I hate when they do this

I understand American Idol is sort of a modern day variety show, but I hate when they do this group singing crap. It's so contrived and forced and you can tell that they are all squirming and hating it.

The "rocker" girl with the crazy hair (Nikki? I'm usually better with names, being in HR and all) should go home tonight. Let's put her out of her misery. This just isn't the right place for her and you can tell she's in pain. Nope, it's Amanda and she's staying! Oye America!

High waisted jeans on our cute Polynesian girl? Wha??

Jason Yeager. I hate his skunk hair. But he's getting voted off and he looks like he's going to cry, so I feel a little bad. It's a bit torturous and terrible that they have to sing again after they get the ax, isn't it? But I hope Luke is the other one to go. BARF.

Creepy Dog Tag David. Ew. I just threw up in my mouth a little. Pesto always comes back on me.

Oh boy...Alaina is super shocked! It's so similar to when Ayla Brown got booted and completely lost her shit. Ryan really is good at his job, though. I mean, he knows how to deal with awkward and uncomfortable. Dunkleman would never have been able to do that.

The elimination show is always painful. I might not even watch all of it (Yeah right). But already down to 16! Crazy!

Oh Robbie...I hardly knew you! But you do sing like a re-animated corpse.

***Early favorites based on singing voices AND personalities in no particular order:

*Girl who does the Britney impersonation. Kady I think. She just needs to chill-ax!

*Hot Aussie guy

*Adorable David Archuletta. I'm running out of ways to express how cute he is.

*David Cook (there are lots of Davids!). I may disagree with his mysterious hairline (grow it as long as you want sweetheart, I can still tell you are going bald in the front) but I like him. I think he's cute, minus his hair.

*Danny. I'm strangely curious about him.

*Carly except for her corn teeth.

*The girl who had terrible extensions last night...the last one to go. Asia, but that's not how you spell it.

Eeeeek

I adore Simon, I really do. He's so smarmy and British. Yes.

So...the cute little Polynesian girl is adorable and she can sing. Carly is great but her teeth are creepy to me. The rocker chick with the crazy hair wasn't doing it for me tonight but I kind of hope she doesn't get voted off because I like her. I don't know why.

I think Brooke is talented, but she's too sweet for me. The black chick who is an "actress" I don't care for. No reason, just don't. Could be because I'm racist. Maybe.

Kristy Lee is super lame. Go back to your horses and shovel some shit. I'm tired of hearing about it.

I live an anti-Grease existence, but I liked the girl who doesn't like her food to touch.

Girlfriend in the board shorts. NO don't do that!

The girl that does the Britney impression is really cute. I hated her shirt tonight and I don't think she chose the right song. Although I really like this song because it's in my favorite movie.

I know the girl whose daddy died will be good, so I'm signing off for now.

Oh The Idol

You you you.

Already there are contestants that I can't stand the sight of. Since the guys go on tonight, here we go.

Luke Menard: Ugh ew. I don't use this word often but...he's a F-A-G.

David Hernandez: He looks like he has a pole up his ass. He's gross and creepy and he wears dog tags. I wish his performance tonight wasn't really good. It kills me to admit it.

Danny Noriega: I thought I hated him last week but he's growing on me. Especially tonight when he used "Ish" as a word.

David Yeager=no talent ass clown. (But he did say "long and hard" teehee)

I'm tired. And the rest are tolerable.

Hmmm...

I'm fried right now. I can't do anything else today at work. Happens quite frequently lately, no?

ANYWAY. The blog entry from last night has empowered me and I'm ready to get some shit done. I'm feeling good today and I really want to do everything in my power to make this feeling last.

That being said, I am still receiving emails from Match. I haven't logged in in over a month. I got a wink today from a guy with the most potential I've seen on Match like...ever. I winked back, but since I let my account expire I can't email. And I'm not even sure I can receive emails.

What's a girl to do?

Daily HorrorScope

I read my horoscope almost everyday. Some days it makes sense and other days, it's all Greek to me. Like today's:

The Moon in your 12th House of Imagination can stimulate your dreams and activate a spiritual longing that won't be easily satisfied. Fortunately, the sweet Mercury-Venus conjunction is in your 3rd House of Communication, enabling you to plead your case successfully. No matter how adept you are at managing your responsibilities, plan on being confronted with some of your weaknesses today.

Spiritual Longing...Hmmm...pleading my case...confronting weaknesses...Huh?

So on days that it doesn't make sense, I've decided to replace my horoscope with:

"You should wear more eye makeup."

It fits no matter what. Like today...My spiritual longing is to do more shopping...The weakness I have been confronted with is my recent skin problem. What better way to distract others from this than to really make those eyes pop? And then go and buy more eye makeup?

Exactly.

Beautiful Dreamz

If you haven't seen American Dreamz (starring my girl Mandy), you need to go out and view it immediately. It is so witty, funny, poignant, laugh out loud funny. It's destined to become a Stephanie classic. I just wish the ending was a little bit different. Oddly, it is such an appropriate ending. That might be what makes me wish it were different.

I know, I'm not making any sense if you haven't seen it.

So...just see it, Ok?

Alright!

Enough whining. Seriously.

I've had it up to here with my sad sack routine. It's time to get over it and get a grip. So here's the pep talk, forever engraved on the world wide web so you can come back and visit, whenever you like, to remind yourself to get it together.

First thing is first: Have a better attitude about you job. Stop complaining about how you aren't respected and just do your fucking job. And if you hate it that much, find a new one. Fast.

Second: Stop going on and on about this guy or that guy and love lost and blah blah blah. Everyone's sick of it, including...me. Let's face it: They have all been really big losers/weenies/overly emotional freaks. You need a real man, with a set of brass balls. And those balls need to be bigger than your own. If you keep feeling sorry for yourself, you'll never find the rich/handsome/tall sex god that you deserve. He doesn't want some sad sap with bad skin and limp hair! Fix yourself, girl! Get a manicure for God's sake. That's why you collect paychecks!

Third: I know you love your DVR (as you should) but you need to give it a break every once in a while. All of the recorded reality loveliness will be still be here when you come home from going out and being hot. I promise!

And finally...go to Florida next week, enjoy the company of people three times your age and sip free vodka tonics like you have never sipped them before. Get a sunburn! Highlight your hair with that spray in stuff! Sass your parents! Read your book you've been ignoring because of that damned DVR!

Just STOP fucking whining...please.

Hol-y Shit

My combined credit card balances are BELOW $1K. It's a fucking miracle, seriously.

I never ever thought I would see the day when I would be living by myself, driving a non-shitbox, wearing clothes made of natural fiber, product in my hair, designer shoes (sometimes) on my feet AND have my credit debt to nearly ZERO?!?!

It's a new dawn, it's a new day.

Fuck YES.

Everything old is new again

I was supposed to have a friend over to the new pad for dinner tonight, but plans were changed. I don't so much mind have more time to myself but I still find living alone a bit odd at times. I think this falls under the "Be careful what you wish for" category.

I've been kind of a mess lately. I'm freaking out about my life, most specifically my career, and I feel on such unstable ground. I think I also have a bit of the old inferiority complex sneaking back in...I'm questioning whether or not I deserve what I've got.

When I get this way, feeling of accomplishment is huge, even if it's minor. Doing the dishes, going to the gym, putting gas in the car, depositing that old check for $7.20, paying bills...getting stuff like this done makes me feel less anxious. The more I check off the list, the better I feel.

So in this spirit, I found myself finally cleaning out my files. This is everything from old pay stubs to pictures to health insurance to 401(k) paperwork. Every 6 months or so, I drag out the shredder and go to town, sorting and putting it all away, just in case, on that minor chance, I should actually need to look at any of it ever again.

Much to my surprise, I came across some memorabilia that I had no idea I still had. I thought I threw it away a very long time ago. But I hung onto it. A year or so ago, when I filed it away, I probably told myself that, when I do run across it again, seeing it just won't effect me anymore. I'll have made progress and definitely have moved on.

Well, I was right...and oh so very wrong.

When Nick and I first started dating, he made me this sappy mix CD, complete with printed lyrics and explanatory notes of why he had put each song on the CD. I no longer have the CD, but I kept the notes, for who knows what reason. I also found some cards he had given me and the only pictures I ever had of the two of us, taken at a Red Sox game in September of 2005. I found all this, and proceeded to have the old feelings that go along with him: self doubt, heart ache and the obliteration of my once carefully thought out life plan.

All at once, I realize my heart hasn't been the same since. I would never EVER want to give him the satisfaction of crying over him, again, now, 2 1/2 years later. But it reminds me that I haven't felt the way I felt about him since. And even though he may have been a manipulative fake, my feelings were (and are) very genuine and real.

And then Mike came long, and brought all of this bullshit back. I sit here, red faced, and I hate them both. But with everything I have, I don't want to hate anything about any of it. I want to remember my experiences, smile about the happiness I felt, and be able to forget about, but still learn from, the heartache of it all. When I get there is when I know I'm finally ready to be with someone.

But even as I sit here and get all upset and cry (ok, it's more sobbing) I realize something...I'm not ready to give myself up again like that. Mike did me a favor. Even if it still hurts like hell, and I still feel so silly about pining over some pussy guy I knew for exactly 8 days, everything happens for a reason.

I'm not meant to love like that again just yet. This makes me angry, desperately lonely, relieved and hopelessly sad...all at the same time.

This is a problem

I feel like crap.

And somehow, I think that eating will make me feel better. Alas...it doesn't seem to be doing the trick.

All along, I've been thinking that my migraines (thank you, webmd) were sinus headaches. Hmmm...doesn't seem so.

I'm actually bringing work home with me so that I don't have to do anything else today. I just can't.

I'm also supposed to go out with some friends tonight on the North Shore, which requires getting home, showering, getting dolled up while feeling pretty bloated and shitty, and then driving to Salem, hanging out, then driving to somewhere in Gloucester (who knows) THEN trying to find my way home when I'm buzzed and tired...all while still having to wake up at 7:30 for my chiropractor appointment.

Would I rather just go home and go to bed immediately? Why...yes, yes I would. If I didn't have to get out of bed before noon, I might think differently. But I do, and I have to drive for an hour plus. I really should have done a better job coordinating my appointments...

New favorites

Work is busy today. It's a good thing, because it makes time go by faster, which is really the goal. One day at a time.

But in between the spreadsheets and timesheets, I needed a wee break. So I've decided to take this opporunity to tell you about a few new favorite things.

1. New favorite quote: "I don't have an ego, I just love how awesome I am." The first time I heard this on the Taco Bell commercial, I laughed out loud.

2. DVR: Yep, cable and internet are officially installed. I've already watched several things I have recorded (just for the hell of it) and ordered a few *free* items On Demand. The remote still smells like new plastic!

3. The Star Tac (I think) elliptical running machine: I joined Bally's yesterday and this machine kicked my ass. Why does this make it a favorite thing, you ask? Well, the senior looking woman next to me was two levels above me and not even breaking a sweat, so that gives me something to work towards. You know how I love goals. In addition, it has a built in face fan. Rule.

4. The new season of Rob & Big on MTV: I fucking love this show. Turtle races and mini horse competitions? Why isn't everyone watching?

5. H&R Block Tax Cut: I did my taxes in less than 20 minutes, people!

6. My own kitchen: I'm actually...cooking! GASP!

7. Mini tubes of Aquaphor: I don't think I need to say anything else.

I could come up with more, but I really must be off.

Sleeeeeeeeeepy

I haven't been sleeping well in the new place. I'm still adjusting and blah blah blah. Also there is some shit going down at work that makes me a bit uneasy, which tends to disturb my much needed beauty sleep.

I really wanted to get a good night's sleep last night, so I dug out the ole prescription sleeping pills. I haven't taken them in quite some time. I've been relying instead on my own will to sleep, pure exhaustion and the occasional dose of Simply Sleep.

WELL, when I used to take the real stuff, I would only take half a dose because it's pretty potent. After a while, I would get used to half a dose (read: immune) and every once in a while, I would take the full dose.

Last night, I forgot about the whole half a dose part.

It's nearing 1pm and I'm still not awake. But I did sleep really REALLY well.

I can't even believe I forgot to tell you...

I actually received some good news today!

Lovely (now) former roommate contacted me to tell that I don't have to pay rent for February in my old place! So that's extra cash in my pocket that I wasn't expecting. Hooray!!

I may use it to purchase some choice accessories for my new apartment...but what? Living room chair? An actual set of pots and pans?

The possibilities are endless.

I wouldn't call it a conclusion but the weather matches my mood

I've been at work since 7:40 this morning. I woke up early, got ready quickly and BOOM I was here.

Work totally sucked today. I was basically called stupid and incompetent. So that was shitty.

The washer and dryer get delivered tomorrow, God willing. I hope all goes well. I don't think I can handle a snag in that glorious plan. I wish cable and internet came tomorrow, too. Alas...another week we wait. If I can freshly launder everything at my convenience, I can most certainly go another week without cable and personal internet.

I was supposed to have date #2 with Match Greg tonight, but I called it off. I sent the "I am taking a break from dating because I'm going through some shit" email. It's not anywhere near a lie this time, but I really wasn't all that into Match Greg anyway. I just know when I am, and when I'm not...and I wasn't.

Of course, Christian Bale (aka my one and only celebrity crush) could walk up to me right now and offer me his hand in marriage and I would probably be all "Meh...I'm set, thanks."

I have plans with a former (male) roommate next week for a "date." I'm not sure what that means exactly. When I moved out of that place in June, he was dating someone pretty seriously. I have no idea if they are still dating, or if he's joking about us going on a "date" or...what. I trust him fully and he is a very decent guy, so there isn't any pressure to be upbeat or in a good mood, or even to flirt or look pretty. I mean, I'll look halfway decent I suppose. Hopefully that won't be too disappointing for him.