Anyone who drives a Hummer and is not a member of the military should be shot in the knee cap

No, really.

I digress.

I went to the gym last night thinking that I had just enough time to get there, do my usual thing, go home, shower and be in bed by 10.

That didn't happen.

I get to the gym and decide I want to go into the locker room first, which I don't usually do, but it was about 120 degrees yesterday and I had been drinking water all day like it was...water, so I had to pee. Who do I see when I walk in? WELL, since it's Wednesday night at 7:15, I see Ani, a lovely young lady (if perhaps not one of the most tolerable coworkers) headed for the bathroom. Now, I worked with Ani over two years ago, but we live in the same area so I see her from time to time. We're friendly and do the obligatory "how's life" song and dance. She teaches a class called "Step & Sculpt" which I've never taken, probably because being at the gym until 9 at night seems less tempting than having tacks for eyes. However, I have always told her in passing that I would one day join the class, and there she was and there I was, 15 minutes before it was due to start. Why not, right?

The "stepping" part wasn't bad. I'm semi-coordinated, so I caught on pretty fast and managed not to fall or trip. I did, however, start to sweat quite a bit. It's only recently that this has started to happen. Of course everyone sweats when they work out to some extent but I'm no Lance Armstrong and only someone who stars in her own sports commercials should actually work hard enough to sweat as much as I do. I'm not sure if it's some sort of strange hormonal thing, but it was bordering on embarrassment when I had to stop because my vision was blurred by the sweat that had dripped into my eyes. While I could still (kind of) see, I was having trouble once the step routine started getting more "complicated." But then the warm up was over. What I thought was already fairly challenging was actually just "get your heart pumping" crap they do in the beginning. I thought I was done for. Luckily, there were two ladies who couldn't have found there way out of a sack lunch. So I think to myself "Phew! I look in shape compared to those two!" Not so much.

Moments later, these two uncoordinated ladies, both of whom I had moments before secretly mocking, schooled me when it came to the "sculpt" portion of the class. After two sets of the "hip strengthening exersices," I started to hear myself whimper. My hair was completely soaked with sweat at this point and, when I caught my own reflection in the surrounding mirrors, I thought I was another girl in the class who I had somehow failed to notice up to this point. I thought she looked quite winded, had very jiggly (uneven!) boobs and resembled a slightly overweight and very tired (and wet) looking Molly Ringwald.

Oh wait no. That's just me.

I tried my hardest to keep up and I think I may even have fooled them. Ani, bless her heart, was over the top encouraging, in true aerobics instructor form.

I should mention here that one, if one was so inclined, can bounce quarters off this women's ass. She was drunk at a Christmas party one year and we tried it in the bathroom while the president dressed up as Santa and passed out free champagne. So I know.

I was ecstatic when the class was over. While I attempted to dry myself off with a hand towel, I was greeted by Ani, who wanted to make sure I had gotten "a good workout." I casually shrugged and said "Oh yeah. I mean, I thought the hip exercises were kind of beginner but it was still great." The lack of essential vitamins and nutrients had effected my brain function. There was no going back. Ani nodded and said, "Oh really! I have always thought that! Come next Wednesday and we can do the more andvanced ones." With that, she turned on the balls of her feet and trotted off. Every square inch of her body was bone dry while I stood there, looking as if I had gotten into the shower with all of my clothes on.

I'm so fucked.