Tuesday, August 07, 2007

the break down

No no, not a breakdown...THE break down. Different.

I realized today that one of the reasons I may be pre-sabotaging a third date with eH Jason (not his real name) is that I STILL don't believe I deserve a happy and healthy relationship. Sure, the self doubt is ever present but I'm betting my $$ that this is NOT the reason. Jason is making himself too available and it just isn't challenging. But then again...I'd be complaining about how men are so impossible to understand if he was giving me any kind of run around. Maybe as a woman...I really WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED. Holy shit...the prospect of that is just horrifying. HAVE I BECOME THAT GIRL??

I know I've gone over this before...over and over, again and again. But here it is: I can't date. I have no idea how to "take things slow" and "get to know someone." I jump right in...it feels so natural and good and...exciting. But obviously it hasn't worked out for me...not one bit.

Another thing that's got me thinking how much of a complete crazy bitch I am...I'm still pretty caught on what that psychic said to me. I don't know...do I cut and run with this guy now, because I think I just KNOW, already, that he isn't Mr. Right? Or do I date him...let it run it's course...and keep my eyes out for whatever else may come along?

The summer is running short. I'm not sure if I can risk wasting the time.

Or maybe I need to do this first, before I get to meet him.

Fuck all. I'm stumped. And I'm all over the place. I need a cookie.


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