Monday, July 21, 2008

Top Ten Signs of the Apocalypse

It occurred to me while I was in the grocery store store yesterday that the world will most certainly, one day, come to end...and maybe faster than we think, if I don't try to put a stop to it.

It happened when I noticed that that Douche Bag Ty Pennington has his own fucking magazine. He's not just on the cover of a magazine, nor is he simply featured in an article in f-ing Better Homes and Gardens or some shit. No no...This is the TY PENNINGTON MAGAZINE.

I digress.

This was my first hint that the world is beginning to crumble slowly around us. Then it occurred to me that there are several other signs that pop up in my day to day life that signal the eventual end of life as we know it.

These aren't things like the melting of the polar ice caps or global warming or world hunger or terrorism or weapons of mass descruction or nuclear power. No...this shit has NOTHING on all that other stuff.

I'm sure it won't be in my lifetime but someday, at a distant point in the future, this shit is going to come crashing down around us and it will be directly traced back to Ty Pennington and his fake tanned, obnoxious, no shirt wearing ASS.

A further explanation:

The true signals of the Apocalypse include things that are so ludicrious, unnecessary and irrelevant, things that make the bile rise in your throat at their mere mention, things that actually lower your IQ, things that make you yearn for those few minutes back that you wasted even letting them cross your lips. These are the top ten people and things that are slowly breaking down the world as we know it.

If you are unfamiliar with anything in this list, I encourage to go ahead and Google it, so that you may learn how to help slow the end of days. I would put links in for everything, but that's way too much work, and I have online Scrabble to play.

Here you go:

1. Ty Pennington's Magazine (as previously mentioned) or anything that has anything to do with Ty Pennington

2. Kathy Lee Gifford's return from the crypt

3. Suzie Orman and her jackets

4. Larry King's inability to die

5. The Osmonds' inability to age or go away...forever...please

6. Oprah's fast approach to Deity status (focus on: Favorite things episodes)

7. Nancy Grace's ability to spawn

8. "I Love Money" and "America's Got Talent" (they count together as one)

9. Heidi and Spencer go to Iraq. As if they those poor people don't have enough problems.

10. Calf implants and anyone who would actually have surgury to obtain something so fucking ridiculous

Maybe next week, I'll have a whole new Top Ten. Goodness knows there is plenty of other ridiculous shit to talk about.

2 comments:

Ashley said...

I have clearly been living under a rock, or perhaps just cooped up in a house with the highly medicated for too many shifts at my job. Speidi in Iraq? Seriously? Russ had to inform me that Spencer and his creepy flesh colored beard are appearing in playgirl. I don't even have the strength to muster curiosity of if the carpet matches the curtains with Spencer and his creepy flesh colored beard.

Rae said...

Can we add "living lohan" to this list?