I've been up on facebook for a couple weeks now and it's really been a mind fuck. I've been seeing all of these people I went to high school with that I haven't seen since then, but also connecting with some current friends that I adore. I went looking for certain people because I was bored, really more bored than curious. Another reason I need a new job. When it comes to the ghosts in my life, ignorance really is bliss. People I haven't seen since age 18 have *shocker* continued to live their own lives without me watching. They got married and are having babies and some are even exactly the same.
Anyway...I went searching for one of my ex boyfriends, one I don't think I've ever talked about here. I found him, and now we're "connected" and all that. He was my "first" in a couple of ways, all the way back in the day. He's younger than I am (shocker, I know) and is seemingly traveling around the world and living the dream in the big city. It's so strange for me to think that he is the same person that I was once so madly and deeply in love with, so many years ago. Right now, it seems like a different life and I feel so tired from having lived it. And I can see he has changed, but he really looks exactly the same as he did almost 10 years ago. It's totally creepy and unsettling and gives me heart palpitations. How can so much time have passed, and each of us be so different, but really not have changed? And, much more importantly, why can't I let certain shit GO?
I might know the answer: He was part of shaping who I am, for better or for worse, and that's something I can't forget. And maybe I was that for him. But I should be proud of it because I've learned from every thing I've experienced, ex boyfriends included. And the past is past but it's healthy to visit once in a while. I just can't get stuck there for too long.
But I'm not looking for anyone else I'd rather not find.
Update: The guy my sister gave my number to (mentioned in a previously written post) ended up being a real shallow prick. I sent him some pictures via email and he waited about 4 days to write back that I "wasn't his type." I won't lie, it made me feel like shit. But then I realized that it doesn't really matter and it could have been worse. We could have ended up on a date, sight unseen, that would have been awkward and miserable. It might have put me over the edge. It's entirely possible.