Reason #976 why I should never leave my apartment

I went to the gym last night. Good for me. Second time this week.

On my way back to my car after a mediocre work out, I notice upon approach of Lola that she was blocked in. Now...I wish I could draw you a diagram of the situation, but I'll do my best to be descriptive. On the side lot of my gym, there is a really ghetto auxillary parking lot. When the gym is busy during the week, cars tend to go into this overflow section because it's closer to the entrance than parking at the back of the lot. And plus, the back of the larger lot is next to this adandoned lot which is kind of sketchy when it gets dark.

ANYWAY, in this particular overflow area, there aren't marked parking spots, so you just kind of pull in behind another car and then everyone else follows in a row. It usually works out just fine. Well, last night FOUR different idiots decided to make a THIRD row which, as you may have guessed, blocks those people in the middle in. One of those blocked cars was my Lola.

It didn't take long for the mess to get straightened out. I think the funniest part of the evening was the reaction of one of my fellow blocked in gym mates. At first glance, he seemed like a sensible guy, but with each second that went by (in a total of ten minutes), he got more and more agitated by the situation, and at an accelerated rate. Sure, it was annoying. But what can you do? Just deal with it and wait...why get all upset? He kept repeating "I have to BE somewhere!" and passing back and forth and checking his phone. I was like "Dude, where do you have to be in your swim trunks, flip flops and muscle shirt?" Hrmm. He didn't so much like that question.

So when we were leaving, I asked him if needed help backing out, because he was in the middle of the pack and the manuevering may have been a bit tight. You know...me being a nice person. It happens from time to time. But he already didn't like me, and he huffed and puffed and said: "What would I need YOUR help for?"

Well...nevermind then.

right...about....there

So I stayed awake last night, tossing and turning.

I'm bored again.

You know the drill. After about a month of taking a "break" from dating, I get the itch again.

Now that some harrowing work events have come to a close for the foreseeable future, my job has gone back to sucking just enough for me not to be all that motivated to find a new one. I've come back full circle from utter misery to simple complacency.

It is terribly hard for me to get motivated lately. And that applies to everything: going out with friends, getting to the gym, job searching, grocery shopping, dating...everything seems to require way more effort than I'm willing to expend. So I end up at home, in my absolutely stellar apartment, usually going about my daily routine and quite happy about it.

Now I must clarify.

I'm not living in filth or anything. I haven't stopped obsessively cleaning/organizing/putting away or showering or going to work. It's just that when I'm home, I really don't want to leave. And just the thought of going anywhere after work except home/couch, leaves me exhausted. I can't get my work clothes off fast enough when I get in the door. There is a trail of them up the stairs and into the bathroom. My shut in warbrode is getting quite a bit of use.

But I've digressed. And definitely contradicted myself. If I'm saying I don't have the energy/motivated to do much, then why would I want to open up the dating can of worms again?

Great question. I'm not sure of the answer.

Alas...Bored. Dating. Continue...

So last night, while tossing and turning, I was thinking about how I would pen a new "dating profile." It occured to me that maybe I should just write about why I like things, rather than a laundry list of what those things are, or a list of the character traits I believe I possess. Can I really explain, eloquently and genuinely, why I find the majority of reality television to be an actual study on the vast human psyche, which also happens to be extremely entertaining when done right? Or will it just come across that I am a one dimensional couch potato?

T vomit

I really don't have anything new and exciting to tell you. Things are the same.

Yesterday was very humid and the T was supah miserable.

I usually walk the mile or so to the Orange Line instead of jumping on the Red, which is closer to work, but yesterday I took the Red. You see...it was very hot and sticky and I was wearing a skirt. Do I need to say more?

Well, I get on the Red and immediately smell vomit...that smell that you just cannot mistake with anything else. And I look...and it's all over the seat that I'm standing across from. So these two sassy black girls get on after me and start going all "Girlfriend!" about the puke, which is hilarious, and almost makes it all worth it.

So then this snobby Asian girl gets on and is all "Can you PLEASE move in more?" when the train is completely packed and her skinny ass should just wait for the next fucking train. (Everyone acts like there will NEVER be another train to come and that THIS train is the LAST train that will EVER take them home EVER) The sassy black girls were about to warn her about the puke but then were like "Uh uh bitch! Not with that attitude!" Oh...it was so awesome. I was dying.

Anyway...the snobby girl puts her hand DIRECTLY on the railing that is covered in puke and then touches her hair. The sassy girls and I are hysterical.

Sigh...it was so great. Proof that there is justice in the world.

Yummy!

Look at those legs! Pick the D. Cook video...Obvi.

http://www.guitarhero.com/idol/

Surprise!

I have never loved being this wrong.

I will admit I thought the finale was SUPER painful, of what I actually saw. I went to bed half way through...right after the train wreck that was the Brian Adams resurrection, which was preceded by the drugged Diane Summer disaster. I did DVR the rest of it, and will most likely fast forward through all of it until the winner announcement.

My man won! As DC points out, this will make it signigicantly more difficult for me to bed him. But because of my selfless nature, I don't so much mind.

Could he have made a better album if he came in second place? Most definitely. Will he still do fairly well for himself? Of course. Just look at my girl Kelly.

But he looked very happy and humble...and all good words that start with "H."

I very much wish it was Friday. This week is taking forever.

Idol blah

So little Archuleta is going to win. This I know...

I'm still disappointed because I really want Cook to win. But it would be a big upset and people would yell and scream and protest.

Alas...I still want D. Cook's hot ass.

New pants update

Yes, they came in the mail last week. Have you been dying for the conclusion? It occured to me today that I haven't written in over a week. Whoops!

Blah...They didn't fit.

Waaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

However...I returned them to store and found another pair I like even more. I'm planning on buying them online in another color. So for now, the pants problem has been partially solved.

No, I didn't get that job I had mentioned.

But it's ok...I only cried for 4 hours instead of 8.

I'm tired of using technology

Ok...yesterday and today have been entirely new experiences for me on the technology front.

I know you've all heard of phone sex. I've never really been able to get into it, save a handful of times, as I have had lots of long distance boyfriends.

But text sex? Oh good lord. I'm into it...and then some.

The identity of the recipient will for now remain anonymous. I just hope that actions speak louder (or...ok...maybe just as loud) as words.

It's become evident

My blog has been pretty lame lately.

Maybe it's my life as a shut in. I don't have any decent material anymore because stupid, annoying people do not pierce my bubble nearly as often. And those that do are at work, and I can't really go into detail on that (so unfortunate).

I'm obviously feeling a bit insecure. Here's why: I just bought a couple hundred dollars worth of pants on gap.com. I definitely had my fingers crossed when I hit the "submit order" button. I have a vague idea that they might fit but let's be honest...it was a random and careless thing for me to do. Especially since I used the recently paid off credit card. Whoops.

All this...and who knows how much longer I will be gainfully employed.

My prediction: The pants will come in the mail and I will either 1. Wear them a few times, trying to convince myself that I made a wise retail decision, but be uncomfortable the entire time because they are baggy everywhere they aren't supposed to be or 2. Put the pants on and be just thrilled and pat myself on the back for an (actual) wise retail decision (I did get 10% off) OR finally 3. Try them on, realize they don't fit at all and then suck it up and either return them at an actual store(which is what all this was supposed to help me avoid in the first place) or in the mail.

Let's pull for option two. Let's pull REAL hard. I need this break.

the world would be so much better if everyone were more like me

I am surrounded by crazies and idiots.

Work continues to suck my soul. It's found a new and creative way to do so...color me impressed.

I have a second interview tomorrow for a job I REALLY want, right in downtown. They even gave me homework, so those of you who know me well know that homework for a job interview is right up my alley. Nerd Alert!

I know this is asking for something without offering to give anything (you should be used to it be now), but I could use some good vibes to counteract the incredibly crazy volume of bads ones.

Exhibit A: See above reference to WORK.

Exhibit B: I've been trying to "hang out" with this one guy I met at a party a couple of weeks ago, but to no avail. It seems incredibly difficult. He has been deemed insane. I second that.

Exhibit C: More on the man front, the creepies and crawlies are really coming out of the woodwork lately. I need to get that magnet removed...

Thank you to all, but especially to AC (down with the poisoned cream!), CM (your voice mails keep me going) and my dearest Donald (I miss you more than you miss me...duh) for your recent and wonderful support, despite my being a thoroughly miserable bitch...albeit a thoroughly miserable bitch with fantastic hair.

what the...?

I swear things like this only happen to me.

Volunteer guy has a girlfriend. Just weird.

And you were doing so well!

I really thought I had gotten over the hump yesterday. I had a kick ass interview and they want to see me back for a second round. The job, the company, the money, the location...it would all be great for me. A (young) guy I met while volunteering went out of his way to contact me (and you know how much I love male attention).

Things were looking up.

Then, once again, the shit hit the fan. It seems to happen way too often lately. I should be absolutely covered in splattered poo by now.

Today I saw, with my own eyes, a complete betrayl of my trust. Someone who I thought had been my friend, my true blue, and a constant, has actually been playing me all along.

To say that I am confused is an understatement. I don't know what to believe, or what pieces of the truth were told to me. It's a complete mind fuck, and I want OUT.

And yes, you guessed it, it has to do with my increasingly dysfunctional, soap opera-esque J-O-B.

the drama finds me...again

I'm sorry about the lapses in posts. When I'm quiet, I know it makes some of you cranky, nervous, anxious...My drama is like crack to some of you apparently.

Today was a killer of a day...I've had too many of them lately.

My boss, and subsequently another key member of his staff, are both done here effective today. They both technically "resigned" but were really more fired. The way they've gone out could have been handled much better from their end. MUCH better. They've put me, and another remaining colleague, in an awkward position. It's not pleasant and we're both really irritated. The events of today leave me to assist with a messy clean up.

I'm completely on edge. I want to get out of this absolutely insane excuse for a work place, but I haven't quite reached the point with any propects where it's safe for me to leave. By safe I mean being able to jump from this income to another. I've got some things lined up but they require frequent leaves of absence from the office. As much as I don't care for my current employers, I still hate lying in general about my whereabouts. Doctor's appointments, car trouble, and family "emergencies" are all wearing thin. To make me feel even worse, one of the owners today told me that they "trust" me. Oye.

So I've already tried to brainstorm on the story that will go along with my notice. I've already planted the seed that working here doesn't necessarily fit in with my career goals. I didn't outright say I was looking for another job, but I did hint that I wasn't 100% happy, even before the beginning of the current downward spiral. When (and if) the new job offer comes and I weigh the pros and cons and eventually accept, I will tell the owners here that an old recruiting contact who is now at such and such a place has the perfect opportunity for me. This opportunity is much more focused on what I really want to do, so no hard feelings and by the way, I did my interview on a Saturday and never took work time to tend to personal business... Obviously I'm still trying to fine tune it.

My heart has been in my throat all day. In addition, a guy that I met last weekend that I really like and had fun with is turning out to be quite the pussy. But it's OK. I'm not dating right now anyway.

So send me all your positive thoughts. I need them now more than ever.

Barf

I partied last night. I didn't go to bed drunk, and I didn't really FEEL out of control drunk throughout the evening, yet I am still hung over today. I've been nauseous all day, and haven't left the house. Oh the indecency!

But I had a FANTASTIC time, probably the most fun I've had in quite some time. The difference between last weekend and this weekend is very different and for a couple of reasons.

I told one of the owners at the crazy farm where I work that I was "thinking about the direction I wanted to go in" i.e. IF I wanted to stay employed where I am. It's not so important that she know I already made the decision. What matters is that I handled myself really well and her reaction was very reasonable. I'm fairly certain that's because she wants to be rid of me anyway. At the end of our hour and a half long discussion, during which I really needed a shovel for all the bullshit I was hearing, I felt both relieved and dirty. I was fake, I lied through my teeth and I pretended I didn't want to reach across the table and slap her.

No bridges were burned and I remained composed. Good for me...

Get out the blazers and high heels

Hmmmm pudding...

Oh sorry.

It's interview time!

I went to a staffing group today that specializes in my particular brand of professionalism. They seem to want to work for me. I'll make an appointment with another. There seems to be an upswing in interest in me (ok, I was hungry for any interest at all), which is good because, as you may have read in a few posts back, I was feeling very much rejected, in multiple ways.

But it's never taken me long to bounce back. This time is no different. I'll keep you updated on the job search.

(Hmmm David Cook...I'm SO happy they fixed his hair. Paper bag no longer needed.)

Glamour Puss

Andrew Lloyd Webber. Hmmm...He looks like a toad. However, he uttered a phrase I had forgotten I loved and that is "Glamour Puss." So worth it, just for that.

Obviously I'm watching Idol from last night.

And I've concluded, although I already knew, that Broadway is hard to sing. It makes me have a bit more respect for Johnny Depp, Madonna, all the people in Hairspray..etc. etc. You get my point.

I'm only half way through and yet to see He Who Is Most Utterly Fuckable, so I'm not really paying attention. Everyone has bit it so far as far as I'm concerned.

Brooke? I don't like her. She restarted the song. Big no no. Even I know that.

Blah...they are all dead to me. Except one.

I just got a little excited

I found a Senior Recruiter job posted on Monster for a creative firm. This is a job I'm perfect for. Here's hoping that I get a phone call.

The bad news: I think it's in Rhode Island. Waaah Waaaa.

puffy eyes

For a couple of months now, I think the fall out from dating and a bad job has gained some serious negative momentum, which all was leading up to what happened yesterday.

Friday night, I put a voice mail into 30 something Match. I was sick of waiting to hear from him and wondering what the fuck his deal was. I thought he liked me, I definitely liked him. Friday night I also went on a "date" which, due to all fault of my own, ended awkwardly. I feel terrible about it, because I think I may have sent out a vibe as confused as I was. I was exhausted and didn't know what to do with myself besides takes action. So I made the call to 30 something.

Hindsight, as always, is 20/20. The signs were there that 30 something Match just wasn't that into me, or dating in general, even before we went out on our first date. I shouldn't be shocked that the return call ended in the realization that I would not see 30 something Match again. Yet, it still knocked the wind right out of my already limp sails (hooray for forced metaphors).

After a hellish couple of weeks at work, and doing everything I could to hold my shit together, I broke down...and in a fucking nail salon. The phone call, while not the entire reason, was certainly part of the reason, and definitely a catalyst. AC, bless her heart, was there to tell me that it was OK to just leave and lose it. And that's exactly what I did. I curled up on my couch, sobbing fetal style, and wished, more than anything, I could call my mommy. Because in the end, my deep desire to just be loved is what my insecurity and fear of rejection all boils down to. I look at every guy and every date to save me from myself...and that is so completely fucked up. I'm still searching for unconditional love in all the wrong places.

I just deactivated my Match account, turned off all email alerts and made my profile private. Until my account is truly expired at the end of May, I should have taken care of any temptations in the mean time.

I can't do this anymore. I can't keep putting myself out there to look for something that is too much to ask from an intimate relationship. Yesterday was yet another lesson in this, and I think it's finally sunk in. I need to figure out what makes me happy and be secure in myself before I try to find happiness in someone else. Doing it any other way will just lead to more of me eating girl scout cookies on my couch and blubbering off and on with all my shades drawn, while it is a gorgeous day outside.

While I feel good about my decision and I know it's the right thing to do, the loneliness is hitting me harder than ever. I am scared shitless.

To some of you, this all may sound a bit doom and gloom...even unnecessarily melodramatic. But my intention is not for anyone who reads to worry.

I'll be ok. Just give me a couple days in my pajamas watching bad reality TV and even worse romantic comedies, while simultaneously trying to find a new job, and I should be right as rain.

Dating and men are OFF the table until I get my shit together. And this time I mean it.

I just can't wait

Still no call from 30 something Match man. I know you were all curious. I re-read my last post and apparently it was a bit confusing to some. Hrmmm. My apologies.

I'm all whatever about it, you know? If it's not meant to be it's...not.

In other news, I have Monday off and this particular Friday cannot go by fast enough. I have lots to keep me busy so I'm about to get to it...and do it to it.

Hugs and all that...

Updates!

Work totally ROTS. My boss resigned yesterday and he's pretty much the best thing I've got going here. I hope it's the beginning of the end for me. Now I am slated with the task of having to find his replacement. Awkward!

I wasn't expecting to hear from 30 something Match last night, as our date was less than 24 hours previous. But I won't lie...I was hoping I would hear from him. But there's the rub (thank you, Pessimist Prime, for reminding me how absolutely versatile this saying is): Hope and Expectations in this brain of mine seem to be one in the same. I already know one of his hesitations: his schedule and my schedule don't mesh so much. He is up all hours of the night doing whatever he does. But I'm not about to feel bad about going to bed at 10pm (or earlier) when I have to get up at 530 during the week. Will I be flexible on this? Sure...but only if I get the same amount of willingness in return. That's the way it should work and, despite my loneliness on the male companionship front, I will not be that girl who gives and gives and gives and GIVES and gets so little in return. I would rather be alone than have my head fucked with like that again.

Amen and Hallelujah to THAT!