Duff Man

I saw Ryan Seacrest interviewing Hilary Duff on E! this morning while burning off some stomach fat at the gym. No, I did not go to work today. Or yesterday. But I suppose I will return tomorrow. I came down with a "stomach flu" over the weekend which very much robbed me of my energy and my will to live, let alone return to work. "Elaine" has called me twice now "just to talk and check up on me" and tell me how "dead" it is in the office. Why? Why can't she just leave me the fuck alone? I've been vomitting and shitting out my insides all weekend, haven't I? Can't I get a fuckin' break?

I digress.

Ms. Duff looks as if she has starved herself beyond recognition and, in addition, looks as if she is preparing for a sex change operation. She is so skinny that her chest and cheeks are concave. The entire time Seacrest was showing her around his new E! digs, she had her arms across her chest as if she didn't want anyone to see that she has transformed into a very masculine looking skeleton. She also looked like she hadn't eaten in days, a sort of shuffling of the feet feeling that reminds me of Paris Hilton. As in..."Look, the only thing I've eaten today is a tub of no fat cottage cheese and a Grande skim latte from Starbucks and I'm just fucking tired and there is no way I am picking my feet completely off the ground when I walk."

This gave me an idea. I would be more than willing to help Ms. Duff with her obvious and awkward problem by donating some of the weight that I gained during the holidays that I have yet to lose. In my mind, this offers the perfect solution: Hilary gets to look like a real live girl again and I get to look skinny! It's PERFECT! I don't know why I didn't think of this before.

In other news:
Some sucker who works in a different part of my company has applied for the now open management position in my location. He's coming to "observe" on Thursday, which really means to coming to see for himself what a suckfest it is. Instead of looking at this and being pissed off and shaking my fist in the air, I have decided to approach the whole thing with gusto. My therapist told me something to keep telling myself: Keep doing the stuff you are doing and let the other two dig their own graves. Well, I may have paraphrased but the gist is still there. While it is terribly draining and difficult to attend work these days, I still have to go, face the music and be a big girl about the whole thing. I can't have a stomach flu forever...but long term disability is tempting.

There is another internal opening that I'm not really qualified for, but desparate times call for desparate measures. I just have to wait for the right time to bring it up...to my soon-to-be-determined manager.