Sunday, February 17, 2008

Everything old is new again

I was supposed to have a friend over to the new pad for dinner tonight, but plans were changed. I don't so much mind have more time to myself but I still find living alone a bit odd at times. I think this falls under the "Be careful what you wish for" category.

I've been kind of a mess lately. I'm freaking out about my life, most specifically my career, and I feel on such unstable ground. I think I also have a bit of the old inferiority complex sneaking back in...I'm questioning whether or not I deserve what I've got.

When I get this way, feeling of accomplishment is huge, even if it's minor. Doing the dishes, going to the gym, putting gas in the car, depositing that old check for $7.20, paying bills...getting stuff like this done makes me feel less anxious. The more I check off the list, the better I feel.

So in this spirit, I found myself finally cleaning out my files. This is everything from old pay stubs to pictures to health insurance to 401(k) paperwork. Every 6 months or so, I drag out the shredder and go to town, sorting and putting it all away, just in case, on that minor chance, I should actually need to look at any of it ever again.

Much to my surprise, I came across some memorabilia that I had no idea I still had. I thought I threw it away a very long time ago. But I hung onto it. A year or so ago, when I filed it away, I probably told myself that, when I do run across it again, seeing it just won't effect me anymore. I'll have made progress and definitely have moved on.

Well, I was right...and oh so very wrong.

When Nick and I first started dating, he made me this sappy mix CD, complete with printed lyrics and explanatory notes of why he had put each song on the CD. I no longer have the CD, but I kept the notes, for who knows what reason. I also found some cards he had given me and the only pictures I ever had of the two of us, taken at a Red Sox game in September of 2005. I found all this, and proceeded to have the old feelings that go along with him: self doubt, heart ache and the obliteration of my once carefully thought out life plan.

All at once, I realize my heart hasn't been the same since. I would never EVER want to give him the satisfaction of crying over him, again, now, 2 1/2 years later. But it reminds me that I haven't felt the way I felt about him since. And even though he may have been a manipulative fake, my feelings were (and are) very genuine and real.

And then Mike came long, and brought all of this bullshit back. I sit here, red faced, and I hate them both. But with everything I have, I don't want to hate anything about any of it. I want to remember my experiences, smile about the happiness I felt, and be able to forget about, but still learn from, the heartache of it all. When I get there is when I know I'm finally ready to be with someone.

But even as I sit here and get all upset and cry (ok, it's more sobbing) I realize something...I'm not ready to give myself up again like that. Mike did me a favor. Even if it still hurts like hell, and I still feel so silly about pining over some pussy guy I knew for exactly 8 days, everything happens for a reason.

I'm not meant to love like that again just yet. This makes me angry, desperately lonely, relieved and hopelessly sad...all at the same time.

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