Stand by Me

I started writing this post on Monday...

Ugh. Work today is just killing me.

I slept in half an hour late and drove to work. For whatever reason, I really thought that extra half an hour of sleep would change my life. No so much luck.

I like my outfit, if not only because it's comfortable and I don't think I'm bloated. That and my boobs are managing to restrain themselves today.

I kind of have a lot to cover, so let's begin.

1. Last week the shrink told me that we're completely recalibrating my pharmaceutical cocktail. At first I was really hesitant, because I've been on the same "new" medication for a few years now and when we've tried to change things up in the past, we've always ended up going back to old reliable. She thinks this new stuff is the wave of the clinically depressed cure future. I'll let you know.

2. I saw my ex, The Mailman (and his current girlfriend) for the first time in about a year and a half on Sunday. He used the word "beautiful" to describe me (while at the same time I was suffering from a severe case of swass) so it went pretty well. His current girlfriend is still a skank ho.

3. I turned down a date on Saturday. With a fitness instructor/social worker who thought I was a hot ticket. Why? I've turned over a new leaf. I'm seriously considering going cold turkey on dating for a while...like until my 28th birthday. I thought the idea was GREAT until...

4. Today (it's Tuesday now) I got a text message from a mysterious number telling me he had met my sister at Foxwoods and she had given him my number. He lives in the area and maybe we could get drinks sometime?

4a. There are several things wrong with this.
1. My sister and Foxwoods don't belong in the same sentence.
2. What the?

Turns out my sister WAS in fact (randomly) at Foxwoods (I did some detective work) and she did in fact give some random my phone number. I'm not mad...why bother. It's not like she does this all the time. OR ever. Apparently this guy is cute and so is his friend. I returned his text about an hour ago now and have not gotten a reply.

So now I ask: Uhm...why text some random chick and then when she texts you back, not return it? Perhaps he's in shock like "oh wow I never thought I would get a reply" or maybe he's trying to figure out what to write back to me. As you can tell, I'm already annoyed by this whole thing.

The only redeeming quality for all this is that my sister claims the following about this guy (and I quote): "His celebrity look alike is Jerry O'Connell"

For those of you not in the know, Jerr Bear has been looking SMOKIN' hot lately.

So yeah, I'll meet him...if I ever hear from him again.

If a coworker fell asleep, would hear their head hit the desk?

I get to sleep in a whole extra hour tomorrow. It's very exciting compared to the lack of anything else going on.

For whatever reason, today at work is particularly mind numbing. It's super quiet. I don't think anyone has spoken outloud in an hour, or at least not that I could hear.

It's very dark and ominous outside. It makes me want to curl up under my desk and use my flip flops as a pillow (they are cushy) and my skirt as a blanket (it has large pleats).

Meanwhile...what I do hear is a very slow and monotonous thumping. It's curious. I think it's a ghost.

The only emails I have gotten in the last hour have been spam. We have quite the spam problem here lately.

It's not as if I don't have things to do. There's filing and and a handbook to proof read. But who wants to do that shit?

I'm so bored I could cry.

Banana Phone

Yesterday found me out near Route 84 for a dance recital.

The theme of the recital (featuring THIRTY FOUR separate dance numbers!), was "Dear Diary." Most of the dances had nothing to do with a Diary, but I really have to give credit to the woman who puts this show together every year. She's had a dance studio for over 30 years and teaches kids of all ages all kinds of dance. Every year she has to come up with a different theme. I would definitely have run out by now and just starting using themes like "Fruit Chew Flavors" or "Between the cushions of my couch."

My darling niece (she's 7! can you believe it?!?) was in two of the 34 numbers; number 7 and number 31 to be exact.

Number 7 had the best set I think I've ever seen at a dance recital: A huge cardboard banana telephone booth with various actual size plastic bananas hung inside as "phones." The number was set to a song most aptly titled "Banana Phone." I think it was one of the strangest, cutest, most bizaar things I have seen in quite some time.

I'm almost speechless, obviously.

Hmmm...perhaps you are correct, Anonymous

Now, while any blog is typically, by nature, a self indulgent thing to have, a certain anonymous someone feels I am wrapped up in myself and has identified themselves (I think) as a "friend I used to have." I couldn't tell with the shoddy punctuation. But I'm almost CERTAIN I know who you are.

I did not publish this comment because it's an unfair judgment. If this person feels as though I have neglected them in some way, they should really just speak with me directly, instead of making an anonymous comment on my blog which has NEVER professed not to be self indulgent. Look at the title, for goodness sake!

I get the feeling that the person who posted it needs some attention. Happy now?

I almost didn't address this, because you know I detest drama. But you know what? It's the last fucking thing I need and I'm standing up for myself.

Julie Andrews would be so proud

I didn't want to post so much, only because I don't want it to be some depressing, dark, damaged entry about how my life just keeps sucking.

I'll try really hard to put a positive spin on it, just for you. Or not. Let's see what we get.

Perhaps I need to learn to accept that this is IT, this is the hand that I've been dealt and, for better or worse, I need to suck it up and deal with it. After all, I have medication to manage my freak outs and a variety of wonderful friends and family who are relentless in their support (Positive Spin #1).

For those of you who I haven't chatted with in some time: I do apologize. When I get like this, I tend to shut down and not want to say much to anyone (phone, text, email, you name it). It's my coping mechanism, I suppose. I'm learning more and more about myself each day (Positive spin #2).

In summary:

1. My job has turned into a full on witch hunt of sorts and, as a result, my faith in the general goodness of human nature has significantly faltered.
2. Whether it's due to living alone, or isolating myself because "no one understands me," it turns I'm terribly lonely, but not so much willing to do anything about it.
3. Some important relationships have taken quite the hit in the past year, to the point that it feels like my whole world has been turned on its head.

Then, a more recent blow:
While I took dating off the table to focus on the new job search, the new job search hasn't been going all that well (despite my best efforts, but only sometimes), so I took a gentleman caller up on an offer for a date. Well OF COURSE it hit me all of a sudden that I really like this guy and, long story short, he is emotionally unavailable and wants to be just friends. For whatever reason, this put me way over the edge, much further than it should of...and now I'm embarrassed and ashamed.

I don't think a new "friend" is a good idea right now. I hardly talk to my existing ones for fear that they will grow sick and tired of hearing about my depressing shit. And plus, I'll always have this hope that we'll be more than friends some day. And that sucks...like when I was 19 kind of sucks. No good.

So, we're back at square one, aren't we, Friends?

But the beginning is a really good place to start, right? (that's #3)

I'm not sure if it's sad...or it just is what it is

I have a new guilty pleasure. It's call Footballer's Wives and it's AWESOME. For the first time ever, I have had to ask myself if I can watch BBC America with my current cable subscription and if not HOW DO I GET IT.

First of all, I would like to concurrently thank and curse my cousin for introducing me to this. Curse because 1. It's a time suck (what isn't?) when I'm supposed to be looking for a new job at every waking moment 2. It is so amazing, that when it's over (there are currently only three seasons, 8 episodes each, available on DVD via Netflix. The current season, #5, is the LAST season.), I will be so utterly depressed that there is no more. I would like to thank her, and tell her I love her, for the same two reasons.

JOAN COLLINS is in the last season. Whoa.

Meanwhile...the new summer intern at work is sitting next to me and must think I do nothing all day. Don't know why she would think that...In the last hour, I have printed out directions to my interview (see below), read all of Go Fug Yourself AND researched my new beloved addiction (see above). That's some solid work to me.

Good news: I have a phone interview on Thursday and an in person interview on Monday.

Hooray! Rejoice!