! In typical single in the city fashion, I won't hold my breath for his call. It would be nice, but life goes on. No matter what, it was very a self affirming event.

Hooray!

I hate James Taylor

I don't even care if that makes me un-American.

I already had a headache.

Like "Hmmm...that's funny."

It's funny how love and support can come from a place and a person when you are least expecting it. And I also realize recently that I can be super critical of the way others are living their lives, yet taking a look at myself hasn't been as important.

So here it is...I need to stop being so cranky and snippy (because I really have been). Life is good! I need to lighten up and stop carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

So...Self...stop your bitchin'!

Baffled

Does this ever happen to you?

You recount the moments of your day while falling asleep in bed and all of sudden realized that, even though you are not in any way a perfect person, the most emotionally healthy, functional and non-annoying person you have encountered all day is...yourself?

Meanwhile...retail therapy is getting the best of me. All I want to do is shop. Who knew there were so many things that I absolutely need to have?

It's not so bad

I was in such a shitty mood this morning.

I don't feel good.

I had to deal with my douche bag of a roommate last night doing her boyfriend's laundry, not to mention piling so many dishes in the strainer (it would just be CRAZY to dry them and put them away, wouldn't it?) that I could not, for the life of me, locate a clean fork.

Then this morning I had just the cutest outfit planned and I was having a great hair day, only to come into work and be picked apart in a morning meeting. Thank goodness I didn't grow up with a parent who I could never, ever please. This job would be much harder if I had. Did I tell you that one of the owners of this place (the one that picked me apart) has the same exact birthday as my mother? Same day, same year. Yeah.

BUT I have to forge ahead. What choice do I have? It could be worse.

There have been other notable disappointments as of late, but also some people in my life who have shown me how absolutely wonderful and amazing they can be.

I thank my lucky stars that they put up with me. You know who you are.

And yes, I've absolutely, 100% given up on dating. eH Chris emailed me again this morning, and I told him that I'm taking a break and good luck and all that. I actually feel a kind of bad about it. But really...there would have been nothing there with him. Nothing at all. He doesn't like The Office.

Not like the crab

I've been quite the hermit this week. I've gone directly home every night and made dinner, done some chores around the apartment and then hid out in my room watching baseball and/or The Office. It's been a week of mood swings and private hissy fits, not to mention looks that could kill and many a sideways glance.

Every little thing is getting to me. Tones of voice, subtle movements, even topics of conversation. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to scream "Shut the fuck up!" at an innocent (or perhaps not so innocent) bystander.

I'm tired, I'm discouraged and I'm drained. It's not just singledom and it's ever encroaching permenance. True, that is a large part of my current unrest, but not all of it.

Choose another topic, any topic.

1. Work/Career
2. Housing status
3. Family drama
4. Hair
5. Pudge level

I don't mean to whine, really I don't.

I just feel stuck...like that time I was 10 and I drove a golf cart up onto a little hill and it got stuck on stop and I got in really big trouble.

Cancelled

I officially cancelled my Match Account today.
It will expire on January 27, 2008.

I officially cancelled my eHarmony Account today.
It will expire on November 24, 2007. The day after my 27th birthday.

A sense of relief has washed over me. Or is that despair? I can't tell anymore.

Now if I could JUST have some FUCKING PEACE AND QUIET after a LONG FUCKING DAY that would really be GREAT.

Eh ehm.

*Subsequent meltdown will begin in 3...2...1

I must be ovulating

Yes, it's true. And unbelievable, I know.

There is now even more reason to buy that Magic 8-Ball.

But for the most urgent question at hand (see previous entry), I don't need it. Last night, eH Chris once again emailed me asking if he could call me. When I did not respond to the email he of course did not call and instead...sent another email.

Wow...

WOW!

Both eH Chris and Match Frank are way off the reservation. Both are, for their own reasons, Date-iots. That's a Dating Idiot for those of you not in the know.

It's my blog. I can make up words.

I wouldn't usually just blow these Date-iots off with no explanation and leave them hanging, as I would never want to be left hanging.

But these guys? These guys don't even deserve an explanation. That's how completely frustrated and perplexed both of them have made me.

And I know...it's a collection of things that have put me in this state. But I'm going to project and blame it all on them.

It's OK as long as I know I'm doing it.

And if you're reading this and you're in a happy, loving, healthy relationship, please don't tell me about it. In fact, I'd like you to lie and tell me how lonely and miserable you are. I'm happy for you, I really am. But I just don't have the strength to pretend to your face. I hope you understand.

Meanwhile, I've eaten an entire box of macaroni and cheese and there are some cookies hidden somewhere that I need to find. The stress of the Red Sox game is the only reason I am emotionally eating.

The Magic 8-Ball says so.

Pimpin' ain't easy

So the end of last week was...upsetting, stressful and exciting...all at once.

The subsequent meltdown has not occurred yet but it can't be far behind. I'll be doing something completely normal like emptying the kitchen trash for the 2nd time in one day and I'll be pissed off about that, and then I'll just lose it because all the other emotions will bubble to the surface. I predict that to happen within the next...24 hours.

I had to make some difficult decisions at work, followed by the delivery of very difficult news. That's all I can say. It was...difficult.

The pathetic dating update:

Match Frank called me back on Thursday night from my return call that was placed on Tuesday in response to his call to me on Monday, the follow up first date call. I returned his call shortly after also on Thursday night. I shared news with him about my difficult work things and he sympathized...a little too much. He told me he would call me on Friday afternoon to "make sure I was OK." I told him that was nice, but really unnecessary. The items at hand were part of my job. Still, he called Friday afternoon and left me a voice mail. It starts off as quite nice: "Hey Stephanie, it's [Match Frank]. I know you've had a difficult day and I just wanted to say that if you needed a joke, give me a call."

It would have been great if it ended there. I would have said to myself "That was thoughtful and nice." But he continued: "I do have plans tonight [let it be known that Friday night was the first night of the ALCS and Match Frank is a big sports fan] but could make myself available and rearrange my schedule if you need to blow off some steam."

Hmmm...what does that mean exactly? I think you know the answer.

So if I was on the fence with him before, I've picked a side now. Ew. I wish I could put audio clips on here. Needless to say, I have not returned the call.

I also called eH Chris on Thursday night. I know, I wasn't going to. I think I felt like I should at least give him a chance to prove he isn't a big puss. And it was a good conversation! We chatted for about 45 minutes and only hung up because I had to go. It was promising. So then he emailed me the next day and we exchanged emails and he said he would call me on Sunday night. Well last night came and went and no phone call. Annoying. If you say you are going to call, then you call. Period. But he emailed me again his morning instead. When I called him out on the missed phone call, he apologized and gave me some lame excuse. But if I didn't call it out, I'm sure it would not have even come up. So he is a big puss. Shouldn't a Marine be more...aggressive? He's got the stoic thing down. More evidence that I just need to go with my gut.

Now comes the "Do I even bother meeting him?" decision.

To aid in these lofty questions, I hope to find and purchase a Magic 8 Ball. I think that will improve my life significantly.

I'm "that girl"

So I was planning on calling eH Chris tonight, I really was. He left me a very nice voice mail last night and genuinely sounds like he wants to hear from me.

But guess what. The Office: Season 3, Disc 2 was much more tempting. I had the phone in my hand, at 9:20 between Disc 1 and 2. But I just couldn't do it. I don't want to.

Additionally, I was hoping that Match Frank wouldn't call me back tonight, only because I would feel obligated to answer, and I really didn't want to talk to him.

Why? I have no good reason. None.

What's happening? I finally have some decent guys in the pipeline and I could really care less.

I think I'm shutting down. Maybe I need another break. Or a vacation. From everything.

Miracles can happen

Imagine my surprise when I received another email from eH Chris last night, post his email from last week giving me his phone number...after I had already given HIM my number in yet another previous email. Perhaps he realized he was retarded and a puss because his email was all "I was going to call but I didn't want to bother you while you were with your family." I wrote him back and told him the beauty of cell phones is that I can choose whether or not I want to be bothered. It totally has an "off" button. I don't get an electrical zap or anything everytime my phone rings. Now THAT would be bothersome.

Duh.

Needless to say, he got the picture because he called me about 20 minutes later. I was watching my new favorite show so I let it go to voice mail. Does that make me a little evil? Perhaps. Let him sweat a little, now that he's grown a pair.

Getting Lucky

So I had my date with Match Frank on Friday night. I know this will be sad for most of you to hear, but it was pretty uneventful.

I wasn't feeling that great all day Friday, so I left work a bit early to go home and take a nap. Eventually, I ended up sleeping most of the weekend. I'm blaming it on allergies.

Anyway...I was 20 minutes late to meet Match Frank at Lucky's here in Southie. It was a big game night and it took over an hour to get a cab to come and get me...and I wasn't walking two miles in heels. I called to explain, he was understanding. I get there and instantly see his bald head and have no doubts about approaching him from behind, just certain it's him. And I was right. So I think we kind of embraced. I can't remember. I was so out of it...I'm very surprised I had matching clothes on and even applied eyeliner. I woke up in a fog after my nap that continued until yesterday. So the conversation was good and he was very polite and funny. But I couldn't help but notice one thing.

When I looked at him, all I could think about was Jabba the Hut. It has something to do with extra neck skin combined with a wide smile. I am a terrible person. He's actually quite attractive in a stalky bald-headed man in his mid 30's kind of way, so I'm not sure why my mind is playing tricks on me.

Anywho...I did not think he would call because I was such a bump on a log. But low and behold...he called me yesterday! I returned the call today...hopefully we will connect again at some point. Was there a spark? Eh...hard to say. I felt like I was having an out of body experience for most of the date. The three beers only made it worse. I suppose only a second date will tell. History tells me that there will not be a third date, but history also tells me that I need to at least give him the chance. It's only fair.

Someone! Please explain

So I've been emailing with eH Chris a few times back and forth. He seems pretty normal, nice, even a bit funny. I wrote him an email last night and gave him my number. No, he didn't ask for it, but whatever. That's the next step...this I know.

So I get an email back from him this morning in which he gives me HIS number and tells me to "call anytime." WHAT? Excuse me? You're retarded. A girl gives you her number, you either call her or politely say you aren't interested. It's that easy.

Grow a set.

It's official. Guys on eH are total mama's boy pussies.

Trouble with a capital T

Hello friends!

WELL...Match Frank called me last night. Imagine that! We're meeting tomorrow night at a bar here in Southie. He picked a good place. I'm excited. We spoke for an hour and a half. He has a heavy Boston accent, which I find dangerously charming. Weird, I know.

So I'm hoping I don't find him too cute or too charming or too attractive. Because if so...it's been a while...and there might be trouble.

But then I will remind myself that I'm done with doing bad girl things on a first date.

Hoodwinked

Today, I am attempting to trick myself into thinking many, many things. Here are just a few.

1. That my hair is longer than it actually is. I pulled it into a "half ponytail" today with about 10 bobbypins. I'm sure I would set off a metal detector. I have no idea what the back up of my head looks like.

1a. That the back of my head MUST look better than the front.

2. That Match Frank will never call, nor will I ever hear from him again. Thinking that now will hopefully lead to less disappointment in the rest of men later.

3. That I have any authority over anything at work. Ha!

4. That I'm losing weight. This is a tricky one. My pants say one thing, my mind tries to tell itself another.

and finally...

5. That this weekend, with the extra day, will feel like a vacation.

Perhaps it's true that ignorance IS bliss.

Determination

So I've determined that I'm way too squishy per my preference. It's not that I want to lose weight necessarily (although according to my BMI, I am 20 pounds overweight for my height), it's just that I'd like to not be so doughboy-ish. And it's for myself, no one else so don't get all into "Oh she's losing weight for a guy" and all that crap. No, not it.

So I've started to keep track of what I eat and I found this website (www.sparkpeople.com) that is just great for tracking calories, carbs, protien and fat based on what you eat. It even has sample meal plans. If you're interested in seeing what it is you are eating EXACTLY, this site will tell you. It was a huge eye opener for me in terms of how many carbs I'm eating, which is way too many. So more protien it is. But they are also huge proponents of consistency and balance: The site is void of low and no carb dieting ideas.

It's also very rewarding although at times a bit corny. Also has exercise plans should you like or need that kind of guidance. I'm a huge fan. HUGE fan. Thanks to RS for introducing me. (wink if you're still reading)

In other news, I did end up emailing Match Frank my phone number yesterday morning. I haven't heard from him, but I'm not jumping to any conclusions. He probably has a pretty demanding job (remember those days?) and the Patriots DID play Monday Night Football last night. That's all a girl needs to know. And if he doesn't call? Whatever. I'm already over it.

Instant Gratification

Match Frank wrote me back. The suspense was killing you, I know.

He seems semi-interesting to me, but I'm wondering if that's because I'm not currently distracted by anything else.

He has written the following as a closing to his most recent email:

"I guess I should return the favor in the questions department, but I've only got sexual ones on the mind cause I'm a man...ok, did you play any sports growing up? What did you want to be when you were growing up? And, what kind of bathing suit do you wear (kinda sexual, sorta, maybe). Have a great Monday. (ugh)"

I don't want to write him back right away, as I don't want to seem too anxious. This is the fourth email we've exchanged, so I need to either bite the bullet and give him my number OR cut it short.

But my answers would be:
1. I dabbled in sports growing up, but never really settled on anything. I played basketball in 5th grade (because I was tall), attempted field hockey in 6th grade (because wearing a skirt and running looked fun), thought I loved softball in 7th (then got hammered with a line drive to the thigh while playing with my mother's work team), LOVED floor hockey in gym class in high school (still do) and am a pretty killer volleyball surver (shit yes). I can also throw a football pretty impressively...for a girl. I was a nerd growing up (and still)...straight A's, Academic Decathalon, Yearbook editor, National Honor Society, Tutor. No sports in high school.

2. I really can't recall what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I can tell you that the majority of my teachers, from elementary school to high school, told me to be a lawyer. I still get it. There's still time.

3. Bathing suit? Uhm...I don't have an exciting answer at all. I sport a tankini, black and white polka dots is my favorite one. Or maybe that would excite him, who knows.

He seems like kind of a meathead, but there's something intellectual about him that I can't ignore. He's also pretty cute...for being in his mid 30's. He also has Sprint. Ew. So there seems to be lots of good AND bad.

Hmmm...I'll think about sending him the digits and see where it goes. I'll let you know. (Duh)

It's happening again

So I was really starting to dig Match Frank. You know, after three emails a girl can get hooked. We were writing back and forth pretty furiously Friday and Saturday, and he hasn't replied in over 24 hours to my last email. So perhaps I lost his interest. He lives in New Hampshire and has "working out" listed as his first hobby. He also looks incredibly hairy (one picture contains a shot of his arm hair, which I first mistook as the sleeve of a sweater) and he has 5'10" listed as his height, which probably means I'm level with him in flats. Sigh. Probably wouldn't have worked out anyway.

Today was a good day. I watched two exciting soccer games (who knew 9 year old girls could already be so good at soccer!) and got to sing along with 50 cent and my 7 year old niece in the car, sun out, windows rolled down. Later I came home and cleaned pretty much the entire apartment, which feels good. Now I'm tired and I need to take a shower, as I also put clean sheets on my bed.

I can't tell if my neuroses are getting better or worse. I suppose it doesn't much matter. I'm also PMSing today and feeling pretty...icky. I have all this anxiety about work tomorrow, which is completely unnecessary. I think I'm going to create a meaningful project for myself to keep things interesting. I need more...substance. At least at this very moment.

And of course, I'm still freaking out about money. Per usual.

I didn't feel a thing!

It's Saturday.

I woke up at 6am this morning to take Lola in for her 30K maintenance.

I bought my car at this dealership and they are the only people who have touched my car in the almost two years I've owned it. I've had more problems with it than I would have liked, but most of the unexpected stuff was covered under warranty and they've taken care of it, no questions asked.

They've never charged me more for any service than I've paid anywhere else on other cars I've owned.

Until today.

I got hosed in the hugest way...and I feel betrayed and disappointed. It's my own fault, really. I trusted too soon and didn't look closely enough at the "permission to service" print out that I signed off on before they started to go to town. I didn't know that they were going to deprive me of the downpayment on a house.

Yeah, I'm exagerrating. But it still sucks. Nothing can be done about it now.

Just another time when I should have listened to the tiny voice in my head.

Moving on...

Tomorrow I will drive a total of about 4 hours to see my neice play in two soccer games. I'm going to give myself a pat on the back for that one.

At least I know the car is ready to go.

Besides that, I'm talking to this guy on Match I'll call Frank. He's in his 30's, lives in New Hampshire, and seems cool so far. Only time will tell. I haven't given him my number yet. I'm such a tease.

Dating advice from dear old Dad

accentuate the positive, eliminate the nerds

Single

Of course I changed my Match profile up again. Added some pictures, took some down. Winked at...someone I think.

Then I started to go through the guys on there, like in the old days.

All I can say is:

1. Wow

and

2. Ew

You're nobody 'til somebody loves you

Phew.

It is now officially The Fall. And no, I haven't met a guy that I could imagine being with for the rest of my life. So the psychic was wrong. It wouldn't be the first time a psychic was off the mark.

Right.

I won't lie that yesterday was pretty depressing. I was at a wedding, so it shouldn't have been, but it was for me. I feel awful that I may have sucked some of the joy out of someone else's happy day.

Sigh.

I feel like I've done a pretty good job with everything in my life so far. I feel like I deserve to find happiness and love with someone who isn't emotionally cripple. I don't think it's asking for too much. There seem to be plenty of people who get there who have it and who don't necessarily deserve it.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Save it, Oh Miserable One. Stop being so melodramatic. You're not dying. How many times have I heard it? I'm young, I'll have my day and blah blah blah. Well fuck that. I'm sick of waiting. While I've made my own happiness, I'm really tired I've doing this on my own.

But I have no choice. For whatever reason, it's not my time. I need to just accept it and stop bitching about it. I'm sure you're all growing tired of my very anti-climactic search for love. I sure as hell have.

Today marks two months until my 27th birthday. Let the new countdown that launches me from my mid 20's into my late 20's officially begin.

I feel sick.

e-CRUSH

There is a reason they call it a crush.

Moving on...

Impatience

Dear eHarmony Matches,

You must be terribly busy, so busy in fact that you are too busy to check your online dating account, let alone to actually date.

It is quite puzzling to me why, after paying such a substational amount of money to date online, you just don't take any time at all to at least tell those interested in learning more about you that you do not share the sentiment. It is two clicks of the mouse. It is just common courtesy.

I'm trying to be patient and nice, but you're really pissing me off and trying my usually mild online dating manner.

In closing, fuck off. I'm sure you had small dicks anyway.

With regard,
Stephanie

E-crush

I'm all sorts of unwound.

First of all...my dearest Jennifer is in love! I'm floored...and so happy for her, despite my cynical "Beware of Dog" warnings. Since Jen has never been in love before, it's a magical time for her. I'm trying to reach back in the recesses to remember...

In other news, I've just read a profile on Eharmony and instantly developed an e-crush. So now I will wait...wait...wait for a reply. And try not to obsess. After all...I have much much better things to do.

Like look up e-crush on urbandictionary.com

Sick

We had free dessert brought to the office today for our great business and blah blah blah. I think you all know what a sweet tooth I have (thanks a lot, DAD). And just looking at me you can deduce that I love to EAT.

Here's a short list of what was on the menu:

*Strawberry Shortcake
*Four Layer Chocolate Trifle
*Chocolate covered strawberries
*Blueberry Lemon Creme Brulee Tart
*Mini cakes including but not limited to: Carrot (with cream cheese frosting of course), Lemon Tart, Cheesecake
*Mini cannolis (I didn't get one!)
and...of course...your standard fruit platter. I ate all of the pineapple.

I am SICK and busting out of my pants.

Lord!

I'm falling apart

Do you ever get warts? Well, I'm pretty sure I do. I remember warts from my childhood. My cousin and I shared bunk beds at one point and my aunt would come in before bed and burn her warts off her hands. And she would cry. At least this is how I remember. I'm sure it's not accurate at all.

Anywho...I've gotten a few on my fingers in the past year and I've quickly gotten rid of them, only after having to buy actual wart remover. I think I'm turning into a witch. The warts (which I now have found on MY FEET), combined with the new, enormous pimples that I now get frequently on my cheeks, combined with the fact that my pants are a bit snug, makes me quite the hot mess.

The timing of all this...with the equinox upon me...it just isn't good.

But I'm thinking my hair looks pretty damn good and sucking my gut in all day is really good for my abs. Bring on the six pack!

The new plan

So I'm planning on going out towards the end of this week with some lady friends in order to search for my man. I was wondering what would be the most effective way to do so.

This is what I came up with:

I'll just go up to guys and if they seem cool after some small talk just be like "Want to be my boyfriend? I'm a GREAT girlfriend. I'm low maintenance and really like action movies and baseball and have a 14 year old's sense of humor AND I give great head."

I'm liking it...

Good News and not so good news

I went to a wedding, got SO hammered (last time was around June) and DID NOT sleep with anyone!

Instead, I made out with two different people.

Now...I know what you are thinking.

"Stephanie?!!?! You ignorant slut! I thought you turned over a new leaf!?!??"

And my reply:

"I know. It doesn't sound great. And I'm embarrassed with my behavior, since I'm not 19 anymore and I shouldn't be making out with people in bathrooms like I'm a horny co-ed at a frat party (those were the days, weren't they??). BUT it's progress. I'm a passionate, sexual woman with needs, and trust me, it could have been much MUCH worse."

Hooray! I am determined to celebrate the victories, no matter how inconsequential.

The not so good news: The following day (Saturday) I reached a new low point and I threw up in a Wal-Mart bathroom. On a very busy Saturday morning.

Ew.

Other not so good news: I still have yet to meet my man. 13 days and counting until the official end of the summer. Time is running out. Don't be surprised if I run away to a nunnery or leper colony. They might be the only two groups of people accepting of me after the mockery I made out of myself at a stranger's wedding...in New Hampshire...and yes, I fell on my ass a few times. I have the bruises and grass stains to prove it.

But get this! I kept my 3 inch heals on the whole time. I actually blame them exclusively for my fall. I'm sure my high level of intoxication has nothing at all to do with it. Nah.

LinkedIn is freaking me out

Like Whoa!

So I get invitations from time to time from people that I used to work with to "Join their network." (If you aren't familiar with LinkedIn, you must go and join. It is a fantastic networking tool and you can reconnect with old colleagues and find new jobs for you and other people, very cool stuff). So I received one such invitation today and, after I accepted it (from an old friend at a former company), there is a list of people that comes up "Other people you might know that you want to connect to" and guess who comes up?

Ready...

MATCH PETER. Oh yeah. I'm actually connected to him through a THIRD level of connection.

AND...

eH JOHN...TOTALLY RANDOM.

I shit you NOT! How does it know my SHAME???

Well that's just fucking depressing

Ugh.

I was going to start by telling you how wonderful and relaxing my weekend was and how I felt rejuvenated and how I'm so thrilled that my laptop isn't doing that "Oh I'll just shut the screen off in the middle of you doing something important and make you really mad" thing. And how I'm perfectly fine with the fact that I haven't had a date in a while and I'm feeling good, even if the summer is coming to a close...in a fast and huge way, that is OK, there is still plenty of time. And work is going along well and my hair is looking decent and non-mullet-y...and such.

And then I look at my eHarmony and Match accounts and feel so hopeless that I just want to eat a box of cookies and watch "The Notebook" over and over and OVER again. All of a sudden, I feel as though my window of opportunity to meet my man is going to pass by me and I'll be alone forever, and that the rest of the weekends of the summer I am either away at weddings or not hanging around the city. God, why did I move here? I am NEVER here! I'm just so frustrated. And miserable.

Sorry.

I wish....

That one of the choices for "Closing the Match" on eHarmony was "Because you sound like an arrogant asshole."

If only.

I'm just saying...

Who needs a boyfriend OR a power drill when there is such a wonderful thing as double sided 3M tape?

Not this girl!

Mini blinds INSTALLED and secure. Easy as pie.

:)

Love in an Elevator

Yeah no. I wish. I just really like the song.

Nothing too new to update. eH Jason is still rather chatty with me online...and I'm trying to train him to understand that talking to me everyday isn't really standard...because I'm NOT his girlfriend. I think he's getting it. It's kind of horrible, but the attention is nice. What an evil woman I am.

What else? The concert was AWESOME. Jen and I came ridiculously close to meeting Adam and then totally chickened out. It was fun and absolutely hilarious because she all but pushed me into a Port-o-Potty. A complete comedy of errors. Still a wonderful time, as always with Ms. Jennifer.

I went to a wedding on Saturday. It was a semi-nightmare. For a few reasons. First of all, it wasn't my wedding. Second of all, it was the wedding of someone who should NOT be getting married before I do. Third of all, it was the following times about ten: That awkward conversation you have with people that you went to high school with when you bump into them and kind of have to talk to them even though you never talked to each other in high school...and the small talk is torturous and you hate your life for those 3 minutes that seem like 15? Over a period of 5 hours. With no hard alchohol. And on a farm. And I was bloated. And my Dad was pimping me out.

Someone actually asked me the following question: "So why were you invited?"

My response? "There always has to be a guest that looks better than the bride."
Smile and wink. This was followed immediately by a nervous laugh from the person I was talking to and me saying "Please, I'm kidding."

Sarcasm was officially dead. And really...that's all I got.

As if it couldn't get any worse

I'm sitting here at the desk, minding my own business, when I look down to discover (with horror) that my high wasted white capri pants have turned my lower stomach into a protruding blob of goo.

Awesome.

A would be rant

So I started to write this really angry post about how much I hate eHarmony and all the guys on it and how dating totally sucks and how I hate this week...so much.

But really. Tomorrow will be better. I will see Adam, in all his bloated glory and I will sing along to every song at the top of my lungs until I lose my voice and I will drink cheap beer and maybe even throw up on the stranger next to me. It will be euphoric.

And plus...my life isn't that hard. This week has just been kind of shitty and I'm sick of dealing with all of it.

Then on Saturday...I have to attend a wedding. My parents will be there and I'm sure I'll hang out with them most of time, because they will be more fun than anyone from high school that I was never really friends with then, so why hang out with them now. And I will try so hard not to be depressed about the fact that there will be people there from high school who are married...and how I am not even close to being married...

Fucking eHarmony. If I didn't pay all that money for it, I'd call it in.

The beat goes on

eH Jason handled the rejection really well. The poor thing...he asked "why" which is just an indication that he's gotten the same line before. He is very nice, but just sort of a lumbering jughead.

Insert heavy, heavy sigh here.

What's a girl to do? I ran away to the Cape on Saturday morning and returned yesterday morning. I haven't gotten up at 4:30am since the last time I needed to catch a flight. Bru-tal. My day went surprisingly well however...despite some trauma in the workplace which I of course cannot disclose in this forum. Let's just say I'm having some trouble trying to keep everyone happy and keep the natives at bay. It is a difficult task. To add to it, my trusty office administrator has been gone for a day and a half now so I'm balancing the front desk duties with the rest of the work load. It wouldn't be especially taxing if I could retain any amount of information, which apparently I cannot.

I don't feel as if my life is an busier than before, yet it seems there is too much to do and not enough room in my head to remember to do it all. Drop off dry cleaning, pick up dry cleaning, go grocery shopping, clean apartment, read magazines, finish reading the book you've been reading for almost a year, watch netflix movies, return phone calls (this has become an unpredictably daunting task), change sheets, call about new doctor, deposit expense check...I won't continue to bore you. I'm just not sure why I can't get my act together and get it all done. What has happened to me?

The good news: Lunch happens soon and it's a beautiful day.

Oh oh oh! And let's not forget the Counting Crows concert on Friday!!!!

The theme from Jaws is the theme of my dating life

I have date number three with eH Jason tonight. I promised myself I would give him another fair shot, and go into it with a positive attitude. I deserve that, and so does he.

Unforunately, he hasn't let me take a breath all week. He talks to me CONSTANTLY all day online. I tell him I'm busy in hopes he'll get the hint. He stays away for a while, but then pipes back in. It's too much. It's overkill. He's all "entertain me" and "you are the coolest girl I have ever met" and "I really like your perfume...what kind is it?" He's being more a girl than I am. Let's not forget his "All you need to do is bat those eye lashes at me and I'll be your slave" line. And did I mention the over use of emoticons??

I'm sure he'll be a great guy for a lovely lady, but he isn't for me.

Let me explain why. I haven't done anything to deserve his seemingly undying devotion and attention. I've been on two dates with him. That's it. He confessed to me today that he had even less of a spine in his past relationship. MAN she must have been a bossy bitch. I feel bad for him...but I don't want an errand boy/slave. I want a man, a man with passion. There's no fire in this guy. He thinks his job is boring and he wants to move out in the middle of nowhere...he doesn't like to drive...he likes techno music...he talks through movies...he has a cat...he doesn't seem to care too much about his appearance. Sure, some of that is petty and trivial. But add it all up, folks! There's just nothing there. And trust me...I would like there to be. Like I said...he's nice, he's dependable, I have no doubt he'd make a great Dad.

Kissing him is like kissing my brother...if I had one.

the break down

No no, not a breakdown...THE break down. Different.

I realized today that one of the reasons I may be pre-sabotaging a third date with eH Jason (not his real name) is that I STILL don't believe I deserve a happy and healthy relationship. Sure, the self doubt is ever present but I'm betting my $$ that this is NOT the reason. Jason is making himself too available and it just isn't challenging. But then again...I'd be complaining about how men are so impossible to understand if he was giving me any kind of run around. Maybe as a woman...I really WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED. Holy shit...the prospect of that is just horrifying. HAVE I BECOME THAT GIRL??

I know I've gone over this before...over and over, again and again. But here it is: I can't date. I have no idea how to "take things slow" and "get to know someone." I jump right in...it feels so natural and good and...exciting. But obviously it hasn't worked out for me...not one bit.

Another thing that's got me thinking how much of a complete crazy bitch I am...I'm still pretty caught on what that psychic said to me. I don't know...do I cut and run with this guy now, because I think I just KNOW, already, that he isn't Mr. Right? Or do I date him...let it run it's course...and keep my eyes out for whatever else may come along?

The summer is running short. I'm not sure if I can risk wasting the time.

Or maybe I need to do this first, before I get to meet him.

Fuck all. I'm stumped. And I'm all over the place. I need a cookie.



FINE. ANOTHER cookie.

F*&CKERS!!!

Match renewed my account...before I could cancel it.

They have a "no refund" policy and an "automatic renewal" policy.

An excellent example of why I should actually read the "Terms and Conditions" before I check that god damn box.

Someday will prince my come

It just wasn't today.

Yep...the same thing is happening again.

It's one extreme or another.

Let me break it down for you.

1. I meet a guy, I am instantly physically attracted to him and he is completely wrong for me...we go on a couple dates, he's another notch in my bed post....nothing more. End scene.

2. I meet a guy, he's nice, he's into me, he seems normal and I am...not interested. But then I give it another chance with the idea that perhaps he'll grow on me and I shouldn't make snap judgments. But when I do give it another chance, it just ends with me delaying the painfully (for him) inevitable.

Earlier this year...we had lots of ones, with a few twos sprinkled in. For the past couple of months...it's all twos.

I guess...I'd rather have the twos.

Or at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Oh my word

All of a sudden, I have tons to tell you.

1. I have discovered the most potent version of reality TV crack and it is Scott Baio is 45...and Single. Just...watch it.

2. Match.com is a fuck. They automatically renewed my subscription a day ago and I cannot cancel it, according to their "policy." Who reads that?!?!?

3. I have a date this weekend...with a boy...

What was I thinking

I bought garlic bread pretzel bits. They are amazingly delicious.

The downside: I have the worst taste in my mouth that I cannot seem to get rid of. I don't like using mouth wash, but I might have to dig out the emergency supply. Either that or everyone at my morning meeting will smell my second day garlic breath.

Although, now that I think of it, that may cut the torture of the monday morning meeting down to mere minutes. Maybe I'll skip the mouthwash...

Has anyone ever seen Requium for a Dream? That shit is messed UP.

Some things I forgot to tell you because I am over tired and have ADD

1. Today, I became a Notary Public. If you need something notarized, that will be $20, please. Or you can buy me a couple drinks, a mani pedi, whatever.

2. I'm talking to this guy on eHarmony. I just found out he's from MAINE. Ugggggghhhh.

Chaffage: Threat Level Orange

I am definitely wearing pants tomorrow.

And so it goes

So I met this GREAT guy yesterday who I would totally date. Score, right?

Shit no. Married with a baby on the way. That's super, wonderful, good for you, congratulations, oh you must be so happy and I'm sure your wife is super cute and teaches kindergarten. Wrong...she teaches second grade. He was amazed that I had correctly guessed his wife's profession. I'm good at reading people, you happy sap. It's a blessing and a curse.

I know. I sound terribly bitter. Everyone is married or having babies or engaged with big, shiny rings. I'm happy for them, really I am. I just maybe kinda sorta wish it could be my turn to just...you know...have someone to cuddle with that I also happen to be able to tolerate when we aren't having sex. Is that so much to ask?

But really, I exaggerate (what else is new). I'm feeling pretty good about the way things are going right now. I feel on the brink of something great.

At the moment, I am just really happy that things like AC and baby powder exist.

Shit goes missing

First it was a package at work last week (oh, the drama) THEN it was my Entertainment weekly for this week. Today at work, yet another package went missing, this time the sugar from our coffee company. We promptly ordered more sugar, only for the missing sugar to arrive 30 minutes after the emergency sugar order was delivered. Now we have a shit load of sugar.

Now...more of my mail at home has gone missing. Did the old man downstairs steal my Netflix delivery of Hotel Rwanda? Is he pouring over the new Harry Potter movie review in my EW? I know it's not the people on the second floor because they don't even pick up their own mail.

What the hell is going on? And could someone direct me to the vortex where all this stuff goes?

And I so rarely take the Lord's name in vein

Netflix is down. I really wanted to watch Zoolander on my computer. Now, I cannot.

Another sign from the heavens.

I just read a bit of my cousin's blog (online journal, whatever) and discovered that we could probably write each other's entries. I have an eerie sense of calm. Granted, she is a much better writer than I so I would probably want her writing my stuff but perhaps not so much the other way around.

But to my point: She was talking about putting a down payment on a townhouse. Oh wow...it just sounds so great. My own house!

And yeah...I would love to live in the city with a place to park my car, but I'm not affording it anytime within the next five years, and I want to buy something before then. Having a place of my own that doesn't smell like rotting old man and doesn't have a bathroom ceiling pealing what must be lead paint, even if in the burbs somewhere, is a fair trade.

And plus...I miss Waltham sometimes. Ok...I miss my driveway (with designated parking space) all the time.

Has it been so long?

July 12? That was the last time you heard from me, eh? Where DOES the time go.

I've been uninspired as of late. It isn't because we are fighting. I just haven't had anything all that moving to write to you about. And if I don't have anything entertaining to say, I shouldn't say anything at all, right?

Right.

My Match membership is coming to an end soon. No six month guarantee for me (that's when you get six months free if you don't find your "match" within six months)...I didn't follow the rules. We have Bill to thank for you. Well...that's not entirely fair. I did put too many eggs in one basket on that one. I have only myself to blame.

So eHarmony is plugging along. I'm seeing the usual amount of shut-in computer programmers and emailing with them until it's unbearable and then letting them down easy. Sigh. In fact, I was just writing an answer to the infamous "What have you learned from past relationships?" question when my computer screen went black. Everything seems to be up and running after a forced shut down and restart, so I'm taking that as a sign from the heavens that it just isn't the right time for me to be answering Joshua from Burlington's questions. So be it.

I think I'll watch Zoolander now.

Cheers.

Photo Shoot

Apparently there is a modeling agency around the corner from our office. Apparently they like to use the alley outside of my office window to take pitures and shoot videos of skinny women doing cart wheels and back flips. It's mildly entertaining. My favorite character is the kid who holds the reflective circle. He's the shit.

I'm exhausted. I need a nap.

I'm off to NH this weekend for some much needed R & R.

There has been an unwelcome cat in my apartment all week and I think one of the guys in the office has a crush on me. It's not mutual. I have a zit on the inside of my nose. My period has completely taken over my lower half. I loathe my hair.

Calgon take me away.

"And where is our next huge, embarrassing failure?"

Oh boy.

First of all, I'm losing my mind. I saw a copy of an email today that I had written back in March that I have absolutely no recollection of writing. I feel like such an asshole, as said email was proof that I had definitely inserted my foot into my mouth earlier today. The details aren't really the point. The point is that I have that feeling again...the feeling that I'm losing my grip.

As my step mother pointed out, no one is in the hospital because of it, so I need to chill out and move on. She makes a good point. But I still feel like such a moron because there are definitely a few little kids who will be very disappointed. What was I THINKING?

And it's still unsettling. I pride myself on being detail oriented and organized and all that. That is what I am really good at, so when stuff like this happens, it freaks me out and upsets me. A lot.

Second of all, eHarmony continues to send me complete duds. Are these guys serious? The profiles they write are pathetic. How am I supposed to wrap my hands around "I'm passionate about passion." Ugh. Just...stop.

Third of all, the weather is changing too fast and too frequently and it's making me dizzy. I've lived through 26 New England summers and it just never gets predictable. That could also be why I love it and would never trade it for anything.

I'm going to go to bed and will hopefully wake up tomorrow feeling better.

Fingers crossed (I'm doing that a lot lately).

Like watching the TV on the fuzz

I got quite a bit done yesterday. Maybe that justifies having done very little actual work this morning.

No one is around and it's painfully quiet and slow. I do so much better when I have a million things going on. Is there work to be done? Why yes, yes of course. Is it urgent or time sensitive? No, no not really.

This weekend is shaping up to be beautiful, even if ridiculously hot on Sunday.

eHarmony sent me another couple of duds and there is no action on Match. The guys that I am communicating with on eHarmony seem spineless and boring. But I am trying really hard not to judge too quickly.

I swear.

no one wants to work today

That's right, NO ONE.

The guy at eHarmony who sends me my matches is just having the best time playing with my emotions. He sent me a match today of a dude who is FIVE FOOT FIVE.

Hilarious.

chicka bwaaa waaaah

Yep, that's right.

Watch out! I'm feeling sexy...shit yes!

I'm going out tonight and I'm doing it UP.

And because I know you are asking yourself...Yes, I am bringing a stick.

My cock is Jammin'

Have I used that as a subject before? Hmmmm...if so, it deserves a second go around anyway.

I've determined that someone at eHarmony is playing a cruel, cruel joke on me. They are sending me engineers, architects and sales managers that look AND sound unattractive. I'm way past the whole "Even if he isn't that attractive, give him a chance! Maybe he will become cuter to you if he has the right personality." Uhm, no. I've tried it and it doesn't work. Not at all.

Maybe it's because a psychic told me I wouldn't meet Mr. Right online and I'm self actualizing, or maybe it's been 6 months online now and all I've gotten out of it is some completely random hook ups and a skinny red head crying on my chest... I gave it a fair shot, right? The ole college try?

I'm kicking myself for committing to eHarmony for 6 months. I mean...it's good to keep myself out there or whatever but I just have this feeling it won't amount to anything.

Sigh.

Or maybe I need to be more positive.

Meanwhile, I am accepting every single invitation I receive to go out in public and be social. Laundry and adult responsiblities be damned! Mr. Right could be anywhere at anytime!

DO IT.

Sing us a song

I gave my phone number to a piano player on Saturday night.

I'll let you know if he actually calls. Even if he doesn't, I'm glad I did it. If I keep putting myself out there, something is bound to stick.

Hott Follow Up

Remember I was talking about lunch with DC? Well, he had this to say about aforementioned gooey couple:

One thing you missed on Sunday, when the guy came over for some
lovey-dovey with his chicky, he scored himself a boob squeeze (the left
sister). Have to love the public displays.

HAHHAHAHHAHAH.

ew.

Decision!

For quite some time now, I have been uncertain about whether or not I want to become a mother. I've been thinking about it seriously since the beginning of year and have been wavering back and forth.

I didn't realize until today that I had already made the decision. One of my co-workers thought that a picture I have up on my desk with my neice was that of me and my daughter. At first, that sounded so outrageous to me...that I could have a daughter!

And then he said this: "I just assumed, because you are so accomodating and pleasant, you seem like you would make a great mother."

I think that is THE nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me.

So that is THAT.

Hottt

Yep.

This is the FIRST summer I have an air conditioner, so I'm feeling pretty happy right now. The best part...that shit was FREE.

I don't feel great tonight. I don't know if it's the heat or because I'm just really tired. It's just past 8 and I want to go to bed as soon as it's dark enough.

Work has been keeping me pretty busy. I never write, I never call. I'm a terrible blogger. Shame.

But I have GREAT news. I bought Counting Crows tickets today. Me and the prettiest girl in the whole wide world are going to see them in August! I'm so lucky! I finally get to see my favorite band in concert. I'm so excited. Yippeee!

A short story for your enjoyment:

I was out to lunch in Brookline this past Saturday with an old friend (big shout out to DC...I can't fing the address to your blog! Send, please) at a fairly crowded restaurant. The tables were small, two by two, one side a long booth bench, the other side chairs. I was on the booth side, DC on the chair side. A couple sat down next to us, the guy on the same side as DC. Well, in the middle of their meal OUT OF NOWHERE, the dude gets up from his seat and plops himself down next to the girl and directly on my purse...pratically in my lap. I could only stare with (jealous) disdain. It pushes my "I hate when a couple goes to a diner and sits on the same side of the booth" button.

I won't have it.

It's official

City life is getting the best of me.

There are typically two options for parking at work on the days that I am lazy, want to sleep in and chose to drive to work (every day so far except for one):
1. The garage, $10/day
2. Resident permit street parking...free

Today, I had the option of two different spots that fall under the number two category. There are not often any permit parking spots available. Unfortunately, since I am so new to living in the city and all the joys that come along with it, I grew extremely frustrated and embarrassed after repeated attempts to parallel park in both of the said spaces, each plenty large enough to contain Lola.

With each attempt, cars piled up behind me on busy A Street and, for quite a few moments, I was "that girl."

I hang my head very low in shame as I admit to you that I parked in the garage.

Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.

Some people can be real assholes

Gawd what is UP with that?

Maybe I'm too self aware for my own good. And maybe it's my way or the high way (hmmm...kind of), but I do know one thing for sure: I'm a fucking good person.

I've been questioning this lately and I shouldn't be. For some reason I seek approval from sources I'll never get it from. Sounds like a pretty miserable (and losing) battle, right? Ah...yeah.

(I know a certain few of you just love it when I answer my own questions. I must oblige.)

So I officially banish all the assholes that cause me to doubt myself.

And self doubt be gone!

Making it or breaking it

Alright. I need to start believing in myself more. That's the deal.

It's been suggested I start with some self actualization. (Could this be a way to fill in the next 20 minutes when the dryer will be done? Perhaps...)

It was also suggested that I write down what I want in a relationship. Not in a guy. In a relationship. Or maybe I could do both.

This is harder than I thought. But you know how I love lists.

What I want in a romantic relationship (in the order I thought of them):
*Love
*Respect
*Open communication
*Patience
*Understanding
*Belching contests
*Laughing fits
*Amazing, mind blowing sex that never gets boring (perhaps this one is a stretch)
*Comfort
*No matter where we are together, it feels like we are home
*To see each and every part of each other's personality and accept each for what they are, even if that means the occasional disagreement (and resulting make up sex, fingers crossed).
*Passion: physical, emotional, intellectual
*Lots of non-annoying and non-clingy snuggling (totally possible!)
*Mutual interests and some different ones, just enough to keep it interesting
*Mutual interest in each other (like uhm...we need to want to get it on with each other every once in a while)
*The understanding that from time to time, we both need some alone time

I'll stop there...maybe I'll update it later.

New mantra:
I deserve to be in a loving relationship!

Let the manifestations begin!

Where the f*ck have you been

I know, right?

Gawd I'm sorry. How many times will I write a message like this, only to let you down time and time again? Many, upon many more, I'm sure. It just never gets old!

Alright. When my mind is working overtime, you know what I like, right??

LISTs!!!

1. New Pad. I've settled in quite nicely. Within the last two weeks, I've built myself a closet, scrubbed a large kitchen floor entirely on my hands and knees (the feeling of accomplishment was only a level or two below college graduation), (started to) reorganize a pantry, detailed the kitchen stove and, last but not least, unpacked my shit! There is still much to be done. I have yet to hang anything on my walls. To come, to come.

2. New J-O-B. Yeah, it's still new. It's new until it doesn't feel new anymore. It's heating up, for sure. I'm in charge of the office and the livelihood of everyone in it. I love the responsibility but it does not come without some serious frustrations. For instance, I worked on an extremely complex spreadsheet today for about three hours (I don't know Excel for shit), only to have my computer just spontaneously restart and then lose all my work...because our network is a piece of crap. Now, I have to go into work on SUNDAY because I was not about to stay late on a Friday night, even if my plans were to go to the mall, CVS, the grocery store and finally, my bed. Not cool, my friends! However, I don't mind too much because mama is getting PAID.

3. Dating still blows. I've been on two dates with this guy from eHarmony (we'll call him...John) and, while he's sweet and charming and pretty decent looking, there is absolutely nothing there! So sad. No other current prospects, hence a blog entry at 11 on a Friday night...while paying bills...and waiting for laundry to dry.

Wow. No one ever told me that 26 would be this exciting!

I promise I'll get back into the swing of writing to you. Just cut this poor, exhausted girl a bit of slack. Her lingering sinus infection thanks you!

Yes yes I am alive

I'm sorry I haven't written. I really, really am. Ok...so I've only had one person mention to me about how I hadn't written. Maybe I've lost your interest. In all honesty, I don't blame you. I haven't been all too entertaining as of late, even to myself.

I moved last Friday with the help of my dear old dad. It was fun hanging out with him for the day. He did some minor fixes for me around the new place and then was off. I've finally gotten settled into my room for the most part. I really like the new room. It's bright and the set up is great (if I do say so myself), more room than I thought. The one outlet has turned out to be a non-issue...but we all knew that. Or I can at least pretend I knew that.

Work is getting busier as I am getting more responsiblity. Last week pretty much sucked, but only because I had to fit five days into three. This week is going well so far. I like the added responsibility and I'm learning quite a bit, which is why I made the switch.

I could really use another day off to clean the kitchen in the new place. It's the biggest room in the apartment and no one has paid any attention to it in a long time. In short, it's really gross. Project!

The online dating is a bit dull right now. I haven't had so much time to sort through everything, but once I am more settled, you know I will put the details up for the world to see.

I've also come down with a sinus infection and I'm really tired and still a bit overwhelmed. But hang in there...I will be entertaining again soon!

It works, it's waaaay true

So I've been told by many wise people that, when one is happy and content and giving off a warm, welcoming vibe, one will attract others, be they men, women or children, with that same vibe.

I have to say, all those wise people were (are!) very correct.

Certain people in my life are falling by the way side and moving quickly into their place are some truly fantastic individuals that I already feel incredibly lucky to know. They know who they are...And those wonderful people who were already there, cheering me along this whole time? I owe you...big time.

Online dating update: eHarmony is chugging right along. For those of you who know how it works, I am in "open communication" with two guys so far (and in only four days!) and have questions out to several other suckers. eHarmony is like a hermedically sealed version of Match. Body condoms for everyone!

Speaking of Match...Some really cool, artsy looking dude wrote me back on Match despite the rather daunting rant that I wrote to him yesterday. He has a pretty old school name and is a graphic designer. Nice.

As for any other previously mentioned Match-tastrophes...fuck you!

The move is going well. I had a minor set back yesterday because I started to freak out about the following things, in no particular order: Both my new roommates have boyfriends, the bathroom is really small and there doesn't seem to be anywhere for me to put my things, there is absolutely no storage in the kitchen and I have no idea how I am going to watch TV without anything to put the TV ON. But then I took a deep breath, felt sorry for myself for a while, watched X-Men, and kept packing.

It will be great, it will be great...

!!!

No you didn't!

Oh yes, oh yes I did.

I am now officially on eHarmony.

Hookup.com

Somewhere along the line, Match.com has become the virtual bar filled with horny people, just looking for that hot hook up. When did this happen? I'm not sure. I think some time shortly after I joined. It's a bummer, but at least I know it now. It helps to justify and explain quite a bit. I'll see out the rest of my paid membership but then I'm done. I've been told I should try e-harmony...we'll see. I might take a break for a while from the virtual dating world. Overall, it doesn't seem to suit me.

SO. I'm watching the American Idol finally and most of it is pretty boring...and this is pretty typical. Clive Davis has one foot in the grave...still. Carrie Underwood's hair keeps getting bigger. Kelly is still amazing. Jennifer Hudson thinks her shit doesn't stink (and well, it doesn't). Ryan is amazingly sarcastic. Tony B., Smokey, Gladys, those weird people that Melinda sang with...

Some surprises: They seemed to have let Justin Guarini (and his hair) in the building. They have let Sanjaya sing again...and it's the worst performanc he had all season. Really? The finale could have done without this little extra tidbit. Ew. He's so awful. Green Day singing John Lennon? Nice.

I voted for Blake three times last night. I am almost positive that Jordin will win the title. They will both be wonderfully rich. Good for them.