I wish....

That one of the choices for "Closing the Match" on eHarmony was "Because you sound like an arrogant asshole."

If only.

I'm just saying...

Who needs a boyfriend OR a power drill when there is such a wonderful thing as double sided 3M tape?

Not this girl!

Mini blinds INSTALLED and secure. Easy as pie.

:)

Love in an Elevator

Yeah no. I wish. I just really like the song.

Nothing too new to update. eH Jason is still rather chatty with me online...and I'm trying to train him to understand that talking to me everyday isn't really standard...because I'm NOT his girlfriend. I think he's getting it. It's kind of horrible, but the attention is nice. What an evil woman I am.

What else? The concert was AWESOME. Jen and I came ridiculously close to meeting Adam and then totally chickened out. It was fun and absolutely hilarious because she all but pushed me into a Port-o-Potty. A complete comedy of errors. Still a wonderful time, as always with Ms. Jennifer.

I went to a wedding on Saturday. It was a semi-nightmare. For a few reasons. First of all, it wasn't my wedding. Second of all, it was the wedding of someone who should NOT be getting married before I do. Third of all, it was the following times about ten: That awkward conversation you have with people that you went to high school with when you bump into them and kind of have to talk to them even though you never talked to each other in high school...and the small talk is torturous and you hate your life for those 3 minutes that seem like 15? Over a period of 5 hours. With no hard alchohol. And on a farm. And I was bloated. And my Dad was pimping me out.

Someone actually asked me the following question: "So why were you invited?"

My response? "There always has to be a guest that looks better than the bride."
Smile and wink. This was followed immediately by a nervous laugh from the person I was talking to and me saying "Please, I'm kidding."

Sarcasm was officially dead. And really...that's all I got.

As if it couldn't get any worse

I'm sitting here at the desk, minding my own business, when I look down to discover (with horror) that my high wasted white capri pants have turned my lower stomach into a protruding blob of goo.

Awesome.

A would be rant

So I started to write this really angry post about how much I hate eHarmony and all the guys on it and how dating totally sucks and how I hate this week...so much.

But really. Tomorrow will be better. I will see Adam, in all his bloated glory and I will sing along to every song at the top of my lungs until I lose my voice and I will drink cheap beer and maybe even throw up on the stranger next to me. It will be euphoric.

And plus...my life isn't that hard. This week has just been kind of shitty and I'm sick of dealing with all of it.

Then on Saturday...I have to attend a wedding. My parents will be there and I'm sure I'll hang out with them most of time, because they will be more fun than anyone from high school that I was never really friends with then, so why hang out with them now. And I will try so hard not to be depressed about the fact that there will be people there from high school who are married...and how I am not even close to being married...

Fucking eHarmony. If I didn't pay all that money for it, I'd call it in.

The beat goes on

eH Jason handled the rejection really well. The poor thing...he asked "why" which is just an indication that he's gotten the same line before. He is very nice, but just sort of a lumbering jughead.

Insert heavy, heavy sigh here.

What's a girl to do? I ran away to the Cape on Saturday morning and returned yesterday morning. I haven't gotten up at 4:30am since the last time I needed to catch a flight. Bru-tal. My day went surprisingly well however...despite some trauma in the workplace which I of course cannot disclose in this forum. Let's just say I'm having some trouble trying to keep everyone happy and keep the natives at bay. It is a difficult task. To add to it, my trusty office administrator has been gone for a day and a half now so I'm balancing the front desk duties with the rest of the work load. It wouldn't be especially taxing if I could retain any amount of information, which apparently I cannot.

I don't feel as if my life is an busier than before, yet it seems there is too much to do and not enough room in my head to remember to do it all. Drop off dry cleaning, pick up dry cleaning, go grocery shopping, clean apartment, read magazines, finish reading the book you've been reading for almost a year, watch netflix movies, return phone calls (this has become an unpredictably daunting task), change sheets, call about new doctor, deposit expense check...I won't continue to bore you. I'm just not sure why I can't get my act together and get it all done. What has happened to me?

The good news: Lunch happens soon and it's a beautiful day.

Oh oh oh! And let's not forget the Counting Crows concert on Friday!!!!

The theme from Jaws is the theme of my dating life

I have date number three with eH Jason tonight. I promised myself I would give him another fair shot, and go into it with a positive attitude. I deserve that, and so does he.

Unforunately, he hasn't let me take a breath all week. He talks to me CONSTANTLY all day online. I tell him I'm busy in hopes he'll get the hint. He stays away for a while, but then pipes back in. It's too much. It's overkill. He's all "entertain me" and "you are the coolest girl I have ever met" and "I really like your perfume...what kind is it?" He's being more a girl than I am. Let's not forget his "All you need to do is bat those eye lashes at me and I'll be your slave" line. And did I mention the over use of emoticons??

I'm sure he'll be a great guy for a lovely lady, but he isn't for me.

Let me explain why. I haven't done anything to deserve his seemingly undying devotion and attention. I've been on two dates with him. That's it. He confessed to me today that he had even less of a spine in his past relationship. MAN she must have been a bossy bitch. I feel bad for him...but I don't want an errand boy/slave. I want a man, a man with passion. There's no fire in this guy. He thinks his job is boring and he wants to move out in the middle of nowhere...he doesn't like to drive...he likes techno music...he talks through movies...he has a cat...he doesn't seem to care too much about his appearance. Sure, some of that is petty and trivial. But add it all up, folks! There's just nothing there. And trust me...I would like there to be. Like I said...he's nice, he's dependable, I have no doubt he'd make a great Dad.

Kissing him is like kissing my brother...if I had one.

the break down

No no, not a breakdown...THE break down. Different.

I realized today that one of the reasons I may be pre-sabotaging a third date with eH Jason (not his real name) is that I STILL don't believe I deserve a happy and healthy relationship. Sure, the self doubt is ever present but I'm betting my $$ that this is NOT the reason. Jason is making himself too available and it just isn't challenging. But then again...I'd be complaining about how men are so impossible to understand if he was giving me any kind of run around. Maybe as a woman...I really WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED. Holy shit...the prospect of that is just horrifying. HAVE I BECOME THAT GIRL??

I know I've gone over this before...over and over, again and again. But here it is: I can't date. I have no idea how to "take things slow" and "get to know someone." I jump right in...it feels so natural and good and...exciting. But obviously it hasn't worked out for me...not one bit.

Another thing that's got me thinking how much of a complete crazy bitch I am...I'm still pretty caught on what that psychic said to me. I don't know...do I cut and run with this guy now, because I think I just KNOW, already, that he isn't Mr. Right? Or do I date him...let it run it's course...and keep my eyes out for whatever else may come along?

The summer is running short. I'm not sure if I can risk wasting the time.

Or maybe I need to do this first, before I get to meet him.

Fuck all. I'm stumped. And I'm all over the place. I need a cookie.



FINE. ANOTHER cookie.

F*&CKERS!!!

Match renewed my account...before I could cancel it.

They have a "no refund" policy and an "automatic renewal" policy.

An excellent example of why I should actually read the "Terms and Conditions" before I check that god damn box.

Someday will prince my come

It just wasn't today.

Yep...the same thing is happening again.

It's one extreme or another.

Let me break it down for you.

1. I meet a guy, I am instantly physically attracted to him and he is completely wrong for me...we go on a couple dates, he's another notch in my bed post....nothing more. End scene.

2. I meet a guy, he's nice, he's into me, he seems normal and I am...not interested. But then I give it another chance with the idea that perhaps he'll grow on me and I shouldn't make snap judgments. But when I do give it another chance, it just ends with me delaying the painfully (for him) inevitable.

Earlier this year...we had lots of ones, with a few twos sprinkled in. For the past couple of months...it's all twos.

I guess...I'd rather have the twos.

Or at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Oh my word

All of a sudden, I have tons to tell you.

1. I have discovered the most potent version of reality TV crack and it is Scott Baio is 45...and Single. Just...watch it.

2. Match.com is a fuck. They automatically renewed my subscription a day ago and I cannot cancel it, according to their "policy." Who reads that?!?!?

3. I have a date this weekend...with a boy...

What was I thinking

I bought garlic bread pretzel bits. They are amazingly delicious.

The downside: I have the worst taste in my mouth that I cannot seem to get rid of. I don't like using mouth wash, but I might have to dig out the emergency supply. Either that or everyone at my morning meeting will smell my second day garlic breath.

Although, now that I think of it, that may cut the torture of the monday morning meeting down to mere minutes. Maybe I'll skip the mouthwash...

Has anyone ever seen Requium for a Dream? That shit is messed UP.

Some things I forgot to tell you because I am over tired and have ADD

1. Today, I became a Notary Public. If you need something notarized, that will be $20, please. Or you can buy me a couple drinks, a mani pedi, whatever.

2. I'm talking to this guy on eHarmony. I just found out he's from MAINE. Ugggggghhhh.

Chaffage: Threat Level Orange

I am definitely wearing pants tomorrow.

And so it goes

So I met this GREAT guy yesterday who I would totally date. Score, right?

Shit no. Married with a baby on the way. That's super, wonderful, good for you, congratulations, oh you must be so happy and I'm sure your wife is super cute and teaches kindergarten. Wrong...she teaches second grade. He was amazed that I had correctly guessed his wife's profession. I'm good at reading people, you happy sap. It's a blessing and a curse.

I know. I sound terribly bitter. Everyone is married or having babies or engaged with big, shiny rings. I'm happy for them, really I am. I just maybe kinda sorta wish it could be my turn to just...you know...have someone to cuddle with that I also happen to be able to tolerate when we aren't having sex. Is that so much to ask?

But really, I exaggerate (what else is new). I'm feeling pretty good about the way things are going right now. I feel on the brink of something great.

At the moment, I am just really happy that things like AC and baby powder exist.

Shit goes missing

First it was a package at work last week (oh, the drama) THEN it was my Entertainment weekly for this week. Today at work, yet another package went missing, this time the sugar from our coffee company. We promptly ordered more sugar, only for the missing sugar to arrive 30 minutes after the emergency sugar order was delivered. Now we have a shit load of sugar.

Now...more of my mail at home has gone missing. Did the old man downstairs steal my Netflix delivery of Hotel Rwanda? Is he pouring over the new Harry Potter movie review in my EW? I know it's not the people on the second floor because they don't even pick up their own mail.

What the hell is going on? And could someone direct me to the vortex where all this stuff goes?

And I so rarely take the Lord's name in vein

Netflix is down. I really wanted to watch Zoolander on my computer. Now, I cannot.

Another sign from the heavens.

I just read a bit of my cousin's blog (online journal, whatever) and discovered that we could probably write each other's entries. I have an eerie sense of calm. Granted, she is a much better writer than I so I would probably want her writing my stuff but perhaps not so much the other way around.

But to my point: She was talking about putting a down payment on a townhouse. Oh wow...it just sounds so great. My own house!

And yeah...I would love to live in the city with a place to park my car, but I'm not affording it anytime within the next five years, and I want to buy something before then. Having a place of my own that doesn't smell like rotting old man and doesn't have a bathroom ceiling pealing what must be lead paint, even if in the burbs somewhere, is a fair trade.

And plus...I miss Waltham sometimes. Ok...I miss my driveway (with designated parking space) all the time.

Has it been so long?

July 12? That was the last time you heard from me, eh? Where DOES the time go.

I've been uninspired as of late. It isn't because we are fighting. I just haven't had anything all that moving to write to you about. And if I don't have anything entertaining to say, I shouldn't say anything at all, right?

Right.

My Match membership is coming to an end soon. No six month guarantee for me (that's when you get six months free if you don't find your "match" within six months)...I didn't follow the rules. We have Bill to thank for you. Well...that's not entirely fair. I did put too many eggs in one basket on that one. I have only myself to blame.

So eHarmony is plugging along. I'm seeing the usual amount of shut-in computer programmers and emailing with them until it's unbearable and then letting them down easy. Sigh. In fact, I was just writing an answer to the infamous "What have you learned from past relationships?" question when my computer screen went black. Everything seems to be up and running after a forced shut down and restart, so I'm taking that as a sign from the heavens that it just isn't the right time for me to be answering Joshua from Burlington's questions. So be it.

I think I'll watch Zoolander now.

Cheers.

Photo Shoot

Apparently there is a modeling agency around the corner from our office. Apparently they like to use the alley outside of my office window to take pitures and shoot videos of skinny women doing cart wheels and back flips. It's mildly entertaining. My favorite character is the kid who holds the reflective circle. He's the shit.

I'm exhausted. I need a nap.

I'm off to NH this weekend for some much needed R & R.

There has been an unwelcome cat in my apartment all week and I think one of the guys in the office has a crush on me. It's not mutual. I have a zit on the inside of my nose. My period has completely taken over my lower half. I loathe my hair.

Calgon take me away.

"And where is our next huge, embarrassing failure?"

Oh boy.

First of all, I'm losing my mind. I saw a copy of an email today that I had written back in March that I have absolutely no recollection of writing. I feel like such an asshole, as said email was proof that I had definitely inserted my foot into my mouth earlier today. The details aren't really the point. The point is that I have that feeling again...the feeling that I'm losing my grip.

As my step mother pointed out, no one is in the hospital because of it, so I need to chill out and move on. She makes a good point. But I still feel like such a moron because there are definitely a few little kids who will be very disappointed. What was I THINKING?

And it's still unsettling. I pride myself on being detail oriented and organized and all that. That is what I am really good at, so when stuff like this happens, it freaks me out and upsets me. A lot.

Second of all, eHarmony continues to send me complete duds. Are these guys serious? The profiles they write are pathetic. How am I supposed to wrap my hands around "I'm passionate about passion." Ugh. Just...stop.

Third of all, the weather is changing too fast and too frequently and it's making me dizzy. I've lived through 26 New England summers and it just never gets predictable. That could also be why I love it and would never trade it for anything.

I'm going to go to bed and will hopefully wake up tomorrow feeling better.

Fingers crossed (I'm doing that a lot lately).