Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The doctor will patronize you now

I was flooded with new material last night while I was trying to fall asleep. Maybe it's my own way of escaping from my "real" problems or maybe it's yet another form of proscrastination. Either way, you better like it.

Last Friday I had a physical with my primary care physician. I obviously don't know her all that well, since I rarely go to this particular brand of doctor, but I decided back in late summer that I should really go and make sure I had a clean bill of health, my blood wasn't infected with any strains of rare bacteria, and that I hadn't caught Hepatitis C from my old roommate. I hear that spreads like wildfire in tanning beds and I also hear it's just horrible. Early detection is key!

I started out with a very grumpy nurse, (why are they always so sullen?) who had me stand awkwardly in the hallway while she prepared my pee cup. Really? We can't do this in an exam room somewhere? She handed it to me and pointed to the bathroom. Apparently nurses do not speak. Lucky for her, I had to go. I actually had to go too much and I overfilled the thing. So I had pee all over my hands and it was just generally unpleasant. I cleaned up and handed the cup back to her and she proceeded to open it and put pH strips in it just, you know IN THE HALLWAY. Ugh.

Then after waiting for a little too long for the doctor to come in, she arrived and started asking me all of the requisite questions. I lied and told her I didn't drink or do drugs and that everything was "just great." Because what can she really do about my digestive problems besides tell me to keep a food journal and then NOT diagnose me with IBS? Why bother! I'll just keep self medicating on that one, thanks.

Then she asks me about what medications I'm on, I tell her, then she asks me this question: "So the antidepressant you take, does that make you happy?"

EEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. What kind of fucking question is THAT coming from a DOCTOR? I know I did that thing where my chest got all blotchy and red because I was pissed (also happens when drinking) and I just said "Yes, exactly. It makes me happy." She asked me a few minutes later during the "exam" part if I was allergic to the detergents they wash their johnnies in. Yeah, that must be it.

We quickly moved on to talking about Tetnus shots.

We decided I couldn't remember the last time I had gotten one, so let's do this thing. She tells me I may have a mild reaction of a fever or maybe a redness around the injection site but nothing major. Sounded fine to me. The grumpy nurse comes back in, quietly gives me the shot and then says THIS gem: "Grrrrl, that shot is gonna to make you SO sick."

Wait, what? Can all of you maybe chit chat amongst yourselves before giving me medical information? Or maybe you can get a nurse who isn't such a Debbie Downer? Just maybe?

Four days later, I didn't get sick at all. My arm was a little sore from where the shot was but other than that, absolutely nothing happened.

And I guess if I had the hiv, I would have gotten a phone call by now.

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