Tuesday, April 07, 2009

An open letter to Lady Lambert

Dear Glambert,

I know everyone loves you and thinks you're amazing and you are constantly getting your ass kissed. I know Simon gave you a standing ovation tonight. I know you really love not wearing chapstick, and having super straight hair, not to mention that sick foundation that no one can seem to get the shade right on. I know that you just love to scream until all the dogs in American go deaf. I know that, while I'm not a Moron Robot fan, I actually feel bad that he is so completely in your shadow.

At this point, I've come to the realization that I have to watch you for many weeks to come, as it's clear America, and the producers of Idol, is, and are, smitten.

All I ask is that you stop being SUCH a god damn kiss ass. Really? It makes me throw up in my mouth everytime you mouth "Thank you" so lovingly to the judges and the audience. Just...shhhh.

I love a fabulous gay men who embraces his sexuality just as much as anyone possibly could, but one thing I can't stand is a gay man who rubs his sexuality, and his black fingernails, in my face. I've had enough. Take your costumes and your zip crotch pants and go tell someone who cares.

So I will bide my time and just wait for that homemade movie of you to surface, one where I imagine you are in questional positions with other, eh ehm, ladies.


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