Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Now I'm pissed

Sigh. You'll have to forgive me if I start repeating myself.

Since Mike dropped the bomb on me yesterday, I'm pretty sad about it. But I'm also pissed. What the hell? I'm not going to lie, either. I feel a little silly. I knew him for a week. Period. I mean, how attached could I possibly have been? As much as I tell myself that it is certainly for the best, it just doesn't make it any easier. I really liked this one. I liked him more than anyone I've met in the last year and a half.

And while I want a sweet, sensitive guy, I think Mike is a little too sensitive. If I heard him utter the words "broken heart" one more time, I was going to reach across the table and shake him.

He doesn't know what he wants. I know what I want. And I should celebrate this.

It wouldn't work.

I'm really happy with how I handled myself, especially for someone who is in the middle of an annoying Monday. I could have freaked out and thrown water and/or food in his face. I could have lost my appetite (oh no this girl ATE her salad). I could have cried hysterically before leaving (no, I did that after). I could have hit him. Punched him. Told him that he's a coward and a fake.

But I didn't. I remained calm, collected and showed only some vulnerability (I'm human). I held it together until my back was to him. I held it together long enough to tell him to let me know if he changes his mind. I even managed a kiss on the lips and an arm rub. I accepted his humble apology for being an ass. I (kind of) kept a straight face when he asked me if I would be OK.

I don't want to sit here and say I hope I hear from him again. Nor do I want to say that I think I'll hear from him again. I don't even know if it's a hope of mine. Maybe he'll think of me when he feels like he has his shit together. Maybe not. Maybe he will never get his shit together. His history with relationships isn't the only thing he's confused about. My dear friends tell me I'll hear from him when I've turned him into yet another distant blunder memory. Let's just say I haven't deleted him from my phone yet. But it's so easy...and I did delete the pictures.

And I'm not waiting around.

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