Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Julie Andrews would be so proud

I didn't want to post so much, only because I don't want it to be some depressing, dark, damaged entry about how my life just keeps sucking.

I'll try really hard to put a positive spin on it, just for you. Or not. Let's see what we get.

Perhaps I need to learn to accept that this is IT, this is the hand that I've been dealt and, for better or worse, I need to suck it up and deal with it. After all, I have medication to manage my freak outs and a variety of wonderful friends and family who are relentless in their support (Positive Spin #1).

For those of you who I haven't chatted with in some time: I do apologize. When I get like this, I tend to shut down and not want to say much to anyone (phone, text, email, you name it). It's my coping mechanism, I suppose. I'm learning more and more about myself each day (Positive spin #2).

In summary:

1. My job has turned into a full on witch hunt of sorts and, as a result, my faith in the general goodness of human nature has significantly faltered.
2. Whether it's due to living alone, or isolating myself because "no one understands me," it turns I'm terribly lonely, but not so much willing to do anything about it.
3. Some important relationships have taken quite the hit in the past year, to the point that it feels like my whole world has been turned on its head.

Then, a more recent blow:
While I took dating off the table to focus on the new job search, the new job search hasn't been going all that well (despite my best efforts, but only sometimes), so I took a gentleman caller up on an offer for a date. Well OF COURSE it hit me all of a sudden that I really like this guy and, long story short, he is emotionally unavailable and wants to be just friends. For whatever reason, this put me way over the edge, much further than it should of...and now I'm embarrassed and ashamed.

I don't think a new "friend" is a good idea right now. I hardly talk to my existing ones for fear that they will grow sick and tired of hearing about my depressing shit. And plus, I'll always have this hope that we'll be more than friends some day. And that sucks...like when I was 19 kind of sucks. No good.

So, we're back at square one, aren't we, Friends?

But the beginning is a really good place to start, right? (that's #3)

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