Umbrella update

I know it's been keeping you up a night...wondering if I ever found my long-lost umbrella?? WELL...I never did.

HOWEVER, I went out and bought a newer, cuter, improved version. It took me 20 minutes to pick it out.

Celebrate!!

So I think I predicted that I would really never write in this after I got my new job. I'm so smart!

There isn't a whole lot new to report. The ex is diligent about getting in touch with me and I am doing my best not to entertain it. The most recent attempt is a text message about how he "was so wrong." Sure, my curiosity wonders what on earth he is admitting he was wrong about, as there are a quite a few things to choose from. But it doesn't matter. It's way past being done.

The situation with the ex's ex at work has gotten much better. I'm not so much uncomfortable around her anymore and we are cordial. I still think she's really annoying and a big brat, but she can be really entertaining and, if I'm having a day that I can actually seperate her from being the ex's ex, I just find her to be so ridiculous that it actually makes me feel better about myself. And who doesn't want that??

And work is insane...so busy and crazy and all consuming. But I still love it AND...I have my particular part of the account in the best place it has been since its beginning. And after a mere two months. Go me!! :)

The guy who sits in the cube on the other side of me called me a "go-getter" today. Yikes.

I wanted to write not because I necessarily have the time, but because there are things my people need to know.

First of all, work is fucking great. Really. It's super demanding and stressful and draining. I love it.

In other news (because I didn't want to lead with this):

Recently, I spoke with the Ex's Ex. For those of you who don't know the story behind this, I'm real sorry, but I'm not going into it right now. It's a long one and I don't have the stamina.

Turns out the guy that I genuinely thought I would marry and have children with is deeply disturbed and has long-standing emotional and financial issues. I had always thought he was quite a loser on paper, but still a good guy at heart with plenty of potential. Well, he may have good intentions (I'll never know) but if the stories she told me were true, he did me a huge favor by dumping me.

Shit...do I say "Thank you"?

What the?

It's going to rain for the next forever and I can't find my umbrella. I've had this umbrella for about 10 years now. I used to hate it. It's this really gawdy red plaid thing that my grandmother gave me for Christmas one year. My cousin has one in the same plaid, but this equally gawdy royal blue. I wonder if she loves hers as much as I love mine. I just always wanted a black one. But I've learned to love it over the years, embrace it, in fact, for it's utter ugliness. It's become one of my favorite things.

And it has disappeared and I am so very lost.

I never lose shit. Ever.

Better than him

I can't imagine how things would be different if I had never met Nick. I'm not sure I would have had the confidence to go for the job I have now. I'm not even sure if would have crossed my mind. He encouraged me quite a bit through it. If anything, he was the driving force behind it. Once of us had to be successful and I decided it was going to be me.

But then I think...That's the wrong reason to go after something like that. I should never do it for anyone else except myself. There would have been different hesitations and different hang ups, but I think I still would have realized it was the right opportunity for me.

I love Nick. I really do. And it kills me to write that and think that and want that...and not be able to have it. It hurts so much that I can't even begin to write about it. But I have to because if I don't, I'm fucked. Because I can't talk to him, I can't tell him all this stuff. And who knows if he even reads this. I'm sure he lost the link, he's terrible at keeping track of things.

And I can't talk to him because there is nothing left for me to say. The questions I have, I know he doesn't have answers to. I need to get to a place where I am content with never having answers. But that's hard. That is what makes my heart sink and my throat get tight. That is what I think about before I fall asleep and it is the first thing on my mind when I open my eyes.

I miss him terribly. I miss the way he enunciated and I miss his son yelling in the background. I miss him calling me "kid" and "baby" and I miss being the most important person in someone else's world. And I miss having that person in my world.

The harsh reality is that he's in a bit of a mess...and he obviously has some stability issues. The harsh reality involves plane ticket purchases, made with money that he doesn't have, and probably will never have. I think he believed in the promises that he made me, but that was part of the problem. He wasn't lying to me, he was lying to himself.

So where does that leave me? Well, it leaves me with a broken heart...but a really bright future. I know what is important to me now, and I may not have known that before. I know how to love the deepest, and most passionate way. And I'm really fucking proud of that.

I miss you more than you know. But I get it...and I will eventually learn to forgive you.

Shit

What a fucking crappy hand I keep getting dealt. I guess this can only mean one thing: Some REALLY GOOD STUFF must be coming down the pike any day now. Right?

At any rate, Nick is now the official "X" and I'm basically a big fucking mess this weekend. My grandmother's memorial service was this past Saturday, and that wasn't exactly fun either.

He dumped me because we are just too "different" which is completely lame and I just don't get it. I'll never get it. I called him today for closure and all he really had to say was "Sorry." I asked him again if there was someone else, and he said "no." I asked me again if this was really what he wanted and he said "'Want' isn't the right word."

I wasn't expecting much.

Some good things about all of this:
1. I no longer have to deal with an ex-wife.
2. I no longer have to carry around two phones all of the time.
3. I no longer have to pay for expensive plane tickets or go more months than not without seeing my boyfriend.
4. I can finally decide whether or not I want to REALLY move out of my apartment and into a better one.
and 5. I can be single with the rest of my friends for the summer.

So...there's that stuff. I wish this was easier and didn't completely suck so much. But...as Fiona would say:
"It ended bad, but I love where we started."
And..."What wasted unconditional love...on somebody who doesn't believe in the stuff...oh well!"

Thanks for everything.

I know it's been a long time...

But news requires an entry.

After a harrowing weekend of stressing about whether or not my boyfriend was alive (he is) because I couldn't get a hold of him, I am once again blindsided by the harsh reality of relationships.

He can't do it anymore.

And so...I'm lost.

Hot Damn!

Party people!!

For some completely random and barely explicable reason, momma got a 10% raise!!!!!! Actually, it's a bit more than that. And who really cares if it has nothing to do with merit? I sure as hell don't.

Yay!! Celebration!!

Ha!

Perhaps I'm not so much of a jerk! Fooled you!

With the end of my time here very much upon me, I'm doing less and less work as each day passes. It is alternatively awesome and riddled with guilt.

Let me take this especially low motivation moment to speak of the most horrifying, yet also most hilarious/enjoyable, dog incident.

Two weekends ago, as I've noted in past entries, I went to see dear Aimee in PA/NJ. Whilst there, I joined Aimee at her friend's house for a bit of dog-sitting and pad-watching. Said friend was on "The Shore" with her fat, disgusting, mindless boyfriend (I'm paraphrasing) and entrusted dear, sweet Aimee to watch her dear, sweet puppy, Maggie.

Although Aimee warned me that Maggie would not only be a Pit Bull, but also that she would be less than friendly, I continued to insist that all animals love me and I'm sure she'll warm up to us in no time.

When we walked into said friend's condo through the garage, there was Maggie, within her kennel, in all of her growling, spitting, barking, terrifying glory. While Aimee urged me not to make eye contact, I scurried up the stairs to the second floor, thoroughly shaken by my close encounter with one of those beaten, fighting dogs on Animal Police. It was just like that.

While the shenanigans proceeded, I felt utterly hopeless that I would never, ever get to cuddle such a gorgeous dog. She was horrifying, but at the same time was just completely scared of us and kept avoiding any sort of interaction. Anytime we tried to go near her, she growled. Anytime Aimee tried to take her outside, she wouldn't pee and then would come in and drop a deuce on the carpet instead.

The following evening, I was determined to be snuggling doggy style by Sunday morning. I sat next to Maggie on the window sill where she took up lodging (in order to get as far away from us as possible) while Aimee cooked us a lovely meal of beans and meat. While Maggs continued to look weary, she did let me touch her.

Then, the most incredible thing happened! While Aimee and I were lying on the floor in the living room watching a movie, the Maggenator started playing with us and rolling around and showing true love! It was magical.

Magical...

Things would be so much easier if everyone just did things like I do them

When Elaine says "I'm ready to clean today" one would assume she means the office as a whole. One would also assume the same when she follows up with "This place is a mess."

Alas, dear friends, it means she is going to go through the mountains of papers she has on her own desk. This is a ritual that occurs once every couple of months and takes her an entire afternoon. I have no idea how she acrues the shit that she does because I don't seem to have the same need to purge my desk every so often. Maybe that's because I'm actually organized and not a scatterbrained freak. Who knows.

The promise to finish my stories of the Tri-State area was nevery fulfilled, I know. I'm such a jerk.

As of May 22nd, not only will I be beginning a new chapter at Private Sector Technology Company, but the boy will also begin a new job that I (eh em) procured for him.

I'm running low on awesome juice.

The Ultimate Frustration

If I could stick a gasoline soaked sock in Elaine's mouth right now and light it, I would.

Yes, it's that bad today.

The Turnpike, mean doggies and the left lane debacle

All this and more in...where else? JERSEY!

As most of you know, I was born, raised, left for a bit, came back, left for a bit to go to JERSEY, came back then left for a longer while to NH and now I'm right back where I started...the beautiful state of Massachusetts. The only good state left, really.

Sure, there are bad things: Taxes, politics, white trash, snow, not where boyfriend or two best friends in the world live...But most of the stuff is good. And by good I mean just less shitty than everywhere else.

Take Jersey for example. I may be a Masshole, but at least I get the hell out of the way when someone is coming up my ass in the left lane of a four lane highway going 90 MPH. Those Jersians and New (Eastern, state of) Yorkers? Those fuckers have NO FEAR. They don't care if you bump them a couple times while you're behind them. No matter what their speed, they feel entitled to that left lane spot. They were there FIRST. They will NOT move, under any circumstances. Massholes? For the most part, they get the hell out of the way.

Also in Jersey, I found the first dog (not the last) that didn't actually like me.

Suspense killing you???

Stay tuned...

Jersey My Home

I'm the Garden State visiting I'd have to say my bestest and longest time friend. She's a bit obsessed with cleaning her apartment right now (we have so much in common!) so I thought I'd take a minute for an update.

Unfortunately, this lap top keyboard kind of pisses me off, so this will be brief, but check it out...

Aimee lives very near Philly (wear the boy lived for quite some time) and, not only that, but she used to live in the same town as the boy...and we passed his old apartment today, which I was hope was where he still lived, because then maybe I could see him because it's been...three months since we've seen each other. :( I try not to focus on the negative but it's tough. I'm not gonna lie.

BUT there are only three weeks left until I get to finally move over to my new, substantially better job.

Yay!!

And plus, no one can be sad around Aimee.

Find that Spam

There is SPAM in the blog...somewhere...I can smell it.

I can't FIND it to DELETE it. They do this shit on purpose.

One beer queer

I don't like to use the word queer but it ryhmes with beer so...it isn't meant to be offensive so just don't get offended. Ok?

I went "out" last night with a work friend. Now, when I went "out" in college, it usually involved at least two rounds of Kamikazee shots, one shotgunned beer and at least 10 minutes of table dancing. There were (for sure) some red cups in the mix...maybe a few ping pong balls. There was always a shirtless, vomitting wonder (not usually me) and no doubt an overflowing toilet. There was the frat house, the floor of which was covered entirely in sand for their semi-annual "beach" party, pole dancing, same-sex make out sessions and...well, I could go on for quite some time.

Ah yes, the good old days.

Don't get me wrong...I had a very nice time last night. It was just...not like college.

Now, "out" typically means over-priced beers (2), some deep, meaningful conversation (5+) and a server almost always dressed in all black (1). Everyone has their shirt on, and no one (usually) vomits. I'm safe in bed by 10pm.

I don't know when the transition occured but I think it has something to do with having to get up at 6am and not being able to sleep through work like I did through class.

My most exciting weekend plans used to involve keg stands (3), hook-ups (I'll be conservative and say 3), kegs and eggs (2) and perhaps some quality time at the library (-4).

Now well...I'm getting up at 7am tomorrow morning to get mud flaps put on the car (chilling), getting my haircut at 11am (much needed), then running errands, after which I'll drive to a friend's house where we will make dinner and watch movies and I'll probably be asleep by 11pm, at the latest.

I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss college.

Taxachusetts

I don't understand. Why do I have to pay tax on a car that I already bought, paid for AND paid the sales tax on? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

It hasn't made me angry before because I've never bought a new car. But it makes me angry now...especially because an extra $315 is not something that I have kicking around. I mean...I HAVE it, but I really don't want to reliquenish it. Especially to this state, and especially because I ALREADY PAID THE FUCKING TAX.

In other not so good news, I don't start my new position for just over a month. The politics in this company kill me......until then, I've been told to "Give 100%!!"

And I ask "Why wouldn't I??" Didn't I just get offered a position BECAUSE I give OVER 100%? Will I know just cross my arms and not perform my current job for the next month? Tempting, yes! Smart move? NO.

Seriously...Am I missing something? Am I actually "special" and no one has told me?

(I sincerely apologize for all of the caps...and I do understand that the last question is an easy target. But be kind...I beg you.)

I'm trying so hard not to imagine myself with red,beady eyes

With the warmer weather comes the desire to wear a bit less clothing. Unfortunately, the reflection off of my skin has already caused a few car accidents and one man to go blind. His name is Larry. He's nice.

Something must be done.

I struggle with this every year. I don't like tanning and the thought of self tanner just seems so disastrous, despite the new advancements. Or may it's that I really don't care...and I'm lazy. I'd much rather through on SPF 8 and bake myself by the pool. That just sounds so much more relaxing and wholesome. Doesn't it?

What I do know is that in past years when I've gone down to FL in the spring, I have definitely offended some senior citizens with the color of my skin. But at least I could establish a base before anyone up here could see my legs.

My skin is green under these lights, I swear. And no one likes to see that. Or my super blue leg veins. Damn my Polish blood!!

(shakes fist in the air)

FUCK YES!!

well well well.
Yee of little faith.

I got the job.

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel microscopic

Blahhh!

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Still no decision, on any front. BUT, there are some developments.

Interview number four is tomorrow. My would-be-Boss has decided that he just really wants to make sure he's making the right decision...apparently. He's coming here to watch me do my job...the same job I would be doing there...but kind of different. It will be for about two hours, which is fine. I'm preparing, making sure I'm organized and look like I know what's up.

Honestly, I've lost my will. I'm about ready to spit in his face and tell him to take this fucking job and shove it.

Alas, I think that would be a setback. So I'll refrain.

But in the land of extremely good news (thankfully!), Sexy Mama has retained permanent employment and we are just so proud of her. But we knew it would happen. I mean...duh!

In the land of random news, due to burning the candle at both ends, I will smell like ham most of the day on Thursday. Go ahead and guess why...

Just like the end of Old Yeller

Bring in the WAAAAAAAAAHmulance, my people. I'm in a shitty mood.

Private Sector Technology Company, in conjuction with Successful Recruiting Firm #1, has decided that they will make me wait another week to tell me whether or not I have the job.

I'm not happy. If I'm not what you think you need, just fucking tell me and I'll move on and figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do next.

What little respect I had left (and it's a VERY little bit) for this whole shitcan is dissipating...and quickly.

Added to that, Elaine has just relayed to me that she is VERY proud of herself for actually remembering to attach files to appropriate pages in our database. Wow...that's impressive. Especially since my seven year old neice has been doing that for about a year and a half now.

Private Sector Technology Company, You Crazy!

No news, for some reason, does not feel like good news.

I continue to await the decision...

Standby.

I hope I lose weight from all this sweating

It hasn't been the best day. I came in this morning ready to go and started off well. My very arduous and singular task for this week was almost complete: I was on the home stretch!

Then the unthinkable happened:

I spilled hot chocolate ALL OVER MY DESK. Not only did it get in my keyboard, on my mouse pad and soak my wrist rest, but it got all over ME and my favorite blazer...which happens to be white stripped. I'll beg the dry cleaner to erase the damage. I'll pay extra. This is the best $12.97 blazer I've ever had in my entire existence. Or only. Whichever.

The majority of the liquid ended up on the pile of papers that I have been working from all week (see reference to "arduous task" above) and therefore I had to reprint all that crap out and re-highlight in my special secret code and...

Needless to say, this made me real cranky. Toxic cranky. Not a place anyone likes to visit.

So, that happened.

I'm better now, but it was quite the rough patch. Thank god for Dunkin' Donuts and sunlight.

In other news, I should hear about the new (but not really) job on Monday or Tuesday. I'm already preparing myself for NOT getting it and I'm also preparing myself for the idea that I may be stuck here for a while longer. These are not happy thoughts. BUT, things happen for a reason.

Right?

What I need is what I've not got

Damn, people!

I'm a big ball of stress and nerves and bitchiness. Count yourself as one of the lucky ones if you don't have to see me, talk to me or in general "deal" with me for the rest of this week. If, however, you are one that does talk to me or see me on a regular basis well...don't say I didn't warn you and please don't give me crap about it.

I can't help it. I constantly feel like I'm going to throw up.

Why, you ask?

Well, let me just friggin' TELL YOU.

1. I had a second interview for a great position within the company that I currently work for. This would be a transfer and I would technically be doing the same thing that I do now, just in a different capacity and in a different environment. More work? Hell yes...try four times more. No more blog entries like, ever. Better, less annoying and much less crappy job? Hell yes. More money? Who the hell knows. Your guess is as good as mine. Even though I already work here, I still have to go through an extensive interview process. What I have left is what I thought would be a phone interview with who would be my bosses boss, but is now an IN PERSON interview. This means I go back for a THIRD time. Yes folks, I already work here and I have a THIRD interview.

Do I have the job or not? My background and what I can bring to the job is what they are looking for. The commute is shorter. The situation is better. Will I be working 60 hours a week for the first 4 months? Most likely, yes. Will I care? Well...let's cross that bridge when I come to it, eh? It may be a non-issue. I may have to rot here.

2. I need THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. Elaine is driving me NUTS. She was actually talking to me today about emails that had been sent last week as if she had received them today, as if it wasn't news to everyone else except her. Shut up you ninny!

3. Nick is waiting to here back on an offer for a job he interviewed for yesterday. I can't stand all this anticipation!!!!

Thank god The Idol is on tonight and I can get completely absorbed in that.

And thank god for The Little One, Sexy Mama and The Phat Physical Trainer (I know I know...I couldn't think of anything better).

In Loving Memory

My grandmother passed away yesterday very suddenly. My family is working through the unexpectedness and ironing out the details today. I've decided to stay home and write a little something about her.

My grandmother was totally cool. She was sassy, loud-mouthed and almost never without an opinion. I will miss her so much for making me laugh with her outrageous comments, and for making any family function where she was present that much more hilarious. She will be missed and I am so sad that I'll never get to laugh with her again.

The last time I saw her was in the fall on Cape Cod. She came over to my parent's house for dinner and to meet my new boyfriend. She brought her own Scotch with her (of course!) and told us all about her most recent trip to the movie theater to see Capote, which she thought was an amazing film. She very much liked my new boyfriend and said this to me before she left for the night: "Make sure you tell me right after you get engaged to this one because I need to go out and buy a new dress. He's a very nice young man."

It makes me smile and cry at the same time now.

Grandma Ruth, may you make everyone, wherever you are, laugh all day, everyday. I love you very much.

Nap Integration

I ate more food than any human should in one sitting at lunch this afternoon. It was an amazing experience.

But now I need a nap.

And why shouldn't we all be allowed to nap during the day? They let kindergartners do it...why not grown adults? I can bring in a pilates mat and a blanket and curl up on the floor with the best of them. Hell, I'll even change into my pajamas for the occasion. We need to recharge just as much (if not more) than those little brats do. It just isn't fair.

I read somewhere at some point that everyone would be in a better mood if we all took naps. I don't remember when or where but it just had to be true.

I can't wait to take off my pants.

That little shit...

Greetings from the great world of commerce!

While there are some entertaining/soul crushing things going on here in the ole office, there are other, much more important issues to discuss. Namely...Kevin Covais. At first I liked little Kevin. I liked his effortless charm and his super old parents. I liked that he's not popular in high school and I like that he may have stopped growing. I also enjoyed the first two or three times he referred to himself as a "sex symbol." It was endearing.

What I don't like are the fourth through twenty times that he referred to himself as a sex symbol, his dead on impersonation of Fievel from An American Tail or his cocky, hardass attitude toward someone who may know just a *little* more about his singing ability than he does.

I will also ALWAYS side with Simon. Always. The man is a fucking genuis.

And now:
The Workplace Entertainment aka The Romper Room.

Elaine looks as if she has just gone through about 48 hours of herione detox and, conversely, has just come head on with a fast moving locomotive. Her desk is a complete mess and I think I can actually see her brain bouncing around in her head. The woman could make holding her head in her hands a national sport. Poor thing! I feel bad but...then again, I really don't.

Shit...I need to do some work.

Duff Man

I saw Ryan Seacrest interviewing Hilary Duff on E! this morning while burning off some stomach fat at the gym. No, I did not go to work today. Or yesterday. But I suppose I will return tomorrow. I came down with a "stomach flu" over the weekend which very much robbed me of my energy and my will to live, let alone return to work. "Elaine" has called me twice now "just to talk and check up on me" and tell me how "dead" it is in the office. Why? Why can't she just leave me the fuck alone? I've been vomitting and shitting out my insides all weekend, haven't I? Can't I get a fuckin' break?

I digress.

Ms. Duff looks as if she has starved herself beyond recognition and, in addition, looks as if she is preparing for a sex change operation. She is so skinny that her chest and cheeks are concave. The entire time Seacrest was showing her around his new E! digs, she had her arms across her chest as if she didn't want anyone to see that she has transformed into a very masculine looking skeleton. She also looked like she hadn't eaten in days, a sort of shuffling of the feet feeling that reminds me of Paris Hilton. As in..."Look, the only thing I've eaten today is a tub of no fat cottage cheese and a Grande skim latte from Starbucks and I'm just fucking tired and there is no way I am picking my feet completely off the ground when I walk."

This gave me an idea. I would be more than willing to help Ms. Duff with her obvious and awkward problem by donating some of the weight that I gained during the holidays that I have yet to lose. In my mind, this offers the perfect solution: Hilary gets to look like a real live girl again and I get to look skinny! It's PERFECT! I don't know why I didn't think of this before.

In other news:
Some sucker who works in a different part of my company has applied for the now open management position in my location. He's coming to "observe" on Thursday, which really means to coming to see for himself what a suckfest it is. Instead of looking at this and being pissed off and shaking my fist in the air, I have decided to approach the whole thing with gusto. My therapist told me something to keep telling myself: Keep doing the stuff you are doing and let the other two dig their own graves. Well, I may have paraphrased but the gist is still there. While it is terribly draining and difficult to attend work these days, I still have to go, face the music and be a big girl about the whole thing. I can't have a stomach flu forever...but long term disability is tempting.

There is another internal opening that I'm not really qualified for, but desparate times call for desparate measures. I just have to wait for the right time to bring it up...to my soon-to-be-determined manager.

#3

My co-worker, Elaine*, asked me what was bothering me today.

My outloud response: "I'm just tired."

My inloud response: "I fucking hate you, that's what's bothering me. You should have been the one fired, you should have been the one punished. And I hate how you suck up to people and I hate how fake you are. I hate how you think you have it all figured out. I hate how you make me give you high fives when there is nothing really that has happened to warrant a high five. I just fucking hate my job and everything involved in it right now. And I hate that I can't quit because I'm too fucking safe and because I care too much about what I've started. And as far as I'm concerned, it's all your fault because you were the one who told them to hire me. THANKS."

I don't really hate Elaine, I promise. Elaine just gets under my skin because she places blame where it should not be placed and because she is very inconsistent with her behavior. Inconsistency, in case you haven't noticed, is one of the things that makes my blood boil. I've had to deal with too much of it in my personal life. We work here, we get paid to be here so do your fucking job. I should be able to depend on her. Alas, I cannot. And that's why I'm so pissed off.

I like my new boss, but I wish she would unconditionally see things my way and make changes accordingly. I wish she would take me away from this place.

Elaine, before leaving the office, wished me a nice weekend and then added "I hope that things get better for you."

I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from telling her that things would be WAY better if a) she actually started doing her job and stopped being such a fake fuck or 2) she would quit and go away forever.

You wouldn't know it was Friday. Or that I really wasn't a bitch in the above situation.




*Real names have been changed to protect me.

Oh And...

Because I'm such a fucking genius, I can now post my heart away at work. I've found a work around. And I'm streaming live music which I should not technically be able to do.

So...

I have that going for me.

One of the few things.

You know that feeling you get when you think of have a stray hair or something on your face or in your mouth and it drives you crazy so you either dig around in your mouth to find it or grab empty air around your face to try and get rid of it because this phantom hair is driving you NUTTY?

Well, I have one of those on my face, right under my eye and I can't seem to get rid of it. It must have something to do with my subconsious. My hair isn't even long enough to being hanging in my face.

I want to go outside.

A new level of Bloat

That's with a capital "B."

My body has officially told me to fuck off. I've taken to going back to the gym this past week and have gained (yes, GAINED) weight. I'm thinking it's my body telling me that I've put it under too much stress, that all the crap I'm internalizing has resulted in a very pregnant looking belly.

I need some assistance. Or maybe a needle to pop myself...who knows.

Is that gross?

In other news...

I did not succeed in making US Airways my bitch. Actually, I think at this point they have made me their bitch. Short of hiring a lawyer and spending money I don't have and will most likely never see again, I've given it my all. And shouldn't that count for something?

Yep, it sure does!

$122.64

Just...

....Fuck.

I was looking for Pleasure Town and this is the shit I found

I wrote this earlier today while at work BUT the COMPANY has now blocked my ability to post in my blog (the nerve) so I had to email myself what I wrote (I didn't lose it!) and re-post here. See what I do for you? SEE?!?!?

I had every good intention of writing over the weekend and replying to all of your comments. Alas, this did not occur. And now that I am here (well at work, but still) and trying to respond to your comments, I learn that, in the true spirit of this company, they have blocked access to my blog. Yet ironically enough, I can still access blogger (the root of the blog) and my hotmail. Great. But I've read them all and thank you and all that. And yes, Kristin, I did get the picture of the geese that you sent me in the mail and I peed myself a little when I opened it.

I'll be honest and say I'm not doing all that well today. The morale here in the ole office is very low. There were tears this morning (not from me). We are all pissed off, if to different degrees. We are all confused and completely overwhelmed and not able to focus. As Nick would say (bless his heart), I am steadily trotting along the road to Negative Town and trying with all my might to turn around. But this cloud has no silver lining. This whole thing just plain sucks. And I'm stuck here, at least for now.

That said, I'll do my best to make the best of an otherwise uncomfortable and dreadful situation. I've put out on the table all of my honest and forthright thoughts about the situation and I have no regrets. I have joined another gym in order to work out some of my aggression and get out of my apartment (I got a pretty good deal, too). The money situation, for now, looks less bleak and my lesbian hairdo is starting to progress into the fierce stages (even if not on this particular day).

I'm also pretty pissed that Crash won Best Picture last night. Clearly the Academy is made up of a bunch of pussies. Now, Crash was a good picture, but Brokeback Mountain was an amazing picture, regardless of your thoughts on the subject matter. I went to bed at 10pm because the montages were getting to me and even Jon Stewart's valiant attempts at humor could in no way keep me entertained.

Fuckin' Academy.

There is entirely too much

Oh ladies and gents!

What a week it has been...WHAT A WEEK IT HAS BEEN.

There is not possibly enough time for me to write in full about everything that has occured. Partially because I'm at work and partially because I just plain don't have the energy.

I will start with the important things first.

1. THE IDOL. This week, the ladies were, for the most part, a complete suckfest. The gentleman were quite a bit better. My early favorites: Katherine, The Pickler, Mr. Dashing Dantry and Elliott. Do I have predications yet? NO. Are there contestants that I wish I could vote off? Yes. One. And her name is The Bitch that is Brenna. From hence forth, she is BTIB, The Bitch, or, if I'm lazy...Brenna. Results are tonight and boy do I have tunnel vision.

2. The Boyfriend Status. My man is doing much better. He has an interview tomorrow. I love him more than I ever have. Through everything, he is my rock and I am his. I cannot wait to officially start my life with him. Sure, we fight. Sure we disagree on many things. But I just can't picture a day in my life without him. (barfing noises are acceptable if you need them to be).

3. My sister. No, I haven't quite spoken to her in length just yet. Sure, it upsets me a bit BUT bottom line: She's my sister, I love her and we will always have each other no matter what. We have the tragedy that is our mother in common. Maybe a bit of a break from each other's drama is what we need.

4. My J-O-B. I have to keep this vague because I would never want to risk my professional career because of my blog. It has happened to some good people. It has also happened and then made life better for those people. I'd rather not take the risk. A sketchy summary: my boss was fired yesterday and the way I have known my job to be has ONCE AGAIN completely changed from what it was before. Let's take an assessment: This will be about the fourth time in 7 months. I still believe in what I do and I still want to maintain my professionalism. But I'm pissed off and I'm not keeping that a secret. Karma better be a BIG FUCKING BITCH in this case.

Some shout outs:
Pretty Miss: Congrats on the new job! I wanted to make my good wishes to you official. And I love you to pieces.
Sexy Mama: You are a beautiful woman and an amazing friend. You're not alone and you can talk to me WHENEVER. Smooches and HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!!!!!!
Cousin Tiara: Congrats on your new job as well! Nick has already asked about free, limited edition Star Wars toys. Just throwing that out there.
MC: We need to hang out. Especially since you now live back at home. You must be maddened.
Cuz over the Sea: Uhm...someone asks me for a HUGE LONG EMAIL because she said she would kill me if I didn't write one to her and I get NOTHING. What the fuck, dude?
M-Kizzle: You rock, you roll and you are the best boss this girl has ever had (and I had EIGHT at that other company alone).
My surrogate mom and my surrogate bro: I miss you both SO much. I know I'm lame about calling and getting together and I'm terribly sorry. Just know that I think of you both often.

If I've left anyone out, I'm a big asshole.

VERY IMPORTANT AND URGENT NEWS BULLETIN

After almost a year of stress, blood, sweat and tears, I have just gotten one of my two credit card balances down to ZERO.

ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERO.

So what if the other one is in the thousands? Want to start somethin' about it? Huh? HUH?

It's ZERO interest until August.

How DO...YOU...LIKE....THAT?

Wish me luck

Today I will reopen my can of whoop ass and make a final (maybe) attempt towards the ultimate goal of US Airways becoming my bitch.

Now my 5 year old niece has one up on me

My sister and I are giving each other the silent treatment. We got into a bit of a brawl over some stupid family crap (actually a dinner that I would have very much wanted to attend) and neither of us has made any sort of move to apologize. That's probably because we are both very stubborn and hard-headed. It's also because neither of us think we did anything wrong. So...there's that.

In other news, I've started being interested in wearing earrings again. I had a large collection when I was about 13 and frequently wore small bobbles that were age and time appropriate. But I've gotten rid of a lot of that, for obvious reasons. Now I'm thinking with this new hairstyle, some dangly and stylish earrings may be just the ticket.

That said, I bought a pair yesterday (starting out small) and have worn them...and I think I'm allergic to them. That OR I basically had to re-pierce my ears this past weekend with another pair of earrings because (see above) it's been a while since I've worn them. Meanwhile...Audrey (my firecracker toddler of a niece) has recently taken her original studs out of her ears and is now experimenting as well. So starts the reversion back to my tumultuous childhood.

Sorry. I'll try harder next time.

Something that makes you want your mommy

And that something is my PMS wrath.

The bloating combined with the sudden, frequent and passing urge to cry, as well as this being my first period off the pill (oh, such a long story) is making for quite the storm below the belt.

GOOD LORD.

What on earth did I do to deserve this?

Don't look at me, don't touch me and certainly, if you know what is good for you, DO NOT engage me in conversation.

(So I really hope it is actually PMS and not me losing my mind.)

The Mantra

This is where I give myself a pep talk...about everything.

Stay positive. All of this hard, emotionally gruelly work will pay off in the end. It WILL bring a rewarding, happy life.

IT WILL.

Get out of that computer chair and work out. You know that if you don't do it now, you will be no good to anyone, especially yourself. And considering the trip to Georgia you will take later today and everything that goes along with trying to single handedly pull your boyfriend out of his severe depression and downward spiral due to a recent series of extremely unfortunate events, you'll need all of the good feelings and self confidence that you can get.

Afterall, you didn't have to go to work today. You decided that you needed a day off. And what should you do on your day off? You should do nothing but nice things for yourself. All nice things!! NICE THINGS.

I will not let the current size of pants grow by number in any way and I will NOT give into negativity.

This too shall pass.

Yes! Good job! (pats self on the back)

Same shit, different shovel

This, my fine friends, is my new favorite -ism.

Perhaps I should start an "-Ism of the Month."

Or not. I've gotten increasingly lazy when it comes to anything extra-curricular. I don't have the energy.

My sister told me last night that she is "concerned" about me. Apparently she "hasn't heard enough" from me lately and thinks I'm becoming a "workaholic." I tried to explain to her what was involved and why I don't have a choice when I stay at the office until 8 at night, but she didn't seem to listen or understand. Alas, I understand her frustration. If only Nameless Successful Staffing Company #1 had an iota of sympathy. But they don't. So that's that.

I'm off to ATL tomorrow afternoon for a weekend with my long lost boyfriend. I feel like he's been away at war or something. He hasn't....it's just that airline tickets are fucking expensive and I can't afford to be purchashing them frequently and either can he. Wish me luck in getting to meet USHER.

What else?

The Steelers win Super Bowl XL!

In case you didn't already know.

And is it me, or are Roman Numerals severly underused? I hope I'm not alone in thinking, for just about two seconds, that the XL meant extra large.

Or am I?

This Bud's [commerical] for you

I've never paid so much attention to a Super Bowl in my entire life. And it isn't because of the commercials.

I know the players. I have some real stock in the game. My emotions are fully involved. Or as fully as emotions can be involved by a woman who hates (yes hates) football.

I think I've lost my mind, but hear me out:
I really do think that if the Steelers win this game, it means so much more than the Vince trophie thingie.

You with me so far?

Are you?? ARE YOU??

The overabundance of the color yellow has clearly effected my brain function.

GO STEELERS!!

Oh shit.

Yeah...THAT kind of lawyer

{To be filed under the category of "Why ME?"}

The US Airways saga continues. And I get closer and closer to blowing my stack.

Yesterday I was overjoyed when what looked like a check from US Airways had arrived in the mail.

Could it be?? Could they have actually sent me some of the money that they owe me? For true?

I'm so naive...apparently.

Yes, there was an envelope in the check. And yes it was the amount needed to cover the expenses incured while I was without my luggage that fateful weekend early last December. Yippee! Right?!?!?

What was also included in the envelope was a letter including the following excerpt:

Unfortunately, as outlined in the US Airways' Terms of Transportation, US Airways assumes no liability for missing photographic equipment. Such matters, however, are reported to our Security Department for appropriate investigation.

Doesn't that just RULE? This would have been VERY helpful information TWO MONTHS AGO.

There is also some shit stamped on the back of the check that is hardly readable but basically states that if I sign the check to cash it, I give up any and all right to claim against them again. So I can't even turn that fucker into cash. And, let me also state that I could really use an extra $120 right now.

That tightness in my chest is happening again.

I am already on the quest to hire a sleazy lawyer. Any and all (helpful) suggestions are always welcome.

Facing the corner of my office with a dunce cap on

Anonymous has schooled me once again.

I need to get back to my roots.

Once The Idol gets into the top 12 is when the fun really starts.

But let me first start by saying I am very much looking forward to the Boston Auditions. The accents, the big hair, and the serious presence of 90's fashion is all highly anticipated. Tuesday at 8/7 Central has been put aside.

Cell phone off.

Door closed.

Pajamas on.

I'm not kidding around here.

I made you say Under-Where

I have worked a combined 30 hours in the last two days. I'm not really tired, which is suprising. But then again, all I have done is gone to work, gone home, and, fairly immediately, gone to bed.

So I thought I was managing pretty well.

That was until I ran to the bathroom this morning to get rid of half of the morning coffee and realized that my underwear were inside out.

And backwards.

And a thong.

I remain perplexed as to why it took a visual to bring me to these realizations.

What does it take to get some attention around here

Greetings!

I read a few posts back and I'd like to apologize for being such a bummer lately.

I'm sure you all understand. And if you don't, well...fuck off then.

That said, I've made some changes up in herreeee. One of the changes was made a shor t time ago and no one has said a WORD. Hello?? Anyone out there? Does anyone care?

You've all given up on me, haven't you? HAVEN'T YOU?

I'm obviously an attention hog. If you weren't humoring that, you wouldn't be reading.

So you better notice today's change and say nice things.

(Please)

I don't know how they expect me to live like this

Ugh.

Another payday, another two weeks without money until the next payday. I smell a vicious cycle.

Since I've decided to stop complaining and feeling sorry for myself about the OTHER thing, I've moved onto complaining about money.

I don't have any.

In fact, I have even less now than I have ever had. Add to that, I have credit card debt. It isn't an insane amount, but it's there, hanging over my head and waiting to start collecting interest. I have until August to pay it off and it just isn't going to happen. So oh well, right? It's just money.

How does this happen? How am I making all this money and yet I still have none? What sick bastard came up with this plan?

Here's the rub: The more money you make, the more money you spend. It isn't something that happens on purpose. It sneaks up on you and all of a sudden, the largest amount of money you have ever earned up until this point in your life leaves your checking account as swiftly and quietly as it enters.

I started doing my taxes today. I love tax season. I love how everyone else is moaning and groaning and in a panic and I'm patiently awaiting that last 1098 so that I can get right to it. Perhaps this is because I have never actually had to pay taxes. And I'm fairly certain that I have yet to break any laws (fingers crossed). I like getting money back, so I claim the least amount that I can. Now, I'm not naive. I know that this will get much more complicated as I get older and I will slowly become one of the moaners and groaners and develop to the point where I pay someone else to do my taxes for me. BUT...until that day, bring on the refunds, baby!! I've done the rough math and it looks like a nice chunk of change is coming my way. Shhh...don't jinx it!!!

I probably shouldn't be talking about taxes in my blog. But whatever.

The reason I have money on the brain is firstly because I've paid all of my bills and I now have about .50 to live off of until the next time I get paid. But ALSO because we had somewhat of a family meeting today and I realized that, one fine day, there could be a whole lot of money coming to me. And the best part?? No one has to die!!! Isn't that fantastic?

But it will be a while. There is little to do about it right now, except to keep enjoying the new car smell and to continue to buy the generic Q-tips.

I suppose this is good news

I have a new primary care, Dr. Z, who is very nice and very thorough. She hooked me up with a neurologist this past Tuesday who sent me for MRI's (brain and neck) yesterday. The results are in and apparently there isn't a scratch on them. While this is fan-friggin-tastic news, it still doesn't help me to explain these symptoms that I'm still experiencing.

I'll go back to the neurologist (Dr. L) next week for "next steps." Some drugs had best be Step 1.

In the land of other news:
My job is still borderline skull-crushing and my boyfriend seems to have had some sort of mini-breakdown which I feel responsible for.

Oh yeah...I'm great.

She might as well be Dr. Pepper

Hello from the land of self-pity!

But really...I'm doing a whole hell of a lot better. With the support from family, friends and my amazing boy toy, I think I'll make it.

I know I sounded like a big HUGE baby last week so I told myself to shut up and stop being so fucking lame. So what if my left arm still feels pretty funny? I can still use it (for the most part). And so what if my job still rots? It's only temporary (hopefully). And so what if I won't see my boyfriend for another month? Isn't fondness supposed to make the heart grow stronger? (What does that even mean?)

Let's embrace this new year and focus on the positive, shall we? Taking control of the things I have the power to change. And having a fantastic sense of humor...and a wonderful support system (and I'm not talking about Victoria's Secret Body Bras).

That said, tomorrow I begin the quest to change my primary care physician (PCP to those familiar with the lingo) because she 1) sucks and 2) might as well be in Guam. I've had enough with her apathy and rushed visits. She makes enough money to at least pretend she has a heart.

And no...I don't have multiple personality disorder.

Yet.

Dearest Friends

Apparently my coping mechanisms have failed me. I've gotten myself into a place where I get so worked up about who knows what that I end up in the hospital because I can't use my left arm.

It's not my heart and it's not my brain. I'm just...crazy.

I'd love to have happy and unlifting news. And when I do, you'll be the first to know.

For now, I need to work on doing a better job of being a grown up. Wish me luck.

I promise it isn't for lack of trying

I wish I could report some uplifting news. I really do. I've been sitting here, trying to squeeze it out with the best of my ability. I've closed my eyes tightly and listened to relaxing music. I'm sipping chamomile tea. I may enjoy a mug of warm milk later. I've tried to visualize a sunny beach and inviting ocean water. I've done deep breathing. I've perfected my downward dog. I know my peace animal (Boston Terrier) all too well. I've crossed several tasks off of my to do list. I've written some emails to close friends. I've called my sister. I've watched hours of wonderfully mind-numbing television.

Nothing is working.

Lola, however, honks her hello.

Happy New Year?

I think I've gotten old. Only because I couldn't even stay up until 10pm last night, let alone midnight. Added to the fact that Nick and I were going to buy booze and party like rock stars here on the 6th floor but alas, we just didn't. I think we are both so exhausted from the past couple of weeks. It's nice to do nothing. And since he doesn't mind me lazing around his apartment in my best sweats for days on end, I guess that's just fine with me, too.

I don't have much news to report. Luckily, my luggage made it to Atlanta this time. I flew Delta, which is a very nice airline. Not that they had to try very hard to impress me.

I'm at Nick's right now, waiting for him to come back from the airport with a very adorable 4 year old. I haven't left the apartment today which I think is just fine but still feels weird.

I hope he remembers to bring me back that chocolate chip ice cream.