Ah yes. Things don't get any better than this.
I'm home, in my pajamas, eating mini milanos...watching the Miss USA Pageant. It isn't because I'm really interested in who wins, nor am I looking for fashion tips. Good thing. I'm here to point, laugh and shut my eyes really tight in hopes that this year, someone actually trips.
There girls are a fugly nightmare. I mean...some of these ladies are TORE UP. And I'm not being mean and bitter. I'm being honest. And let's not forget that I HATE Billy Bush, our shrimp of a host, so I must really want to watch this.
We begin by announcing the top 15 based on the last two weeks of interviews, talent competitions and just general presentation. Because I have seen the movie Miss Congeniality, I happen to be an expert on this. I think the judges made some good choices. Moving on...
The evening dress competition yields some seriously hideous gowns. Is this what young girls are wearing these days? I hope not. They are showcasing everything from a bikini top and saraong as gown to a horrid, puffy yellow smattering of material that even my sister, whose prom was in the EARLY 90s, would not have been caught dead in. It was shocking but still oh so entertaining.
Then there are the little bios wedged between the evening gown and swimsuit competitions, so we know these girls can actually speak and are not merely skin covered robots. They all have little tidbits of knowledge to share like "Always dream big" and "Set realistic goals for yourself everyday and always meet them" but they are all saying the same thing, really, and it's this: "Hey you, sitting at home in your pajamas, eating cookies and making fun of us...who's on TV and who's not SUCKA."
Or I could be imagining things.
Then: The Miss Congeniality Award. This is the "You're not good enough or pretty enough or skinny enough to actually win this thing but you sure do make the other girls laugh" award. Good job Wisconsin!
And Miss Photogenic goes to...Miss Texas! You may have not made it to the final 15 but at least you take a nice picture!
The swimsuits are next. At this point, I'm going for California to take the crown. She's cute, she seems pretty sassy and she has big hips. I end up picking one of the top 5. I'm sure her sexy, pseudo strip routine during the swimsuit jaunt had nothing to do with it.
But I almost forget to mention the jugdes. Somehow, former boxers, fashion models, Olympians and daytime television stars are the most qualified to chose Miss USA. I'm puzzled. But then I imagine that they are all on the phone with their publicists during the commercial breaks, cursing them out for being saddled with such a horrible fate. It starts to make more sense.
Then...random, meaningless questions asked by Billy Bush and his blond bimbo sidekick. He just asked one of the lovely contestants about her pet cow, and another about her "perfect man." How this has anything to do with her ability to do charity work, fashion shoots, talk show appearences, etc. for the next year is beyond me. Apparently they just want to make sure that the ladies can form sentences and know the difference between nouns and verbs. They all seem to do fairly well.
BUT THEN...Here comes the FINAL QUESTION. It all hinges on this, people!!
California goes first.
"If you could know one thing about your future, what would you want it to be and why?"
She gives an answer about how she likes the spice of life and doesn't want to know her future. I can see right through her lies. Who doesn't want to know the future? Freak.
Then North Carolina:
"What famous person does your personality most parallel?" Oprah. She says Oprah.
"What has been your greatest challenge and what have you learned from it?"
I guess she started her own granite business and has learned that it's hard for women to be in construction. Genius.
"What do you feel is the most challenging thing facing women your age?"
Self esteem issues. She basically says we all just need to relax and stop complaining about being fat. Yeah, sure.
"What do you think of someone who is a hero?"
She says that she is a positive person and puts others in front of herself. I thought the ability to fly/climb walls/fight crime a hero made, but apparently I was mistaken. These girls are too quick for me!!
The winner gets, among other things, a year's worth of Cover Girl makeup. If I won that, I would immediately try to trade it in for something else...like makeup that isn't cheap and doesn't suck. Oh, and a one time speaking role on Passions. All of my dreams just came true.
This needs to end soon because the sight of Billy Bush is making me nauseous.
They certainly do wisk those runner ups off the stage quickly...
And Miss USA 2005 is...North Carolina. She really is cute, even if she said she thought she was just like Oprah.
I was wrong about California. I may never recover from the shame.