Tuesday, July 05, 2011

I think you need a Bro, bro (Part I)

I'm not even sure where to start. Some of you who read this might not believe it, but please trust me when I tell you it is 100% true. I could not, in a million years, make this shit up.

So, you have a little background on AM. Dramatic, needy, financial mess, but I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. He was very nice to me and complimented me a lot. What girl isn't a sucker for that?

This past Friday night, when things were progressing to the "next level," I made a shocking discovery about AM.

Some background: AM had told me one day a couple weeks back that he had a big secret and he was afraid that if he told me I would never speak to him again. I was thinking...felony, STD, etc. etc. Then he tells me he has a condition called gynecomastia. I dare you to look it up on Wikipedia. Put simply, this means man boobs, or moobs, or mitts (man tits). Now I didn't think much of it, besides the way he told me being unnecessarily dramatic. I can think of plenty of guys that I have dated that had a bit of an A cup. AM isn't fat, but he has a little extra on him, and I thought he was just self conscious about it and found a name to put to it. I moved on, and didn't ask questions.

Fast forward to this past Friday night. He had his shirt on, and I had my arm all the way around him so that my hand was on his side, under his armpit. While there, I felt something...foreign. At first I thought it had been my imagination, but then I moved my hand over than area again. Definitely something there. So I asked him "What is that?" and he got very defensive and said "I TOLD you, it's my PROBLEM" and I said "Yes, I know but what IS that" and he said, quite simply: "It's duct tape."

It was a good thing it was dark in the room because I must have had the most shocked look of ALL TIME on my face. Uhm...what? Excuse me? I didn't know what to say so I paused a second and then said "Oh that's intense" to which he replied "It's the only think that works."

I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I stayed around for half an hour or so to not make it too obvious but then I bolted. Even if he was the greatest guy in the world and we had tons of chemistry, I don't think I could have participated in that. As it was, he was NOT the greatest guy in the world and we had pretty much no chemistry.

So then I had to come up with what I was going to tell him as to why I couldn't see him anymore. It had to be something simple, perhaps a slight lie but not so much of a lie that I would feel like an asshole. And I had to do the right thing and call him on the phone to do it.

Continue to the next post for the stunning conclusion.

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