Sunday, April 27, 2008


I partied last night. I didn't go to bed drunk, and I didn't really FEEL out of control drunk throughout the evening, yet I am still hung over today. I've been nauseous all day, and haven't left the house. Oh the indecency!

But I had a FANTASTIC time, probably the most fun I've had in quite some time. The difference between last weekend and this weekend is very different and for a couple of reasons.

I told one of the owners at the crazy farm where I work that I was "thinking about the direction I wanted to go in" i.e. IF I wanted to stay employed where I am. It's not so important that she know I already made the decision. What matters is that I handled myself really well and her reaction was very reasonable. I'm fairly certain that's because she wants to be rid of me anyway. At the end of our hour and a half long discussion, during which I really needed a shovel for all the bullshit I was hearing, I felt both relieved and dirty. I was fake, I lied through my teeth and I pretended I didn't want to reach across the table and slap her.

No bridges were burned and I remained composed. Good for me...

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Get out the blazers and high heels

Hmmmm pudding...

Oh sorry.

It's interview time!

I went to a staffing group today that specializes in my particular brand of professionalism. They seem to want to work for me. I'll make an appointment with another. There seems to be an upswing in interest in me (ok, I was hungry for any interest at all), which is good because, as you may have read in a few posts back, I was feeling very much rejected, in multiple ways.

But it's never taken me long to bounce back. This time is no different. I'll keep you updated on the job search.

(Hmmm David Cook...I'm SO happy they fixed his hair. Paper bag no longer needed.)

Glamour Puss

Andrew Lloyd Webber. Hmmm...He looks like a toad. However, he uttered a phrase I had forgotten I loved and that is "Glamour Puss." So worth it, just for that.

Obviously I'm watching Idol from last night.

And I've concluded, although I already knew, that Broadway is hard to sing. It makes me have a bit more respect for Johnny Depp, Madonna, all the people in Hairspray..etc. etc. You get my point.

I'm only half way through and yet to see He Who Is Most Utterly Fuckable, so I'm not really paying attention. Everyone has bit it so far as far as I'm concerned.

Brooke? I don't like her. She restarted the song. Big no no. Even I know that.

Blah...they are all dead to me. Except one.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

I just got a little excited

I found a Senior Recruiter job posted on Monster for a creative firm. This is a job I'm perfect for. Here's hoping that I get a phone call.

The bad news: I think it's in Rhode Island. Waaah Waaaa.

puffy eyes

For a couple of months now, I think the fall out from dating and a bad job has gained some serious negative momentum, which all was leading up to what happened yesterday.

Friday night, I put a voice mail into 30 something Match. I was sick of waiting to hear from him and wondering what the fuck his deal was. I thought he liked me, I definitely liked him. Friday night I also went on a "date" which, due to all fault of my own, ended awkwardly. I feel terrible about it, because I think I may have sent out a vibe as confused as I was. I was exhausted and didn't know what to do with myself besides takes action. So I made the call to 30 something.

Hindsight, as always, is 20/20. The signs were there that 30 something Match just wasn't that into me, or dating in general, even before we went out on our first date. I shouldn't be shocked that the return call ended in the realization that I would not see 30 something Match again. Yet, it still knocked the wind right out of my already limp sails (hooray for forced metaphors).

After a hellish couple of weeks at work, and doing everything I could to hold my shit together, I broke down...and in a fucking nail salon. The phone call, while not the entire reason, was certainly part of the reason, and definitely a catalyst. AC, bless her heart, was there to tell me that it was OK to just leave and lose it. And that's exactly what I did. I curled up on my couch, sobbing fetal style, and wished, more than anything, I could call my mommy. Because in the end, my deep desire to just be loved is what my insecurity and fear of rejection all boils down to. I look at every guy and every date to save me from myself...and that is so completely fucked up. I'm still searching for unconditional love in all the wrong places.

I just deactivated my Match account, turned off all email alerts and made my profile private. Until my account is truly expired at the end of May, I should have taken care of any temptations in the mean time.

I can't do this anymore. I can't keep putting myself out there to look for something that is too much to ask from an intimate relationship. Yesterday was yet another lesson in this, and I think it's finally sunk in. I need to figure out what makes me happy and be secure in myself before I try to find happiness in someone else. Doing it any other way will just lead to more of me eating girl scout cookies on my couch and blubbering off and on with all my shades drawn, while it is a gorgeous day outside.

While I feel good about my decision and I know it's the right thing to do, the loneliness is hitting me harder than ever. I am scared shitless.

To some of you, this all may sound a bit doom and gloom...even unnecessarily melodramatic. But my intention is not for anyone who reads to worry.

I'll be ok. Just give me a couple days in my pajamas watching bad reality TV and even worse romantic comedies, while simultaneously trying to find a new job, and I should be right as rain.

Dating and men are OFF the table until I get my shit together. And this time I mean it.

Friday, April 18, 2008

I just can't wait

Still no call from 30 something Match man. I know you were all curious. I re-read my last post and apparently it was a bit confusing to some. Hrmmm. My apologies.

I'm all whatever about it, you know? If it's not meant to be it's...not.

In other news, I have Monday off and this particular Friday cannot go by fast enough. I have lots to keep me busy so I'm about to get to it...and do it to it.

Hugs and all that...

Thursday, April 17, 2008


Work totally ROTS. My boss resigned yesterday and he's pretty much the best thing I've got going here. I hope it's the beginning of the end for me. Now I am slated with the task of having to find his replacement. Awkward!

I wasn't expecting to hear from 30 something Match last night, as our date was less than 24 hours previous. But I won't lie...I was hoping I would hear from him. But there's the rub (thank you, Pessimist Prime, for reminding me how absolutely versatile this saying is): Hope and Expectations in this brain of mine seem to be one in the same. I already know one of his hesitations: his schedule and my schedule don't mesh so much. He is up all hours of the night doing whatever he does. But I'm not about to feel bad about going to bed at 10pm (or earlier) when I have to get up at 530 during the week. Will I be flexible on this? Sure...but only if I get the same amount of willingness in return. That's the way it should work and, despite my loneliness on the male companionship front, I will not be that girl who gives and gives and gives and GIVES and gets so little in return. I would rather be alone than have my head fucked with like that again.

Amen and Hallelujah to THAT!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


After some serious reservations with going on a date with 30 something Match guy, we did meet up last night. He picked me up at his CAR. Granted, it's a shitbox, but it's still a car.

He's spacey and loses track what day it is. He is in no way a linear thinker. I'm pretty sure he's not so great with money. He's a perpetual student.

He's smart, interesting, wonderfully strange, funny, witty and above all, cute as hell.

What is a girl to do...but wait to see if he calls.

Monday, April 14, 2008

young as you feel

My new temp told me a few different times today how young I look. I think she was expecting some stuck up manager type...surprise! I told her compliments would get her everywhere.'s more and more apparent to me that I AM still very young. I may feel old and tired and...OLD but I'm not. Hooray!

But speaking of my look, I seriously need some new and better pictures of me on Match. Photo shoot!!

complete insanity

I need to be brief. Today is crazy.

I spent most of the weekend stressing about how today would go. All in all, it wasn't too bad. It went by very fast, which is all a girl can hope for.

The walls seems to be crumbling down around me here at the ole office and I am proud to say that when worse comes to worse, I've been the rock. For a while there, I may have forgotten, however briefly, just how tough I am.

30 something Match has been completely MIA since I spoke with him a week ago. We had made plans to go out tomorrow (Tuesday) night but I am beginning to think I've been blown off.

Instead of feeling sorry for myself and using the phrase "die alone" in a sentence, it's safe to say this happened for a reason.

I should really be focusing 100% on the following things (in no particular order):

1. Finding a new, fabulous, amazing and high paying job in a recession
2. GO TO THE FUCKING GYM more than once a week
3. Think about loooooooooong hair
4. Nesting at home
5. The wonder that is DVR
6. Reading more...books, magazines, whatever
7. Figuring out why I break out like I never did in high school
8. Staying better in touch with friends and family
9. Get a hobby
10. Have more fun
11. Save more money
12. Volunteer time and money much MUCH more to worthy causes
13. Find the perfect mascara
14. Stop avoiding Sudoku. Everyone's doing it...
15. Crosswords!


I'm just going crazy now.

Love to all.

Friday, April 11, 2008


So I'm home on a Friday night, looking for a new job. I don't know whether that's sad or ambitious. Maybe a little bit of both.

Unfortunately, it seems to be slim pickings, which makes me very, very nervous. I think just one phone call or email back to show some interest in my resume would make me feel a little better, even if it is for something waaaay lame. At least then I know someone is reading it.

It's a bit strange because it's never been difficult for me to find a new job. Does that sound arrogant? Forgive me...

All of a sudden, it's a challenge and it's completely freaking me out. Any thoughts of sticking it to my current employers before finding another j-o-b have very quickly left me. I need to keep what I have so that I don't lose my cushy pad. I don't have nearly enough money saved to live off for for any extended period of time. No way am I wracking up the credit card debt after just paying it all off. I have to stop being silly.

In other news, Match seems to be just dead weight. Focus moves 100% to career.

Everyone is taking crazy pills...again

So I have this temp. She's nice enough, does a decent job. But turns out she's TOTALLY insane. Like whoa. But I'm getting someone new in here on Monday.

Also, topping today's list of annoyances:
When you tell another person say you heard someone else say something, and that is all you heard. And then they keep asking you questions about this situation, even though you have already made clear that you only know certain details about said situation, all of which you have already told them.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

A comment on comments

It has been pointed out to me that making comments on my postings is a tad challenging. I really do apologize, but it is the only way. This shit is free, after all.

Keep at it...I know you don't have anything better to do.



I am sorry I've been so cranky lately. Work is obviously getting me and turning me into a super bitch.

I called in to work today and have slept most of the day away. I need to go to the gym and look for a new job. I need to stop whining.

Two dear friends, in their own unique ways, recently reminded that shit isn't so bad. In fact, things are pretty fucking good.

In addition, 30 something Match guy, previously mentioned, had not called because, in short, I'm a complete idiot. Luckily, he emailed and I've since cleared the air.

He's a busy little bee, so we can't meet until early next week. I'll keep you updated, of course.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008


Yes, I have a boss man here. He's nice, a father figure type. He gets on my nerves from time to time with his high and mighty tendencies but overall, he's a good dude.

I went into his office today and got a talk to about how I need to be applying for jobs everyday to get out of here, stop feeling sorry for myself and do something about it. It was a good little chat.

Neither my mood or physical condition have improved from yesterday. If anything, both have gotten worse. So I'm doing my best to put my head down and get things done and waiting for the day to end.

New 30 something Match guy has not returned my call from Saturday night, so I'm already counting him for dead. Don't email me and call me and say you want to go out to dinner with me and then NOT return my call. LAAAAAAAME. Maybe he's just busy, you say? Well if he's too busy to call me, he's too busy to date me. Oh...and I cancelled my Match account again. Isn't it a wonderful rollercoaster ride?

OH BY THE WAY...I went through all the trouble of re-activating the comments feature and no one has fucking commented. Start it up, or I'm turning it off again. That's not a threat, that's a PROMISE.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Misery...although not entirely

Warning: If you are a bit queasy or scared of TMI (that's "too much information" for those of you not in the know), you may not want to read today's post. I'm not holding back.

First off, I have a RAGING yeast infection. I haven't had one in quite some time and it's really coming at me with a vengeance. I am so miserable and I know I have a "my crotch really itches but I can't itch it so I am going to whince and scrunch up my face in hopes that it helps with the pain and agony" look on my face. Those who are observant may have already noticed. There is only so much some special cream and frequent trips to the ladies room can do for me right now.

Secondly, a new Match crush may have fizzled out before it started. I hate being the last one to leave a voice mail. I hate the game. I haven't even met this guy yet but I have already started to like him. As in...I'm actually excited to go out on a date with him and meet him, rather than dreading it. He seems very busy (going to school and working) and I'm unsure if he really has the time to date. I like lots of attention, after all. Who knows...I guess only time will tell. Stats: early 30's, designer, lives in Boston, originally from the South.

In other news...I got a $185 haircut yesterday for $50. I'm not sure how much different a haircut that expensive is from say a $30 haircut...I'll let you know as it grows out.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

A new favorite thing


This little lady is very excited

I recently found out that one of my nearest and dearest friends is making her way back to the east coast (after being on the west coast for over two years!)this summer. This thrills and excites me to no end. I miss her dearly and cannot wait to have her a mere 8 hour car ride away. Hooray!

In other's 8:30am and I have a severe lack of motivation. What will get me through the next two days will be the decadent thought of sleeping as late as I want on Saturday. Oh joyous day!

I am very sleepy and must have more coffee.

And I've scratched my leg on my desk...again. :(

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Jesus and Gravity

Oh it makes me sad to write this.

I'm not a girl to say a bad word about the legend and wonder that is Dolly Parton.
She's the 8th World Wonder. She wouldn't say a bad word about anyone and is the sweetest woman I think in the entire world. And...she's the same size as Ryan with heels on.

However, my girl Dolly isn't sounding great tonight.

Good thing I'm already going to hell, right?

When is someone taking me to Dollywood?

In Match news, another architect wrote to me. I bet he still lives with mommy and daddy, too.

drama mama

Lately, I find myself in high drama situations. Mostly at work.

Because I'm allergic to drama and hate it and avoid it at all costs, it drains me to the point of exhaustion when I'm forced to deal with it, unnecessary and copious amounts of it, everyday.

That leaves little space for my own drama, or the drama of those I love. But I don't have the room for more.

While I'm not in the business of blogging much too much about work, I really can't help it. I'm not naming names, so I think it will be ok.

It will be will be will be ok...

Oh! Sorry...


I work for some strange people who are highly intelligent, but completely socially retarded. On a daily basis, I find myself butting heads with them because they don't even realize they lack social graces. That, and they are ridiculously petty and I think this is because deep down, they are hugely insecure.

I know I tend to psycho-analyze...but usually if I spend enough time with someone, I can get it right on the money.

Attention hog who is a a bit (or more) immature? Probably the youngest child in a 3+ child family. Check.

Nit picker who always find faults in everyone else but never in themselves? Deeply insecure, self involved and usually shallow (tends to be female and sometimes overweight/homely). Check.

Socially awkward, rude, arrogant, interrupting type? Most likely bullied when they were a child for being a nerd and now plays his personal vendetta out in his professional life. Check.

I'm not always right, but I'm usually close. When I think about trying to psycho analyze myself, that is...if I didn't err know gets harder.

I am a bit insecure, but not necessarily catty or arrogant. I am however stubborn and usually try to make people see things my way. I'm the youngest child, but also the only child, so that may make me a bit of an attention hog (true on some occasions) and definitely makes me a smart ass, although I prefer the term "sassy" which may fall into the same category as sarcastic and semi petty.

So maybe it does work on me, too. HA!

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Why can't some girls be boys?

I've posted an email from AC below, who I often wish was a boy I could date, but I understand that some of you may need some back story.

Do all of you remember when I dated the postal worker? I'm not even sure I ever wrote about it. At any rate...I did, he kind of sort of dumped me, and is now dating some skanky whore. I haven't seen him in over a year, since he started dating her BEFORE he broke up with me.

At any precious AC is soon to have a birthday and aforementioned postal man (and said skanky whore) will be in attendance. I told her I was a bit hesitant to attend, as I don't want to feel like the "single loser." She had this to say:

Feel like a loser in front of those two?


Get your shit together and think about what you just said.

Those two idiots deserve each other and you should be happy you got out of it when you did. They might not even come. She is hating me again.

You are infinitely better then him and she is not even remotely comparable.


Isn't she darling?

Back by popular demand

Loyal readers,
I've re-enabled my comments feature. You'll to be subject to word verification and my review of your comment before it's posted, but this will greatly reduce spam comments on my end, which is why I disabled the comments feature in the first place.

So...comment away. You know the narcissist in me loves the attention.

Big love,

p.s. Big shout out to Pessimist Prime. If anything, I'm inspirational.