I was looking for Pleasure Town and this is the shit I found

I wrote this earlier today while at work BUT the COMPANY has now blocked my ability to post in my blog (the nerve) so I had to email myself what I wrote (I didn't lose it!) and re-post here. See what I do for you? SEE?!?!?

I had every good intention of writing over the weekend and replying to all of your comments. Alas, this did not occur. And now that I am here (well at work, but still) and trying to respond to your comments, I learn that, in the true spirit of this company, they have blocked access to my blog. Yet ironically enough, I can still access blogger (the root of the blog) and my hotmail. Great. But I've read them all and thank you and all that. And yes, Kristin, I did get the picture of the geese that you sent me in the mail and I peed myself a little when I opened it.

I'll be honest and say I'm not doing all that well today. The morale here in the ole office is very low. There were tears this morning (not from me). We are all pissed off, if to different degrees. We are all confused and completely overwhelmed and not able to focus. As Nick would say (bless his heart), I am steadily trotting along the road to Negative Town and trying with all my might to turn around. But this cloud has no silver lining. This whole thing just plain sucks. And I'm stuck here, at least for now.

That said, I'll do my best to make the best of an otherwise uncomfortable and dreadful situation. I've put out on the table all of my honest and forthright thoughts about the situation and I have no regrets. I have joined another gym in order to work out some of my aggression and get out of my apartment (I got a pretty good deal, too). The money situation, for now, looks less bleak and my lesbian hairdo is starting to progress into the fierce stages (even if not on this particular day).

I'm also pretty pissed that Crash won Best Picture last night. Clearly the Academy is made up of a bunch of pussies. Now, Crash was a good picture, but Brokeback Mountain was an amazing picture, regardless of your thoughts on the subject matter. I went to bed at 10pm because the montages were getting to me and even Jon Stewart's valiant attempts at humor could in no way keep me entertained.

Fuckin' Academy.

There is entirely too much

Oh ladies and gents!

What a week it has been...WHAT A WEEK IT HAS BEEN.

There is not possibly enough time for me to write in full about everything that has occured. Partially because I'm at work and partially because I just plain don't have the energy.

I will start with the important things first.

1. THE IDOL. This week, the ladies were, for the most part, a complete suckfest. The gentleman were quite a bit better. My early favorites: Katherine, The Pickler, Mr. Dashing Dantry and Elliott. Do I have predications yet? NO. Are there contestants that I wish I could vote off? Yes. One. And her name is The Bitch that is Brenna. From hence forth, she is BTIB, The Bitch, or, if I'm lazy...Brenna. Results are tonight and boy do I have tunnel vision.

2. The Boyfriend Status. My man is doing much better. He has an interview tomorrow. I love him more than I ever have. Through everything, he is my rock and I am his. I cannot wait to officially start my life with him. Sure, we fight. Sure we disagree on many things. But I just can't picture a day in my life without him. (barfing noises are acceptable if you need them to be).

3. My sister. No, I haven't quite spoken to her in length just yet. Sure, it upsets me a bit BUT bottom line: She's my sister, I love her and we will always have each other no matter what. We have the tragedy that is our mother in common. Maybe a bit of a break from each other's drama is what we need.

4. My J-O-B. I have to keep this vague because I would never want to risk my professional career because of my blog. It has happened to some good people. It has also happened and then made life better for those people. I'd rather not take the risk. A sketchy summary: my boss was fired yesterday and the way I have known my job to be has ONCE AGAIN completely changed from what it was before. Let's take an assessment: This will be about the fourth time in 7 months. I still believe in what I do and I still want to maintain my professionalism. But I'm pissed off and I'm not keeping that a secret. Karma better be a BIG FUCKING BITCH in this case.

Some shout outs:
Pretty Miss: Congrats on the new job! I wanted to make my good wishes to you official. And I love you to pieces.
Sexy Mama: You are a beautiful woman and an amazing friend. You're not alone and you can talk to me WHENEVER. Smooches and HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!!!!!!
Cousin Tiara: Congrats on your new job as well! Nick has already asked about free, limited edition Star Wars toys. Just throwing that out there.
MC: We need to hang out. Especially since you now live back at home. You must be maddened.
Cuz over the Sea: Uhm...someone asks me for a HUGE LONG EMAIL because she said she would kill me if I didn't write one to her and I get NOTHING. What the fuck, dude?
M-Kizzle: You rock, you roll and you are the best boss this girl has ever had (and I had EIGHT at that other company alone).
My surrogate mom and my surrogate bro: I miss you both SO much. I know I'm lame about calling and getting together and I'm terribly sorry. Just know that I think of you both often.

If I've left anyone out, I'm a big asshole.

VERY IMPORTANT AND URGENT NEWS BULLETIN

After almost a year of stress, blood, sweat and tears, I have just gotten one of my two credit card balances down to ZERO.

ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERO.

So what if the other one is in the thousands? Want to start somethin' about it? Huh? HUH?

It's ZERO interest until August.

How DO...YOU...LIKE....THAT?

Wish me luck

Today I will reopen my can of whoop ass and make a final (maybe) attempt towards the ultimate goal of US Airways becoming my bitch.

Now my 5 year old niece has one up on me

My sister and I are giving each other the silent treatment. We got into a bit of a brawl over some stupid family crap (actually a dinner that I would have very much wanted to attend) and neither of us has made any sort of move to apologize. That's probably because we are both very stubborn and hard-headed. It's also because neither of us think we did anything wrong. So...there's that.

In other news, I've started being interested in wearing earrings again. I had a large collection when I was about 13 and frequently wore small bobbles that were age and time appropriate. But I've gotten rid of a lot of that, for obvious reasons. Now I'm thinking with this new hairstyle, some dangly and stylish earrings may be just the ticket.

That said, I bought a pair yesterday (starting out small) and have worn them...and I think I'm allergic to them. That OR I basically had to re-pierce my ears this past weekend with another pair of earrings because (see above) it's been a while since I've worn them. Meanwhile...Audrey (my firecracker toddler of a niece) has recently taken her original studs out of her ears and is now experimenting as well. So starts the reversion back to my tumultuous childhood.

Sorry. I'll try harder next time.

Something that makes you want your mommy

And that something is my PMS wrath.

The bloating combined with the sudden, frequent and passing urge to cry, as well as this being my first period off the pill (oh, such a long story) is making for quite the storm below the belt.

GOOD LORD.

What on earth did I do to deserve this?

Don't look at me, don't touch me and certainly, if you know what is good for you, DO NOT engage me in conversation.

(So I really hope it is actually PMS and not me losing my mind.)

The Mantra

This is where I give myself a pep talk...about everything.

Stay positive. All of this hard, emotionally gruelly work will pay off in the end. It WILL bring a rewarding, happy life.

IT WILL.

Get out of that computer chair and work out. You know that if you don't do it now, you will be no good to anyone, especially yourself. And considering the trip to Georgia you will take later today and everything that goes along with trying to single handedly pull your boyfriend out of his severe depression and downward spiral due to a recent series of extremely unfortunate events, you'll need all of the good feelings and self confidence that you can get.

Afterall, you didn't have to go to work today. You decided that you needed a day off. And what should you do on your day off? You should do nothing but nice things for yourself. All nice things!! NICE THINGS.

I will not let the current size of pants grow by number in any way and I will NOT give into negativity.

This too shall pass.

Yes! Good job! (pats self on the back)

Same shit, different shovel

This, my fine friends, is my new favorite -ism.

Perhaps I should start an "-Ism of the Month."

Or not. I've gotten increasingly lazy when it comes to anything extra-curricular. I don't have the energy.

My sister told me last night that she is "concerned" about me. Apparently she "hasn't heard enough" from me lately and thinks I'm becoming a "workaholic." I tried to explain to her what was involved and why I don't have a choice when I stay at the office until 8 at night, but she didn't seem to listen or understand. Alas, I understand her frustration. If only Nameless Successful Staffing Company #1 had an iota of sympathy. But they don't. So that's that.

I'm off to ATL tomorrow afternoon for a weekend with my long lost boyfriend. I feel like he's been away at war or something. He hasn't....it's just that airline tickets are fucking expensive and I can't afford to be purchashing them frequently and either can he. Wish me luck in getting to meet USHER.

What else?

The Steelers win Super Bowl XL!

In case you didn't already know.

And is it me, or are Roman Numerals severly underused? I hope I'm not alone in thinking, for just about two seconds, that the XL meant extra large.

Or am I?

This Bud's [commerical] for you

I've never paid so much attention to a Super Bowl in my entire life. And it isn't because of the commercials.

I know the players. I have some real stock in the game. My emotions are fully involved. Or as fully as emotions can be involved by a woman who hates (yes hates) football.

I think I've lost my mind, but hear me out:
I really do think that if the Steelers win this game, it means so much more than the Vince trophie thingie.

You with me so far?

Are you?? ARE YOU??

The overabundance of the color yellow has clearly effected my brain function.

GO STEELERS!!

Oh shit.

Yeah...THAT kind of lawyer

{To be filed under the category of "Why ME?"}

The US Airways saga continues. And I get closer and closer to blowing my stack.

Yesterday I was overjoyed when what looked like a check from US Airways had arrived in the mail.

Could it be?? Could they have actually sent me some of the money that they owe me? For true?

I'm so naive...apparently.

Yes, there was an envelope in the check. And yes it was the amount needed to cover the expenses incured while I was without my luggage that fateful weekend early last December. Yippee! Right?!?!?

What was also included in the envelope was a letter including the following excerpt:

Unfortunately, as outlined in the US Airways' Terms of Transportation, US Airways assumes no liability for missing photographic equipment. Such matters, however, are reported to our Security Department for appropriate investigation.

Doesn't that just RULE? This would have been VERY helpful information TWO MONTHS AGO.

There is also some shit stamped on the back of the check that is hardly readable but basically states that if I sign the check to cash it, I give up any and all right to claim against them again. So I can't even turn that fucker into cash. And, let me also state that I could really use an extra $120 right now.

That tightness in my chest is happening again.

I am already on the quest to hire a sleazy lawyer. Any and all (helpful) suggestions are always welcome.

Facing the corner of my office with a dunce cap on

Anonymous has schooled me once again.

I need to get back to my roots.

Once The Idol gets into the top 12 is when the fun really starts.

But let me first start by saying I am very much looking forward to the Boston Auditions. The accents, the big hair, and the serious presence of 90's fashion is all highly anticipated. Tuesday at 8/7 Central has been put aside.

Cell phone off.

Door closed.

Pajamas on.

I'm not kidding around here.

I made you say Under-Where

I have worked a combined 30 hours in the last two days. I'm not really tired, which is suprising. But then again, all I have done is gone to work, gone home, and, fairly immediately, gone to bed.

So I thought I was managing pretty well.

That was until I ran to the bathroom this morning to get rid of half of the morning coffee and realized that my underwear were inside out.

And backwards.

And a thong.

I remain perplexed as to why it took a visual to bring me to these realizations.

What does it take to get some attention around here

Greetings!

I read a few posts back and I'd like to apologize for being such a bummer lately.

I'm sure you all understand. And if you don't, well...fuck off then.

That said, I've made some changes up in herreeee. One of the changes was made a shor t time ago and no one has said a WORD. Hello?? Anyone out there? Does anyone care?

You've all given up on me, haven't you? HAVEN'T YOU?

I'm obviously an attention hog. If you weren't humoring that, you wouldn't be reading.

So you better notice today's change and say nice things.

(Please)

I don't know how they expect me to live like this

Ugh.

Another payday, another two weeks without money until the next payday. I smell a vicious cycle.

Since I've decided to stop complaining and feeling sorry for myself about the OTHER thing, I've moved onto complaining about money.

I don't have any.

In fact, I have even less now than I have ever had. Add to that, I have credit card debt. It isn't an insane amount, but it's there, hanging over my head and waiting to start collecting interest. I have until August to pay it off and it just isn't going to happen. So oh well, right? It's just money.

How does this happen? How am I making all this money and yet I still have none? What sick bastard came up with this plan?

Here's the rub: The more money you make, the more money you spend. It isn't something that happens on purpose. It sneaks up on you and all of a sudden, the largest amount of money you have ever earned up until this point in your life leaves your checking account as swiftly and quietly as it enters.

I started doing my taxes today. I love tax season. I love how everyone else is moaning and groaning and in a panic and I'm patiently awaiting that last 1098 so that I can get right to it. Perhaps this is because I have never actually had to pay taxes. And I'm fairly certain that I have yet to break any laws (fingers crossed). I like getting money back, so I claim the least amount that I can. Now, I'm not naive. I know that this will get much more complicated as I get older and I will slowly become one of the moaners and groaners and develop to the point where I pay someone else to do my taxes for me. BUT...until that day, bring on the refunds, baby!! I've done the rough math and it looks like a nice chunk of change is coming my way. Shhh...don't jinx it!!!

I probably shouldn't be talking about taxes in my blog. But whatever.

The reason I have money on the brain is firstly because I've paid all of my bills and I now have about .50 to live off of until the next time I get paid. But ALSO because we had somewhat of a family meeting today and I realized that, one fine day, there could be a whole lot of money coming to me. And the best part?? No one has to die!!! Isn't that fantastic?

But it will be a while. There is little to do about it right now, except to keep enjoying the new car smell and to continue to buy the generic Q-tips.

I suppose this is good news

I have a new primary care, Dr. Z, who is very nice and very thorough. She hooked me up with a neurologist this past Tuesday who sent me for MRI's (brain and neck) yesterday. The results are in and apparently there isn't a scratch on them. While this is fan-friggin-tastic news, it still doesn't help me to explain these symptoms that I'm still experiencing.

I'll go back to the neurologist (Dr. L) next week for "next steps." Some drugs had best be Step 1.

In the land of other news:
My job is still borderline skull-crushing and my boyfriend seems to have had some sort of mini-breakdown which I feel responsible for.

Oh yeah...I'm great.

She might as well be Dr. Pepper

Hello from the land of self-pity!

But really...I'm doing a whole hell of a lot better. With the support from family, friends and my amazing boy toy, I think I'll make it.

I know I sounded like a big HUGE baby last week so I told myself to shut up and stop being so fucking lame. So what if my left arm still feels pretty funny? I can still use it (for the most part). And so what if my job still rots? It's only temporary (hopefully). And so what if I won't see my boyfriend for another month? Isn't fondness supposed to make the heart grow stronger? (What does that even mean?)

Let's embrace this new year and focus on the positive, shall we? Taking control of the things I have the power to change. And having a fantastic sense of humor...and a wonderful support system (and I'm not talking about Victoria's Secret Body Bras).

That said, tomorrow I begin the quest to change my primary care physician (PCP to those familiar with the lingo) because she 1) sucks and 2) might as well be in Guam. I've had enough with her apathy and rushed visits. She makes enough money to at least pretend she has a heart.

And no...I don't have multiple personality disorder.

Yet.

Dearest Friends

Apparently my coping mechanisms have failed me. I've gotten myself into a place where I get so worked up about who knows what that I end up in the hospital because I can't use my left arm.

It's not my heart and it's not my brain. I'm just...crazy.

I'd love to have happy and unlifting news. And when I do, you'll be the first to know.

For now, I need to work on doing a better job of being a grown up. Wish me luck.

I promise it isn't for lack of trying

I wish I could report some uplifting news. I really do. I've been sitting here, trying to squeeze it out with the best of my ability. I've closed my eyes tightly and listened to relaxing music. I'm sipping chamomile tea. I may enjoy a mug of warm milk later. I've tried to visualize a sunny beach and inviting ocean water. I've done deep breathing. I've perfected my downward dog. I know my peace animal (Boston Terrier) all too well. I've crossed several tasks off of my to do list. I've written some emails to close friends. I've called my sister. I've watched hours of wonderfully mind-numbing television.

Nothing is working.

Lola, however, honks her hello.

Happy New Year?

I think I've gotten old. Only because I couldn't even stay up until 10pm last night, let alone midnight. Added to the fact that Nick and I were going to buy booze and party like rock stars here on the 6th floor but alas, we just didn't. I think we are both so exhausted from the past couple of weeks. It's nice to do nothing. And since he doesn't mind me lazing around his apartment in my best sweats for days on end, I guess that's just fine with me, too.

I don't have much news to report. Luckily, my luggage made it to Atlanta this time. I flew Delta, which is a very nice airline. Not that they had to try very hard to impress me.

I'm at Nick's right now, waiting for him to come back from the airport with a very adorable 4 year old. I haven't left the apartment today which I think is just fine but still feels weird.

I hope he remembers to bring me back that chocolate chip ice cream.