The guy who sits in the cube on the other side of me called me a "go-getter" today. Yikes.

I wanted to write not because I necessarily have the time, but because there are things my people need to know.

First of all, work is fucking great. Really. It's super demanding and stressful and draining. I love it.

In other news (because I didn't want to lead with this):

Recently, I spoke with the Ex's Ex. For those of you who don't know the story behind this, I'm real sorry, but I'm not going into it right now. It's a long one and I don't have the stamina.

Turns out the guy that I genuinely thought I would marry and have children with is deeply disturbed and has long-standing emotional and financial issues. I had always thought he was quite a loser on paper, but still a good guy at heart with plenty of potential. Well, he may have good intentions (I'll never know) but if the stories she told me were true, he did me a huge favor by dumping me.

Shit...do I say "Thank you"?

What the?

It's going to rain for the next forever and I can't find my umbrella. I've had this umbrella for about 10 years now. I used to hate it. It's this really gawdy red plaid thing that my grandmother gave me for Christmas one year. My cousin has one in the same plaid, but this equally gawdy royal blue. I wonder if she loves hers as much as I love mine. I just always wanted a black one. But I've learned to love it over the years, embrace it, in fact, for it's utter ugliness. It's become one of my favorite things.

And it has disappeared and I am so very lost.

I never lose shit. Ever.

Better than him

I can't imagine how things would be different if I had never met Nick. I'm not sure I would have had the confidence to go for the job I have now. I'm not even sure if would have crossed my mind. He encouraged me quite a bit through it. If anything, he was the driving force behind it. Once of us had to be successful and I decided it was going to be me.

But then I think...That's the wrong reason to go after something like that. I should never do it for anyone else except myself. There would have been different hesitations and different hang ups, but I think I still would have realized it was the right opportunity for me.

I love Nick. I really do. And it kills me to write that and think that and want that...and not be able to have it. It hurts so much that I can't even begin to write about it. But I have to because if I don't, I'm fucked. Because I can't talk to him, I can't tell him all this stuff. And who knows if he even reads this. I'm sure he lost the link, he's terrible at keeping track of things.

And I can't talk to him because there is nothing left for me to say. The questions I have, I know he doesn't have answers to. I need to get to a place where I am content with never having answers. But that's hard. That is what makes my heart sink and my throat get tight. That is what I think about before I fall asleep and it is the first thing on my mind when I open my eyes.

I miss him terribly. I miss the way he enunciated and I miss his son yelling in the background. I miss him calling me "kid" and "baby" and I miss being the most important person in someone else's world. And I miss having that person in my world.

The harsh reality is that he's in a bit of a mess...and he obviously has some stability issues. The harsh reality involves plane ticket purchases, made with money that he doesn't have, and probably will never have. I think he believed in the promises that he made me, but that was part of the problem. He wasn't lying to me, he was lying to himself.

So where does that leave me? Well, it leaves me with a broken heart...but a really bright future. I know what is important to me now, and I may not have known that before. I know how to love the deepest, and most passionate way. And I'm really fucking proud of that.

I miss you more than you know. But I get it...and I will eventually learn to forgive you.

Shit

What a fucking crappy hand I keep getting dealt. I guess this can only mean one thing: Some REALLY GOOD STUFF must be coming down the pike any day now. Right?

At any rate, Nick is now the official "X" and I'm basically a big fucking mess this weekend. My grandmother's memorial service was this past Saturday, and that wasn't exactly fun either.

He dumped me because we are just too "different" which is completely lame and I just don't get it. I'll never get it. I called him today for closure and all he really had to say was "Sorry." I asked him again if there was someone else, and he said "no." I asked me again if this was really what he wanted and he said "'Want' isn't the right word."

I wasn't expecting much.

Some good things about all of this:
1. I no longer have to deal with an ex-wife.
2. I no longer have to carry around two phones all of the time.
3. I no longer have to pay for expensive plane tickets or go more months than not without seeing my boyfriend.
4. I can finally decide whether or not I want to REALLY move out of my apartment and into a better one.
and 5. I can be single with the rest of my friends for the summer.

So...there's that stuff. I wish this was easier and didn't completely suck so much. But...as Fiona would say:
"It ended bad, but I love where we started."
And..."What wasted unconditional love...on somebody who doesn't believe in the stuff...oh well!"

Thanks for everything.