Monday, August 29, 2011

I me wed

Oh shit! Where have I been?

Oh I know! Trying to live life away from my television and laptop. It's going...kind of well.

Since the fiasco with A.M., I was pretty traumatized with the online dating scene. However, I didn't delete my account or anything. Somewhere deep down inside there is a small, sad piece of me that awaits my Cyber Mr. Right. Heavy sigh.

While still waiting, a fellow messaged me that seemed intriguing, so I replied.

Side note: There have been a string of guys who haven't even made it to the in person phase and I think I've figured a way to screen out the crazies. Case in point...

So onto this fellow. He was REALLY into unnecessary capitalization and punctuation, which I've discovered, and maybe this is part of my slow decline into senility, that I am a real stickler for not only common proper grammatical usages, but also formatting in general. (Run on sentences are obviously one of the many exceptions. Hypocrite!) But just as an example: If you use an exclamation point at the end of every sentence, it really just completely loses any semblance of poignancy.

But enough about me and my charming quirks. Some history on, we'll call him...Erik. Because that's his name! He sent me a message and I gave him shit about the blaring errors in his profile and he actually wrote back, which I wasn't expecting, and then he asked me some really lame questions...Who's my favorite actor? Ugh pAH-lease...SO in order to actually start to get somewhere, I asked him a thought provoking and an It's Really Easy to Give a Crazy Sounding Answer to This type of question. I asked him about the hardest thing he ever had to do.

This was his answer:

The haredest thing I ever did was to marry myself in a ceremony after my sons mom cancelled the wedding on us, and left me while she was pregnant with our son. We got engaged and then she got pregnant, so it was such a new start for me, a new life, I was so excited for all the possibilities and a new life and for her to back out of it, given all reality of what she was walking away from, left me shocked, heartbroken, sad and overwhelmed. So on the day we were to get married, all of my family gathered, per my request, and I married me to myself. I had everyone there pick from a hat an aspect of life that they would carry for me. for example Strength, passion, love, honor, freedom, joy etc etc....They picked it, and then I said to each person there how much they meant to me and how much I loved them and thanked them for carrying that quality for me. mothers was "Strength" so she carried that for me, as a symbol of support. I then had everyone there tell me what they loved and appreciated about me. It was an amazingly difficult, and life changing day for everyone there, but it was also one of the most beautiful days of my life, other than the days my kids were born.....
So since we're now getting deep... I have one for you... Tell me about the last time you were moved to tears by something that took you off guard, and left you feeling like WOW, what just happened....?

I mean, this is just riddled with inconsistencies. If you have more than one son with this woman, was the first one born BEFORE you actually wanted to marry her, and then when she was pregnant with the second you thought you should make an honest woman out of her? Or was that her FIRST time being pregnant, she left you at the altar, and then you went back for more torture and knocked her up again?

Secondly...this guy obviously has a few screws lose. I have a legit chemical imbalance and I would never EVER do anything this crazy, nor would I participate in humoring someone to do something like this. What the?

So, for simplicity's sake, my reply was short and to the point, although I thought about not replying at all.

You married yourself?

Hmmm. I don't think we are going to go anywhere, bro. That's a little too deep for me.

He did NOT like this.

It was symbolic....I guess you've never been in that much emotional pain to understand. It was supposed to be our wedding day. Everyone was here from around the country to be there. Things were all paid for, hotels, car rentals etc...What were we gonna do, all sit around and shoot the shit...I made lemonaid out of lemons....I didn't REALLY marry myself but it was a symbolic ceremony of LOVE for all my friends and family, making the best out of a bad situation.. If you cant' understand that, then I guess you really don't like going deep, and that to me is sad. We need more feeling people in the world...maybe one day you'll understand. Remember you're the one who called it out of me, to say something real and revealing, well there you have it, careful what you ask for.... ERIK

Now, I thought about replying to this, with something along the lines of placating him like..."Oh no, you are totally right and WOW that must have been hard, You're right, I am sad because no one has ever hurt me like that." But that is SO not my style. So I thought about replying with something like "Uhm...why didn't you just have a big party? And do you really not know how to spell lemonade? And could you BE more stereotypical in the way you're patronizing me?" But then I thought it was best to just not reply at all.

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

I think you need a Bro, bro (Part II) aka The Un-Breakup

(Please read Part I first)

So on Sunday, I gave AM a call. I told him it turns out I'm not ready to date and that it wasn't fair to him for us to continue seeing each other. He protested quite a bit, of course, and then hung up on me. I was relieved. Alright! That's over!

Not quite.

He then proceeded to send me a series of text messages saying how harsh it was for me to do this and how he could never be friends with someone who would do that and I would never hear from him again. Alright! That's over!

I wish.

Early Sunday morning, he sent me a series of drunken messages saying what an asshole I was and screw you and you're an asshole and you're immature etc. etc. Ok, so he's really done now, right?


Then this morning he sent me a text about a book he let me borrow, and about how he was sure he would never get it back. I replied (this being the first time since I broke it off that I responded) and said I would send it to him. He replied that he didn't care, he was just glad he didn't give me anything important. Alright! That's over!

This afternoon I got ANOTHER message from him about how he was sorry about the other messages, that he hated that he missed me, and he didn't understand, and didn't think I was telling him the real reason etc. etc.

I thought about pasting the actual messages here, but it would be too long to read and my summary is really quite enough. I'm hoping if I keep ignoring him, that will be the end of it. Something tells me it won't.

Needless to say, I'm off of online dating for a while. This shit is craaaazy.

I think you need a Bro, bro (Part I)

I'm not even sure where to start. Some of you who read this might not believe it, but please trust me when I tell you it is 100% true. I could not, in a million years, make this shit up.

So, you have a little background on AM. Dramatic, needy, financial mess, but I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. He was very nice to me and complimented me a lot. What girl isn't a sucker for that?

This past Friday night, when things were progressing to the "next level," I made a shocking discovery about AM.

Some background: AM had told me one day a couple weeks back that he had a big secret and he was afraid that if he told me I would never speak to him again. I was thinking...felony, STD, etc. etc. Then he tells me he has a condition called gynecomastia. I dare you to look it up on Wikipedia. Put simply, this means man boobs, or moobs, or mitts (man tits). Now I didn't think much of it, besides the way he told me being unnecessarily dramatic. I can think of plenty of guys that I have dated that had a bit of an A cup. AM isn't fat, but he has a little extra on him, and I thought he was just self conscious about it and found a name to put to it. I moved on, and didn't ask questions.

Fast forward to this past Friday night. He had his shirt on, and I had my arm all the way around him so that my hand was on his side, under his armpit. While there, I felt something...foreign. At first I thought it had been my imagination, but then I moved my hand over than area again. Definitely something there. So I asked him "What is that?" and he got very defensive and said "I TOLD you, it's my PROBLEM" and I said "Yes, I know but what IS that" and he said, quite simply: "It's duct tape."

It was a good thing it was dark in the room because I must have had the most shocked look of ALL TIME on my face. Uhm...what? Excuse me? I didn't know what to say so I paused a second and then said "Oh that's intense" to which he replied "It's the only think that works."

I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I stayed around for half an hour or so to not make it too obvious but then I bolted. Even if he was the greatest guy in the world and we had tons of chemistry, I don't think I could have participated in that. As it was, he was NOT the greatest guy in the world and we had pretty much no chemistry.

So then I had to come up with what I was going to tell him as to why I couldn't see him anymore. It had to be something simple, perhaps a slight lie but not so much of a lie that I would feel like an asshole. And I had to do the right thing and call him on the phone to do it.

Continue to the next post for the stunning conclusion.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Is Duckie still single?

I was really starting to like Andrew McCarthy, or AM to keep it simple. He is funny and pretty cute and seemed to have his life together. Sure he has a few dramatic and extraneous things going on, but I was willing to be understand and look past most of it. Come to find out, boyfriend is reeeally bad with money. I'm actually embarrassed for him. Oh so embarrassed.

Now before I tell this story, I want to be clear on one thing. I am NOT of the breed of woman that thinks her man should pay for absolutely everything. Sure, a sugar daddy would be great, but I don't like feeling like I owe a man anything. It's unsettling.

Nevertheless, a man has to have some kind of cash flow available to fund dating, if that is what he chooses to do. AM doesn't seem to quite understand that. Last night, we went out on our third date. Things were going well, chugging right along, until we went to dinner, at a pretty cheap restaurant, and he couldn't pay the bill. We're talking less an $25 here.

* As a side note, I should give you a little history: First date, he paid the entire bill, and only accepted I provided the tip when I persisted (After all, I am an independent woman). Our second date I footed the bill, and while he offered tip, I did not accept and he did not persist. When I do the math, the third date was his turn.

Back to date number three. I've been told my opinion on this is a bit harsh, and maybe that person has a point, but I think that there is absolutely no excuse for this. To quote another friend, big boys have checking accounts and credit cards. He knew for days we were going on this date, and had plenty of time to move funds around, which is what his excuse was for lack thereof. I don't care if you are planning to spend money or not, there should be, at all time, AT A MINIMUM, $100 in your checking account. And a credit card, of which I have several and which aren't all that hard to get, is an excellent back up plan. I'm not saying I'm interested in dating someone with huge amounts of credit card debt, but what I am saying is that it's nice to have that safety net.

But it gets worse. When I footed the bill, he said he would get the movie. Ok don't have $25 in your checking account, but you have $16? Then, you'll just never guess the bad luck he had. The theater's computer system was down and not accepting cards, and only cash. Ha! And I heard this straight from the source, so this wasn't some tale he weaved for me. Soooo I had to fork over cash for the movie, too. The oh so ironic part is that I had stopped at an ATM earlier to get cash because I like to have it and I thought I might need it. Good thing one of us is prepared.

After the movie, I asked him if that kind of thing was going to happen all the time. I mean, I need to know what the deal is and I think that is fair. He was apologetic and embarrassed (maybe not as much as he should have been) and told me, No, of course not.

So where does this leave me? I really don't know. In my mind, this is a biiiiiig problem.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Kim Cattrall would be so proud


I have in fact mentioned aforementioned dude here before. He's the one who is afraid of mannequins, so I don't need your help with a code name.

We'll be calling him Andrew McCarthy. Bonus points good for purchase if you get the reference without looking it up on your IMDb app.

Yes I will be checking my baggage


To my three readers: Lord knows you are sitting around biting your nails and compulsively hitting the refresh button on your phone browser, just waiting for a new blog entry to appear. I'm sorry I put you through that, but girlfriend has been BUSY.

First of all, my state board licensing exam is a week from Saturday. It's totally not a big deal (uh huh...), except that if I don't pass, I lose my initial fee of $68and have to pay them more money to retake it. So, I need to pass. I'm very nervous. You see, they don't make it simple. The exam is completely different from how you would actually perform a service. The order of things is all jacked up and your model isn't even horizontal. You have to pretend you are a doctor prepping for surgery. That's how insane they are about sanitation and hygiene. Irregahdless, I've been jamming in the studying. I still have some time. Phew.

Speaking of time, the last three weeks have gone by scarily fast. I mean between pretending to do work while searching for a new job and scurrying around going on dates and having my phone blow up with potential job offers, I've been flat out. However, I am still making time for my Netflix Queue. Phew! I know!

What was that? Dates you say? Plural? That's right, bitches! Two dates with the SAME guy. Now I haven't mentioned him here, only because our first interactions weren't all that amusing or anecdotal. Our first date was last week and he was really nervous. Like so nervous he hardly ate. The second date just a phew days ago was much better. He's very sweet and he's really into me. That's the first problem. How am I supposed to function like that? A guy asking me about my feelings and shit? Huh? Then there is another huge caveat: He has a crazy baby momma. From what little I can gather of her, she sounds like a girl from Springer who wears a gold necklace bearing her name in shiny cursive letters (I wish I could take credit for that one). Said dude (I'm taking code name suggestions!) mentioned something about my style being "simple and elegant" (Barf, right?), which can only mean she wears Ed Hardy inspired clothes (she can't afford the real thing!) and possibly teases her hair.

Ok ok. So he's a nice guy. He has some issues sure, but I have mine, too. They just don't involve a baby and restraining orders. Who am I to judge? And no, I don't want you to answer that.

Friday, June 03, 2011

Excuse me, but you have my stapler

Fuck me.

I've been messaging back and forth with a potential suitor, but I think he may be too young for me. It hasn't gotten juicy or hilarious or stupid yet, but I'll be sure to update you if it does. I was messaging with another guy that seemed alright, but then he referred to Kristen Wiig as "grating" so I don't think I will write him back. I don't want to know someone with that opinion.

While I'm thinking of it, the recent (2!) comments to my blog have touched me. Deeply. Maybe it is three of you that read now, and that's fucking progress. I might as well be viral.

All that being said, I thought I would talk about work today. After all, I am at work just trying to burn time until I do yet another meaningless and mind numbing task. I just watched Office Space last night and, for the first time out of the many upon many times that I have watched it, I could truly and deeply relate to Mr. Peter Gibbons. I have never had a job before where I felt like that. For this, I consider myself lucky. I have always done something that I was invested in and proud of (ok well, mostly). Until now.

This job was never intended to be anything permanent. And, as Peter G. would say, it's not that I'm lazy. It's just that I'm not motivated. I don't care about reconcilling the assets on an investment account, especially since I am required to spend hours searching for differences that amount to pennies. Added to that, I feel like everyone who works here has a smile drawn on their face. It's boring, it's degrading and it pays next to nothing. Yet I was so excited when I landed it.

Despite all this, I am grateful for something to fill part of my days. Sure I would love to sit around and do nothing ALL THE TIME, but I don't have good cable or DVR anymore and I really need to stop buying books, so I don't have all that much to do in my spare time as it is. And while I adore that school is finally over, I am terrified of having nothing to do, even if I loathed what I had to do before.

AND even with all this, I don't find myself running home to jump on Monster and look for full time gigs that are actually in my field.

And again, it's not because I'm lazy. It's because I'm scared.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Killing me softly

School is over, bitches! I guess this means I'll have more time to blog about meaningless shit that about two of you actually care to read. Aren't you excited, the two of you?

Mr. Husky sent me a message today while I was logged into the bottomless page that is the free dating site. Apparently he blew me off and acted like a retarded person because he "got scared." I'm sorry, but did I ask you to propose marriage to me and then conveniently forget about it? Did I pressure you into meeting my parents? Did I tell you that, Whoops! I've got a bun in the oven!? What a DOUCHE. You are 34 years old and the prospect of even meeting someone face to face, let alone having the courtesy to blow them off with an actual phone call rather than a fucking email, SCARES you? All I can do is roll my eyes and take a sip of my cocktail. I mean really.

In other news, I have been getting messages from some potentially promising suitors. One of them has a fear of mannequins. Awesome!

More to come.

P.S. I hate my job.

Monday, April 25, 2011

I am SO not

Well hello!

I've been getting a handful of complaints that I don't post enough. I have plenty of excuses, but none of them are really all that valid. I am being neglectful.

Here's a message I received last week:

"I think I noticed your eyes first, but you do have lovely eyelashes and a great smile! It sounds like you have a pretty busy schedule, but I'd be interested in chatting and getting to know you better if you feel the same way. Hope to hear from you!


A decent first message but uh...I have it hard to believe this guy's name is really "Zen."

Here is a snippet from his profile:

"I enjoy contracting work, and specialize in restoration, which includes buying and restoring a virtually abandoned 1860's general store with living space above it. This, unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately, lol), was a major factor in ending my marriage. I'm trying to work back into some of the things I left behind along the way, like activism, exercising, and exploring alternative ways of living. I'd also like to learn more about meditation, eating healthier, growing food, and living off the grid."

While maybe this strange comment should make me run very fast the opposite direction, I am otherwise intrigued. What kind of woman was this guy married to? Unless he's housing a brothel in the living space above the general store, I can't quite make the math work. And did she keep him locked in a small, light less room? Why couldn't he participate in something as basic as exercise?

So I messaged him, and told him I am so NOT into living off the grid. I will update if he writes back.

Thursday, April 14, 2011


Oh my. I know I've been gone for a while. Things got busy and complicated and then I just kind of forgot I was writing in my blog again.

The free dating site activity has gone sharply downhill in terms of amusing anectodes. Turns out NE Guy knows a mutual friend and, well, he's trouble that I don't want to get mixed up in. His voice gave me the super creeps anyway.

Today though, I received the following message from username coolperson_pal:

"Hi I was wondering if we could talk sometime and get to know each other hope we can talk soon"

His short profile is written with additional missing puncuation and capitalization. It says he is 20. However, on careful inspection of his profile picture, he looks more like he's 15. Said picture is a very obvious school picture, complete with stiff pose and streaky school photographer backdrop. Then there is his username. Aw honey. Really? It's just so sad.

Monday, April 04, 2011

Cartoon characters

NE Guy slightly redeemed himself over the last week, but I'm still not so sure. And here's why: I talked to him on the phone and his voice was...strange. It doesn't match what he looks like and that kind of disturbed me. I felt like I was talking to him, but his voice was a few octaves higher than it should be. I suppose I shouldn't let this turn me off, but I'm a little weary of meeting him. What if he has some kind of tiny hand or foot? Oh I would die.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Just another pretty face

After a few interesting exchanges with NE Guy, and some better pictures, he told me that he thought I was more than just a pretty face, but maybe he was wrong.

To that I say...Fuck you, NE Guy!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I'm from Brasil

I had to share this profile when I got a message (hello !) from this guy. It's AWESOME. And no, I did not at all edit.

Weell im an out going guy , i was born in Brasil, , i like to go out with friends , watch concerts and movies ... i like sports .. basketball , football and soccer

i work full time , i stil take some classes in college , and thats abt it .. and i also play the bass around ..
i work full time , i stil take some classes in college , and thats abt it .. and i also play the bass around ...
i work full time , i stil take some classes in college , and thats abt it .. and i also play the bass around...
i work full time , i stil take some classes in college , and thats abt it .. and i also play the bass around...
i work full time , i stil take some classes in college , and thats abt it .. and i also play the bass around...
i work full time , i stil take some classes in college , and thats abt it .. and i also play the bass around..
i work full time , i stil take some classes in college , and thats abt it .. and i also play the bass around..
i work full time , i stil take some classes in college , and thats abt it .. and i also play the bass around..
i work full time , i stil take some classes in college , and thats abt it .. and i also play the bass around...
i work full time , i stil take some classes in college , and thats abt it .. and i also play the bass around

im good in manny thing and one of them is be a loyal friend and partner ..

well , usually i talk to everybody , im out going i love being around ppl ,

i love rock and pop rock music .. also like jazz , latin , mpb , and i love italian food .. >

You have no words, do you?

Oh to finally be popular

In the last 24 hours, I've gotten five new messages on the free dating site. Some of them are very short, and yet additional comments about my smile. For god sake's come up with something more original than "amazing smile" or "beautiful smile." It's so generic. Don't get me wrong, compliments are great, but they lose their impact when they are all the same.

One message in particular got my attention. It is from NE Guy and is as follows:

You like lists.......I like dots......

Seeing as how you are the lady I'll give you a list...........

Top 10 reasons you should meet me for a drink in the near future:

10 I'm paying
9 I will make it convenient for you
8 I like the Notebook too
7 I'm a good looking fellow
6 I have a big.........................heart
5 I smile too
4 We both speak english
3 I bet you look good in high heels
2 I know where princeton is
1 No on else is scratching at your door

There's a list for you.............................................................................muah>

Now I don't really know how to react to this. When I first read it, I felt slightly charmed but then on a second read I caught some nuances. Number 7 mentions how good looking he is, which he also mentions in his profile, yet his one provided picture is a head shot with too many shadows to actually tell what he looks like. From what I CAN make out, it's not something to be mentioning a bunch of times. I'm torn on number 6. Obviously it's supposed to be cutesy, but it's also kind of gross. Your first message to me and you're already making dick jokes? Hmmmm. Then there is number one. Wrong! (see first line of this entry for proof). Maybe that is another attempt at him being cute. I also am not crazy about the "muah" at the end. Eeeeh.

So I'm sure I'm picking this apart too much, and he's probably a really nice, single, mutant 43 year old who grossly overuses ellipses and lives in the basement of his mom's house.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

A Husky Exchange


After abruptly logging off last night, Husky sent me the following message:

What are you up to this evening? I know you are busy tomorrow. Sorry [free dating website] was not letting me send u messages. Hope you are well and I miss texting and talking with you!

Hi, I'm Earth, have we met? This guy has to be on something. The IM just happened to breakdown when I asked you a tough question? Really?

To which I replied:

Huh. I'm a little baffled as to what is going on here. I did text you, had texted you about wednesday and heard nothing. Are you married or something? What is your deal?

I mean come on. Between the whole debacle with our first scheduled non date and now this whole complete communication breakdown, this guy has to be hiding something.

To which he replied:

Sorry as I have been in Florida and super busy with burning cds and invoicing schools. I am also sorry for not getting back to you about Wens. I think it fell off my radar when I got back from Florida. I am not married or anything like that ha. I do not have any deal but I will say that it sounds like we are both very busy these days. I understand if you do not want to keep in touch. My hope is that we would and eventually meet up one of these days. Have a great night.

Give me a fucking break. First of all, I am well aware that you were in Florida on business. You only told me twelve times. Secondly, invoicing and burning CDs? Is that 24/7? It doesn't sound particularly taxing. Thirdly, you originally texted me about Wednesday, and at the time went out of your way to say how "open" your week was. And fourth, you understand if I don't want to keep in touch? Any guy that is willing to give up that easy is not the guy for me.

I did not reply to his message, but will soon delete all evidence of him.

If this wasn't happening to me, it would be hilarious.


It's still hilarious.

Friday, March 25, 2011

This shit just gets better and better

So here I am, signed into the sad excuse for an online dating site and whoooo IM's me? You guessed it: the infamous Mr. Husky.

Here is a transcript of our brief conversation:

Mr. Husky: hey hotstuff
Me:uhm hi. I thought you were dead.
Husky:oh really?
Me:ah yeah. we texted about wednesday and then I heard nothing from you. and I sent you a text yesterday and heard nothing.
Husky:you did? hmmmm......i was around in the office
Me:I just get the feeling you don't really want to meet me

After that last comment from yours truly, he signed off.

There is something strange going on here. I still think he's just mildly retarded. Buuut it could be a wife, a poor sense of self, webbed feet, receding hairline, missing side tooth...I don't know. What I do know is that I am D-O-N-E with this particular hunk of man.

Over before it even started. I suppose I should not be startled that sketch balls are using a free online dating site. Ah well.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

No. I will not make out with you.

Mr. Husky texted me on Monday to ask me my plans for the week. I responded that I was busy, but could possibly make room on Wednesday night (that's tonight for everyone following along) if he were willing to drive to Worcester. In case I haven't mentioned it before, Mr. Husky resides in the 413 area code. Eeeesh.

Anyway, I never heard back from him. Not yesterday, not today, not at all.

Maybe what everyone says about Western Mass is true: It is populated with retarded people. I don't know if he's just an airhead or a little stupid or just a very busy person, but I've just about lost all of my patience.

So go on with your bad self, you Husky man, but please, oh please, do not ask me to participate.

At least it's not heroin

I am exceedingly sleepy this morning. Coffee and candy are essential.

Last night, I received the following message:

"would you date a married guy?"

The sender has a marginal profile set up, no pictures or anything. The only info that is up is that he is 49 and married. I need someone to help me understand why a married man is on an online dating website. I suppose that some women wouldn't mind dating a married man but I cannot imagine it. Talk about a dead end relationship. You fall in love and you find yourself just hoping listlessly for the day when he leaves his wife for you. And that day never comes and all of a sudden you realize you've wasted 2 years of your life with a man who will never fully be yours. But you can't leave him because you feel as though you've invested too much time and energy.

MAN that's depressing.

I wasn't going to respond, but I couldn't resist. So I responded with "No. Never."

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

My name is Turquoise

Some days, I struggle to keep busy at work. I'll chat on Gmail or play with my new phone on the sly. Maybe I'll refile things I've already filed, or perhaps recheck action items that I know for a fact will still not be done. Other days, it's nonstop and I struggle to finish in time to leave. Guess which kind of day today is.

The current crisis is a non working fax machine. Why we still fax things is beyond me. The IT department seems to agree and took our fax offline to set up an efax system, which isn't up and running yet. Regardless, I need a way to fax things. It's what I spend a large part of my time doing. If that's streamlined, I'm fucked.

Also a current crisis is the fact that I have all of the company's calendars and inboxes in my email public folders. Someone in the IT department did an oops.

Manly Man has told me that he doesn't like communicating by email and that I should call him. It has been confirmed that he does not own a Jeep, but the turkey picture, wood splitting and dog owning still apply. Since I don't get cell phone reception at my house, this chatting on the phone business is challenging. But in addition, I don't really want to in most cases. This case isn't different.

Mr. Husky texted me yesterday asking about my plans for this week. I told him I could possibly do something on Wednesday IF he could drive more out my way (he lives in Westachusetts), but have not heard back in over 24 hours. I think I'm e-dating a retarded person.

I've got a couple new messages that I haven't had a chance to look at, but if they're gems, I'll eventually post them here. If I can figure out Monique a bit more, I may even be able to blog on her. Goody for you!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

I will call her...Monique

Someone got a new smart phone. Yes yes it's me! Her name is Monique and she's beautiful. Now to figure out how to use her to her fullest potential. Hmmm.

I got the following message today from a new online friend I will call Manly Man:

"Manly Man here and I wanted to say hello after seeing your "sly" profile photo (it is making me smile), good match percentage and your outlook/words.

I am a single responsible guy who enjoys a laugh and good meal and good friends.

What did you do over the weekend? How is school going?

Nice to meet you,
Manly Man"

This guy 1. has a very cute dog 2. chops his own wood and 3. features a picture of a fried turkey wrapped in bacon in his profile pictures.

This shows promise.

If he owns a Jeep and goes off roading, sign me up. I'll keep you posted.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


Today was not a good day. But tomorrow is another day.

I'm not going to write much, as I feel like shit warmed over, but I did get this message today that needed to be shared.

"Bewitching smile... what are your zodiac and chinese signs?"

Do I even need to...I'm so tired...

He's 5'7".

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

YOU are the CEO of YOUR Life

There is a man named Lance who works a few rows down from me here in the ole office. He never seems to be at his desk, but when I have seen him I've noticed that he is...diminutive. That must by why he not only possesses a sign that designates him as the CEO of his own life, but insists on hanging up the sign for all to see. It was suggested to me that I find excuses to speak with Lance, in order to find more out about what must be his fascinating character. However, the only reasons I have to walk down towards his desk are to 1. Put paper in the shredding bin and 2. Put mail in the slot to be sent out. I do both of these things very rarely. So I need to find out exactly what he does and see what I can do to ascertain more of his elusive character.

For now I will just say "Lance, You Go Girl!"

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Short stack

First, why would you want to message me if you a male under 5'8"? Whhyyyy?

Second, I got the following message, and I'm not sure whether or not I want to respond:


It's very nice to meet you, my name's Matthew. I'm a thirty year old man, living in the Florence section of Northampton. I'm new to this site, and to be honest, i'm not sure what to write in a mail to someone I have never met before. haha. Yet, I will say this.. I read your profile, and you seem like a very interesting woman, and if i may say so, you're wicked cute. haha.

A bit about myself, as I said, I'm thirty. I recently have changed jobs, which has been great. Yet, to be honest, i'm still trying to figure out, some things. Life, for most people, is an ongoing journey, of self reflection, and improvement. I am no exception to this. Now i have to decide, between two choices.. I have narrowed it down! Huzzah! haha. I plan on going back to school for computer programing, Social work, or possibly a career in early education. It's a tough call. But, till then, a kick ass job, with benefits is o-k for now. haha.

So.. I feel like i just rambled on, way.... too... much there.. so i will leave it at this. If you wanna get to know, a fun loving, charming, spontaneous, goofy as hell man, then you should totally mail me back. I hope to hear from you.

Take care,"

He's 5'8". How have things been "narrowed down" if it's between computers, social work or education? And why does everyone use the word "interesting" to describe my profile? Do I need to start handing out thesaurases?

He overuses the word "wicked" and has almost every super hero movie listed under his favorites. I like a superhero movie just as much as the next girl, but Batman Begins? Survey

Saturday, March 12, 2011

NOT Cool

I was supposed to have a date tonight. Don't worry, it's not with anyone I have mentioned here so far. I didn't mention it here because I didn't want to make a big deal about it. But now I do.

Mr. Husky and I were supposed to meet up at a bar at 6pm. I had mentioned I would be coming straight from school, then a family function, so would meet up with him then. He had asked me last night to call him when I got out of school to check in and confirm we were still on. That I did. I also asked him to call me back know...confirm that we were still on. That was at 245 today. At 430, having not heard back from him, I sent an inquisitive text message reading "We're good, right? Let me know." No response. At 5, I called him again and there was no answer. At 515, I call a friend and asked what I should do. Should I just show up at the agreed upon place and hope for the best? Should I try to keep calling? She offers to check my email, since I am behind the times and don't have email access on my phone. But I'm thinking to myself...who would email but not call? Not text? Or not answer calls from someone you had plans with? But guess what? He emailed me at noon today, the following message:

"Okay, so I am not able to meet up with you later today and feel awful. My father has all these things he wants me to do before our trip tomorrow and if I take off for the evening they really will not get done. I am bummed out as I was already planning what to wear etc. Ha silly me. I guess it might be best as you will probably need some rest and I would rather see you when we both do not have things going on.

Anyways, I hope to chat with you at least at some point today and again i am very sorry. Can we make a date for when I get back?

Mr. Huskey"

There are many things I have issue with. I'll list them.

1. Again, why would you not call me to tell me this?
2. I don't think I like your Dad. If he knew you had a date, why wouldn't he give you a pass and do whatever it is himself?
3. Yes, silly you. What?
4. I had already mentioned to him MULTIPLE times, that I was fine with hanging out tonight, even though I had a busy day and might be a bit tired. It's called coffee. Why will he not give it a rest?
5. If he really felt so bad about it, and wanted to chat with me today, WHY DIDN'T HE PICK UP HIS FUCKING PHONE?


Thursday, March 10, 2011

Quick Question

How does a guy who is 5'5" and blatantly missing a front tooth expect me to be interested in him? I can't imagine how he would...even after I told him that I hated his topless picture...and told him to put clothes on...

Or maybe I'm just a superficial bitch?

I guess that's two questions.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Bono should be launched into the universe

Oh my goodness.

The messages from potential suitors have slowed down a bit, which makes me sad, but only because it adds a bit of humor to what amounts to my daily existence.

This message came to me today:
"Hey there :) wanna chat? I would appreciate an answer even if negative."

Would you? Would you really appreciate my answer even if negative? Because this is what it would say: "I make it a personal rule not to message with men who 1. Are shirtless in any of their photos (count:1) and 2. Have sat outside a stadium awaiting the beginning of a U2 concert."

I would find all of this so daunting if it weren't oh so entertaining.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Don't write your dating profile on your phone

Just don't.

I know I'm on a free site, and I shouldn't expect much, but it isn't hard to know that "great" is not spelled "geat" and it wouldn't hurt to capitalize letters at the beginning of your sentences. You are a grown man. And no, failing to spell correctly or use proper capitalization does not make you more intriguing, I don't care if you're an "artist."

It's been a little over a week and there have been few prospects. There was 6 foot Asian guy who immediately asked for my phone number because "instant communication is just a better way to get to know someone of the opposite sex." Excuse me? No.

Then there was the open marriage guy, and just today is the guy asking me about trampolines, who has no shirt and is laying down seductively (or he thinks so) in his profile picture. I wrote him back and told him to put a shirt on.

Then then there is the "polyamorous" guy. Aren't most men poly amorous...or they wish they could be? Thank you for stating the obvious and YES I am very busy and you are interrupting my hectic schedule. Go away.

muffin tops and black thumbs

My job now is with a third party administrative business doing low level administrative work...with lots of numbers. So much numerical data entry that my eyes start to bleed. I don't want to say it's "below" me, buuuut it can get pretty boring. However, it was the only thing I could find part-time. I think I'm already really skilled at looking like I'm doing something when I'm really not. Consider it a stepping stone for when I graduate stupid school and figure out what the hell I'm doing.

ANYWAY. My first day of work my co workers gave me a small, potted, flowering plant and a card to welcome me. Very sweet, yes? Unfortunately, I'm slowly killing it. First all the flowers fell off, then the leaves started turning brown. I'm not sure if I'm overwatering it or underwatering it or what, but it's pretty much dead. What will they think of me?

Also, after trying on about 50 pairs of dress pants within the last month, I had finally found a pair that fit me last weekend. When I went to put them on this morning, they were already too big. I know this isn't something I should really be complaining about but COME on. So I'm wearing a belt, which is giving me a small but relatively noticeable muffin top.

I am ready for today to be over. My bed and my book are constantly calling my name.

Monday, March 07, 2011

One day, three posts

The hopeless sad sack from today's first post has written me back...with more questions. I don't have the energy to reply at the moment, but if the mood strikes me I might. Where does he hail from, you ask? Well only Australia!

If I wasn't exploiting his awkwardness purely for my entertainment, I might feel sorry for him.

Here it is, in all its glory:

"Thank you so much! You’re a total angel ☺

Haha. I really am from Australia, but please don’t let me ruin your image of the country or its inhabitants. For what it’s worth, I don’t fit in here either. I was just asking for the opinions of any pretty girls who showed up on my ‘Matches’ list that were online at the time.

When other guys have approached you successfully, what did they start talking about, or what about the conversation impressed you enough to take things further? And can you think of any better places to meet guys than in bars?

Hmm. I’m sort of ‘Michael Cera awkward’, except I look like an actual man. I was starting to think that if I faked my own confidence long enough, I might start to believe it myself…

Haha. I’m definitely getting the impression women are judging men as potential marriage partners and fathers almost from the moment they meet…

I have one female friend who feels comfortable enough to tell me about all of her encounters, and I wouldn’t be asking you if she didn’t tell me. One of them was, by her estimation, nine and a half inches. I guess I was just curious how common that is, if that’s what I’m up against with every girl or something. I know it’s ridiculous, but all guys want to be the biggest and the best, you know?

What do you really want from your guy friends – a brother figure and protector, or a girl without the emotions? Ever summon them for advice? Ever cry to them? Do you talk to them on the phone a lot? Or are they strictly for in-person use?

Thanks so much for your honesty. It all seems so much easier when written down…"

Now you may be asking yourself, self: "Really?!"

I am here to say yes. Yes. Really.

Excuse me?

MAN the freaks are coming out of the woodwork.

Another message today:
"How's it going?

You seem to be a cool and interesting person that is a rare find in the maelstrom of the internet, so I thought I would send you an initial greeting. I'd like the opportunity to know more about you. I am sorry if this catches you at a bad time, and adds to the possible deluge of emails.

A little bit on me: I live in Manchester, CT and work as an IT operations specialist (computer networks/servers) for a fortune500 in Downtown Hartford. I strive to keep my interests diverse though mostly tend to focus on movies, reading, music, science/technology, history, theatre, and socializing with friends (more is in my profile of course). Kind of jack of most trades and master of none in a way. I also want to be clear that I am Polyamorous, as I have come to find that tends to be a dealbreaker for some people, even for friendships. I am primarily looking for friends and friends with benefits (as any potential for more is very rare and yet a welcome find when it happens).

Overall, I am an open person, so if there is anything you would like to know, just ask. Feel free to take your time in responding (at your convenience)

Hope to hear back from you soon."

Ah no, you will not hear back from me soon. Besides the obvious...what is this about a message catching me at "a bad time." How is that possible? I don't even know what that means.

He must be friends with the guy who told me he was in an open marriage.

I'm unsure why the freaks are coming out to play with me, but it's pretty damn entertaining. It must be because the site is free, or maybe because my favorite movie is listed as Swingers. Hmmm.

I'm baaaaack

To my potential three readers: Thanks for holding on.

So much has happened since I last wrote, but it's all pretty boring and not really worth a mention. What IS worth a mention is that I am back to online dating. I know, I know. AGAIN? Oh yes. And so far, I've gotten some pretty great messages.

For my inaugural return, here is a selected message for your reading pleasure:

"Quick disclaimer: In case you couldn’t already tell, I’m basically an
idiot, especially when it comes to women. Hence the questions…

I guess I’m curious about:
1 – How on earth am I supposed to introduce myself to a girl without
it being a completely humiliating and regrettable experience,
especially in a bar? What’s an opening that is likely to hold your
attention – interesting without being corny?
2 – Is there any chance whatsoever that a girl could be seriously
interested in, or attracted to, a guy who is openly awkward around
women? Or is feigned confidence the way to go?
3 – How important is a guy’s job or work ambitions to you?
4 – How big was the biggest, um, erm, ‘guy’ you or your friends have
actually seen or dealt with in person? (Long story why I’m asking...)
5 – What do you like doing with your mutual, non-romantic male friends?
6 – To what extent is mystery important in a guy? Are guys who reveal
almost nothing about themselves likely to hold your interest for long?
7 – Do girls essentially prefer being the more mature and controlling
person in the relationship, or do they prefer a guy who ‘knows what he
wants’ and all that?"

There aren't words really. My favorite is number four. I actually wrote this poor sad sack back, answering his questions as best I could, and will post if there is another reply.