I hate when they do this

I understand American Idol is sort of a modern day variety show, but I hate when they do this group singing crap. It's so contrived and forced and you can tell that they are all squirming and hating it.

The "rocker" girl with the crazy hair (Nikki? I'm usually better with names, being in HR and all) should go home tonight. Let's put her out of her misery. This just isn't the right place for her and you can tell she's in pain. Nope, it's Amanda and she's staying! Oye America!

High waisted jeans on our cute Polynesian girl? Wha??

Jason Yeager. I hate his skunk hair. But he's getting voted off and he looks like he's going to cry, so I feel a little bad. It's a bit torturous and terrible that they have to sing again after they get the ax, isn't it? But I hope Luke is the other one to go. BARF.

Creepy Dog Tag David. Ew. I just threw up in my mouth a little. Pesto always comes back on me.

Oh boy...Alaina is super shocked! It's so similar to when Ayla Brown got booted and completely lost her shit. Ryan really is good at his job, though. I mean, he knows how to deal with awkward and uncomfortable. Dunkleman would never have been able to do that.

The elimination show is always painful. I might not even watch all of it (Yeah right). But already down to 16! Crazy!

Oh Robbie...I hardly knew you! But you do sing like a re-animated corpse.

***Early favorites based on singing voices AND personalities in no particular order:

*Girl who does the Britney impersonation. Kady I think. She just needs to chill-ax!

*Hot Aussie guy

*Adorable David Archuletta. I'm running out of ways to express how cute he is.

*David Cook (there are lots of Davids!). I may disagree with his mysterious hairline (grow it as long as you want sweetheart, I can still tell you are going bald in the front) but I like him. I think he's cute, minus his hair.

*Danny. I'm strangely curious about him.

*Carly except for her corn teeth.

*The girl who had terrible extensions last night...the last one to go. Asia, but that's not how you spell it.

Eeeeek

I adore Simon, I really do. He's so smarmy and British. Yes.

So...the cute little Polynesian girl is adorable and she can sing. Carly is great but her teeth are creepy to me. The rocker chick with the crazy hair wasn't doing it for me tonight but I kind of hope she doesn't get voted off because I like her. I don't know why.

I think Brooke is talented, but she's too sweet for me. The black chick who is an "actress" I don't care for. No reason, just don't. Could be because I'm racist. Maybe.

Kristy Lee is super lame. Go back to your horses and shovel some shit. I'm tired of hearing about it.

I live an anti-Grease existence, but I liked the girl who doesn't like her food to touch.

Girlfriend in the board shorts. NO don't do that!

The girl that does the Britney impression is really cute. I hated her shirt tonight and I don't think she chose the right song. Although I really like this song because it's in my favorite movie.

I know the girl whose daddy died will be good, so I'm signing off for now.

Oh The Idol

You you you.

Already there are contestants that I can't stand the sight of. Since the guys go on tonight, here we go.

Luke Menard: Ugh ew. I don't use this word often but...he's a F-A-G.

David Hernandez: He looks like he has a pole up his ass. He's gross and creepy and he wears dog tags. I wish his performance tonight wasn't really good. It kills me to admit it.

Danny Noriega: I thought I hated him last week but he's growing on me. Especially tonight when he used "Ish" as a word.

David Yeager=no talent ass clown. (But he did say "long and hard" teehee)

I'm tired. And the rest are tolerable.

Hmmm...

I'm fried right now. I can't do anything else today at work. Happens quite frequently lately, no?

ANYWAY. The blog entry from last night has empowered me and I'm ready to get some shit done. I'm feeling good today and I really want to do everything in my power to make this feeling last.

That being said, I am still receiving emails from Match. I haven't logged in in over a month. I got a wink today from a guy with the most potential I've seen on Match like...ever. I winked back, but since I let my account expire I can't email. And I'm not even sure I can receive emails.

What's a girl to do?

Daily HorrorScope

I read my horoscope almost everyday. Some days it makes sense and other days, it's all Greek to me. Like today's:

The Moon in your 12th House of Imagination can stimulate your dreams and activate a spiritual longing that won't be easily satisfied. Fortunately, the sweet Mercury-Venus conjunction is in your 3rd House of Communication, enabling you to plead your case successfully. No matter how adept you are at managing your responsibilities, plan on being confronted with some of your weaknesses today.

Spiritual Longing...Hmmm...pleading my case...confronting weaknesses...Huh?

So on days that it doesn't make sense, I've decided to replace my horoscope with:

"You should wear more eye makeup."

It fits no matter what. Like today...My spiritual longing is to do more shopping...The weakness I have been confronted with is my recent skin problem. What better way to distract others from this than to really make those eyes pop? And then go and buy more eye makeup?

Exactly.

Beautiful Dreamz

If you haven't seen American Dreamz (starring my girl Mandy), you need to go out and view it immediately. It is so witty, funny, poignant, laugh out loud funny. It's destined to become a Stephanie classic. I just wish the ending was a little bit different. Oddly, it is such an appropriate ending. That might be what makes me wish it were different.

I know, I'm not making any sense if you haven't seen it.

So...just see it, Ok?

Alright!

Enough whining. Seriously.

I've had it up to here with my sad sack routine. It's time to get over it and get a grip. So here's the pep talk, forever engraved on the world wide web so you can come back and visit, whenever you like, to remind yourself to get it together.

First thing is first: Have a better attitude about you job. Stop complaining about how you aren't respected and just do your fucking job. And if you hate it that much, find a new one. Fast.

Second: Stop going on and on about this guy or that guy and love lost and blah blah blah. Everyone's sick of it, including...me. Let's face it: They have all been really big losers/weenies/overly emotional freaks. You need a real man, with a set of brass balls. And those balls need to be bigger than your own. If you keep feeling sorry for yourself, you'll never find the rich/handsome/tall sex god that you deserve. He doesn't want some sad sap with bad skin and limp hair! Fix yourself, girl! Get a manicure for God's sake. That's why you collect paychecks!

Third: I know you love your DVR (as you should) but you need to give it a break every once in a while. All of the recorded reality loveliness will be still be here when you come home from going out and being hot. I promise!

And finally...go to Florida next week, enjoy the company of people three times your age and sip free vodka tonics like you have never sipped them before. Get a sunburn! Highlight your hair with that spray in stuff! Sass your parents! Read your book you've been ignoring because of that damned DVR!

Just STOP fucking whining...please.

Hol-y Shit

My combined credit card balances are BELOW $1K. It's a fucking miracle, seriously.

I never ever thought I would see the day when I would be living by myself, driving a non-shitbox, wearing clothes made of natural fiber, product in my hair, designer shoes (sometimes) on my feet AND have my credit debt to nearly ZERO?!?!

It's a new dawn, it's a new day.

Fuck YES.

Everything old is new again

I was supposed to have a friend over to the new pad for dinner tonight, but plans were changed. I don't so much mind have more time to myself but I still find living alone a bit odd at times. I think this falls under the "Be careful what you wish for" category.

I've been kind of a mess lately. I'm freaking out about my life, most specifically my career, and I feel on such unstable ground. I think I also have a bit of the old inferiority complex sneaking back in...I'm questioning whether or not I deserve what I've got.

When I get this way, feeling of accomplishment is huge, even if it's minor. Doing the dishes, going to the gym, putting gas in the car, depositing that old check for $7.20, paying bills...getting stuff like this done makes me feel less anxious. The more I check off the list, the better I feel.

So in this spirit, I found myself finally cleaning out my files. This is everything from old pay stubs to pictures to health insurance to 401(k) paperwork. Every 6 months or so, I drag out the shredder and go to town, sorting and putting it all away, just in case, on that minor chance, I should actually need to look at any of it ever again.

Much to my surprise, I came across some memorabilia that I had no idea I still had. I thought I threw it away a very long time ago. But I hung onto it. A year or so ago, when I filed it away, I probably told myself that, when I do run across it again, seeing it just won't effect me anymore. I'll have made progress and definitely have moved on.

Well, I was right...and oh so very wrong.

When Nick and I first started dating, he made me this sappy mix CD, complete with printed lyrics and explanatory notes of why he had put each song on the CD. I no longer have the CD, but I kept the notes, for who knows what reason. I also found some cards he had given me and the only pictures I ever had of the two of us, taken at a Red Sox game in September of 2005. I found all this, and proceeded to have the old feelings that go along with him: self doubt, heart ache and the obliteration of my once carefully thought out life plan.

All at once, I realize my heart hasn't been the same since. I would never EVER want to give him the satisfaction of crying over him, again, now, 2 1/2 years later. But it reminds me that I haven't felt the way I felt about him since. And even though he may have been a manipulative fake, my feelings were (and are) very genuine and real.

And then Mike came long, and brought all of this bullshit back. I sit here, red faced, and I hate them both. But with everything I have, I don't want to hate anything about any of it. I want to remember my experiences, smile about the happiness I felt, and be able to forget about, but still learn from, the heartache of it all. When I get there is when I know I'm finally ready to be with someone.

But even as I sit here and get all upset and cry (ok, it's more sobbing) I realize something...I'm not ready to give myself up again like that. Mike did me a favor. Even if it still hurts like hell, and I still feel so silly about pining over some pussy guy I knew for exactly 8 days, everything happens for a reason.

I'm not meant to love like that again just yet. This makes me angry, desperately lonely, relieved and hopelessly sad...all at the same time.

This is a problem

I feel like crap.

And somehow, I think that eating will make me feel better. Alas...it doesn't seem to be doing the trick.

All along, I've been thinking that my migraines (thank you, webmd) were sinus headaches. Hmmm...doesn't seem so.

I'm actually bringing work home with me so that I don't have to do anything else today. I just can't.

I'm also supposed to go out with some friends tonight on the North Shore, which requires getting home, showering, getting dolled up while feeling pretty bloated and shitty, and then driving to Salem, hanging out, then driving to somewhere in Gloucester (who knows) THEN trying to find my way home when I'm buzzed and tired...all while still having to wake up at 7:30 for my chiropractor appointment.

Would I rather just go home and go to bed immediately? Why...yes, yes I would. If I didn't have to get out of bed before noon, I might think differently. But I do, and I have to drive for an hour plus. I really should have done a better job coordinating my appointments...

New favorites

Work is busy today. It's a good thing, because it makes time go by faster, which is really the goal. One day at a time.

But in between the spreadsheets and timesheets, I needed a wee break. So I've decided to take this opporunity to tell you about a few new favorite things.

1. New favorite quote: "I don't have an ego, I just love how awesome I am." The first time I heard this on the Taco Bell commercial, I laughed out loud.

2. DVR: Yep, cable and internet are officially installed. I've already watched several things I have recorded (just for the hell of it) and ordered a few *free* items On Demand. The remote still smells like new plastic!

3. The Star Tac (I think) elliptical running machine: I joined Bally's yesterday and this machine kicked my ass. Why does this make it a favorite thing, you ask? Well, the senior looking woman next to me was two levels above me and not even breaking a sweat, so that gives me something to work towards. You know how I love goals. In addition, it has a built in face fan. Rule.

4. The new season of Rob & Big on MTV: I fucking love this show. Turtle races and mini horse competitions? Why isn't everyone watching?

5. H&R Block Tax Cut: I did my taxes in less than 20 minutes, people!

6. My own kitchen: I'm actually...cooking! GASP!

7. Mini tubes of Aquaphor: I don't think I need to say anything else.

I could come up with more, but I really must be off.

Sleeeeeeeeeepy

I haven't been sleeping well in the new place. I'm still adjusting and blah blah blah. Also there is some shit going down at work that makes me a bit uneasy, which tends to disturb my much needed beauty sleep.

I really wanted to get a good night's sleep last night, so I dug out the ole prescription sleeping pills. I haven't taken them in quite some time. I've been relying instead on my own will to sleep, pure exhaustion and the occasional dose of Simply Sleep.

WELL, when I used to take the real stuff, I would only take half a dose because it's pretty potent. After a while, I would get used to half a dose (read: immune) and every once in a while, I would take the full dose.

Last night, I forgot about the whole half a dose part.

It's nearing 1pm and I'm still not awake. But I did sleep really REALLY well.

I can't even believe I forgot to tell you...

I actually received some good news today!

Lovely (now) former roommate contacted me to tell that I don't have to pay rent for February in my old place! So that's extra cash in my pocket that I wasn't expecting. Hooray!!

I may use it to purchase some choice accessories for my new apartment...but what? Living room chair? An actual set of pots and pans?

The possibilities are endless.

I wouldn't call it a conclusion but the weather matches my mood

I've been at work since 7:40 this morning. I woke up early, got ready quickly and BOOM I was here.

Work totally sucked today. I was basically called stupid and incompetent. So that was shitty.

The washer and dryer get delivered tomorrow, God willing. I hope all goes well. I don't think I can handle a snag in that glorious plan. I wish cable and internet came tomorrow, too. Alas...another week we wait. If I can freshly launder everything at my convenience, I can most certainly go another week without cable and personal internet.

I was supposed to have date #2 with Match Greg tonight, but I called it off. I sent the "I am taking a break from dating because I'm going through some shit" email. It's not anywhere near a lie this time, but I really wasn't all that into Match Greg anyway. I just know when I am, and when I'm not...and I wasn't.

Of course, Christian Bale (aka my one and only celebrity crush) could walk up to me right now and offer me his hand in marriage and I would probably be all "Meh...I'm set, thanks."

I have plans with a former (male) roommate next week for a "date." I'm not sure what that means exactly. When I moved out of that place in June, he was dating someone pretty seriously. I have no idea if they are still dating, or if he's joking about us going on a "date" or...what. I trust him fully and he is a very decent guy, so there isn't any pressure to be upbeat or in a good mood, or even to flirt or look pretty. I mean, I'll look halfway decent I suppose. Hopefully that won't be too disappointing for him.

You're a bear, man

Nothing puts the world right like a viewing of the best movie of all time. If I can't watch The Idol, it's the next best thing.

It makes me so happy, I could almost cry. Yep.

I was so wound up on the way home, so distraught with the ways of the world, that I went through the McDonald's drive thru, which just happens to be on the way home from the T station. I'm not worried about making a habbit of it. But I needed it. I was craving it. And it was delicious.

A large fry, two cheeseburgers and a small chocolate shake later, Swingers was on and and I was in my sweats. Actually, I ate a cheeseburger while I was changing into my sweats.

God, this movie is good.

I'm stealing internet again. It's behaving for the time being. I'm trying to download Mandy Moore's new album from iTunes and it's taking for fucking EVER.

I thought I was a fast walker, I really did. But the majority of T commuters in Boston walk faster than I do. It's amazing really. I can't figure it out. I felt like I was racing with everyone. And I suppose we were to some extent.

And everyone looks so angry. And I find myself annoyed with the people who don't look angry. I caught my reflection on the T and I looked downright miserable. Probably because I was.

The scene where Rob yells at Mikey because he focuses too much on the negative and not enough on the positive hit extra close to home tonight. I feel like such a whiner. But then I remember the song's opening credits, paired with "You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You" and I wonder if the movie is making fun of itself (as it does often, which is one of the many thing that make it so awesome) or if that really is true.

I'm slightly better now. That tight feeling in my chest makes it hard to breath buuuut I don't feel like I'm drowning. I'll shower and continue to try to calm down. Swingers on a continuous loop may do the trick.

"If all else fails, you can blame it on me"

One of my favorite BNL lines.

Appropriately, it's how I feel today.

Most of the time, I can handle the unending cycle of people coming to me for advice, help or guidance. Most days, I welcome it. So many people in my life, in my work, they need something from me. And while it's great to feel needed, I've just had enough today.

I'm being selfish today. Apologies in advance.

Not having all the pieces together in my new place is making me uber cranky. I can't get cable and internet until the 9th of February. I have pure static now when I plug the TV in. Someone suggested rabbit ears...but I've spent so much money lately, I can't justify them. What this means is that I cannot watch The Idol.

There is also an additional piece of furniture that my parents are giving me to complete the living room. Trash day is Saturday, so I can get rid of all the empty boxes. The washer/dryer come on Saturday as well.

The commute is OK, it's just a matter of getting used to it.

I think I will feel better after this week is over. Or I hope I do.

The other reason I'm cranky? I'm still so sad...I had an upsetting dream last night about a certain recent flame who dumped me over lunch. Ugh...I need to get over it and move on already.

Accent Pillows Redux

I started writing an entry last night while I was stealing wireless internet from one of my new wrought iron laden neighbors, but it kept going in and out and I lost patience because I had a crazy painful headache.

I was writing about my new accent pillows, along with various other purchases I made yesterday for the new pad. I'm getting settled in...but it's pretty weird to be alone. Like...ALONE alone. Not just..."I'm here by myself but other people still live here" alone but..."I am the only person who lives here" alone. It's super strange. I started to think this morning (while I was brewing my very own coffee in my very own kitchen) that it's way too nice (don't get me wrong, it's no penthouse, but it's really nice compared to where I've spent the last 5 years) and that I almost don't deserve it. Isn't that terrible?

In other news, I'm discovering all sorts of wonderful things in Revere and surrounding area. The highlight of yesterday: A valet carwash...for $6.

Ode to the vibrating heating pad

I am so very tired.

Last night was a welcome relief (Cute toddler, The Idol and delicious home cooked meal that I would never make myself? Sign me UP!) to the hell that has been packing and moving this week. Was it this hard last time? The time before that? I really don't think so. Maybe I'm just getting old.

I'm feeling pretty drained BUT I'm in good health and I'm eating well. All this packing and moving is doing a number on my lower back. My dad would say I'm obviously not lifting enough with my legs. Perhaps...but all is forgotten when the vibrating heating pad (seriously, you need one. Everyone needs one.) lulls me to sleep. I whimper in gratitude.

Not only do I have so much to do in life at the moment (on top of everything, I have to get my friggin car inspected! And those front tires look suspiciously low on air...), but I have so much to do at work. Being busy isn't a bad thing, but I continue to feel just a tad overwhelmed. I suppose it's better than underwhelmed.

In some interesting news, one of my former roommates wants to meet up for dinner and drinks. (As you know, I used to live with boyz) Hrmmmm. Interesting!

Poooooooooo

Don't get me wrong...I'm very excited about having my own place. All of a sudden though, I am fearing loneliness. Isn't that a bit strange? Coming from someone who basically can't stand other people?

(Then again, I am supposedly a "people person" so who knew)

Well, it's true. And I know it's natural for me to freak out about such a big change. And question everything. It's what I do best.

Other than that, so far so good with the move. My parents are being amazingly supportive and generous, I really don't know how I would even cope without them. I can safely say I appreciate them now more than ever.

Other family members, however, are on my shit list. You most likely know who you (or they) are.

The date with Match Greg was just...eh. He's a nice enough guy and even has quite the sweet side. Not to be judgemental (but it's my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want), he's a bit...dumpy. Kind of like he doesn't care too much about what he looks like. And he looks older than his age, and not in a good way. And he was VERY late to meet me.

Am I being too picky?

When he asked me if he could see me again, I said "Yes." What else do I say? To be honest, the thought of kissing him makes me queasy. Sigh. I'm a terrible person.

I don't think I've gotten "you know who" out of my system yet. There is a VERY large reminder of him on the side of the highway on the way to my new place. That really stinks. To think...leaving my current neighborhood would be a nice fresh start. Damn him for being part of a Boston mainstay. DAMN HIM!

But then I think of my loving and adorable AL and her amazing words of wisdom..."He's a loser anyway."

Days until Match.com membership ends: 6.

I'd like to laugh until I cry....but not if I keep crying

Date #1 with Match Greg is TONIGHT. I'm tired, my skin is broken out, I feel bloated and I have a million and one things to do. It's not the best timing...but nothing ever is.

I'm not excited. I've been on too many first dates to get excited or nervous anymore. The best word I can think of to describe my current state is...apprehensive. And tired. Exhausted actually. I can't get enough sleep.

I've already told him it can't be a late night, that I'm moving next weekend and need to get up early tomorrow morning to pack and head to my parents. That I have three weeks of laundry to do. That the sheets on my bed are very ripe...well that last part I didn't tell him.

But I have nothing to wear. And the jeans I want to wear I had to air dry...and we all know how comfortable they will be to squeeze my bloated body into.

We're going to the Comedy Connection to see some tour of four comedians. I wasn't listening when he was telling me about it to be honest. I was trying to figure out why my iTunes wouldn't let me burn a CD. A girl has her priorities.

I hope he's cuter than his pictures. And as tall as he says he is.