Some updates

I was just re-reading some entries from the past month (I should really go to bed) and it occured to me that I left you, my loyal readers, hanging on a few key items.

1. BNS: After I bailed on our date the second time, I haven't heard a peep from him again. I don't blame him, not at all. Do I feel bad? No, not necessarily. After all, the second time I blew him off was for a completely legitimate reason.

2. Yummy: Haven't heard from him in about a month now. I deleted him from my phone. No sleep lost there. What a drama queen...

3. Match: No action of note...of course there has not been an additional email nor a phone call from Match Justin. What an f-ing coward.

To....Bed!

Don't mind if I do

So one of the things that I really like about myself is that when I'm not happy, I do something about it. Go me. That deserves a pat on the back.

I told my roommate today (not Super Douche, the other one...you know, that I actually like) that I need to live in my own place. I was a bit nervous about relaying the news, but she was great about it. Bless her, really. I'm so relieved. Like I used to say when I was little (how cute was I?)...I feel like a hundred dollars.

Also, I have a new crush. We'll just call him "The MC" for now. Who knows where it will go, but he's fun and he makes me laugh and he's showering me with attention and compliments, which I need right now. I met him last week...when I got way too drunk.

More good news...Tomorrow is Friday and I get to see a very dear friend who I miss immensely. I will probably cry a bit when we embrace. But it's cool...I know she'll understand.

I'm happy the last couple weeks are finally over and I can see light at the end of the tunnel. It was a toughie.

Thanks for hanging in there...

Moving on

So Christmas Eve was not at all a good scene. I had a few glasses of wine and blubbered all night about how much of a mess my life is. You'd think I could hold it together. I could have cried at the drop of a hat. And then everyone reassured me my life wasn't a mess, I would not die alone and I was very successful etc. etc. They all told me how much they loved me, which was so nice to hear. Alas...no one could produce a loving significant other...no, not even a blue one.

Then my mother (my real mother) showed up. It wasn't so much upsetting as jarring. I was caught extremely off guard...not the kind of surprise I like. She was actually fine...it was her husband who was a real dick. Fuck him. And he was drunk, of course. It takes one to know one.

Transition to today, a much more normal and calm family gathering where I had an epiphany. If I can't afford to buy something right now, I need to rent a place and live by myself. I can't deal with roommates anymore. It's not anything in particular, I just feel like I'm suffocating. And as much as I love southie, I need somewhere to put my car. I pay too much for it to wonder if I'll ever see it in the same condition I left it. I think my sanity is worth more than anything else (including the down payment on a condo), at least for right now.

Obviously waiting until the winter ends to actually move is a good idea. I did a quick look and it appears that Malden/Medford are the places to be that I can afford and still save just a little bit. Wahoo. That also gives me more time to squirrel away money and something to look forward to. Perfect and more perfect.

New project! I needed this.

Man Children strike again

It's not a good sign when I'm the only one I know with balls lately.

I'm not sure if somewhere along the line in the 70's and 80's, Mom's went a little overboard with coddling their sons. Whatever the reason, I'm currently paying the price.

I've been emailing with Match Justin for a couple weeks now. A week ago today, I emailed him my phone number. I'm learning that it's a good litmus test. I got an email back from him suggesting we hang out this Thursday and that he would call me this weekend. At the end of the email, he included HIS phone number.

Starting to sound familiar yet??

When I got home last night, I had an email from him (no phone call) telling me has had more holiday celebrating to do than predicted and will not be able to hang out on Thursday but "certainly wants to get together."

UGH...really? He must know eH Chris.

I'm not returning the email, nor am I using his phone number. I very much doubt he will grow a set and actually use my phone number, so I'm sure I'll never hear from him again.

Do I need to give lessons? MAN is this frustrating! I'm normal (it's all relative) and I date online. There has to be a guy who has a set on there somewhere! Right?!?!

But honestly, I'm feeling much better about everything. Despite it all.

Merry Christmas!

I'm happy for you, really I am

Super Douche got engaged.

While I'm not typically into making jokes about killing myself (especially lately)...MAN am I tempted to make one.

But I won't.

But I think you get my drift.

Yeah, not cool

It's 2:30 in the morning on a Saturday. Surprisingly, I'm not drunk. In fact, I'm totally sober.

I tried to go to bed at 9:30. Unfortunately, the party in the apartment below me was just getting started. It doesn't seem to be a Christmas party.

I got out the ear plugs, fired up the white noise...and attempted to sleep until about 40 minutes ago. Then I gave up. No combination of sleeper's friends can drown it out, as I believe the main source of music is coming from the room directly below mine.

I know it's too late to reason with them (they are certainly all very drunk) and I've already tried calling the cops. They never came. (Did you know you need to actually dial 911 for a noise complaint? Last time I checked, that wasn't an emergency.)

I'm not usually into revenge BUT if I were having a party, I would have at least put a note on their door to invite them, or give them warning...so maybe they could go and stay with my parents or something...and get some sleep. I'm fucking tired. REALLY tired. It's been a rough couple of weeks.

I am also very hungry, as is typical if I'm awake at this hour. So anything I eat, they will certainly be blamed for.

SO I'm exacting my revenge. It may involve ringing their bell super early one morning or maybe sabotaging some laundry that they happen to leave downstairs. It will happen when they least expect it. I kind of wish the old man on the first floor was home. He'd call the police until they came and not just give up, resolving to be miserable and sleepless.

In other random news: Super Douche (hated roommate) has gotten me a Christmas gift. It's all cute and glittery in a little bag with a card. I'm pretending I don't see it, only because I don't really know what to make of it. I most certainly did not get her anything.

Also...I've been feeling really down the last few days. I went out Tuesday and got ridiculously drunk and called into work on Wednesday. Very irresponsible. I think I've been feeling down because I'm drinking entirely more alcohol than I am accustomed to, and on a regular basis. Living in the city and having a social life is not a good mix with the anti-crazy pills. So I need to tone that down. I'm sure it will help.

Then there's the whole Mike thing. I'm sick of thinking about it and talking about it, so that's all I will say.

(you're getting a long entry...suffering along with me...)

Being that I'm just sitting here, trying to waste time until they all pass out downstairs (hopefully it won't be long now), I started looking into some old files that I had transferred over from my old computer. I wrote a few pretty decent short stories years ago and I was re-reading them. They are about me being lost and confused and angry. I'm hoping when I'm not over tired, I can convince myself that things are different now.

What should I eat? I think some oatmeal...

It's not just the weather outside that's frightful

My horoscope for today:

It's difficult to avoid intensity today, even if your reactions make your life more complicated than necessary. The more you attempt to deny your feelings now, the less control you have over what happens. Loosen the reins and take the course of least resistance. As long as you stay true to yourself while remaining kind to others, things should work out okay.

It's intense, alright Rick Levine. How did you know?

I'm picking up more drugs today.

Meanwhile, I'm really sick of people talking about the weather and making excuses because of the weather. Leave earlier, drive slower, don't be an idiot.

Why is it so hard?

Medicated

It's official...I am drugging myself beginning now and throughout the holiday season. Between recent family tragedies, disillusionment with my career, my lack of significant other (and recent setbacks in that department) and my absence of New Year's Eve Plans (I mean I'm working on it, but I'm just not motivated), I need some help.

Don't worry. They are legal.

Drunk text

I was feeling good yesterday. I got up and moving early, got a fantastic (and very expensive) haircut (the grow out is complete!!!), did some errands and some cleaning. I even dug out my car from Thursday's storm (finally) and, after I recovered from some severe crankiness post dig out, I braved the mall and finished my shopping!! I even purchased a few key items for myself.

I looked great when JP and I headed out to the bar...and I felt great too. Tipsy and happy. At the bar, I gabbed it up with a few people and drank a bit too much. Again, it doesn't take much for me to get drunk...and bitchy when the hard stuff is involved. So then I stuffed my face with Wendy's (ew) and proceeded to ditch JP at the T station while I jumped on my train. Whoops.

THEN when I finally got home after practically freezing waiting for the bus (I managed not to slip on any ice on the walk home!), I changed in my pajamas and...oh...you know...send Mike a text message. It read as follows: "I miss you. I can't help it. I hope you are well. Thinking of you." Time stamp: 1AM. Of course he'll read it and know I sent it after drinking and may disregard it. When I try to remember what THE FUCK I could have been thinking, I'm pretty sure my drunk self knew that my sober self would feel like a jerk...but drunk self did it anyway.

Damn you drunk self!!

So I feel like a real asshole. Not just for the drunk text but for being bad friend.

In terms of the text...whatever. I can't take it back and I'm doubtful he'll write back so in a way it's just a bit more of a push to move on.

So maybe it's a good thing.

Did I mention my hair??

Stop it

Some of the guys are match are just creepy. CREEPY.

I'm tired, so I should really just go to bed. I'm also hungry.

I was feeling good today...about everything. I think I am still am in general but it's been a long week.

Monday seems like ages ago.

It's impossible to miss someone after only a week of knowing them, right?

Now I'm pissed

Sigh. You'll have to forgive me if I start repeating myself.

Since Mike dropped the bomb on me yesterday, I'm pretty sad about it. But I'm also pissed. What the hell? I'm not going to lie, either. I feel a little silly. I knew him for a week. Period. I mean, how attached could I possibly have been? As much as I tell myself that it is certainly for the best, it just doesn't make it any easier. I really liked this one. I liked him more than anyone I've met in the last year and a half.

And while I want a sweet, sensitive guy, I think Mike is a little too sensitive. If I heard him utter the words "broken heart" one more time, I was going to reach across the table and shake him.

He doesn't know what he wants. I know what I want. And I should celebrate this.

It wouldn't work.

I'm really happy with how I handled myself, especially for someone who is in the middle of an annoying Monday. I could have freaked out and thrown water and/or food in his face. I could have lost my appetite (oh no this girl ATE her salad). I could have cried hysterically before leaving (no, I did that after). I could have hit him. Punched him. Told him that he's a coward and a fake.

But I didn't. I remained calm, collected and showed only some vulnerability (I'm human). I held it together until my back was to him. I held it together long enough to tell him to let me know if he changes his mind. I even managed a kiss on the lips and an arm rub. I accepted his humble apology for being an ass. I (kind of) kept a straight face when he asked me if I would be OK.

I don't want to sit here and say I hope I hear from him again. Nor do I want to say that I think I'll hear from him again. I don't even know if it's a hope of mine. Maybe he'll think of me when he feels like he has his shit together. Maybe not. Maybe he will never get his shit together. His history with relationships isn't the only thing he's confused about. My dear friends tell me I'll hear from him when I've turned him into yet another distant blunder memory. Let's just say I haven't deleted him from my phone yet. But it's so easy...and I did delete the pictures.

And I'm not waiting around.

Is this really happening again?

So remember the guy I mentioned, that I was dating (now exclusively) and it was really good and I didn't want to jinx it?

HA HA HA! Well, I guess I did jinx it. He took me out to lunch today to tell me that he needs to be alone, he's not ready for the "intensity" that he feels when we are together.

Yep, middle of the f-ing work day.

Am I pissed off? Yes, actually I really am.

Did I have a sixth sense that this was coming?

Yes, yes I did. It was not a complete surprise.

I really REALLY liked this one. We connected, we had the same sense of humor, we liked the same kinds of things. He walked up to me in a bar and gave me his number for god sakes. Maybe (JUST MAYBE?!?!?) he should have thought it through first.

And just asked himself...if this amazing woman actually calls me, am I really READY FOR THIS?

Ugh, no you're not. But thanks for playing.

Fuck it.

ARGGGHHHHH

The holiday season does this to me. It's too stressful.

I even started to get into it today, I swear I did. I was listening to Christmas music and everything. It was quite the out of body experience.

So one of the things that I was supposed to buy for my niece for Christmas is SOLD OUT. How does this happen? Uhm...MAKE MORE OF THEM.

What else...

Oh, so I'm dating someone exclusively. I know, I know. I haven't filled you all in. I'm sorry but I've been a bit crazy about it. Like...thinking he's a great guy and I'm gonna mess it up at any second. Good thing is, he's thinking the same thing. We're both pretty stumped when it comes to "dating" and both admittedly bad at it. But we've also both learned from our prior relationships (dare I call them "mistakes"?) and we don't want any repeat episodes. But he has a really cool job and, after about a week of knowing him, he seems like a decent guy.

But there is STILL plenty of time for him to turn into a douche bag.

Because I'm annoyed at the world right now, it's not the best time to go into it further. I'm trying to think positive and la la la.

Ugh...bedtime I think.

To my Jewish readers...Happy Hanukkah!

So much can happen in 5 days

I've been really conflicted about writing regarding my recent dating life events.

The main reason: So far, it's a great thing, I don't want to jinx it.

I think I've told most of you who read this here blog-o-rama about the coolest thing that has ever happened to me (Ok, top 10) and for those of you who I haven't told...I'm sorry, but I can't keep track. I started re-telling the story to someone this morning who I had already told. Whoops.

In addition to me not wanting to jinx "it" by putting "it" in the blog, I also just haven't had so much time to sit down and write the poignant, funny and ridiculously witty entry that I know you have all come to expect.

Of course there is a part of me that thinks it will, at some point (sooner or later) all come crumbling down and then I'll rant and rave about it...here...

But until then, you'll just have to ask.

In other news, Match Doug got the "Dear John" email and reacted to it well. I sent an email that wasn't an obvious display of my distaste for him. After all, Karma can be a bitch.