Friday, March 25, 2005

List Series Part 2: Rant


1. Whistling, unless it happens to be part of some sort of novelty song, required to entertain a crying baby or used to call a dog. Do. Not.

2. "Sound Systems"
I'm not sure why everyone can't just watch TV at a reasonable volume. Why are subwoofers needed? Why must base be enhanced? These things confuse me. Music can be an entirely different story, but it is just unnecessary to watch Miss Congenialty at full base levels, shaking your entire residence when Candace Bergen gets to the part where she screams and goes crazy.

3. "Uhm" and "Uhhhh"
If you finished your high school education, you should at least have learned how to talk by now. Think about what you saying, then fucking say it. Don't clog up your verbiage with extra nuances or syllables that are not needed. Get to the point.

4. Arrogance
I know we all have to be our own #1 fans, but enough is enough. If you are a cock who thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread, you will have a hard time finding someone to love you, or even be your friend, unless you have an endless supply of money and drugs. Or, unless you find someone or something who is as fucking arrogant and selfish as you are, which is possible. May you live happily ever after.

4. Pussies
Say what you mean. Don't wait for someone else to say it and don't stand in the shadows. Fucking speak up for yourself already. You only live once and your mommy isn't always going to be standing over your shoulder telling you the right thing to do. Small lapses in judgment are, of course, occasionally allowed, especially if alcohol is involved.

5. Shuffling
Pick up your god damn feet when you walk. There is no reason, unless you have walking pneumonia or a terrible hangover, for you to drag your fucking feet like you just learned how to walk. Maybe you should just drag your knuckles on the ground while you're at it.

6. The inability to use an Inside Voice
Hi, I'm right here, standing next to you. There is no need to speak so loudly that I have a sudden urge to go home and get my earplugs in order to drown out of the sound of your shrill, unpleasant tone. The air is already polluted enough.

7. Unorganized Events
If you are planning any sort of party or seminar or, oh I don't know, company mailing, please send out a memo or email or SOMETHING in order to keep everyone involved abreast of the situation. It's not for lack of me trying, but I still cannot read minds. Go figure!

8. Inconsiderate care of a shared space
We've all shared a living space with someone of something at one point in our lives. Yes, I'm even talking to you. It could be at home, or it could even be at work...even at your fitness facility of choice. Please clean up after yourself. Do not ever expect that someone else will "take care of it" unless you still live at home with your mommy and she still wipes your ass after you take a shit. In this case, you're pathetic but I guess you can be as messy as you want. If not, just be considerate. This isn't asking all that much, really...I swear.

9. Pointless/circular conversations
There are several times throughout my day, whether it be with a coworker or a client or a media rep on the phone, that I find myself losing interest in the topic or drifting off to thinking about mini milanos and sweatpants. This is because said individual has not kept my attention because they have no point, expect the one that rests on the top of their head. Get to it, say what you need to say, and let's get on with our lives. I'm growing old trying to decifer what you are actually trying to say through all of your pauses and tangents.

10. Short fuses
We are all guilty of losing it every once in a while and a helpless victim can often be our target. Let's keep this to a minimum. I'm sorry if you had a bad childhood, your father beat you and now you hate your wife and want to strangle your children. Really, I really really am. However, this does not give you the right to snap my head off at some random interval of time. Like I said, we have all done it, including myself. However, deep breaths work wonders and I have a mean right hook.