First of all, it's hot as hell. I'm not sure what is happening to me. I was always a pretty sweaty person, but recently it's even worse. I'm sweating like CRAZY.

It's not like I've never been through a summer before, or am not familiar with heat, humidity, stickiness, chaffing, etc. Been there, had all that.

But this summer has been markedly different. It's hard to describe the type of hot I experience. There is no relief for it and sometimes it makes me panic. I feel like one of those women you hear about having hot flashes, but only in the comedic way that had been beaten to death. Am I having hot flashes? It can't be...

But a few other things that are bothering me are:

1. Who the fuck are the marketing people at Six Flags? First it was that freaky old bald dancing bald guy who was so obviously not old OR bald. Now we have some cracked out Asian kid with his head in a circle talking about how many flags things are worth? WHAAAAT?

2. I love the Counting Crows as much as any fan, but Adam really needs to stop fucking whining. I downloaded the new album a while ago and hadn't listened to the whole thing until recently. I must have known in the back of my head that I would be disappointed with it. It's not that it's bad, it's just that Adam has been writing the same fucking songs for 10+ years now. We GET that you are a hot mess and can't hold onto a relationships. We GET that you are depressed ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Admittedly, I had really high hopes for the album when I saw them in concert last summer. Adam had been working out (and we know that physical activity is a proven quasi-cure for chronic depression) and he put on a great show. The few songs he did from the new album were promising. I thought maybe the new album would be like "Hard Candy," which is an absolutely amazing album.

3. Guess what, Madge? There is already an album called "Hard Candy." It came out over 6 years ago by a little band you might have heard of called the Counting Crows. Fire your marketing people. I can't believe I got suckered into spending $115 to see you at the Garden. Ugh.

That's all. I'm so hot.

Spoiler Alert! The one where the pug kills the baby

First of all, the biggest shout out ever to Donald for giving me one of the best, most thoughtful, and-for-no-reason presents EVER.

That's right, kiddies.

Donald found, by some miracle of Buddha, Seasons 4 AND 5 of Footballer's Wives.

It is quite the momentous occasion. So momentous, in fact, that I had my cousin come over yesterday for an emergency viewing session. We got through the first two episodes of season 4 (Tanya and Amber have their babies and then one of them dies at the paws of Amber's PUG. YES A PUG KILLED A BABY.) and made arrangements for her to come over again on Thursday for a continuation. It will take us a while, but I don't feel right watching it alone, and depriving her of the joy. And plus, it's much more fun to watch them with someone who appreciates the amazing outrageousness of it as much as I do.

Disclaimer: There is no menu and therefore NO subtitles. Shannon, the trashy wife of HOT Harley (it's ok to think he's hot, he is legal), is especially difficult to understand. Buuuuuuuuut we decided to make up what she was saying and were pretty sure it was dead on accurate.

So, thanks again Donald my love. You've made this girl monumentally happy.

Get the plunger

I love my landlords.

My kitchen sink clogged up yesterday and I panicked a bit. I couldn't do my dishes and we all know that dirty dishes cause chaos and we also all know that if I cannot properly manage the chaos, I will tweak. This applies to MANY upon many other things (loose trash, dirty clothes, dust bunnies, small specs of miscellaneous material, etc.)

Anyway, my landlords are super adorable and so nice and I feel like I've been bothering them a bit too much lately.

First was the day after they had left for Florida for 5 weeks back in March (time share) and my heat just stopped working. That took a couple days for them to patch up for a far. Good thing I had that space heater.

Then a few days ago, the cold water wasn't coming out of my washing machine. Turns out the hose was clogged. They fixed it right up.

And then the sink yesterday. They came over lickety split and it was all better!

Whenever they come to fix something, they always come together. He isn't so great with the English (they are "off the boat" Italian) so she does a bit of translating. Oddly enough, she speaks to me very slowly and loudly, like I'm elderly, or a small child.

My step mother endearingly refers to them as Lilo and Stitch which is very suitable, for various reasons.

They recently offered me my pick of the vegetables they are randomly growing on the side of the house however they have not yet told me that I can use the in ground pool.

Hrmmm. I wish they would do that. I hate to ask. I hate to be imposing.

When I discover that facebook is not so great for my mental well being

I've been up on facebook for a couple weeks now and it's really been a mind fuck. I've been seeing all of these people I went to high school with that I haven't seen since then, but also connecting with some current friends that I adore. I went looking for certain people because I was bored, really more bored than curious. Another reason I need a new job. When it comes to the ghosts in my life, ignorance really is bliss. People I haven't seen since age 18 have *shocker* continued to live their own lives without me watching. They got married and are having babies and some are even exactly the same.

Anyway...I went searching for one of my ex boyfriends, one I don't think I've ever talked about here. I found him, and now we're "connected" and all that. He was my "first" in a couple of ways, all the way back in the day. He's younger than I am (shocker, I know) and is seemingly traveling around the world and living the dream in the big city. It's so strange for me to think that he is the same person that I was once so madly and deeply in love with, so many years ago. Right now, it seems like a different life and I feel so tired from having lived it. And I can see he has changed, but he really looks exactly the same as he did almost 10 years ago. It's totally creepy and unsettling and gives me heart palpitations. How can so much time have passed, and each of us be so different, but really not have changed? And, much more importantly, why can't I let certain shit GO?

I might know the answer: He was part of shaping who I am, for better or for worse, and that's something I can't forget. And maybe I was that for him. But I should be proud of it because I've learned from every thing I've experienced, ex boyfriends included. And the past is past but it's healthy to visit once in a while. I just can't get stuck there for too long.

But I'm not looking for anyone else I'd rather not find.

Update: The guy my sister gave my number to (mentioned in a previously written post) ended up being a real shallow prick. I sent him some pictures via email and he waited about 4 days to write back that I "wasn't his type." I won't lie, it made me feel like shit. But then I realized that it doesn't really matter and it could have been worse. We could have ended up on a date, sight unseen, that would have been awkward and miserable. It might have put me over the edge. It's entirely possible.

Hi...is your mom home?

At work yesterday, I got a mysterious voice mail from a not so eloquent woman who claims she had sent me her resume and were we still looking to fill summer positions? She left an inaudible last name, no first name, and a phone number.

There were many things wrong with this voice mail:
1. Last time I checked, it was July 1st and the summer is in full swing.

2. I don't know your name. Why would I call you back?

Normally I wouldn't return this call, but I was kind of bored and curious about who like this exists in the world.

So I call and the same woman answers. I say who I am and where I'm calling from and I'm returning a call from this number, but the person didn't leave their first name. She apologizes. So I ask her what email address she used to send her resume. Then the fun began. It went something like this:

Me: What email address did you send your resume to?
Crazy Lady (CL): Well it's not my resume. It's my son, Jeremy.
Me: Ok (inaudible insult)...what email address did your son send his resume to?
CL: Oh I have that information in the other room. Would you mind just holding on for a minute?
Me: Ok.
CL: I have so many fans going, I can't hear you very well. Could you speak up?
Me: OK!
CL: Ok to hold?
Me: Yes!
CL: Thanks so much. Be right back.

Now at this point of the conversation, I am wondering a few things.
1. Who still owns a phone with a cord?
2. Why isn't Jeremy calling me himself?
3. How OLD is this woman and how old is Jeremy?

CL: Ok I'm back. thank you so much for holding. What was the name of your company again? I'm sorry I've just been making SO many phone calls today.

This is something you don't ever EVER say to a potential employer.

Me: My name is Stephanie and I'm calling from ________. What is your last name?

CL: It's _________.

Me: I haven't received any resumes from anyone by that name. Did you find the email address he used?

CL: Well....uhm...let me see here...he's really better at these email things than I am...

Me: Can I ask why he didn't call himself?

At this point, I'm scared of the answer I will get, but I"m pretty sure it will be lame. However, I was braced for something like "Oh he's deaf and mute and you're a horrible person."

CL: He isn't very good on the phone but he's much better in person. Are you still hiring for the summer?

Me: Well, we are in July now, so we are set with summer interns. We had them set up in the spring.

CL: Oh. He started looking then but...(inaudible)

Me: Let me give you my email address. Send his resume to me and I will keep it on file for next summer. Have him check in with me early next year. Ok?

CL: Oh thank you so much. So it's too late for this summer?

Me: Yes...and I think he needs to get over the phone issue. He needs to be able to speak for himself.

CL: Now, I don't undertand that.

Me: I'm sorry?

CL: Agencies call on behalf of people all the time, what's the difference?

Me: The employment agencies are offering a service to firms and their contractors are their employees. Do you employ your son?

CL: Well no but-

Me: Send me that resume and thanks so much.

CL: Ok thank you-
*I HANG UP*

Update: I have not received a resume.

Stand by Me

I started writing this post on Monday...

Ugh. Work today is just killing me.

I slept in half an hour late and drove to work. For whatever reason, I really thought that extra half an hour of sleep would change my life. No so much luck.

I like my outfit, if not only because it's comfortable and I don't think I'm bloated. That and my boobs are managing to restrain themselves today.

I kind of have a lot to cover, so let's begin.

1. Last week the shrink told me that we're completely recalibrating my pharmaceutical cocktail. At first I was really hesitant, because I've been on the same "new" medication for a few years now and when we've tried to change things up in the past, we've always ended up going back to old reliable. She thinks this new stuff is the wave of the clinically depressed cure future. I'll let you know.

2. I saw my ex, The Mailman (and his current girlfriend) for the first time in about a year and a half on Sunday. He used the word "beautiful" to describe me (while at the same time I was suffering from a severe case of swass) so it went pretty well. His current girlfriend is still a skank ho.

3. I turned down a date on Saturday. With a fitness instructor/social worker who thought I was a hot ticket. Why? I've turned over a new leaf. I'm seriously considering going cold turkey on dating for a while...like until my 28th birthday. I thought the idea was GREAT until...

4. Today (it's Tuesday now) I got a text message from a mysterious number telling me he had met my sister at Foxwoods and she had given him my number. He lives in the area and maybe we could get drinks sometime?

4a. There are several things wrong with this.
1. My sister and Foxwoods don't belong in the same sentence.
2. What the?

Turns out my sister WAS in fact (randomly) at Foxwoods (I did some detective work) and she did in fact give some random my phone number. I'm not mad...why bother. It's not like she does this all the time. OR ever. Apparently this guy is cute and so is his friend. I returned his text about an hour ago now and have not gotten a reply.

So now I ask: Uhm...why text some random chick and then when she texts you back, not return it? Perhaps he's in shock like "oh wow I never thought I would get a reply" or maybe he's trying to figure out what to write back to me. As you can tell, I'm already annoyed by this whole thing.

The only redeeming quality for all this is that my sister claims the following about this guy (and I quote): "His celebrity look alike is Jerry O'Connell"

For those of you not in the know, Jerr Bear has been looking SMOKIN' hot lately.

So yeah, I'll meet him...if I ever hear from him again.

If a coworker fell asleep, would hear their head hit the desk?

I get to sleep in a whole extra hour tomorrow. It's very exciting compared to the lack of anything else going on.

For whatever reason, today at work is particularly mind numbing. It's super quiet. I don't think anyone has spoken outloud in an hour, or at least not that I could hear.

It's very dark and ominous outside. It makes me want to curl up under my desk and use my flip flops as a pillow (they are cushy) and my skirt as a blanket (it has large pleats).

Meanwhile...what I do hear is a very slow and monotonous thumping. It's curious. I think it's a ghost.

The only emails I have gotten in the last hour have been spam. We have quite the spam problem here lately.

It's not as if I don't have things to do. There's filing and and a handbook to proof read. But who wants to do that shit?

I'm so bored I could cry.

Banana Phone

Yesterday found me out near Route 84 for a dance recital.

The theme of the recital (featuring THIRTY FOUR separate dance numbers!), was "Dear Diary." Most of the dances had nothing to do with a Diary, but I really have to give credit to the woman who puts this show together every year. She's had a dance studio for over 30 years and teaches kids of all ages all kinds of dance. Every year she has to come up with a different theme. I would definitely have run out by now and just starting using themes like "Fruit Chew Flavors" or "Between the cushions of my couch."

My darling niece (she's 7! can you believe it?!?) was in two of the 34 numbers; number 7 and number 31 to be exact.

Number 7 had the best set I think I've ever seen at a dance recital: A huge cardboard banana telephone booth with various actual size plastic bananas hung inside as "phones." The number was set to a song most aptly titled "Banana Phone." I think it was one of the strangest, cutest, most bizaar things I have seen in quite some time.

I'm almost speechless, obviously.

Hmmm...perhaps you are correct, Anonymous

Now, while any blog is typically, by nature, a self indulgent thing to have, a certain anonymous someone feels I am wrapped up in myself and has identified themselves (I think) as a "friend I used to have." I couldn't tell with the shoddy punctuation. But I'm almost CERTAIN I know who you are.

I did not publish this comment because it's an unfair judgment. If this person feels as though I have neglected them in some way, they should really just speak with me directly, instead of making an anonymous comment on my blog which has NEVER professed not to be self indulgent. Look at the title, for goodness sake!

I get the feeling that the person who posted it needs some attention. Happy now?

I almost didn't address this, because you know I detest drama. But you know what? It's the last fucking thing I need and I'm standing up for myself.

Julie Andrews would be so proud

I didn't want to post so much, only because I don't want it to be some depressing, dark, damaged entry about how my life just keeps sucking.

I'll try really hard to put a positive spin on it, just for you. Or not. Let's see what we get.

Perhaps I need to learn to accept that this is IT, this is the hand that I've been dealt and, for better or worse, I need to suck it up and deal with it. After all, I have medication to manage my freak outs and a variety of wonderful friends and family who are relentless in their support (Positive Spin #1).

For those of you who I haven't chatted with in some time: I do apologize. When I get like this, I tend to shut down and not want to say much to anyone (phone, text, email, you name it). It's my coping mechanism, I suppose. I'm learning more and more about myself each day (Positive spin #2).

In summary:

1. My job has turned into a full on witch hunt of sorts and, as a result, my faith in the general goodness of human nature has significantly faltered.
2. Whether it's due to living alone, or isolating myself because "no one understands me," it turns I'm terribly lonely, but not so much willing to do anything about it.
3. Some important relationships have taken quite the hit in the past year, to the point that it feels like my whole world has been turned on its head.

Then, a more recent blow:
While I took dating off the table to focus on the new job search, the new job search hasn't been going all that well (despite my best efforts, but only sometimes), so I took a gentleman caller up on an offer for a date. Well OF COURSE it hit me all of a sudden that I really like this guy and, long story short, he is emotionally unavailable and wants to be just friends. For whatever reason, this put me way over the edge, much further than it should of...and now I'm embarrassed and ashamed.

I don't think a new "friend" is a good idea right now. I hardly talk to my existing ones for fear that they will grow sick and tired of hearing about my depressing shit. And plus, I'll always have this hope that we'll be more than friends some day. And that sucks...like when I was 19 kind of sucks. No good.

So, we're back at square one, aren't we, Friends?

But the beginning is a really good place to start, right? (that's #3)

I'm not sure if it's sad...or it just is what it is

I have a new guilty pleasure. It's call Footballer's Wives and it's AWESOME. For the first time ever, I have had to ask myself if I can watch BBC America with my current cable subscription and if not HOW DO I GET IT.

First of all, I would like to concurrently thank and curse my cousin for introducing me to this. Curse because 1. It's a time suck (what isn't?) when I'm supposed to be looking for a new job at every waking moment 2. It is so amazing, that when it's over (there are currently only three seasons, 8 episodes each, available on DVD via Netflix. The current season, #5, is the LAST season.), I will be so utterly depressed that there is no more. I would like to thank her, and tell her I love her, for the same two reasons.

JOAN COLLINS is in the last season. Whoa.

Meanwhile...the new summer intern at work is sitting next to me and must think I do nothing all day. Don't know why she would think that...In the last hour, I have printed out directions to my interview (see below), read all of Go Fug Yourself AND researched my new beloved addiction (see above). That's some solid work to me.

Good news: I have a phone interview on Thursday and an in person interview on Monday.

Hooray! Rejoice!

Reason #976 why I should never leave my apartment

I went to the gym last night. Good for me. Second time this week.

On my way back to my car after a mediocre work out, I notice upon approach of Lola that she was blocked in. Now...I wish I could draw you a diagram of the situation, but I'll do my best to be descriptive. On the side lot of my gym, there is a really ghetto auxillary parking lot. When the gym is busy during the week, cars tend to go into this overflow section because it's closer to the entrance than parking at the back of the lot. And plus, the back of the larger lot is next to this adandoned lot which is kind of sketchy when it gets dark.

ANYWAY, in this particular overflow area, there aren't marked parking spots, so you just kind of pull in behind another car and then everyone else follows in a row. It usually works out just fine. Well, last night FOUR different idiots decided to make a THIRD row which, as you may have guessed, blocks those people in the middle in. One of those blocked cars was my Lola.

It didn't take long for the mess to get straightened out. I think the funniest part of the evening was the reaction of one of my fellow blocked in gym mates. At first glance, he seemed like a sensible guy, but with each second that went by (in a total of ten minutes), he got more and more agitated by the situation, and at an accelerated rate. Sure, it was annoying. But what can you do? Just deal with it and wait...why get all upset? He kept repeating "I have to BE somewhere!" and passing back and forth and checking his phone. I was like "Dude, where do you have to be in your swim trunks, flip flops and muscle shirt?" Hrmm. He didn't so much like that question.

So when we were leaving, I asked him if needed help backing out, because he was in the middle of the pack and the manuevering may have been a bit tight. You know...me being a nice person. It happens from time to time. But he already didn't like me, and he huffed and puffed and said: "What would I need YOUR help for?"

Well...nevermind then.

right...about....there

So I stayed awake last night, tossing and turning.

I'm bored again.

You know the drill. After about a month of taking a "break" from dating, I get the itch again.

Now that some harrowing work events have come to a close for the foreseeable future, my job has gone back to sucking just enough for me not to be all that motivated to find a new one. I've come back full circle from utter misery to simple complacency.

It is terribly hard for me to get motivated lately. And that applies to everything: going out with friends, getting to the gym, job searching, grocery shopping, dating...everything seems to require way more effort than I'm willing to expend. So I end up at home, in my absolutely stellar apartment, usually going about my daily routine and quite happy about it.

Now I must clarify.

I'm not living in filth or anything. I haven't stopped obsessively cleaning/organizing/putting away or showering or going to work. It's just that when I'm home, I really don't want to leave. And just the thought of going anywhere after work except home/couch, leaves me exhausted. I can't get my work clothes off fast enough when I get in the door. There is a trail of them up the stairs and into the bathroom. My shut in warbrode is getting quite a bit of use.

But I've digressed. And definitely contradicted myself. If I'm saying I don't have the energy/motivated to do much, then why would I want to open up the dating can of worms again?

Great question. I'm not sure of the answer.

Alas...Bored. Dating. Continue...

So last night, while tossing and turning, I was thinking about how I would pen a new "dating profile." It occured to me that maybe I should just write about why I like things, rather than a laundry list of what those things are, or a list of the character traits I believe I possess. Can I really explain, eloquently and genuinely, why I find the majority of reality television to be an actual study on the vast human psyche, which also happens to be extremely entertaining when done right? Or will it just come across that I am a one dimensional couch potato?

T vomit

I really don't have anything new and exciting to tell you. Things are the same.

Yesterday was very humid and the T was supah miserable.

I usually walk the mile or so to the Orange Line instead of jumping on the Red, which is closer to work, but yesterday I took the Red. You see...it was very hot and sticky and I was wearing a skirt. Do I need to say more?

Well, I get on the Red and immediately smell vomit...that smell that you just cannot mistake with anything else. And I look...and it's all over the seat that I'm standing across from. So these two sassy black girls get on after me and start going all "Girlfriend!" about the puke, which is hilarious, and almost makes it all worth it.

So then this snobby Asian girl gets on and is all "Can you PLEASE move in more?" when the train is completely packed and her skinny ass should just wait for the next fucking train. (Everyone acts like there will NEVER be another train to come and that THIS train is the LAST train that will EVER take them home EVER) The sassy black girls were about to warn her about the puke but then were like "Uh uh bitch! Not with that attitude!" Oh...it was so awesome. I was dying.

Anyway...the snobby girl puts her hand DIRECTLY on the railing that is covered in puke and then touches her hair. The sassy girls and I are hysterical.

Sigh...it was so great. Proof that there is justice in the world.

Yummy!

Look at those legs! Pick the D. Cook video...Obvi.

http://www.guitarhero.com/idol/

Surprise!

I have never loved being this wrong.

I will admit I thought the finale was SUPER painful, of what I actually saw. I went to bed half way through...right after the train wreck that was the Brian Adams resurrection, which was preceded by the drugged Diane Summer disaster. I did DVR the rest of it, and will most likely fast forward through all of it until the winner announcement.

My man won! As DC points out, this will make it signigicantly more difficult for me to bed him. But because of my selfless nature, I don't so much mind.

Could he have made a better album if he came in second place? Most definitely. Will he still do fairly well for himself? Of course. Just look at my girl Kelly.

But he looked very happy and humble...and all good words that start with "H."

I very much wish it was Friday. This week is taking forever.

Idol blah

So little Archuleta is going to win. This I know...

I'm still disappointed because I really want Cook to win. But it would be a big upset and people would yell and scream and protest.

Alas...I still want D. Cook's hot ass.

New pants update

Yes, they came in the mail last week. Have you been dying for the conclusion? It occured to me today that I haven't written in over a week. Whoops!

Blah...They didn't fit.

Waaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

However...I returned them to store and found another pair I like even more. I'm planning on buying them online in another color. So for now, the pants problem has been partially solved.

No, I didn't get that job I had mentioned.

But it's ok...I only cried for 4 hours instead of 8.

I'm tired of using technology

Ok...yesterday and today have been entirely new experiences for me on the technology front.

I know you've all heard of phone sex. I've never really been able to get into it, save a handful of times, as I have had lots of long distance boyfriends.

But text sex? Oh good lord. I'm into it...and then some.

The identity of the recipient will for now remain anonymous. I just hope that actions speak louder (or...ok...maybe just as loud) as words.

It's become evident

My blog has been pretty lame lately.

Maybe it's my life as a shut in. I don't have any decent material anymore because stupid, annoying people do not pierce my bubble nearly as often. And those that do are at work, and I can't really go into detail on that (so unfortunate).

I'm obviously feeling a bit insecure. Here's why: I just bought a couple hundred dollars worth of pants on gap.com. I definitely had my fingers crossed when I hit the "submit order" button. I have a vague idea that they might fit but let's be honest...it was a random and careless thing for me to do. Especially since I used the recently paid off credit card. Whoops.

All this...and who knows how much longer I will be gainfully employed.

My prediction: The pants will come in the mail and I will either 1. Wear them a few times, trying to convince myself that I made a wise retail decision, but be uncomfortable the entire time because they are baggy everywhere they aren't supposed to be or 2. Put the pants on and be just thrilled and pat myself on the back for an (actual) wise retail decision (I did get 10% off) OR finally 3. Try them on, realize they don't fit at all and then suck it up and either return them at an actual store(which is what all this was supposed to help me avoid in the first place) or in the mail.

Let's pull for option two. Let's pull REAL hard. I need this break.

the world would be so much better if everyone were more like me

I am surrounded by crazies and idiots.

Work continues to suck my soul. It's found a new and creative way to do so...color me impressed.

I have a second interview tomorrow for a job I REALLY want, right in downtown. They even gave me homework, so those of you who know me well know that homework for a job interview is right up my alley. Nerd Alert!

I know this is asking for something without offering to give anything (you should be used to it be now), but I could use some good vibes to counteract the incredibly crazy volume of bads ones.

Exhibit A: See above reference to WORK.

Exhibit B: I've been trying to "hang out" with this one guy I met at a party a couple of weeks ago, but to no avail. It seems incredibly difficult. He has been deemed insane. I second that.

Exhibit C: More on the man front, the creepies and crawlies are really coming out of the woodwork lately. I need to get that magnet removed...

Thank you to all, but especially to AC (down with the poisoned cream!), CM (your voice mails keep me going) and my dearest Donald (I miss you more than you miss me...duh) for your recent and wonderful support, despite my being a thoroughly miserable bitch...albeit a thoroughly miserable bitch with fantastic hair.

what the...?

I swear things like this only happen to me.

Volunteer guy has a girlfriend. Just weird.

And you were doing so well!

I really thought I had gotten over the hump yesterday. I had a kick ass interview and they want to see me back for a second round. The job, the company, the money, the location...it would all be great for me. A (young) guy I met while volunteering went out of his way to contact me (and you know how much I love male attention).

Things were looking up.

Then, once again, the shit hit the fan. It seems to happen way too often lately. I should be absolutely covered in splattered poo by now.

Today I saw, with my own eyes, a complete betrayl of my trust. Someone who I thought had been my friend, my true blue, and a constant, has actually been playing me all along.

To say that I am confused is an understatement. I don't know what to believe, or what pieces of the truth were told to me. It's a complete mind fuck, and I want OUT.

And yes, you guessed it, it has to do with my increasingly dysfunctional, soap opera-esque J-O-B.

the drama finds me...again

I'm sorry about the lapses in posts. When I'm quiet, I know it makes some of you cranky, nervous, anxious...My drama is like crack to some of you apparently.

Today was a killer of a day...I've had too many of them lately.

My boss, and subsequently another key member of his staff, are both done here effective today. They both technically "resigned" but were really more fired. The way they've gone out could have been handled much better from their end. MUCH better. They've put me, and another remaining colleague, in an awkward position. It's not pleasant and we're both really irritated. The events of today leave me to assist with a messy clean up.

I'm completely on edge. I want to get out of this absolutely insane excuse for a work place, but I haven't quite reached the point with any propects where it's safe for me to leave. By safe I mean being able to jump from this income to another. I've got some things lined up but they require frequent leaves of absence from the office. As much as I don't care for my current employers, I still hate lying in general about my whereabouts. Doctor's appointments, car trouble, and family "emergencies" are all wearing thin. To make me feel even worse, one of the owners today told me that they "trust" me. Oye.

So I've already tried to brainstorm on the story that will go along with my notice. I've already planted the seed that working here doesn't necessarily fit in with my career goals. I didn't outright say I was looking for another job, but I did hint that I wasn't 100% happy, even before the beginning of the current downward spiral. When (and if) the new job offer comes and I weigh the pros and cons and eventually accept, I will tell the owners here that an old recruiting contact who is now at such and such a place has the perfect opportunity for me. This opportunity is much more focused on what I really want to do, so no hard feelings and by the way, I did my interview on a Saturday and never took work time to tend to personal business... Obviously I'm still trying to fine tune it.

My heart has been in my throat all day. In addition, a guy that I met last weekend that I really like and had fun with is turning out to be quite the pussy. But it's OK. I'm not dating right now anyway.

So send me all your positive thoughts. I need them now more than ever.

Barf

I partied last night. I didn't go to bed drunk, and I didn't really FEEL out of control drunk throughout the evening, yet I am still hung over today. I've been nauseous all day, and haven't left the house. Oh the indecency!

But I had a FANTASTIC time, probably the most fun I've had in quite some time. The difference between last weekend and this weekend is very different and for a couple of reasons.

I told one of the owners at the crazy farm where I work that I was "thinking about the direction I wanted to go in" i.e. IF I wanted to stay employed where I am. It's not so important that she know I already made the decision. What matters is that I handled myself really well and her reaction was very reasonable. I'm fairly certain that's because she wants to be rid of me anyway. At the end of our hour and a half long discussion, during which I really needed a shovel for all the bullshit I was hearing, I felt both relieved and dirty. I was fake, I lied through my teeth and I pretended I didn't want to reach across the table and slap her.

No bridges were burned and I remained composed. Good for me...

Get out the blazers and high heels

Hmmmm pudding...

Oh sorry.

It's interview time!

I went to a staffing group today that specializes in my particular brand of professionalism. They seem to want to work for me. I'll make an appointment with another. There seems to be an upswing in interest in me (ok, I was hungry for any interest at all), which is good because, as you may have read in a few posts back, I was feeling very much rejected, in multiple ways.

But it's never taken me long to bounce back. This time is no different. I'll keep you updated on the job search.

(Hmmm David Cook...I'm SO happy they fixed his hair. Paper bag no longer needed.)

Glamour Puss

Andrew Lloyd Webber. Hmmm...He looks like a toad. However, he uttered a phrase I had forgotten I loved and that is "Glamour Puss." So worth it, just for that.

Obviously I'm watching Idol from last night.

And I've concluded, although I already knew, that Broadway is hard to sing. It makes me have a bit more respect for Johnny Depp, Madonna, all the people in Hairspray..etc. etc. You get my point.

I'm only half way through and yet to see He Who Is Most Utterly Fuckable, so I'm not really paying attention. Everyone has bit it so far as far as I'm concerned.

Brooke? I don't like her. She restarted the song. Big no no. Even I know that.

Blah...they are all dead to me. Except one.

I just got a little excited

I found a Senior Recruiter job posted on Monster for a creative firm. This is a job I'm perfect for. Here's hoping that I get a phone call.

The bad news: I think it's in Rhode Island. Waaah Waaaa.

puffy eyes

For a couple of months now, I think the fall out from dating and a bad job has gained some serious negative momentum, which all was leading up to what happened yesterday.

Friday night, I put a voice mail into 30 something Match. I was sick of waiting to hear from him and wondering what the fuck his deal was. I thought he liked me, I definitely liked him. Friday night I also went on a "date" which, due to all fault of my own, ended awkwardly. I feel terrible about it, because I think I may have sent out a vibe as confused as I was. I was exhausted and didn't know what to do with myself besides takes action. So I made the call to 30 something.

Hindsight, as always, is 20/20. The signs were there that 30 something Match just wasn't that into me, or dating in general, even before we went out on our first date. I shouldn't be shocked that the return call ended in the realization that I would not see 30 something Match again. Yet, it still knocked the wind right out of my already limp sails (hooray for forced metaphors).

After a hellish couple of weeks at work, and doing everything I could to hold my shit together, I broke down...and in a fucking nail salon. The phone call, while not the entire reason, was certainly part of the reason, and definitely a catalyst. AC, bless her heart, was there to tell me that it was OK to just leave and lose it. And that's exactly what I did. I curled up on my couch, sobbing fetal style, and wished, more than anything, I could call my mommy. Because in the end, my deep desire to just be loved is what my insecurity and fear of rejection all boils down to. I look at every guy and every date to save me from myself...and that is so completely fucked up. I'm still searching for unconditional love in all the wrong places.

I just deactivated my Match account, turned off all email alerts and made my profile private. Until my account is truly expired at the end of May, I should have taken care of any temptations in the mean time.

I can't do this anymore. I can't keep putting myself out there to look for something that is too much to ask from an intimate relationship. Yesterday was yet another lesson in this, and I think it's finally sunk in. I need to figure out what makes me happy and be secure in myself before I try to find happiness in someone else. Doing it any other way will just lead to more of me eating girl scout cookies on my couch and blubbering off and on with all my shades drawn, while it is a gorgeous day outside.

While I feel good about my decision and I know it's the right thing to do, the loneliness is hitting me harder than ever. I am scared shitless.

To some of you, this all may sound a bit doom and gloom...even unnecessarily melodramatic. But my intention is not for anyone who reads to worry.

I'll be ok. Just give me a couple days in my pajamas watching bad reality TV and even worse romantic comedies, while simultaneously trying to find a new job, and I should be right as rain.

Dating and men are OFF the table until I get my shit together. And this time I mean it.

I just can't wait

Still no call from 30 something Match man. I know you were all curious. I re-read my last post and apparently it was a bit confusing to some. Hrmmm. My apologies.

I'm all whatever about it, you know? If it's not meant to be it's...not.

In other news, I have Monday off and this particular Friday cannot go by fast enough. I have lots to keep me busy so I'm about to get to it...and do it to it.

Hugs and all that...

Updates!

Work totally ROTS. My boss resigned yesterday and he's pretty much the best thing I've got going here. I hope it's the beginning of the end for me. Now I am slated with the task of having to find his replacement. Awkward!

I wasn't expecting to hear from 30 something Match last night, as our date was less than 24 hours previous. But I won't lie...I was hoping I would hear from him. But there's the rub (thank you, Pessimist Prime, for reminding me how absolutely versatile this saying is): Hope and Expectations in this brain of mine seem to be one in the same. I already know one of his hesitations: his schedule and my schedule don't mesh so much. He is up all hours of the night doing whatever he does. But I'm not about to feel bad about going to bed at 10pm (or earlier) when I have to get up at 530 during the week. Will I be flexible on this? Sure...but only if I get the same amount of willingness in return. That's the way it should work and, despite my loneliness on the male companionship front, I will not be that girl who gives and gives and gives and GIVES and gets so little in return. I would rather be alone than have my head fucked with like that again.

Amen and Hallelujah to THAT!

Honey

After some serious reservations with going on a date with 30 something Match guy, we did meet up last night. He picked me up at work...in his CAR. Granted, it's a shitbox, but it's still a car.

He's spacey and loses track what day it is. He is in no way a linear thinker. I'm pretty sure he's not so great with money. He's a perpetual student.

He's smart, interesting, wonderfully strange, funny, witty and above all, cute as hell.

What is a girl to do...but wait to see if he calls.

young as you feel

My new temp told me a few different times today how young I look. I think she was expecting some stuck up manager type...surprise! I told her compliments would get her everywhere.

Anyhow...it's more and more apparent to me that I AM still very young. I may feel old and tired and...OLD but I'm not. Hooray!

But speaking of my look, I seriously need some new and better pictures of me on Match. Photo shoot!!

complete insanity

I need to be brief. Today is crazy.

I spent most of the weekend stressing about how today would go. All in all, it wasn't too bad. It went by very fast, which is all a girl can hope for.

The walls seems to be crumbling down around me here at the ole office and I am proud to say that when worse comes to worse, I've been the rock. For a while there, I may have forgotten, however briefly, just how tough I am.

30 something Match has been completely MIA since I spoke with him a week ago. We had made plans to go out tomorrow (Tuesday) night but I am beginning to think I've been blown off.

Instead of feeling sorry for myself and using the phrase "die alone" in a sentence, it's safe to say this happened for a reason.

I should really be focusing 100% on the following things (in no particular order):

1. Finding a new, fabulous, amazing and high paying job in a recession
2. GO TO THE FUCKING GYM more than once a week
3. Think about loooooooooong hair
4. Nesting at home
5. The wonder that is DVR
6. Reading more...books, magazines, whatever
7. Figuring out why I break out like I never did in high school
8. Staying better in touch with friends and family
9. Get a hobby
10. Have more fun
11. Save more money
12. Volunteer time and money much MUCH more to worthy causes
13. Find the perfect mascara
14. Stop avoiding Sudoku. Everyone's doing it...
15. Crosswords!

....

I'm just going crazy now.

Love to all.

Shit!

So I'm home on a Friday night, looking for a new job. I don't know whether that's sad or ambitious. Maybe a little bit of both.

Unfortunately, it seems to be slim pickings, which makes me very, very nervous. I think just one phone call or email back to show some interest in my resume would make me feel a little better, even if it is for something waaaay lame. At least then I know someone is reading it.

It's a bit strange because it's never been difficult for me to find a new job. Does that sound arrogant? Forgive me...

All of a sudden, it's a challenge and it's completely freaking me out. Any thoughts of sticking it to my current employers before finding another j-o-b have very quickly left me. I need to keep what I have so that I don't lose my cushy pad. I don't have nearly enough money saved to live off for for any extended period of time. No way am I wracking up the credit card debt after just paying it all off. I have to stop being silly.

In other news, Match seems to be just dead weight. Focus moves 100% to career.

Everyone is taking crazy pills...again

So I have this temp. She's nice enough, does a decent job. But turns out she's TOTALLY insane. Like whoa. But I'm getting someone new in here on Monday.

Also, topping today's list of annoyances:
When you tell another person something...like say you heard someone else say something, and that is all you heard. And then they keep asking you questions about this situation, even though you have already made clear that you only know certain details about said situation, all of which you have already told them.

A comment on comments

It has been pointed out to me that making comments on my postings is a tad challenging. I really do apologize, but it is the only way. This shit is free, after all.

Keep at it...I know you don't have anything better to do.

*wink*

Apologies

I am sorry I've been so cranky lately. Work is obviously getting me and turning me into a super bitch.

I called in to work today and have slept most of the day away. I need to go to the gym and look for a new job. I need to stop whining.

Two dear friends, in their own unique ways, recently reminded that shit isn't so bad. In fact, things are pretty fucking good.

In addition, 30 something Match guy, previously mentioned, had not called because, in short, I'm a complete idiot. Luckily, he emailed and I've since cleared the air.

He's a busy little bee, so we can't meet until early next week. I'll keep you updated, of course.

Bitch-tastic

Yes, I have a boss man here. He's nice, a father figure type. He gets on my nerves from time to time with his high and mighty tendencies but overall, he's a good dude.

I went into his office today and got a talk to about how I need to be applying for jobs everyday to get out of here, stop feeling sorry for myself and do something about it. It was a good little chat.

Neither my mood or physical condition have improved from yesterday. If anything, both have gotten worse. So I'm doing my best to put my head down and get things done and waiting for the day to end.

New 30 something Match guy has not returned my call from Saturday night, so I'm already counting him for dead. Don't email me and call me and say you want to go out to dinner with me and then NOT return my call. LAAAAAAAME. Maybe he's just busy, you say? Well if he's too busy to call me, he's too busy to date me. Oh...and I cancelled my Match account again. Isn't it a wonderful rollercoaster ride?

OH BY THE WAY...I went through all the trouble of re-activating the comments feature and no one has fucking commented. Start it up, or I'm turning it off again. That's not a threat, that's a PROMISE.

Misery...although not entirely

Warning: If you are a bit queasy or scared of TMI (that's "too much information" for those of you not in the know), you may not want to read today's post. I'm not holding back.

First off, I have a RAGING yeast infection. I haven't had one in quite some time and it's really coming at me with a vengeance. I am so miserable and I know I have a "my crotch really itches but I can't itch it so I am going to whince and scrunch up my face in hopes that it helps with the pain and agony" look on my face. Those who are observant may have already noticed. There is only so much some special cream and frequent trips to the ladies room can do for me right now.

Secondly, a new Match crush may have fizzled out before it started. I hate being the last one to leave a voice mail. I hate the game. I haven't even met this guy yet but I have already started to like him. As in...I'm actually excited to go out on a date with him and meet him, rather than dreading it. He seems very busy (going to school and working) and I'm unsure if he really has the time to date. I like lots of attention, after all. Who knows...I guess only time will tell. Stats: early 30's, designer, lives in Boston, originally from the South.

In other news...I got a $185 haircut yesterday for $50. I'm not sure how much different a haircut that expensive is from say a $30 haircut...I'll let you know as it grows out.

A new favorite thing

Enjoy.

This little lady is very excited

I recently found out that one of my nearest and dearest friends is making her way back to the east coast (after being on the west coast for over two years!)this summer. This thrills and excites me to no end. I miss her dearly and cannot wait to have her a mere 8 hour car ride away. Hooray!

In other news...it's 8:30am and I have a severe lack of motivation. What will get me through the next two days will be the decadent thought of sleeping as late as I want on Saturday. Oh joyous day!

I am very sleepy and must have more coffee.

And I've scratched my leg on my desk...again. :(

Jesus and Gravity

Oh it makes me sad to write this.

I'm not a girl to say a bad word about the legend and wonder that is Dolly Parton.
She's the 8th World Wonder. She wouldn't say a bad word about anyone and is the sweetest woman I think in the entire world. And...she's the same size as Ryan with heels on.

However, my girl Dolly isn't sounding great tonight.

Good thing I'm already going to hell, right?

When is someone taking me to Dollywood?

In Match news, another architect wrote to me. I bet he still lives with mommy and daddy, too.

drama mama

Lately, I find myself in high drama situations. Mostly at work.

Because I'm allergic to drama and hate it and avoid it at all costs, it drains me to the point of exhaustion when I'm forced to deal with it, unnecessary and copious amounts of it, everyday.

That leaves little space for my own drama, or the drama of those I love. But I don't have the room for more.

While I'm not in the business of blogging much too much about work, I really can't help it. I'm not naming names, so I think it will be ok.

It will be ok...it will be ok...it will be ok...

Oh! Sorry...

Anyway...

I work for some strange people who are highly intelligent, but completely socially retarded. On a daily basis, I find myself butting heads with them because they don't even realize they lack social graces. That, and they are ridiculously petty and I think this is because deep down, they are hugely insecure.

I know I tend to psycho-analyze...but usually if I spend enough time with someone, I can get it right on the money.

Attention hog who is a a bit (or more) immature? Probably the youngest child in a 3+ child family. Check.

Nit picker who always find faults in everyone else but never in themselves? Deeply insecure, self involved and usually shallow (tends to be female and sometimes overweight/homely). Check.

Socially awkward, rude, arrogant, interrupting type? Most likely bullied when they were a child for being a nerd and now plays his personal vendetta out in his professional life. Check.

I'm not always right, but I'm usually close. When I think about trying to psycho analyze myself, that is...if I didn't err know myself...it gets harder.

I am a bit insecure, but not necessarily catty or arrogant. I am however stubborn and usually try to make people see things my way. I'm the youngest child, but also the only child, so that may make me a bit of an attention hog (true on some occasions) and definitely makes me a smart ass, although I prefer the term "sassy" which may fall into the same category as sarcastic and semi petty.

So maybe it does work on me, too. HA!

Why can't some girls be boys?

I've posted an email from AC below, who I often wish was a boy I could date, but I understand that some of you may need some back story.

Do all of you remember when I dated the postal worker? I'm not even sure I ever wrote about it. At any rate...I did, he kind of sort of dumped me, and is now dating some skanky whore. I haven't seen him in over a year, since he started dating her BEFORE he broke up with me.

At any rate...my precious AC is soon to have a birthday and aforementioned postal man (and said skanky whore) will be in attendance. I told her I was a bit hesitant to attend, as I don't want to feel like the "single loser." She had this to say:

Feel like a loser in front of those two?

Seriously?

Get your shit together and think about what you just said.

Those two idiots deserve each other and you should be happy you got out of it when you did. They might not even come. She is hating me again.

You are infinitely better then him and she is not even remotely comparable.

<3.

Isn't she darling?

Back by popular demand

Loyal readers,
I've re-enabled my comments feature. You'll to be subject to word verification and my review of your comment before it's posted, but this will greatly reduce spam comments on my end, which is why I disabled the comments feature in the first place.

So...comment away. You know the narcissist in me loves the attention.

Big love,
S

p.s. Big shout out to Pessimist Prime. If anything, I'm inspirational.

Oh Britney

My DVR is set to record all of the old Saturday Night Lives that E! runs on a regular basis. Most of these SNL's are selected from seasons that had some classic episodes.

One of the episodes my precious DVR recorded is hosted and musically guested by Britney Spears. It's from 2002 and it's absolutely hilarious. Sure, the cast at that time has something to do with it, but Britney looks amazing. It's like some weird time capsule...it feels like 20 years ago. XTina was still...XTina. 9/11 was still fresh and Jimmy Fallon was (questionably) funny.

What happened?

I'm starting to believe that her manager DID drug her. I mean...she fell a looong way from the top. Remember when she and JT were dating? I had totally forgotten that happened! Let's try to forget that Justin still had his weird two-toned fro.

Sure, her back up singers are exponentially better than she is but...look at her bod! Look at her hair! Look at her skin! She looks so fucking good!

In case you didn't know, Brit Brit and I are very close in age.

So that got me thinking...

I feel very different from how I think I felt 6 years ago, but how accurate is that? I'm a bit older, definitely more bitter and certainly jaded. But am I really different?

I know I feel better about myself. Maybe more confident? And lately I've started to feel that growing out my hair was a very good decision. I think I even look different...maybe even better? Could I be improving with age?

Doesn't it seem like an eternity ago? Sigh. Maybe I'm the only one that feels this way.

But Britney! Sweetie...what happened?

Family fun and so much more

Today sucked. The rest of this week will suck. Oh yeah, I'm trying to think positive.

So yesterday was Easter and I went to my sister's. I hadn't seen her or the kids since Christmas, so it was long overdue. I hate that her kids are like little extended speakers of what she's thinking. For example: My teenaged neice said this to me when I walked in the door "Hey stranger, we haven't seen you in a while. Where have you been?" It took quite a bit of effort on my part NOT to say "Well gee, no one invited me out here and I live an hour and a half away now and I have my own life sooooo....what do you have to say about THAT you little BRAT?"

All of a sudden, the responsibility of being an Aunt it kind of too much for me. Why do I need to feel guilty? It's not like I don't buy them presents on their birthdays. And plus, my sister and brother in law have all of them so busy that my only option lately for visiting is to attend an indoor soccer game (UGH) or take the chance of running into my mother (double UGH)...or both of those things. I'm just so sick of being made to feel like I'm the bad guy.

Now what you've all been waiting for:
So Friday night's date with GRT was pretty much a bust. We met a little early for drinks, he downed two Jack and Coke's and was quickly drunk, because has the stature of a...gay russian teen. His voice was still cracking all over the place (nerves, puberty, whatever) and he kept looking at me like I was crazy, when I said the most inane things. Or at least to me they were inane. Then we went to dinner, which was kind of awkward because he's a soft talker and it was a loud (and small) Italian restaurant. I gave up asking him to repeat himself after a while and just started nodding and talking more. We started to get into talking about movies and actors and stuff, which was cool and kept my interest, but it REALLY bothered me that he was only eating the inside of the crusty bread they brought us to munch on. He wasn't eating the crust, which is the best fucking part. I asked if his Mom used to cut off the edges of his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for him and he looked at me, dumbfounded and said "No...why do you ask?" Then I looked from him to the bread carcasses and back again, trying to give him a hint and he still wasn't tuning in. Painful.

Then it was 9ish and he asked if I wanted to have another drink at his place. I was all, yeah whatever...mostly because I was interested in seeing his apartment, because he lives IN the North End and I had never been into an apartment in the North End...and I had a feeling it would be a pretty sweet place. I was right. Other than that, you may think that accepting an invitation back to his place was leading him on. I disagree.

Then it got really awkward. We were sitting on his couch and I was drinking beer out of a can (classy) and feeling not so fresh, mostly because I had come straight from work and it's 80 degrees in my office, which turns me into a big sweat monster as the day wears on because I...you know, actually move around. Then he does the ole yawn and stretch move to put his arm over me (like we are at the drive in and it's 1955) and uses his hand to turn my head towards him. Then he lays one on me and I almost throw up in my mouth. Why was I so revolted? I'm not sure. It might have had something to do with the fact that he was about the same size as my 11 year old nephew. (Ok, as crazy as this is, GRT is actually calling me AS I WRITE THIS). So, I needed to think fast. I didn't want to completely crush this kid, because he was polite and nice, and he did refuse any assistance in paying for dinner. I came up with a "You know, I should go. I'm really stressed out about work and I'm not completely here, it's not fair to you blah blah blah." Then the creepy shit starts to happen. He starts telling me about how lonely he is because he's been on a boat for four months (he's in one of the armed ocean forces) and he starts begging me to stay and make out with him. He literally said "You should stay and make out with me. It's ok. Please?!"

I left SO fast, it isn't even funny. I didn't even know where I was going or how to get back to the T (not so familiar with North End) but I didn't care. I just needed to get out.

Upon figuring out where I was (who knows how), I felt kind of guilty and dirty and just...bad. I was so sad for him, and sad for myself. Because this is just one of many of these terrible first dates.

Ugh.

Match-tastic

I did end up calling Babyface the other night. He sounds just like he looks. I could swear his voice was cracking a little. I think I make him nervous. Sigh.

Today is dragging, and I'm sure will continue to drag. I'm going from here to the date, which reminds me that I need to figure out how the hell to get there.

I went shopping last night and made some cute purchases. I was so sick of my clothes, and I needed some new pieces.

I'm so tired, I just want to sleep. I got about 3 hours of sleep the other night. Don't get me wrong, it was worth it (in a PG kind of way) but I'm not used it, and I'm getting old, so it kicked my ass. It was with another Match guy, the one that I told you I can't really talk about. But I like him...kind of a lot.

Uh oh.

babyface

I have a date on Friday with a 25 year old...who looks 16. Rosy cheeks and everything. My baby brother says he looks like a GRT (gay russian teen)...I couldn't agree more (while laughing and clutching my stomach). Lovely former roommate says he is adorable.

We have only emailed, which makes me nervous. I have his number though and I am calling him tonight to make sure his voice doesn't crack.

Now, I know what you're thinking...25?!?!? And I know. Here's the thing...he's won me over with his witty, well written emails. I'm a sucker for complete sentences and punctuation! Oh, and the fact that he did something a bit more creative than just call me "cutie" about 8 times.

I will let you know the outcome, of course.

P.S. Idol SUCKED ASS last night. Don't ever EVER do the same theme two weeks in a row again, Simon!

The Arrogant Doogie Howser, not so much MD

Oh boy. I'm not entirely sure where I should start. At the beginning I suppose.

I met a guy through Match before I went on vacation. We'll call him Doogie for simplicity sake. He's originally from the Midwest and a first year surgical resident. We had a very awkward phone conversation about three days before I left for Florida and I thought I would never hear from him again. When my plane touched down in West Palm and I turned my phone back on, it rang...and it was him. I didn't recognize the number (non-programming of new guy rule) but answered only because I thought by some random chance my grandparents would be calling my cell phone (this would never happen) and also because I suffer from morbid curiosity.

Anywho...I didn't know who it was and even when he said his name, I still wasn't sure. Then the bells went off and I mumbled something about being on a plane and that I would call him back later. Because I was on vacation and wanted to keep a distance, I texted him...and it began. We texted back and forth for a bit and I told him I would let him know when I got back to Mass. He tried to make plans with me during the week. I turned him down the first time and blew him off the second. I lied about having to stay late at work, he was sympathetic (remember, doctor in training), which made him kind of endearing. So I told him how sorry I was and asked him about his weekend plans, wondering (hoping) if he would be working. We decide on Saturday lunch, nice and non-threatening. He meets me close to my place and from the get go I find him exhausting. He got up on his soapbox and he wouldn't get off. I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say he made some sweeping generalizations about me after knowing me for about 20 minutes. And any of you reading this who know me know that this pissed me off. Any of you reading this will also know that I'm a sucker for a cute doctor to be, even if he is an arrogant prick.

After lunch (he chewed with his mouth open!), he asked if I wanted to go to a movie and I told me I needed to get home to...meet the cable guy (I know, horrible). Then he asked me what I was doing "later." I made a split second decision and told him I didn't have plans (I didn't) and if he goes out, I'll be around, let me know.

I honestly didn't think I would hear from him. I thought at this point, I had perhaps annoyed him as much as he annoyed me. But he called at around 6. We met up at 8 for drinks in a hole in the wall Jazz bar with a Ms. Pac Man game (awesome). Fast forward two hours and three beers later (after two glasses of wine at his apartment before the bar) and we are getting kicked out of the bar because he has pissed me off to the point where I have started to YELL. Now, I don't yell. It takes quite a bit to get to yell. That's how pissed off he made me. I was full of a feeling that can only be described as red, red rage. My mind was so full of hops and barley and rage!

I wanted to punch him in the face and make out with him, hard core, at the same time.

I skipped the punching in the face part.

Fast forward to 4 hours later when he walked me to my car and I wished he would just not talk ever EVER again. Now, you can use your imagination about what happened in between but I was a good girl.

I TOLD YOU he was cute!

To his credit (the only thing): He did pay for all of the above activities (I offered of course).

I hope he doesn't call. Not ever.

holy shit

So I'm watching an episode of SNL from two years ago. Natalie Portman is the host and she does a skit where she's this hardcore rapper. It's the funniest thing I've seen in a while. Definitely look for it on YouTube.

In other news, I went out on a date last night. Ugh. I'll tell you about it later maybe, when I have more energy.

what have I done

Signing back up for Match may have been a not so good idea. And on top of it all, I gave one of the guys I've been chatting with the address to the blog. What was I thinking? All it means is that I can't write about HIM, that is if he even reads it...I have no idea if he will or won't.

First off, we have THE ARCHITECT. Off the bat, I should have known this would be a dead end. We had been emailing back and forth, he seemed witty and intelligent, if not a bit of a towny from a suburb of Boston. I gave him my number and he called last night. I let it go to voice mail first. I hate being surprised by unknown numbers. He voice mail was mildly amusing, so I called him back. I've been so tired this week, I need to get a blood test and have my sugar checked. ANYWAY...I started to ask him about his apartment and if he lives alone, etc. etc. and all of a sudden he was like "Are you a Matthew McCounaghey fan?" and I think to myself...I don't like where this is going. He answered a question with a question which means...he lives with his parents. So while I'm thinking this, he's leading me with this questioning about MM, about a movie he did with SJP and I'm like..."Yeah. 'Failure to Launch' and...you live with your parents, don't you?" and instead of just admitting it, he keeps askng me questions about the movie. I told him he wasted 5 minutes of my life, that I found the whole interchange aggrevating and that he was trying my patience. Then I changed the subject.

The more I think about this interchange and about his Boston suburb accent (which he flat out refuses he has), the more I want to go on a date with him for the simple joy of being able to kick him in the nuts.

Blake? Is that you?

I'm catching up on my DVR. I'm watching The Idol results show from last week while the beginning of the first top 12 show tapes. LOVE IT!

I already know who made it because I read the newspaper cover to cover everyday while in Florida. Ah the retired life!

Anywho...I just fast forwarded through Blake Lewis performing, listening in some key parts. I remember him being a much better singer. Oh nooo! Terrible, Blake! I don't even know you!

I love the torture that goes on during the announcing of the top 12. I agree with it, for the most part. Isn't that always the way?

Kady Malloy knew it was coming. I do think she's good but I feel like she never really pulled it out.

Paula should never wear fedoras.

Luke, be gone.

Oh how I love the retrospectives! But I wish we didn't need to sit through the painful vote off performances again. Oh WAIT. I don't!!!

I'm upset that cute little Ah'sia (or however you spell it) didn't make it. She's a firecracker. And her Dad died!! Kristy just wants to be Carrie Underwood. And she won't be.

Is Danny picking his fingers on national television?? Wow lame. Now he has to sing Tainted Love! Oh hilarious. He'll be fine. Oh dear he is REALLY crying. And little Ram Ram is hysterical?!

Ok, I need to watch the "Live" show. So exciting!!

Like Whoa

Oh man. I'm back from vacation.

The work piled up all around me while I was gone. I'm in the process of digging out, became acutely overwhelmed and thought I would write a blog entry instead.

Vacation was wonderful and relaxing. The weather was great. My grandmother didn't stop feeing me the entire time I was there and I logged about 12 hours of sleep a day (not to mention about 5 pounds). I didn't go near a computer, or a television. I read my book. I took in some "Men over 55" Softball. I did some bird watching and some garage saling...not to mention a large dose of early bird specials.

Because I've never had a vacation without some sort of incident, my neck froze up on Day Three. This hasn't happened in about two years. I'm thinking I finally relaxed and it screamed out in protest "What happened to the tension we are used to?!?!" Instead of going to the emergency room for pain killers, my step mother and grandmother went next door to the retired nurse neighbor and "borrowed" some of her stock. Fantastic. That got me through a few days. My neck and shoulder are really stiff, and the worst in the mornings. I may see if I can get in early with the good ole neck doc.

I know I won't elicit any sympathy, but I did get a nasty sunburn on my chest. On Sunday, the last full day we had, I just laid out and burned for about an hour. That did the trick. It's been a while since I've experienced a sunburn with full on winter gear over it (plus back pack). Ouch.

Alright, back to it. Oof.

Boys blah!

First of all, minus David Cook's hair, I want to have sex with him. Tonight sealed the deal. Uhm yeah.

Sorry. Eh ehm.

Of course I'm referring to The Idol.

Chekieze. NO. Stop. Go.

Danny Noriega. Stop being so gay.

Luke. Terrible. Who sings a Wham! song? WHO? I'll tell you who...rhymes with..."a fucking retard."

Side note: The guy in this show New Amsterdam? Holy hottness. YUMMY!

Anyway...my man Jason with the dreads was very good, cutie David was just ok this week, creepy David, unfortunately, did really well and the Aussie was good. His sex appeal has really downgraded for me. It's the teeth.

I'll be on vacation for a few days. Miss me!

Vacation time to get away

I'm giddy.

I wasn't that pumped about going to Florida with my parents until I woke up this morning. It was the driving force that got me out of bed. That, and my hair has been looking pretty cute the last couple of days.

Last night I received a very early gift: the knife set I ordered with my credit card points. It wasn't supposed to arrive for 4-6 weeks, and there it was after less than a week of being ordered. I unpacked it right away, wooden block and all. It looks fantastic on my counter and boy oh boy can those Chicago Cutlery knives CUT.

Did I ever think a set of knives would make me so excited? No, not ever.

But being domestic is grand.

Icky Monday

Oh I hate today.

My receptionist called out AGAIN and I have to play at the front desk. It's not so much I mind being at the front desk but what I DO mind is that she had great references when I hired her but has since turned into an unreliable victim. So now I have to find a replacement but the main problem with THAT is trying to find what the owners actually want in terms of skill level. But then they don't to pay for someone high level...etc. etc. What a saga.

Let today also suck because I received a "no thanks, not interested" email from a guy who isn't even that cute. Booooo.

And my pants are tight. It could be the macaroni and cheese with texas toast and chicken fingers I ate last night. Maybe.

Lazy Sunday

I woke up at 830 this morning, ate cereal and went back to bed for three hours. It totally ruled.

Whenever I sleep really late, I always wake up feeling guilty. But I had a great therapy session yesterday and my recent laziness was reinforced as being a GOOD thing. I don't always have to be "on" and responsible and my own voice of reason. I'm allowed to do the occasional stupid thing, sleep until noon and not get out of my pajamas until 4pm. IT'S OK! Hooray!

So anyway, I didn't wake up guilty this morning. I woke up really excited about going to Florida and getting a sunburn. I woke up and moved directly to another horizontal position on my parent's old couch. I woke up and took a fantastically deep breath.

Confession time: I'm back on Match. I think we all knew it would only be a matter of time since I gave in...again. The person that seems most surprised that it happened so soon is me. I'm just too determined to find love and it will happen when it's meant to happen, whether I'm ready or not. And while I don't feel entirely ready (errr...I think?), screw it. I just want to start having fun again. And let's face it...Match has shown me some good times. Teehee.

Contestant number one we'll call "The Chemist." He's an older gentleman (soon to be 39) who is really cute in his pictures and pretty personable in email but completely awkward and goofy (and not in a good way) on the phone. He also kept interrupting me when I was talking, which I hate. And he's owned a house for three years and doesn't have any furniture in it. Huh? I told him straight out that I thought that was weird. I told him he could call me again but I hope he doesn't.

Spring is (hopefully) just around the corner, and I feel the black cloud that's been over my head for the last few months starting to lift. A few days of sunshine shouldn't hurt. Let's hope the weather down in the F-L is decent.

I hate when they do this

I understand American Idol is sort of a modern day variety show, but I hate when they do this group singing crap. It's so contrived and forced and you can tell that they are all squirming and hating it.

The "rocker" girl with the crazy hair (Nikki? I'm usually better with names, being in HR and all) should go home tonight. Let's put her out of her misery. This just isn't the right place for her and you can tell she's in pain. Nope, it's Amanda and she's staying! Oye America!

High waisted jeans on our cute Polynesian girl? Wha??

Jason Yeager. I hate his skunk hair. But he's getting voted off and he looks like he's going to cry, so I feel a little bad. It's a bit torturous and terrible that they have to sing again after they get the ax, isn't it? But I hope Luke is the other one to go. BARF.

Creepy Dog Tag David. Ew. I just threw up in my mouth a little. Pesto always comes back on me.

Oh boy...Alaina is super shocked! It's so similar to when Ayla Brown got booted and completely lost her shit. Ryan really is good at his job, though. I mean, he knows how to deal with awkward and uncomfortable. Dunkleman would never have been able to do that.

The elimination show is always painful. I might not even watch all of it (Yeah right). But already down to 16! Crazy!

Oh Robbie...I hardly knew you! But you do sing like a re-animated corpse.

***Early favorites based on singing voices AND personalities in no particular order:

*Girl who does the Britney impersonation. Kady I think. She just needs to chill-ax!

*Hot Aussie guy

*Adorable David Archuletta. I'm running out of ways to express how cute he is.

*David Cook (there are lots of Davids!). I may disagree with his mysterious hairline (grow it as long as you want sweetheart, I can still tell you are going bald in the front) but I like him. I think he's cute, minus his hair.

*Danny. I'm strangely curious about him.

*Carly except for her corn teeth.

*The girl who had terrible extensions last night...the last one to go. Asia, but that's not how you spell it.

Eeeeek

I adore Simon, I really do. He's so smarmy and British. Yes.

So...the cute little Polynesian girl is adorable and she can sing. Carly is great but her teeth are creepy to me. The rocker chick with the crazy hair wasn't doing it for me tonight but I kind of hope she doesn't get voted off because I like her. I don't know why.

I think Brooke is talented, but she's too sweet for me. The black chick who is an "actress" I don't care for. No reason, just don't. Could be because I'm racist. Maybe.

Kristy Lee is super lame. Go back to your horses and shovel some shit. I'm tired of hearing about it.

I live an anti-Grease existence, but I liked the girl who doesn't like her food to touch.

Girlfriend in the board shorts. NO don't do that!

The girl that does the Britney impression is really cute. I hated her shirt tonight and I don't think she chose the right song. Although I really like this song because it's in my favorite movie.

I know the girl whose daddy died will be good, so I'm signing off for now.

Oh The Idol

You you you.

Already there are contestants that I can't stand the sight of. Since the guys go on tonight, here we go.

Luke Menard: Ugh ew. I don't use this word often but...he's a F-A-G.

David Hernandez: He looks like he has a pole up his ass. He's gross and creepy and he wears dog tags. I wish his performance tonight wasn't really good. It kills me to admit it.

Danny Noriega: I thought I hated him last week but he's growing on me. Especially tonight when he used "Ish" as a word.

David Yeager=no talent ass clown. (But he did say "long and hard" teehee)

I'm tired. And the rest are tolerable.

Hmmm...

I'm fried right now. I can't do anything else today at work. Happens quite frequently lately, no?

ANYWAY. The blog entry from last night has empowered me and I'm ready to get some shit done. I'm feeling good today and I really want to do everything in my power to make this feeling last.

That being said, I am still receiving emails from Match. I haven't logged in in over a month. I got a wink today from a guy with the most potential I've seen on Match like...ever. I winked back, but since I let my account expire I can't email. And I'm not even sure I can receive emails.

What's a girl to do?

Daily HorrorScope

I read my horoscope almost everyday. Some days it makes sense and other days, it's all Greek to me. Like today's:

The Moon in your 12th House of Imagination can stimulate your dreams and activate a spiritual longing that won't be easily satisfied. Fortunately, the sweet Mercury-Venus conjunction is in your 3rd House of Communication, enabling you to plead your case successfully. No matter how adept you are at managing your responsibilities, plan on being confronted with some of your weaknesses today.

Spiritual Longing...Hmmm...pleading my case...confronting weaknesses...Huh?

So on days that it doesn't make sense, I've decided to replace my horoscope with:

"You should wear more eye makeup."

It fits no matter what. Like today...My spiritual longing is to do more shopping...The weakness I have been confronted with is my recent skin problem. What better way to distract others from this than to really make those eyes pop? And then go and buy more eye makeup?

Exactly.

Beautiful Dreamz

If you haven't seen American Dreamz (starring my girl Mandy), you need to go out and view it immediately. It is so witty, funny, poignant, laugh out loud funny. It's destined to become a Stephanie classic. I just wish the ending was a little bit different. Oddly, it is such an appropriate ending. That might be what makes me wish it were different.

I know, I'm not making any sense if you haven't seen it.

So...just see it, Ok?

Alright!

Enough whining. Seriously.

I've had it up to here with my sad sack routine. It's time to get over it and get a grip. So here's the pep talk, forever engraved on the world wide web so you can come back and visit, whenever you like, to remind yourself to get it together.

First thing is first: Have a better attitude about you job. Stop complaining about how you aren't respected and just do your fucking job. And if you hate it that much, find a new one. Fast.

Second: Stop going on and on about this guy or that guy and love lost and blah blah blah. Everyone's sick of it, including...me. Let's face it: They have all been really big losers/weenies/overly emotional freaks. You need a real man, with a set of brass balls. And those balls need to be bigger than your own. If you keep feeling sorry for yourself, you'll never find the rich/handsome/tall sex god that you deserve. He doesn't want some sad sap with bad skin and limp hair! Fix yourself, girl! Get a manicure for God's sake. That's why you collect paychecks!

Third: I know you love your DVR (as you should) but you need to give it a break every once in a while. All of the recorded reality loveliness will be still be here when you come home from going out and being hot. I promise!

And finally...go to Florida next week, enjoy the company of people three times your age and sip free vodka tonics like you have never sipped them before. Get a sunburn! Highlight your hair with that spray in stuff! Sass your parents! Read your book you've been ignoring because of that damned DVR!

Just STOP fucking whining...please.

Hol-y Shit

My combined credit card balances are BELOW $1K. It's a fucking miracle, seriously.

I never ever thought I would see the day when I would be living by myself, driving a non-shitbox, wearing clothes made of natural fiber, product in my hair, designer shoes (sometimes) on my feet AND have my credit debt to nearly ZERO?!?!

It's a new dawn, it's a new day.

Fuck YES.

Everything old is new again

I was supposed to have a friend over to the new pad for dinner tonight, but plans were changed. I don't so much mind have more time to myself but I still find living alone a bit odd at times. I think this falls under the "Be careful what you wish for" category.

I've been kind of a mess lately. I'm freaking out about my life, most specifically my career, and I feel on such unstable ground. I think I also have a bit of the old inferiority complex sneaking back in...I'm questioning whether or not I deserve what I've got.

When I get this way, feeling of accomplishment is huge, even if it's minor. Doing the dishes, going to the gym, putting gas in the car, depositing that old check for $7.20, paying bills...getting stuff like this done makes me feel less anxious. The more I check off the list, the better I feel.

So in this spirit, I found myself finally cleaning out my files. This is everything from old pay stubs to pictures to health insurance to 401(k) paperwork. Every 6 months or so, I drag out the shredder and go to town, sorting and putting it all away, just in case, on that minor chance, I should actually need to look at any of it ever again.

Much to my surprise, I came across some memorabilia that I had no idea I still had. I thought I threw it away a very long time ago. But I hung onto it. A year or so ago, when I filed it away, I probably told myself that, when I do run across it again, seeing it just won't effect me anymore. I'll have made progress and definitely have moved on.

Well, I was right...and oh so very wrong.

When Nick and I first started dating, he made me this sappy mix CD, complete with printed lyrics and explanatory notes of why he had put each song on the CD. I no longer have the CD, but I kept the notes, for who knows what reason. I also found some cards he had given me and the only pictures I ever had of the two of us, taken at a Red Sox game in September of 2005. I found all this, and proceeded to have the old feelings that go along with him: self doubt, heart ache and the obliteration of my once carefully thought out life plan.

All at once, I realize my heart hasn't been the same since. I would never EVER want to give him the satisfaction of crying over him, again, now, 2 1/2 years later. But it reminds me that I haven't felt the way I felt about him since. And even though he may have been a manipulative fake, my feelings were (and are) very genuine and real.

And then Mike came long, and brought all of this bullshit back. I sit here, red faced, and I hate them both. But with everything I have, I don't want to hate anything about any of it. I want to remember my experiences, smile about the happiness I felt, and be able to forget about, but still learn from, the heartache of it all. When I get there is when I know I'm finally ready to be with someone.

But even as I sit here and get all upset and cry (ok, it's more sobbing) I realize something...I'm not ready to give myself up again like that. Mike did me a favor. Even if it still hurts like hell, and I still feel so silly about pining over some pussy guy I knew for exactly 8 days, everything happens for a reason.

I'm not meant to love like that again just yet. This makes me angry, desperately lonely, relieved and hopelessly sad...all at the same time.

This is a problem

I feel like crap.

And somehow, I think that eating will make me feel better. Alas...it doesn't seem to be doing the trick.

All along, I've been thinking that my migraines (thank you, webmd) were sinus headaches. Hmmm...doesn't seem so.

I'm actually bringing work home with me so that I don't have to do anything else today. I just can't.

I'm also supposed to go out with some friends tonight on the North Shore, which requires getting home, showering, getting dolled up while feeling pretty bloated and shitty, and then driving to Salem, hanging out, then driving to somewhere in Gloucester (who knows) THEN trying to find my way home when I'm buzzed and tired...all while still having to wake up at 7:30 for my chiropractor appointment.

Would I rather just go home and go to bed immediately? Why...yes, yes I would. If I didn't have to get out of bed before noon, I might think differently. But I do, and I have to drive for an hour plus. I really should have done a better job coordinating my appointments...

New favorites

Work is busy today. It's a good thing, because it makes time go by faster, which is really the goal. One day at a time.

But in between the spreadsheets and timesheets, I needed a wee break. So I've decided to take this opporunity to tell you about a few new favorite things.

1. New favorite quote: "I don't have an ego, I just love how awesome I am." The first time I heard this on the Taco Bell commercial, I laughed out loud.

2. DVR: Yep, cable and internet are officially installed. I've already watched several things I have recorded (just for the hell of it) and ordered a few *free* items On Demand. The remote still smells like new plastic!

3. The Star Tac (I think) elliptical running machine: I joined Bally's yesterday and this machine kicked my ass. Why does this make it a favorite thing, you ask? Well, the senior looking woman next to me was two levels above me and not even breaking a sweat, so that gives me something to work towards. You know how I love goals. In addition, it has a built in face fan. Rule.

4. The new season of Rob & Big on MTV: I fucking love this show. Turtle races and mini horse competitions? Why isn't everyone watching?

5. H&R Block Tax Cut: I did my taxes in less than 20 minutes, people!

6. My own kitchen: I'm actually...cooking! GASP!

7. Mini tubes of Aquaphor: I don't think I need to say anything else.

I could come up with more, but I really must be off.

Sleeeeeeeeeepy

I haven't been sleeping well in the new place. I'm still adjusting and blah blah blah. Also there is some shit going down at work that makes me a bit uneasy, which tends to disturb my much needed beauty sleep.

I really wanted to get a good night's sleep last night, so I dug out the ole prescription sleeping pills. I haven't taken them in quite some time. I've been relying instead on my own will to sleep, pure exhaustion and the occasional dose of Simply Sleep.

WELL, when I used to take the real stuff, I would only take half a dose because it's pretty potent. After a while, I would get used to half a dose (read: immune) and every once in a while, I would take the full dose.

Last night, I forgot about the whole half a dose part.

It's nearing 1pm and I'm still not awake. But I did sleep really REALLY well.

I can't even believe I forgot to tell you...

I actually received some good news today!

Lovely (now) former roommate contacted me to tell that I don't have to pay rent for February in my old place! So that's extra cash in my pocket that I wasn't expecting. Hooray!!

I may use it to purchase some choice accessories for my new apartment...but what? Living room chair? An actual set of pots and pans?

The possibilities are endless.

I wouldn't call it a conclusion but the weather matches my mood

I've been at work since 7:40 this morning. I woke up early, got ready quickly and BOOM I was here.

Work totally sucked today. I was basically called stupid and incompetent. So that was shitty.

The washer and dryer get delivered tomorrow, God willing. I hope all goes well. I don't think I can handle a snag in that glorious plan. I wish cable and internet came tomorrow, too. Alas...another week we wait. If I can freshly launder everything at my convenience, I can most certainly go another week without cable and personal internet.

I was supposed to have date #2 with Match Greg tonight, but I called it off. I sent the "I am taking a break from dating because I'm going through some shit" email. It's not anywhere near a lie this time, but I really wasn't all that into Match Greg anyway. I just know when I am, and when I'm not...and I wasn't.

Of course, Christian Bale (aka my one and only celebrity crush) could walk up to me right now and offer me his hand in marriage and I would probably be all "Meh...I'm set, thanks."

I have plans with a former (male) roommate next week for a "date." I'm not sure what that means exactly. When I moved out of that place in June, he was dating someone pretty seriously. I have no idea if they are still dating, or if he's joking about us going on a "date" or...what. I trust him fully and he is a very decent guy, so there isn't any pressure to be upbeat or in a good mood, or even to flirt or look pretty. I mean, I'll look halfway decent I suppose. Hopefully that won't be too disappointing for him.

You're a bear, man

Nothing puts the world right like a viewing of the best movie of all time. If I can't watch The Idol, it's the next best thing.

It makes me so happy, I could almost cry. Yep.

I was so wound up on the way home, so distraught with the ways of the world, that I went through the McDonald's drive thru, which just happens to be on the way home from the T station. I'm not worried about making a habbit of it. But I needed it. I was craving it. And it was delicious.

A large fry, two cheeseburgers and a small chocolate shake later, Swingers was on and and I was in my sweats. Actually, I ate a cheeseburger while I was changing into my sweats.

God, this movie is good.

I'm stealing internet again. It's behaving for the time being. I'm trying to download Mandy Moore's new album from iTunes and it's taking for fucking EVER.

I thought I was a fast walker, I really did. But the majority of T commuters in Boston walk faster than I do. It's amazing really. I can't figure it out. I felt like I was racing with everyone. And I suppose we were to some extent.

And everyone looks so angry. And I find myself annoyed with the people who don't look angry. I caught my reflection on the T and I looked downright miserable. Probably because I was.

The scene where Rob yells at Mikey because he focuses too much on the negative and not enough on the positive hit extra close to home tonight. I feel like such a whiner. But then I remember the song's opening credits, paired with "You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You" and I wonder if the movie is making fun of itself (as it does often, which is one of the many thing that make it so awesome) or if that really is true.

I'm slightly better now. That tight feeling in my chest makes it hard to breath buuuut I don't feel like I'm drowning. I'll shower and continue to try to calm down. Swingers on a continuous loop may do the trick.

"If all else fails, you can blame it on me"

One of my favorite BNL lines.

Appropriately, it's how I feel today.

Most of the time, I can handle the unending cycle of people coming to me for advice, help or guidance. Most days, I welcome it. So many people in my life, in my work, they need something from me. And while it's great to feel needed, I've just had enough today.

I'm being selfish today. Apologies in advance.

Not having all the pieces together in my new place is making me uber cranky. I can't get cable and internet until the 9th of February. I have pure static now when I plug the TV in. Someone suggested rabbit ears...but I've spent so much money lately, I can't justify them. What this means is that I cannot watch The Idol.

There is also an additional piece of furniture that my parents are giving me to complete the living room. Trash day is Saturday, so I can get rid of all the empty boxes. The washer/dryer come on Saturday as well.

The commute is OK, it's just a matter of getting used to it.

I think I will feel better after this week is over. Or I hope I do.

The other reason I'm cranky? I'm still so sad...I had an upsetting dream last night about a certain recent flame who dumped me over lunch. Ugh...I need to get over it and move on already.

Accent Pillows Redux

I started writing an entry last night while I was stealing wireless internet from one of my new wrought iron laden neighbors, but it kept going in and out and I lost patience because I had a crazy painful headache.

I was writing about my new accent pillows, along with various other purchases I made yesterday for the new pad. I'm getting settled in...but it's pretty weird to be alone. Like...ALONE alone. Not just..."I'm here by myself but other people still live here" alone but..."I am the only person who lives here" alone. It's super strange. I started to think this morning (while I was brewing my very own coffee in my very own kitchen) that it's way too nice (don't get me wrong, it's no penthouse, but it's really nice compared to where I've spent the last 5 years) and that I almost don't deserve it. Isn't that terrible?

In other news, I'm discovering all sorts of wonderful things in Revere and surrounding area. The highlight of yesterday: A valet carwash...for $6.

Ode to the vibrating heating pad

I am so very tired.

Last night was a welcome relief (Cute toddler, The Idol and delicious home cooked meal that I would never make myself? Sign me UP!) to the hell that has been packing and moving this week. Was it this hard last time? The time before that? I really don't think so. Maybe I'm just getting old.

I'm feeling pretty drained BUT I'm in good health and I'm eating well. All this packing and moving is doing a number on my lower back. My dad would say I'm obviously not lifting enough with my legs. Perhaps...but all is forgotten when the vibrating heating pad (seriously, you need one. Everyone needs one.) lulls me to sleep. I whimper in gratitude.

Not only do I have so much to do in life at the moment (on top of everything, I have to get my friggin car inspected! And those front tires look suspiciously low on air...), but I have so much to do at work. Being busy isn't a bad thing, but I continue to feel just a tad overwhelmed. I suppose it's better than underwhelmed.

In some interesting news, one of my former roommates wants to meet up for dinner and drinks. (As you know, I used to live with boyz) Hrmmmm. Interesting!

Poooooooooo

Don't get me wrong...I'm very excited about having my own place. All of a sudden though, I am fearing loneliness. Isn't that a bit strange? Coming from someone who basically can't stand other people?

(Then again, I am supposedly a "people person" so who knew)

Well, it's true. And I know it's natural for me to freak out about such a big change. And question everything. It's what I do best.

Other than that, so far so good with the move. My parents are being amazingly supportive and generous, I really don't know how I would even cope without them. I can safely say I appreciate them now more than ever.

Other family members, however, are on my shit list. You most likely know who you (or they) are.

The date with Match Greg was just...eh. He's a nice enough guy and even has quite the sweet side. Not to be judgemental (but it's my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want), he's a bit...dumpy. Kind of like he doesn't care too much about what he looks like. And he looks older than his age, and not in a good way. And he was VERY late to meet me.

Am I being too picky?

When he asked me if he could see me again, I said "Yes." What else do I say? To be honest, the thought of kissing him makes me queasy. Sigh. I'm a terrible person.

I don't think I've gotten "you know who" out of my system yet. There is a VERY large reminder of him on the side of the highway on the way to my new place. That really stinks. To think...leaving my current neighborhood would be a nice fresh start. Damn him for being part of a Boston mainstay. DAMN HIM!

But then I think of my loving and adorable AL and her amazing words of wisdom..."He's a loser anyway."

Days until Match.com membership ends: 6.