Thursday, February 03, 2005

I've gotten really good at Faking It

I've never been one to be false with my feelings or emotions. I wear my heart on my sleeve to the extent that it occasionally gets me into a bit of a pickle. When I'm annoyed, it's obvious enough. I'm very abrupt, easily irritated and just generally not pleasant to be around. It usually wears off fairly quickly and then I feel guilty about it. It's a vicious cycle.

So, when acquaintances tell me how confident I am, I get very confused because, in reality, I'm quite insecure. You name it, I have some level of insecurity about it. My hair, my clothes, my level of fatness, my level of fitness, my relationships with friends and loved ones, and even my ability to do my very easy job. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not crazy about this facet of my personality and it causes lots of problems, all of which I would love to avoid.

On the flip side of this, I'm terrible at taking compliments which is weird because someone who is insecure is supposed to crave them. I never feel they are sincere and I have to dwell and can never move on. It's awful. It's like I can't get out of my own head.

So, I've decided that, since I hide my insecurity well enough (but damn those people who can see right through me) that at least that's a good start. It could be worse...I could be a blubbering, homely idiot.

I told myself this blog wouldn't become a self deprecating pile of crap and it ISN'T. If I write about this here, that means I can't go back on my promise to myself. Or something.

This was a random entry (and maybe a little too deep)...there will be more funny to follow. I may be insecure, but I know I can be pretty damn hilarious.

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