Sunday, April 20, 2008

puffy eyes

For a couple of months now, I think the fall out from dating and a bad job has gained some serious negative momentum, which all was leading up to what happened yesterday.

Friday night, I put a voice mail into 30 something Match. I was sick of waiting to hear from him and wondering what the fuck his deal was. I thought he liked me, I definitely liked him. Friday night I also went on a "date" which, due to all fault of my own, ended awkwardly. I feel terrible about it, because I think I may have sent out a vibe as confused as I was. I was exhausted and didn't know what to do with myself besides takes action. So I made the call to 30 something.

Hindsight, as always, is 20/20. The signs were there that 30 something Match just wasn't that into me, or dating in general, even before we went out on our first date. I shouldn't be shocked that the return call ended in the realization that I would not see 30 something Match again. Yet, it still knocked the wind right out of my already limp sails (hooray for forced metaphors).

After a hellish couple of weeks at work, and doing everything I could to hold my shit together, I broke down...and in a fucking nail salon. The phone call, while not the entire reason, was certainly part of the reason, and definitely a catalyst. AC, bless her heart, was there to tell me that it was OK to just leave and lose it. And that's exactly what I did. I curled up on my couch, sobbing fetal style, and wished, more than anything, I could call my mommy. Because in the end, my deep desire to just be loved is what my insecurity and fear of rejection all boils down to. I look at every guy and every date to save me from myself...and that is so completely fucked up. I'm still searching for unconditional love in all the wrong places.

I just deactivated my Match account, turned off all email alerts and made my profile private. Until my account is truly expired at the end of May, I should have taken care of any temptations in the mean time.

I can't do this anymore. I can't keep putting myself out there to look for something that is too much to ask from an intimate relationship. Yesterday was yet another lesson in this, and I think it's finally sunk in. I need to figure out what makes me happy and be secure in myself before I try to find happiness in someone else. Doing it any other way will just lead to more of me eating girl scout cookies on my couch and blubbering off and on with all my shades drawn, while it is a gorgeous day outside.

While I feel good about my decision and I know it's the right thing to do, the loneliness is hitting me harder than ever. I am scared shitless.

To some of you, this all may sound a bit doom and gloom...even unnecessarily melodramatic. But my intention is not for anyone who reads to worry.

I'll be ok. Just give me a couple days in my pajamas watching bad reality TV and even worse romantic comedies, while simultaneously trying to find a new job, and I should be right as rain.

Dating and men are OFF the table until I get my shit together. And this time I mean it.


Donald said...

I heart you Steph. Not because you are in dire times or because I feel sorry for you, but because you are wonderful. And the feeling is unconditional. Loves, d

Steph said...

Thanks Donald. I heart you, too.