Go see...

Gone Baby Gone

Excellent movie, extremely well done. Ben Affleck directing, who knew? Makes me hate him a little less. That, and he was fantastic in Hollywoodland.

I'm still feeling emotional. But I can't really get a good cry going.

I need to own The Notebook and watch the last 45 minutes for moments like this. That would get the tears flowing.

I feel like I'm missing something.

When is my movie moment

You know that part in a movie, when the heroine overcomes all odds and pulls herself up by her bra straps and just fucking gets shit DONE?

I need that moment.

I ordered books today, books about having a mortgage and buying a house. I'm terrified. My heart is in my throat.

I had a mini breakdown last night with DC. He was good about it. I felt mildly pathetic. I was all "Waaaaah...I'm alone...waaaah...I need more money..."

Where was the Waaaahmbulance when I needed it?

And then I thought...where does this deep want come from to be in a relationship? What, really, is my big hurry? I've fallen in love before, it can happen again...right? And when it did, I wasn't a panicked, whining sad sack, that's sure as shit. Lord, I wouldn't even want to date me right now.

So, for now, I'm trying to snap myself out it. Because it seems as if I was in a good mood on Monday. Interesting...

P.S. The super cute guy from Saturday night did not call. And he won't call. And I hate him. But a lesson: I should have gotten HIS number.

News news news

So much to review! Where to start...

1. The Red Sox won the World Series. It didn't even seem hard. I wanted it to go seven games.

2. I replied to a "men seeking women" posting on craigslist last week (in my defense, it was printed out and handed to me), from some dude referring to himself as "T" (should have known!) and haven't gotten a response since I sent my picture. That makes a girl feel good. But...I asked for it.

3. I had the most fun I've had in a very long time on Saturday night. You know who you are, ladies...DAMN you're a good time!

4. On same aforementioned Saturday night, I witnessed a smack down, drag out girl fight. Eve (as in "Adam and...") vs. Bar Wench. In a crosswalk. Hairpulling was prominently featured. 1:30am. Just fantastic.

5. Also on Saturday night, I talked to a guy...wait for it...who was SO CUTE. And who ASKED ME FOR MY NUMBER. And I GAVE IT TO HIM. I looked like hot ass, too. (Remember how humid it was?) Miraculous! In typical single in the city fashion, I won't hold my breath for his call. It would be nice, but life goes on. No matter what, it was very a self affirming event.

Hooray!

I hate James Taylor

I don't even care if that makes me un-American.

I already had a headache.

Like "Hmmm...that's funny."

It's funny how love and support can come from a place and a person when you are least expecting it. And I also realize recently that I can be super critical of the way others are living their lives, yet taking a look at myself hasn't been as important.

So here it is...I need to stop being so cranky and snippy (because I really have been). Life is good! I need to lighten up and stop carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

So...Self...stop your bitchin'!

Baffled

Does this ever happen to you?

You recount the moments of your day while falling asleep in bed and all of sudden realized that, even though you are not in any way a perfect person, the most emotionally healthy, functional and non-annoying person you have encountered all day is...yourself?

Meanwhile...retail therapy is getting the best of me. All I want to do is shop. Who knew there were so many things that I absolutely need to have?

It's not so bad

I was in such a shitty mood this morning.

I don't feel good.

I had to deal with my douche bag of a roommate last night doing her boyfriend's laundry, not to mention piling so many dishes in the strainer (it would just be CRAZY to dry them and put them away, wouldn't it?) that I could not, for the life of me, locate a clean fork.

Then this morning I had just the cutest outfit planned and I was having a great hair day, only to come into work and be picked apart in a morning meeting. Thank goodness I didn't grow up with a parent who I could never, ever please. This job would be much harder if I had. Did I tell you that one of the owners of this place (the one that picked me apart) has the same exact birthday as my mother? Same day, same year. Yeah.

BUT I have to forge ahead. What choice do I have? It could be worse.

There have been other notable disappointments as of late, but also some people in my life who have shown me how absolutely wonderful and amazing they can be.

I thank my lucky stars that they put up with me. You know who you are.

And yes, I've absolutely, 100% given up on dating. eH Chris emailed me again this morning, and I told him that I'm taking a break and good luck and all that. I actually feel a kind of bad about it. But really...there would have been nothing there with him. Nothing at all. He doesn't like The Office.

Not like the crab

I've been quite the hermit this week. I've gone directly home every night and made dinner, done some chores around the apartment and then hid out in my room watching baseball and/or The Office. It's been a week of mood swings and private hissy fits, not to mention looks that could kill and many a sideways glance.

Every little thing is getting to me. Tones of voice, subtle movements, even topics of conversation. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to scream "Shut the fuck up!" at an innocent (or perhaps not so innocent) bystander.

I'm tired, I'm discouraged and I'm drained. It's not just singledom and it's ever encroaching permenance. True, that is a large part of my current unrest, but not all of it.

Choose another topic, any topic.

1. Work/Career
2. Housing status
3. Family drama
4. Hair
5. Pudge level

I don't mean to whine, really I don't.

I just feel stuck...like that time I was 10 and I drove a golf cart up onto a little hill and it got stuck on stop and I got in really big trouble.

Cancelled

I officially cancelled my Match Account today.
It will expire on January 27, 2008.

I officially cancelled my eHarmony Account today.
It will expire on November 24, 2007. The day after my 27th birthday.

A sense of relief has washed over me. Or is that despair? I can't tell anymore.

Now if I could JUST have some FUCKING PEACE AND QUIET after a LONG FUCKING DAY that would really be GREAT.

Eh ehm.

*Subsequent meltdown will begin in 3...2...1

I must be ovulating

Yes, it's true. And unbelievable, I know.

There is now even more reason to buy that Magic 8-Ball.

But for the most urgent question at hand (see previous entry), I don't need it. Last night, eH Chris once again emailed me asking if he could call me. When I did not respond to the email he of course did not call and instead...sent another email.

Wow...

WOW!

Both eH Chris and Match Frank are way off the reservation. Both are, for their own reasons, Date-iots. That's a Dating Idiot for those of you not in the know.

It's my blog. I can make up words.

I wouldn't usually just blow these Date-iots off with no explanation and leave them hanging, as I would never want to be left hanging.

But these guys? These guys don't even deserve an explanation. That's how completely frustrated and perplexed both of them have made me.

And I know...it's a collection of things that have put me in this state. But I'm going to project and blame it all on them.

It's OK as long as I know I'm doing it.

And if you're reading this and you're in a happy, loving, healthy relationship, please don't tell me about it. In fact, I'd like you to lie and tell me how lonely and miserable you are. I'm happy for you, I really am. But I just don't have the strength to pretend to your face. I hope you understand.

Meanwhile, I've eaten an entire box of macaroni and cheese and there are some cookies hidden somewhere that I need to find. The stress of the Red Sox game is the only reason I am emotionally eating.

The Magic 8-Ball says so.

Pimpin' ain't easy

So the end of last week was...upsetting, stressful and exciting...all at once.

The subsequent meltdown has not occurred yet but it can't be far behind. I'll be doing something completely normal like emptying the kitchen trash for the 2nd time in one day and I'll be pissed off about that, and then I'll just lose it because all the other emotions will bubble to the surface. I predict that to happen within the next...24 hours.

I had to make some difficult decisions at work, followed by the delivery of very difficult news. That's all I can say. It was...difficult.

The pathetic dating update:

Match Frank called me back on Thursday night from my return call that was placed on Tuesday in response to his call to me on Monday, the follow up first date call. I returned his call shortly after also on Thursday night. I shared news with him about my difficult work things and he sympathized...a little too much. He told me he would call me on Friday afternoon to "make sure I was OK." I told him that was nice, but really unnecessary. The items at hand were part of my job. Still, he called Friday afternoon and left me a voice mail. It starts off as quite nice: "Hey Stephanie, it's [Match Frank]. I know you've had a difficult day and I just wanted to say that if you needed a joke, give me a call."

It would have been great if it ended there. I would have said to myself "That was thoughtful and nice." But he continued: "I do have plans tonight [let it be known that Friday night was the first night of the ALCS and Match Frank is a big sports fan] but could make myself available and rearrange my schedule if you need to blow off some steam."

Hmmm...what does that mean exactly? I think you know the answer.

So if I was on the fence with him before, I've picked a side now. Ew. I wish I could put audio clips on here. Needless to say, I have not returned the call.

I also called eH Chris on Thursday night. I know, I wasn't going to. I think I felt like I should at least give him a chance to prove he isn't a big puss. And it was a good conversation! We chatted for about 45 minutes and only hung up because I had to go. It was promising. So then he emailed me the next day and we exchanged emails and he said he would call me on Sunday night. Well last night came and went and no phone call. Annoying. If you say you are going to call, then you call. Period. But he emailed me again his morning instead. When I called him out on the missed phone call, he apologized and gave me some lame excuse. But if I didn't call it out, I'm sure it would not have even come up. So he is a big puss. Shouldn't a Marine be more...aggressive? He's got the stoic thing down. More evidence that I just need to go with my gut.

Now comes the "Do I even bother meeting him?" decision.

To aid in these lofty questions, I hope to find and purchase a Magic 8 Ball. I think that will improve my life significantly.

I'm "that girl"

So I was planning on calling eH Chris tonight, I really was. He left me a very nice voice mail last night and genuinely sounds like he wants to hear from me.

But guess what. The Office: Season 3, Disc 2 was much more tempting. I had the phone in my hand, at 9:20 between Disc 1 and 2. But I just couldn't do it. I don't want to.

Additionally, I was hoping that Match Frank wouldn't call me back tonight, only because I would feel obligated to answer, and I really didn't want to talk to him.

Why? I have no good reason. None.

What's happening? I finally have some decent guys in the pipeline and I could really care less.

I think I'm shutting down. Maybe I need another break. Or a vacation. From everything.

Miracles can happen

Imagine my surprise when I received another email from eH Chris last night, post his email from last week giving me his phone number...after I had already given HIM my number in yet another previous email. Perhaps he realized he was retarded and a puss because his email was all "I was going to call but I didn't want to bother you while you were with your family." I wrote him back and told him the beauty of cell phones is that I can choose whether or not I want to be bothered. It totally has an "off" button. I don't get an electrical zap or anything everytime my phone rings. Now THAT would be bothersome.

Duh.

Needless to say, he got the picture because he called me about 20 minutes later. I was watching my new favorite show so I let it go to voice mail. Does that make me a little evil? Perhaps. Let him sweat a little, now that he's grown a pair.

Getting Lucky

So I had my date with Match Frank on Friday night. I know this will be sad for most of you to hear, but it was pretty uneventful.

I wasn't feeling that great all day Friday, so I left work a bit early to go home and take a nap. Eventually, I ended up sleeping most of the weekend. I'm blaming it on allergies.

Anyway...I was 20 minutes late to meet Match Frank at Lucky's here in Southie. It was a big game night and it took over an hour to get a cab to come and get me...and I wasn't walking two miles in heels. I called to explain, he was understanding. I get there and instantly see his bald head and have no doubts about approaching him from behind, just certain it's him. And I was right. So I think we kind of embraced. I can't remember. I was so out of it...I'm very surprised I had matching clothes on and even applied eyeliner. I woke up in a fog after my nap that continued until yesterday. So the conversation was good and he was very polite and funny. But I couldn't help but notice one thing.

When I looked at him, all I could think about was Jabba the Hut. It has something to do with extra neck skin combined with a wide smile. I am a terrible person. He's actually quite attractive in a stalky bald-headed man in his mid 30's kind of way, so I'm not sure why my mind is playing tricks on me.

Anywho...I did not think he would call because I was such a bump on a log. But low and behold...he called me yesterday! I returned the call today...hopefully we will connect again at some point. Was there a spark? Eh...hard to say. I felt like I was having an out of body experience for most of the date. The three beers only made it worse. I suppose only a second date will tell. History tells me that there will not be a third date, but history also tells me that I need to at least give him the chance. It's only fair.

Someone! Please explain

So I've been emailing with eH Chris a few times back and forth. He seems pretty normal, nice, even a bit funny. I wrote him an email last night and gave him my number. No, he didn't ask for it, but whatever. That's the next step...this I know.

So I get an email back from him this morning in which he gives me HIS number and tells me to "call anytime." WHAT? Excuse me? You're retarded. A girl gives you her number, you either call her or politely say you aren't interested. It's that easy.

Grow a set.

It's official. Guys on eH are total mama's boy pussies.

Trouble with a capital T

Hello friends!

WELL...Match Frank called me last night. Imagine that! We're meeting tomorrow night at a bar here in Southie. He picked a good place. I'm excited. We spoke for an hour and a half. He has a heavy Boston accent, which I find dangerously charming. Weird, I know.

So I'm hoping I don't find him too cute or too charming or too attractive. Because if so...it's been a while...and there might be trouble.

But then I will remind myself that I'm done with doing bad girl things on a first date.

Hoodwinked

Today, I am attempting to trick myself into thinking many, many things. Here are just a few.

1. That my hair is longer than it actually is. I pulled it into a "half ponytail" today with about 10 bobbypins. I'm sure I would set off a metal detector. I have no idea what the back up of my head looks like.

1a. That the back of my head MUST look better than the front.

2. That Match Frank will never call, nor will I ever hear from him again. Thinking that now will hopefully lead to less disappointment in the rest of men later.

3. That I have any authority over anything at work. Ha!

4. That I'm losing weight. This is a tricky one. My pants say one thing, my mind tries to tell itself another.

and finally...

5. That this weekend, with the extra day, will feel like a vacation.

Perhaps it's true that ignorance IS bliss.

Determination

So I've determined that I'm way too squishy per my preference. It's not that I want to lose weight necessarily (although according to my BMI, I am 20 pounds overweight for my height), it's just that I'd like to not be so doughboy-ish. And it's for myself, no one else so don't get all into "Oh she's losing weight for a guy" and all that crap. No, not it.

So I've started to keep track of what I eat and I found this website (www.sparkpeople.com) that is just great for tracking calories, carbs, protien and fat based on what you eat. It even has sample meal plans. If you're interested in seeing what it is you are eating EXACTLY, this site will tell you. It was a huge eye opener for me in terms of how many carbs I'm eating, which is way too many. So more protien it is. But they are also huge proponents of consistency and balance: The site is void of low and no carb dieting ideas.

It's also very rewarding although at times a bit corny. Also has exercise plans should you like or need that kind of guidance. I'm a huge fan. HUGE fan. Thanks to RS for introducing me. (wink if you're still reading)

In other news, I did end up emailing Match Frank my phone number yesterday morning. I haven't heard from him, but I'm not jumping to any conclusions. He probably has a pretty demanding job (remember those days?) and the Patriots DID play Monday Night Football last night. That's all a girl needs to know. And if he doesn't call? Whatever. I'm already over it.