Thursday, July 31, 2008

The one when I go off about people who are way too self entitled

I happen to be around quite a few people who were born with a silver spoon in their mouth...and I'm around them way too much. Professional hazard.

I hope that someone puts me out of my misery if the day ever comes when I think something is below me. We'll list manual labor, or anything that may fall under that category, as an example. I happen to work in an office that stores ridiculous quantities of paper, in all shapes, sizes and forms. Occasionally these papers will need to be brought out of the cobwebs for review, but guess what? It is VERY much below many people here to stoop to such a level. Get my OWN files from downstairs? And CARRY them UPSTAIRS? They can't be bothered. Some of these snobs can't even load a coffee cup into the dishwasher. They leave it for those of us who weren't blessed with the god given talent of drawing lines on paper. And plus, they are way too busy being assholes to everyone who "doesn't understand."

Even some of those on the last rung of the totem pole have their over-compensating sense of entitlement. That is even more mysterious to me.

I just don't get it. I went to college, then I did my time in the trenches. I did anything and everything that was asked of me and then some. I didn't bitch (too much) about having to do it, either. You work hard to be successful. Sometimes you have to drive a fork lift and wear fingerless gloves. It doesn't stop at getting a BA, an MA or even a fucking PhD. What is wrong with these people? Why do they think their shit doesn't stink? Why do they seemingly appear to think they are god's gift to the world?

Last time I checked, we weren't saving lives or curing cancer. So drop the fucking attitude.

Ugh I've had enough.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Scrab's Wart

Hello hello.

The groin is fine, for those of you who were wondering. It was unbearably intense pain for most of the day on Friday, but by the evening (+ three Mich Ultra's) I was feeling grand.

Work has been busy during the end of last week and beginning of this one. Busy is good. Busy is also annoying. I go back and forth.

My new friend Scrabulous ("Scrab") has been taken down from Facebook. This is TRAGIC and sad. I know some of you share my pain. Scrab and I were just starting to really feel something for each other.

In other (disgusting body) news, I have finally come to terms with the fact that I do in fact have a wart on the bottom of my foot. I've been in denial about it for a looooong time, and trying to pumice it off, dig it out, amongst other self mutilating methods. It just keeps re-surfacing.

Sigh. Yes, it's a Plantar's Wart. This means I have HPV...on my foot. This also means that it's highly contagious.

So if we've ever shared a shower, I'm super sorry. Really I am. You may have Herpes on your foot, too.


Thursday, July 24, 2008

The Princess and the Pulled Groin


I went to the gym today (to note: actual gym with machines and weights and hot personal trainers who were playing boxing match with each other) and I over extended myself, thinking that would be a way to compensate for my long absence. I think the endorphines had a negative effect on my otherwise sharp (errr) mind.

I'm stupid.

While doing a squat into a calf stretch - a move none too complicated, straining or difficult because it's really just me trying to stretch my calf because of the fucking charlie horse I woke up to this morning - I felt a twinge in my upper thigh/crotch area.

Yeah...I pulled my groin. Cough cough.

I've never pulled my groin muscle before, I've only heard that it's really painful and uncomfortable and there isn't so much you can do for relief.

All those things are very, very true.

I feel a total asshole.

Nonetheless, I'm about to get some ice to put...on my crotch.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Top Ten Signs of the Apocalypse

It occurred to me while I was in the grocery store store yesterday that the world will most certainly, one day, come to end...and maybe faster than we think, if I don't try to put a stop to it.

It happened when I noticed that that Douche Bag Ty Pennington has his own fucking magazine. He's not just on the cover of a magazine, nor is he simply featured in an article in f-ing Better Homes and Gardens or some shit. No no...This is the TY PENNINGTON MAGAZINE.

I digress.

This was my first hint that the world is beginning to crumble slowly around us. Then it occurred to me that there are several other signs that pop up in my day to day life that signal the eventual end of life as we know it.

These aren't things like the melting of the polar ice caps or global warming or world hunger or terrorism or weapons of mass descruction or nuclear power. No...this shit has NOTHING on all that other stuff.

I'm sure it won't be in my lifetime but someday, at a distant point in the future, this shit is going to come crashing down around us and it will be directly traced back to Ty Pennington and his fake tanned, obnoxious, no shirt wearing ASS.

A further explanation:

The true signals of the Apocalypse include things that are so ludicrious, unnecessary and irrelevant, things that make the bile rise in your throat at their mere mention, things that actually lower your IQ, things that make you yearn for those few minutes back that you wasted even letting them cross your lips. These are the top ten people and things that are slowly breaking down the world as we know it.

If you are unfamiliar with anything in this list, I encourage to go ahead and Google it, so that you may learn how to help slow the end of days. I would put links in for everything, but that's way too much work, and I have online Scrabble to play.

Here you go:

1. Ty Pennington's Magazine (as previously mentioned) or anything that has anything to do with Ty Pennington

2. Kathy Lee Gifford's return from the crypt

3. Suzie Orman and her jackets

4. Larry King's inability to die

5. The Osmonds' inability to age or go away...forever...please

6. Oprah's fast approach to Deity status (focus on: Favorite things episodes)

7. Nancy Grace's ability to spawn

8. "I Love Money" and "America's Got Talent" (they count together as one)

9. Heidi and Spencer go to Iraq. As if they those poor people don't have enough problems.

10. Calf implants and anyone who would actually have surgury to obtain something so fucking ridiculous

Maybe next week, I'll have a whole new Top Ten. Goodness knows there is plenty of other ridiculous shit to talk about.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Growing pains

It became painfully apparent to me today that I cannot always relate, know or understand the experiences of others. I don't always have the answers and I am not always right.

Along with that, I feel as though I'm being extremely selfish in a couple of situations. I know I need to get my head out of my ass, but I'm having trouble. It isn't easy to change these stripes. The defense mechanisms (misplaced blame, or just plain ignorance) are rappant and obvious.

But the solutions I need to suck it up and deal with these issues don't seem to be readily available in my emotional tool kit.

I would be an idiot to think I had "it" anywhere near all figured out.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

First of all, it's hot as hell. I'm not sure what is happening to me. I was always a pretty sweaty person, but recently it's even worse. I'm sweating like CRAZY.

It's not like I've never been through a summer before, or am not familiar with heat, humidity, stickiness, chaffing, etc. Been there, had all that.

But this summer has been markedly different. It's hard to describe the type of hot I experience. There is no relief for it and sometimes it makes me panic. I feel like one of those women you hear about having hot flashes, but only in the comedic way that had been beaten to death. Am I having hot flashes? It can't be...

But a few other things that are bothering me are:

1. Who the fuck are the marketing people at Six Flags? First it was that freaky old bald dancing bald guy who was so obviously not old OR bald. Now we have some cracked out Asian kid with his head in a circle talking about how many flags things are worth? WHAAAAT?

2. I love the Counting Crows as much as any fan, but Adam really needs to stop fucking whining. I downloaded the new album a while ago and hadn't listened to the whole thing until recently. I must have known in the back of my head that I would be disappointed with it. It's not that it's bad, it's just that Adam has been writing the same fucking songs for 10+ years now. We GET that you are a hot mess and can't hold onto a relationships. We GET that you are depressed ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Admittedly, I had really high hopes for the album when I saw them in concert last summer. Adam had been working out (and we know that physical activity is a proven quasi-cure for chronic depression) and he put on a great show. The few songs he did from the new album were promising. I thought maybe the new album would be like "Hard Candy," which is an absolutely amazing album.

3. Guess what, Madge? There is already an album called "Hard Candy." It came out over 6 years ago by a little band you might have heard of called the Counting Crows. Fire your marketing people. I can't believe I got suckered into spending $115 to see you at the Garden. Ugh.

That's all. I'm so hot.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Spoiler Alert! The one where the pug kills the baby

First of all, the biggest shout out ever to Donald for giving me one of the best, most thoughtful, and-for-no-reason presents EVER.

That's right, kiddies.

Donald found, by some miracle of Buddha, Seasons 4 AND 5 of Footballer's Wives.

It is quite the momentous occasion. So momentous, in fact, that I had my cousin come over yesterday for an emergency viewing session. We got through the first two episodes of season 4 (Tanya and Amber have their babies and then one of them dies at the paws of Amber's PUG. YES A PUG KILLED A BABY.) and made arrangements for her to come over again on Thursday for a continuation. It will take us a while, but I don't feel right watching it alone, and depriving her of the joy. And plus, it's much more fun to watch them with someone who appreciates the amazing outrageousness of it as much as I do.

Disclaimer: There is no menu and therefore NO subtitles. Shannon, the trashy wife of HOT Harley (it's ok to think he's hot, he is legal), is especially difficult to understand. Buuuuuuuuut we decided to make up what she was saying and were pretty sure it was dead on accurate.

So, thanks again Donald my love. You've made this girl monumentally happy.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Get the plunger

I love my landlords.

My kitchen sink clogged up yesterday and I panicked a bit. I couldn't do my dishes and we all know that dirty dishes cause chaos and we also all know that if I cannot properly manage the chaos, I will tweak. This applies to MANY upon many other things (loose trash, dirty clothes, dust bunnies, small specs of miscellaneous material, etc.)

Anyway, my landlords are super adorable and so nice and I feel like I've been bothering them a bit too much lately.

First was the day after they had left for Florida for 5 weeks back in March (time share) and my heat just stopped working. That took a couple days for them to patch up for a far. Good thing I had that space heater.

Then a few days ago, the cold water wasn't coming out of my washing machine. Turns out the hose was clogged. They fixed it right up.

And then the sink yesterday. They came over lickety split and it was all better!

Whenever they come to fix something, they always come together. He isn't so great with the English (they are "off the boat" Italian) so she does a bit of translating. Oddly enough, she speaks to me very slowly and loudly, like I'm elderly, or a small child.

My step mother endearingly refers to them as Lilo and Stitch which is very suitable, for various reasons.

They recently offered me my pick of the vegetables they are randomly growing on the side of the house however they have not yet told me that I can use the in ground pool.

Hrmmm. I wish they would do that. I hate to ask. I hate to be imposing.

Monday, July 07, 2008

When I discover that facebook is not so great for my mental well being

I've been up on facebook for a couple weeks now and it's really been a mind fuck. I've been seeing all of these people I went to high school with that I haven't seen since then, but also connecting with some current friends that I adore. I went looking for certain people because I was bored, really more bored than curious. Another reason I need a new job. When it comes to the ghosts in my life, ignorance really is bliss. People I haven't seen since age 18 have *shocker* continued to live their own lives without me watching. They got married and are having babies and some are even exactly the same.

Anyway...I went searching for one of my ex boyfriends, one I don't think I've ever talked about here. I found him, and now we're "connected" and all that. He was my "first" in a couple of ways, all the way back in the day. He's younger than I am (shocker, I know) and is seemingly traveling around the world and living the dream in the big city. It's so strange for me to think that he is the same person that I was once so madly and deeply in love with, so many years ago. Right now, it seems like a different life and I feel so tired from having lived it. And I can see he has changed, but he really looks exactly the same as he did almost 10 years ago. It's totally creepy and unsettling and gives me heart palpitations. How can so much time have passed, and each of us be so different, but really not have changed? And, much more importantly, why can't I let certain shit GO?

I might know the answer: He was part of shaping who I am, for better or for worse, and that's something I can't forget. And maybe I was that for him. But I should be proud of it because I've learned from every thing I've experienced, ex boyfriends included. And the past is past but it's healthy to visit once in a while. I just can't get stuck there for too long.

But I'm not looking for anyone else I'd rather not find.

Update: The guy my sister gave my number to (mentioned in a previously written post) ended up being a real shallow prick. I sent him some pictures via email and he waited about 4 days to write back that I "wasn't his type." I won't lie, it made me feel like shit. But then I realized that it doesn't really matter and it could have been worse. We could have ended up on a date, sight unseen, that would have been awkward and miserable. It might have put me over the edge. It's entirely possible.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008 your mom home?

At work yesterday, I got a mysterious voice mail from a not so eloquent woman who claims she had sent me her resume and were we still looking to fill summer positions? She left an inaudible last name, no first name, and a phone number.

There were many things wrong with this voice mail:
1. Last time I checked, it was July 1st and the summer is in full swing.

2. I don't know your name. Why would I call you back?

Normally I wouldn't return this call, but I was kind of bored and curious about who like this exists in the world.

So I call and the same woman answers. I say who I am and where I'm calling from and I'm returning a call from this number, but the person didn't leave their first name. She apologizes. So I ask her what email address she used to send her resume. Then the fun began. It went something like this:

Me: What email address did you send your resume to?
Crazy Lady (CL): Well it's not my resume. It's my son, Jeremy.
Me: Ok (inaudible insult)...what email address did your son send his resume to?
CL: Oh I have that information in the other room. Would you mind just holding on for a minute?
Me: Ok.
CL: I have so many fans going, I can't hear you very well. Could you speak up?
Me: OK!
CL: Ok to hold?
Me: Yes!
CL: Thanks so much. Be right back.

Now at this point of the conversation, I am wondering a few things.
1. Who still owns a phone with a cord?
2. Why isn't Jeremy calling me himself?
3. How OLD is this woman and how old is Jeremy?

CL: Ok I'm back. thank you so much for holding. What was the name of your company again? I'm sorry I've just been making SO many phone calls today.

This is something you don't ever EVER say to a potential employer.

Me: My name is Stephanie and I'm calling from ________. What is your last name?

CL: It's _________.

Me: I haven't received any resumes from anyone by that name. Did you find the email address he used?

CL: Well....uhm...let me see here...he's really better at these email things than I am...

Me: Can I ask why he didn't call himself?

At this point, I'm scared of the answer I will get, but I"m pretty sure it will be lame. However, I was braced for something like "Oh he's deaf and mute and you're a horrible person."

CL: He isn't very good on the phone but he's much better in person. Are you still hiring for the summer?

Me: Well, we are in July now, so we are set with summer interns. We had them set up in the spring.

CL: Oh. He started looking then but...(inaudible)

Me: Let me give you my email address. Send his resume to me and I will keep it on file for next summer. Have him check in with me early next year. Ok?

CL: Oh thank you so much. So it's too late for this summer?

Me: Yes...and I think he needs to get over the phone issue. He needs to be able to speak for himself.

CL: Now, I don't undertand that.

Me: I'm sorry?

CL: Agencies call on behalf of people all the time, what's the difference?

Me: The employment agencies are offering a service to firms and their contractors are their employees. Do you employ your son?

CL: Well no but-

Me: Send me that resume and thanks so much.

CL: Ok thank you-

Update: I have not received a resume.