Umbrella update

I know it's been keeping you up a night...wondering if I ever found my long-lost umbrella?? WELL...I never did.

HOWEVER, I went out and bought a newer, cuter, improved version. It took me 20 minutes to pick it out.

Celebrate!!

So I think I predicted that I would really never write in this after I got my new job. I'm so smart!

There isn't a whole lot new to report. The ex is diligent about getting in touch with me and I am doing my best not to entertain it. The most recent attempt is a text message about how he "was so wrong." Sure, my curiosity wonders what on earth he is admitting he was wrong about, as there are a quite a few things to choose from. But it doesn't matter. It's way past being done.

The situation with the ex's ex at work has gotten much better. I'm not so much uncomfortable around her anymore and we are cordial. I still think she's really annoying and a big brat, but she can be really entertaining and, if I'm having a day that I can actually seperate her from being the ex's ex, I just find her to be so ridiculous that it actually makes me feel better about myself. And who doesn't want that??

And work is insane...so busy and crazy and all consuming. But I still love it AND...I have my particular part of the account in the best place it has been since its beginning. And after a mere two months. Go me!! :)

The guy who sits in the cube on the other side of me called me a "go-getter" today. Yikes.

I wanted to write not because I necessarily have the time, but because there are things my people need to know.

First of all, work is fucking great. Really. It's super demanding and stressful and draining. I love it.

In other news (because I didn't want to lead with this):

Recently, I spoke with the Ex's Ex. For those of you who don't know the story behind this, I'm real sorry, but I'm not going into it right now. It's a long one and I don't have the stamina.

Turns out the guy that I genuinely thought I would marry and have children with is deeply disturbed and has long-standing emotional and financial issues. I had always thought he was quite a loser on paper, but still a good guy at heart with plenty of potential. Well, he may have good intentions (I'll never know) but if the stories she told me were true, he did me a huge favor by dumping me.

Shit...do I say "Thank you"?

What the?

It's going to rain for the next forever and I can't find my umbrella. I've had this umbrella for about 10 years now. I used to hate it. It's this really gawdy red plaid thing that my grandmother gave me for Christmas one year. My cousin has one in the same plaid, but this equally gawdy royal blue. I wonder if she loves hers as much as I love mine. I just always wanted a black one. But I've learned to love it over the years, embrace it, in fact, for it's utter ugliness. It's become one of my favorite things.

And it has disappeared and I am so very lost.

I never lose shit. Ever.

Better than him

I can't imagine how things would be different if I had never met Nick. I'm not sure I would have had the confidence to go for the job I have now. I'm not even sure if would have crossed my mind. He encouraged me quite a bit through it. If anything, he was the driving force behind it. Once of us had to be successful and I decided it was going to be me.

But then I think...That's the wrong reason to go after something like that. I should never do it for anyone else except myself. There would have been different hesitations and different hang ups, but I think I still would have realized it was the right opportunity for me.

I love Nick. I really do. And it kills me to write that and think that and want that...and not be able to have it. It hurts so much that I can't even begin to write about it. But I have to because if I don't, I'm fucked. Because I can't talk to him, I can't tell him all this stuff. And who knows if he even reads this. I'm sure he lost the link, he's terrible at keeping track of things.

And I can't talk to him because there is nothing left for me to say. The questions I have, I know he doesn't have answers to. I need to get to a place where I am content with never having answers. But that's hard. That is what makes my heart sink and my throat get tight. That is what I think about before I fall asleep and it is the first thing on my mind when I open my eyes.

I miss him terribly. I miss the way he enunciated and I miss his son yelling in the background. I miss him calling me "kid" and "baby" and I miss being the most important person in someone else's world. And I miss having that person in my world.

The harsh reality is that he's in a bit of a mess...and he obviously has some stability issues. The harsh reality involves plane ticket purchases, made with money that he doesn't have, and probably will never have. I think he believed in the promises that he made me, but that was part of the problem. He wasn't lying to me, he was lying to himself.

So where does that leave me? Well, it leaves me with a broken heart...but a really bright future. I know what is important to me now, and I may not have known that before. I know how to love the deepest, and most passionate way. And I'm really fucking proud of that.

I miss you more than you know. But I get it...and I will eventually learn to forgive you.

Shit

What a fucking crappy hand I keep getting dealt. I guess this can only mean one thing: Some REALLY GOOD STUFF must be coming down the pike any day now. Right?

At any rate, Nick is now the official "X" and I'm basically a big fucking mess this weekend. My grandmother's memorial service was this past Saturday, and that wasn't exactly fun either.

He dumped me because we are just too "different" which is completely lame and I just don't get it. I'll never get it. I called him today for closure and all he really had to say was "Sorry." I asked him again if there was someone else, and he said "no." I asked me again if this was really what he wanted and he said "'Want' isn't the right word."

I wasn't expecting much.

Some good things about all of this:
1. I no longer have to deal with an ex-wife.
2. I no longer have to carry around two phones all of the time.
3. I no longer have to pay for expensive plane tickets or go more months than not without seeing my boyfriend.
4. I can finally decide whether or not I want to REALLY move out of my apartment and into a better one.
and 5. I can be single with the rest of my friends for the summer.

So...there's that stuff. I wish this was easier and didn't completely suck so much. But...as Fiona would say:
"It ended bad, but I love where we started."
And..."What wasted unconditional love...on somebody who doesn't believe in the stuff...oh well!"

Thanks for everything.

I know it's been a long time...

But news requires an entry.

After a harrowing weekend of stressing about whether or not my boyfriend was alive (he is) because I couldn't get a hold of him, I am once again blindsided by the harsh reality of relationships.

He can't do it anymore.

And so...I'm lost.

Hot Damn!

Party people!!

For some completely random and barely explicable reason, momma got a 10% raise!!!!!! Actually, it's a bit more than that. And who really cares if it has nothing to do with merit? I sure as hell don't.

Yay!! Celebration!!

Ha!

Perhaps I'm not so much of a jerk! Fooled you!

With the end of my time here very much upon me, I'm doing less and less work as each day passes. It is alternatively awesome and riddled with guilt.

Let me take this especially low motivation moment to speak of the most horrifying, yet also most hilarious/enjoyable, dog incident.

Two weekends ago, as I've noted in past entries, I went to see dear Aimee in PA/NJ. Whilst there, I joined Aimee at her friend's house for a bit of dog-sitting and pad-watching. Said friend was on "The Shore" with her fat, disgusting, mindless boyfriend (I'm paraphrasing) and entrusted dear, sweet Aimee to watch her dear, sweet puppy, Maggie.

Although Aimee warned me that Maggie would not only be a Pit Bull, but also that she would be less than friendly, I continued to insist that all animals love me and I'm sure she'll warm up to us in no time.

When we walked into said friend's condo through the garage, there was Maggie, within her kennel, in all of her growling, spitting, barking, terrifying glory. While Aimee urged me not to make eye contact, I scurried up the stairs to the second floor, thoroughly shaken by my close encounter with one of those beaten, fighting dogs on Animal Police. It was just like that.

While the shenanigans proceeded, I felt utterly hopeless that I would never, ever get to cuddle such a gorgeous dog. She was horrifying, but at the same time was just completely scared of us and kept avoiding any sort of interaction. Anytime we tried to go near her, she growled. Anytime Aimee tried to take her outside, she wouldn't pee and then would come in and drop a deuce on the carpet instead.

The following evening, I was determined to be snuggling doggy style by Sunday morning. I sat next to Maggie on the window sill where she took up lodging (in order to get as far away from us as possible) while Aimee cooked us a lovely meal of beans and meat. While Maggs continued to look weary, she did let me touch her.

Then, the most incredible thing happened! While Aimee and I were lying on the floor in the living room watching a movie, the Maggenator started playing with us and rolling around and showing true love! It was magical.

Magical...

Things would be so much easier if everyone just did things like I do them

When Elaine says "I'm ready to clean today" one would assume she means the office as a whole. One would also assume the same when she follows up with "This place is a mess."

Alas, dear friends, it means she is going to go through the mountains of papers she has on her own desk. This is a ritual that occurs once every couple of months and takes her an entire afternoon. I have no idea how she acrues the shit that she does because I don't seem to have the same need to purge my desk every so often. Maybe that's because I'm actually organized and not a scatterbrained freak. Who knows.

The promise to finish my stories of the Tri-State area was nevery fulfilled, I know. I'm such a jerk.

As of May 22nd, not only will I be beginning a new chapter at Private Sector Technology Company, but the boy will also begin a new job that I (eh em) procured for him.

I'm running low on awesome juice.

The Ultimate Frustration

If I could stick a gasoline soaked sock in Elaine's mouth right now and light it, I would.

Yes, it's that bad today.

The Turnpike, mean doggies and the left lane debacle

All this and more in...where else? JERSEY!

As most of you know, I was born, raised, left for a bit, came back, left for a bit to go to JERSEY, came back then left for a longer while to NH and now I'm right back where I started...the beautiful state of Massachusetts. The only good state left, really.

Sure, there are bad things: Taxes, politics, white trash, snow, not where boyfriend or two best friends in the world live...But most of the stuff is good. And by good I mean just less shitty than everywhere else.

Take Jersey for example. I may be a Masshole, but at least I get the hell out of the way when someone is coming up my ass in the left lane of a four lane highway going 90 MPH. Those Jersians and New (Eastern, state of) Yorkers? Those fuckers have NO FEAR. They don't care if you bump them a couple times while you're behind them. No matter what their speed, they feel entitled to that left lane spot. They were there FIRST. They will NOT move, under any circumstances. Massholes? For the most part, they get the hell out of the way.

Also in Jersey, I found the first dog (not the last) that didn't actually like me.

Suspense killing you???

Stay tuned...

Jersey My Home

I'm the Garden State visiting I'd have to say my bestest and longest time friend. She's a bit obsessed with cleaning her apartment right now (we have so much in common!) so I thought I'd take a minute for an update.

Unfortunately, this lap top keyboard kind of pisses me off, so this will be brief, but check it out...

Aimee lives very near Philly (wear the boy lived for quite some time) and, not only that, but she used to live in the same town as the boy...and we passed his old apartment today, which I was hope was where he still lived, because then maybe I could see him because it's been...three months since we've seen each other. :( I try not to focus on the negative but it's tough. I'm not gonna lie.

BUT there are only three weeks left until I get to finally move over to my new, substantially better job.

Yay!!

And plus, no one can be sad around Aimee.

Find that Spam

There is SPAM in the blog...somewhere...I can smell it.

I can't FIND it to DELETE it. They do this shit on purpose.

One beer queer

I don't like to use the word queer but it ryhmes with beer so...it isn't meant to be offensive so just don't get offended. Ok?

I went "out" last night with a work friend. Now, when I went "out" in college, it usually involved at least two rounds of Kamikazee shots, one shotgunned beer and at least 10 minutes of table dancing. There were (for sure) some red cups in the mix...maybe a few ping pong balls. There was always a shirtless, vomitting wonder (not usually me) and no doubt an overflowing toilet. There was the frat house, the floor of which was covered entirely in sand for their semi-annual "beach" party, pole dancing, same-sex make out sessions and...well, I could go on for quite some time.

Ah yes, the good old days.

Don't get me wrong...I had a very nice time last night. It was just...not like college.

Now, "out" typically means over-priced beers (2), some deep, meaningful conversation (5+) and a server almost always dressed in all black (1). Everyone has their shirt on, and no one (usually) vomits. I'm safe in bed by 10pm.

I don't know when the transition occured but I think it has something to do with having to get up at 6am and not being able to sleep through work like I did through class.

My most exciting weekend plans used to involve keg stands (3), hook-ups (I'll be conservative and say 3), kegs and eggs (2) and perhaps some quality time at the library (-4).

Now well...I'm getting up at 7am tomorrow morning to get mud flaps put on the car (chilling), getting my haircut at 11am (much needed), then running errands, after which I'll drive to a friend's house where we will make dinner and watch movies and I'll probably be asleep by 11pm, at the latest.

I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss college.

Taxachusetts

I don't understand. Why do I have to pay tax on a car that I already bought, paid for AND paid the sales tax on? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

It hasn't made me angry before because I've never bought a new car. But it makes me angry now...especially because an extra $315 is not something that I have kicking around. I mean...I HAVE it, but I really don't want to reliquenish it. Especially to this state, and especially because I ALREADY PAID THE FUCKING TAX.

In other not so good news, I don't start my new position for just over a month. The politics in this company kill me......until then, I've been told to "Give 100%!!"

And I ask "Why wouldn't I??" Didn't I just get offered a position BECAUSE I give OVER 100%? Will I know just cross my arms and not perform my current job for the next month? Tempting, yes! Smart move? NO.

Seriously...Am I missing something? Am I actually "special" and no one has told me?

(I sincerely apologize for all of the caps...and I do understand that the last question is an easy target. But be kind...I beg you.)

I'm trying so hard not to imagine myself with red,beady eyes

With the warmer weather comes the desire to wear a bit less clothing. Unfortunately, the reflection off of my skin has already caused a few car accidents and one man to go blind. His name is Larry. He's nice.

Something must be done.

I struggle with this every year. I don't like tanning and the thought of self tanner just seems so disastrous, despite the new advancements. Or may it's that I really don't care...and I'm lazy. I'd much rather through on SPF 8 and bake myself by the pool. That just sounds so much more relaxing and wholesome. Doesn't it?

What I do know is that in past years when I've gone down to FL in the spring, I have definitely offended some senior citizens with the color of my skin. But at least I could establish a base before anyone up here could see my legs.

My skin is green under these lights, I swear. And no one likes to see that. Or my super blue leg veins. Damn my Polish blood!!

(shakes fist in the air)

FUCK YES!!

well well well.
Yee of little faith.

I got the job.

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel microscopic

Blahhh!

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Still no decision, on any front. BUT, there are some developments.

Interview number four is tomorrow. My would-be-Boss has decided that he just really wants to make sure he's making the right decision...apparently. He's coming here to watch me do my job...the same job I would be doing there...but kind of different. It will be for about two hours, which is fine. I'm preparing, making sure I'm organized and look like I know what's up.

Honestly, I've lost my will. I'm about ready to spit in his face and tell him to take this fucking job and shove it.

Alas, I think that would be a setback. So I'll refrain.

But in the land of extremely good news (thankfully!), Sexy Mama has retained permanent employment and we are just so proud of her. But we knew it would happen. I mean...duh!

In the land of random news, due to burning the candle at both ends, I will smell like ham most of the day on Thursday. Go ahead and guess why...

Just like the end of Old Yeller

Bring in the WAAAAAAAAAHmulance, my people. I'm in a shitty mood.

Private Sector Technology Company, in conjuction with Successful Recruiting Firm #1, has decided that they will make me wait another week to tell me whether or not I have the job.

I'm not happy. If I'm not what you think you need, just fucking tell me and I'll move on and figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do next.

What little respect I had left (and it's a VERY little bit) for this whole shitcan is dissipating...and quickly.

Added to that, Elaine has just relayed to me that she is VERY proud of herself for actually remembering to attach files to appropriate pages in our database. Wow...that's impressive. Especially since my seven year old neice has been doing that for about a year and a half now.