Thursday, March 24, 2005

Warning: "Serious" Post

I'm having one of those days (or couple of days) where my head constantly hurts and nothing seems to make sense, where all the pain and grief and sadness in the world feels like it's being poured over my head and there is nothing I can do about it.

I don't know what makes this happen, or why it leaves me as quickly as it arrives. It's like someone else, something else, takes over for a bit and gives me this uneasy, extremely nervous feeling. I have no control and having no control makes me lash out, becoming extremely agitated at everyone and everything that happens to cross my path.

What I'm trying to say's really scary. Horrifying actually. It makes my nauseous, makes me want to retreat to my sweatpants, to my bedroom where no one can talk to me or look at me and where I can just lie there, reading or watching some mindless TV show until it finally wears off. This, however, never seems to do the trick. It usually needs to be yelled out, worked out or sweated out until it's completely and utterly just...gone.

I don't want to use the word anxiety or despair because those words aren't nearly enough to describe it. I hate it, I never welcome it and I have only a vague idea of where it comes from.

I would love to blame it on my stupid job or my lack of suitable (to me) living arrangements or PMS. But none of these things are to blame. It isn't even a combination of them either.

In the past, when I've been in this kind of state, I've written entries about it, about how there is very little that snaps me out of it and about how it may or may not have something to do with body chemistry or the synapses in my brain. But I've had that sarcastic, biting spin on it that I don't have today. Today, I just feel desperate to make it go away.

I hate that I cannot find a direct cause or that I cannot stop it from happening. I hate that is usually culminates in some sort of breakdown that is caused by something minor that really isn't the cause of it at all.

And I think the worst part about it is this: When I think about it or try to figure it out, I come up with nothing.

And it just has to be something.

No comments: