Thursday, January 13, 2005

Portrait of THE DOLL

My first employee summary is, appropriately, the President of this *wonderful* company. I have coined him "The Doll" mostly due to his first name which I do not want to reveal here. I think those of you who are "quick" will figure out his first name based on the nickname that I have given him. It's function is so that I can make fun of him in the open as well as behind his back (which I would do anyway).

The Doll, our fearless leader, is a bumbling idiot who is stuck somewhere in the years between 1972 and 1988 and still runs his failing business the way he did "back when business was booming." He has no grasp on what things actually cost in this year, 2005 ("$50 for a bouquet of flowers??"), nor does he have any realistic concept of how to successfully run the business that he owns. He is a micromanager to the max and most certainly favors the men in the office, which are the majority of this paltry business. He picks apart nearly everything the three women in the office do and say while the men in the office are, most always, without fault.

Here is an excerpt from a conversation I once had to suffer through with The Doll:
ME: [mustering up a half smile] You wanted to see me?
Doll: Yes...I noticed here in one of your emails to the client that you spelled the word "their" incorrectly. Were you aware of this?
ME: [Do you have a point?] Is it spelled incorrectly in the ad?
Doll: Well, no but that's not the issue. Are you spell checking all of your emails before you send them?
ME: [Then what IS the issue?] Yes.
Doll: Well, obviously you are not if this error occured.
ME: [If you knew the answer, why did you ask me, you worthless piece of crap?]Ok.

This went on for about 5 more minutes, with him talking in circles so that he just kept repeating himself over and over, again and again; and me just sitting there, trying to find my peaceful place.

Now, I'm sure you're all asking how he has come to run a business at all if he really is, in fact, a complete and utter *clueless* moron. Well, it's a mystery to me and my coworkers as well. The business is barely pulling any sort of profit after all is said and done and, before my time here, was almost sold not once...but twice. Job security is not high on the list of reasons why I remain at this job...obviously. Then again, I don't have any other reasons except that I can throw a rock at this place from my apartment. If I could throw that rock and hit The Doll in the head well...that would be a reason as well.

Let me give you a sampling of some of the emails that I have saved over my 16 months here:

This year, for the first time, I want everyone to think about and then announce to the rest of the members of the Agency, a single New Year's Resolution: what you will strive to do better in your work role in 2005.

Give that some thought, and send it to me in an email, your personal Resolution, and we'll put them together in one document.

On Tuesday, January 4 at the Production Meeting we will announce them all (mine included).

ONE New Year's Resolution about what you will strive to do better in your work role in 2005.

Happy New Year,

The meeting that followed this charade was mind numbing and pointless. It is barely half way through the month and no one has made any sort of step towards actually following through with this, not even The Doll himself. Good Job, Doll.

Here's another:

Well, a couple of us are running around here with colds (me, Michael, Tom). So one of the best ways to keep healthy is to keep washing your hands.

I thanked him for that one. He really saved my life there.

I could go on and on and on. I have hundreds of these. I get at least one a day. None of us are too sure EXACTLY what he does in his office all day. It's most likey high level thinking of some sort...and sending pointless emails to the entire office.

When I started working here, I thought this place was a front for the Russian Mob. I'm serious. Either that or, at any moment, a short, burly man with a camera was going to jump out from behind one of the dying plants and yell "JUST KIDDING!!!"


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