E-crush

I'm all sorts of unwound.

First of all...my dearest Jennifer is in love! I'm floored...and so happy for her, despite my cynical "Beware of Dog" warnings. Since Jen has never been in love before, it's a magical time for her. I'm trying to reach back in the recesses to remember...

In other news, I've just read a profile on Eharmony and instantly developed an e-crush. So now I will wait...wait...wait for a reply. And try not to obsess. After all...I have much much better things to do.

Like look up e-crush on urbandictionary.com

Sick

We had free dessert brought to the office today for our great business and blah blah blah. I think you all know what a sweet tooth I have (thanks a lot, DAD). And just looking at me you can deduce that I love to EAT.

Here's a short list of what was on the menu:

*Strawberry Shortcake
*Four Layer Chocolate Trifle
*Chocolate covered strawberries
*Blueberry Lemon Creme Brulee Tart
*Mini cakes including but not limited to: Carrot (with cream cheese frosting of course), Lemon Tart, Cheesecake
*Mini cannolis (I didn't get one!)
and...of course...your standard fruit platter. I ate all of the pineapple.

I am SICK and busting out of my pants.

Lord!

I'm falling apart

Do you ever get warts? Well, I'm pretty sure I do. I remember warts from my childhood. My cousin and I shared bunk beds at one point and my aunt would come in before bed and burn her warts off her hands. And she would cry. At least this is how I remember. I'm sure it's not accurate at all.

Anywho...I've gotten a few on my fingers in the past year and I've quickly gotten rid of them, only after having to buy actual wart remover. I think I'm turning into a witch. The warts (which I now have found on MY FEET), combined with the new, enormous pimples that I now get frequently on my cheeks, combined with the fact that my pants are a bit snug, makes me quite the hot mess.

The timing of all this...with the equinox upon me...it just isn't good.

But I'm thinking my hair looks pretty damn good and sucking my gut in all day is really good for my abs. Bring on the six pack!

The new plan

So I'm planning on going out towards the end of this week with some lady friends in order to search for my man. I was wondering what would be the most effective way to do so.

This is what I came up with:

I'll just go up to guys and if they seem cool after some small talk just be like "Want to be my boyfriend? I'm a GREAT girlfriend. I'm low maintenance and really like action movies and baseball and have a 14 year old's sense of humor AND I give great head."

I'm liking it...

Good News and not so good news

I went to a wedding, got SO hammered (last time was around June) and DID NOT sleep with anyone!

Instead, I made out with two different people.

Now...I know what you are thinking.

"Stephanie?!!?! You ignorant slut! I thought you turned over a new leaf!?!??"

And my reply:

"I know. It doesn't sound great. And I'm embarrassed with my behavior, since I'm not 19 anymore and I shouldn't be making out with people in bathrooms like I'm a horny co-ed at a frat party (those were the days, weren't they??). BUT it's progress. I'm a passionate, sexual woman with needs, and trust me, it could have been much MUCH worse."

Hooray! I am determined to celebrate the victories, no matter how inconsequential.

The not so good news: The following day (Saturday) I reached a new low point and I threw up in a Wal-Mart bathroom. On a very busy Saturday morning.

Ew.

Other not so good news: I still have yet to meet my man. 13 days and counting until the official end of the summer. Time is running out. Don't be surprised if I run away to a nunnery or leper colony. They might be the only two groups of people accepting of me after the mockery I made out of myself at a stranger's wedding...in New Hampshire...and yes, I fell on my ass a few times. I have the bruises and grass stains to prove it.

But get this! I kept my 3 inch heals on the whole time. I actually blame them exclusively for my fall. I'm sure my high level of intoxication has nothing at all to do with it. Nah.

LinkedIn is freaking me out

Like Whoa!

So I get invitations from time to time from people that I used to work with to "Join their network." (If you aren't familiar with LinkedIn, you must go and join. It is a fantastic networking tool and you can reconnect with old colleagues and find new jobs for you and other people, very cool stuff). So I received one such invitation today and, after I accepted it (from an old friend at a former company), there is a list of people that comes up "Other people you might know that you want to connect to" and guess who comes up?

Ready...

MATCH PETER. Oh yeah. I'm actually connected to him through a THIRD level of connection.

AND...

eH JOHN...TOTALLY RANDOM.

I shit you NOT! How does it know my SHAME???

Well that's just fucking depressing

Ugh.

I was going to start by telling you how wonderful and relaxing my weekend was and how I felt rejuvenated and how I'm so thrilled that my laptop isn't doing that "Oh I'll just shut the screen off in the middle of you doing something important and make you really mad" thing. And how I'm perfectly fine with the fact that I haven't had a date in a while and I'm feeling good, even if the summer is coming to a close...in a fast and huge way, that is OK, there is still plenty of time. And work is going along well and my hair is looking decent and non-mullet-y...and such.

And then I look at my eHarmony and Match accounts and feel so hopeless that I just want to eat a box of cookies and watch "The Notebook" over and over and OVER again. All of a sudden, I feel as though my window of opportunity to meet my man is going to pass by me and I'll be alone forever, and that the rest of the weekends of the summer I am either away at weddings or not hanging around the city. God, why did I move here? I am NEVER here! I'm just so frustrated. And miserable.

Sorry.

I wish....

That one of the choices for "Closing the Match" on eHarmony was "Because you sound like an arrogant asshole."

If only.

I'm just saying...

Who needs a boyfriend OR a power drill when there is such a wonderful thing as double sided 3M tape?

Not this girl!

Mini blinds INSTALLED and secure. Easy as pie.

:)

Love in an Elevator

Yeah no. I wish. I just really like the song.

Nothing too new to update. eH Jason is still rather chatty with me online...and I'm trying to train him to understand that talking to me everyday isn't really standard...because I'm NOT his girlfriend. I think he's getting it. It's kind of horrible, but the attention is nice. What an evil woman I am.

What else? The concert was AWESOME. Jen and I came ridiculously close to meeting Adam and then totally chickened out. It was fun and absolutely hilarious because she all but pushed me into a Port-o-Potty. A complete comedy of errors. Still a wonderful time, as always with Ms. Jennifer.

I went to a wedding on Saturday. It was a semi-nightmare. For a few reasons. First of all, it wasn't my wedding. Second of all, it was the wedding of someone who should NOT be getting married before I do. Third of all, it was the following times about ten: That awkward conversation you have with people that you went to high school with when you bump into them and kind of have to talk to them even though you never talked to each other in high school...and the small talk is torturous and you hate your life for those 3 minutes that seem like 15? Over a period of 5 hours. With no hard alchohol. And on a farm. And I was bloated. And my Dad was pimping me out.

Someone actually asked me the following question: "So why were you invited?"

My response? "There always has to be a guest that looks better than the bride."
Smile and wink. This was followed immediately by a nervous laugh from the person I was talking to and me saying "Please, I'm kidding."

Sarcasm was officially dead. And really...that's all I got.

As if it couldn't get any worse

I'm sitting here at the desk, minding my own business, when I look down to discover (with horror) that my high wasted white capri pants have turned my lower stomach into a protruding blob of goo.

Awesome.

A would be rant

So I started to write this really angry post about how much I hate eHarmony and all the guys on it and how dating totally sucks and how I hate this week...so much.

But really. Tomorrow will be better. I will see Adam, in all his bloated glory and I will sing along to every song at the top of my lungs until I lose my voice and I will drink cheap beer and maybe even throw up on the stranger next to me. It will be euphoric.

And plus...my life isn't that hard. This week has just been kind of shitty and I'm sick of dealing with all of it.

Then on Saturday...I have to attend a wedding. My parents will be there and I'm sure I'll hang out with them most of time, because they will be more fun than anyone from high school that I was never really friends with then, so why hang out with them now. And I will try so hard not to be depressed about the fact that there will be people there from high school who are married...and how I am not even close to being married...

Fucking eHarmony. If I didn't pay all that money for it, I'd call it in.

The beat goes on

eH Jason handled the rejection really well. The poor thing...he asked "why" which is just an indication that he's gotten the same line before. He is very nice, but just sort of a lumbering jughead.

Insert heavy, heavy sigh here.

What's a girl to do? I ran away to the Cape on Saturday morning and returned yesterday morning. I haven't gotten up at 4:30am since the last time I needed to catch a flight. Bru-tal. My day went surprisingly well however...despite some trauma in the workplace which I of course cannot disclose in this forum. Let's just say I'm having some trouble trying to keep everyone happy and keep the natives at bay. It is a difficult task. To add to it, my trusty office administrator has been gone for a day and a half now so I'm balancing the front desk duties with the rest of the work load. It wouldn't be especially taxing if I could retain any amount of information, which apparently I cannot.

I don't feel as if my life is an busier than before, yet it seems there is too much to do and not enough room in my head to remember to do it all. Drop off dry cleaning, pick up dry cleaning, go grocery shopping, clean apartment, read magazines, finish reading the book you've been reading for almost a year, watch netflix movies, return phone calls (this has become an unpredictably daunting task), change sheets, call about new doctor, deposit expense check...I won't continue to bore you. I'm just not sure why I can't get my act together and get it all done. What has happened to me?

The good news: Lunch happens soon and it's a beautiful day.

Oh oh oh! And let's not forget the Counting Crows concert on Friday!!!!

The theme from Jaws is the theme of my dating life

I have date number three with eH Jason tonight. I promised myself I would give him another fair shot, and go into it with a positive attitude. I deserve that, and so does he.

Unforunately, he hasn't let me take a breath all week. He talks to me CONSTANTLY all day online. I tell him I'm busy in hopes he'll get the hint. He stays away for a while, but then pipes back in. It's too much. It's overkill. He's all "entertain me" and "you are the coolest girl I have ever met" and "I really like your perfume...what kind is it?" He's being more a girl than I am. Let's not forget his "All you need to do is bat those eye lashes at me and I'll be your slave" line. And did I mention the over use of emoticons??

I'm sure he'll be a great guy for a lovely lady, but he isn't for me.

Let me explain why. I haven't done anything to deserve his seemingly undying devotion and attention. I've been on two dates with him. That's it. He confessed to me today that he had even less of a spine in his past relationship. MAN she must have been a bossy bitch. I feel bad for him...but I don't want an errand boy/slave. I want a man, a man with passion. There's no fire in this guy. He thinks his job is boring and he wants to move out in the middle of nowhere...he doesn't like to drive...he likes techno music...he talks through movies...he has a cat...he doesn't seem to care too much about his appearance. Sure, some of that is petty and trivial. But add it all up, folks! There's just nothing there. And trust me...I would like there to be. Like I said...he's nice, he's dependable, I have no doubt he'd make a great Dad.

Kissing him is like kissing my brother...if I had one.

the break down

No no, not a breakdown...THE break down. Different.

I realized today that one of the reasons I may be pre-sabotaging a third date with eH Jason (not his real name) is that I STILL don't believe I deserve a happy and healthy relationship. Sure, the self doubt is ever present but I'm betting my $$ that this is NOT the reason. Jason is making himself too available and it just isn't challenging. But then again...I'd be complaining about how men are so impossible to understand if he was giving me any kind of run around. Maybe as a woman...I really WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED. Holy shit...the prospect of that is just horrifying. HAVE I BECOME THAT GIRL??

I know I've gone over this before...over and over, again and again. But here it is: I can't date. I have no idea how to "take things slow" and "get to know someone." I jump right in...it feels so natural and good and...exciting. But obviously it hasn't worked out for me...not one bit.

Another thing that's got me thinking how much of a complete crazy bitch I am...I'm still pretty caught on what that psychic said to me. I don't know...do I cut and run with this guy now, because I think I just KNOW, already, that he isn't Mr. Right? Or do I date him...let it run it's course...and keep my eyes out for whatever else may come along?

The summer is running short. I'm not sure if I can risk wasting the time.

Or maybe I need to do this first, before I get to meet him.

Fuck all. I'm stumped. And I'm all over the place. I need a cookie.



FINE. ANOTHER cookie.

F*&CKERS!!!

Match renewed my account...before I could cancel it.

They have a "no refund" policy and an "automatic renewal" policy.

An excellent example of why I should actually read the "Terms and Conditions" before I check that god damn box.

Someday will prince my come

It just wasn't today.

Yep...the same thing is happening again.

It's one extreme or another.

Let me break it down for you.

1. I meet a guy, I am instantly physically attracted to him and he is completely wrong for me...we go on a couple dates, he's another notch in my bed post....nothing more. End scene.

2. I meet a guy, he's nice, he's into me, he seems normal and I am...not interested. But then I give it another chance with the idea that perhaps he'll grow on me and I shouldn't make snap judgments. But when I do give it another chance, it just ends with me delaying the painfully (for him) inevitable.

Earlier this year...we had lots of ones, with a few twos sprinkled in. For the past couple of months...it's all twos.

I guess...I'd rather have the twos.

Or at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Oh my word

All of a sudden, I have tons to tell you.

1. I have discovered the most potent version of reality TV crack and it is Scott Baio is 45...and Single. Just...watch it.

2. Match.com is a fuck. They automatically renewed my subscription a day ago and I cannot cancel it, according to their "policy." Who reads that?!?!?

3. I have a date this weekend...with a boy...

What was I thinking

I bought garlic bread pretzel bits. They are amazingly delicious.

The downside: I have the worst taste in my mouth that I cannot seem to get rid of. I don't like using mouth wash, but I might have to dig out the emergency supply. Either that or everyone at my morning meeting will smell my second day garlic breath.

Although, now that I think of it, that may cut the torture of the monday morning meeting down to mere minutes. Maybe I'll skip the mouthwash...

Has anyone ever seen Requium for a Dream? That shit is messed UP.

Some things I forgot to tell you because I am over tired and have ADD

1. Today, I became a Notary Public. If you need something notarized, that will be $20, please. Or you can buy me a couple drinks, a mani pedi, whatever.

2. I'm talking to this guy on eHarmony. I just found out he's from MAINE. Ugggggghhhh.