The beat goes on

eH Jason handled the rejection really well. The poor thing...he asked "why" which is just an indication that he's gotten the same line before. He is very nice, but just sort of a lumbering jughead.

Insert heavy, heavy sigh here.

What's a girl to do? I ran away to the Cape on Saturday morning and returned yesterday morning. I haven't gotten up at 4:30am since the last time I needed to catch a flight. Bru-tal. My day went surprisingly well however...despite some trauma in the workplace which I of course cannot disclose in this forum. Let's just say I'm having some trouble trying to keep everyone happy and keep the natives at bay. It is a difficult task. To add to it, my trusty office administrator has been gone for a day and a half now so I'm balancing the front desk duties with the rest of the work load. It wouldn't be especially taxing if I could retain any amount of information, which apparently I cannot.

I don't feel as if my life is an busier than before, yet it seems there is too much to do and not enough room in my head to remember to do it all. Drop off dry cleaning, pick up dry cleaning, go grocery shopping, clean apartment, read magazines, finish reading the book you've been reading for almost a year, watch netflix movies, return phone calls (this has become an unpredictably daunting task), change sheets, call about new doctor, deposit expense check...I won't continue to bore you. I'm just not sure why I can't get my act together and get it all done. What has happened to me?

The good news: Lunch happens soon and it's a beautiful day.

Oh oh oh! And let's not forget the Counting Crows concert on Friday!!!!

The theme from Jaws is the theme of my dating life

I have date number three with eH Jason tonight. I promised myself I would give him another fair shot, and go into it with a positive attitude. I deserve that, and so does he.

Unforunately, he hasn't let me take a breath all week. He talks to me CONSTANTLY all day online. I tell him I'm busy in hopes he'll get the hint. He stays away for a while, but then pipes back in. It's too much. It's overkill. He's all "entertain me" and "you are the coolest girl I have ever met" and "I really like your perfume...what kind is it?" He's being more a girl than I am. Let's not forget his "All you need to do is bat those eye lashes at me and I'll be your slave" line. And did I mention the over use of emoticons??

I'm sure he'll be a great guy for a lovely lady, but he isn't for me.

Let me explain why. I haven't done anything to deserve his seemingly undying devotion and attention. I've been on two dates with him. That's it. He confessed to me today that he had even less of a spine in his past relationship. MAN she must have been a bossy bitch. I feel bad for him...but I don't want an errand boy/slave. I want a man, a man with passion. There's no fire in this guy. He thinks his job is boring and he wants to move out in the middle of nowhere...he doesn't like to drive...he likes techno music...he talks through movies...he has a cat...he doesn't seem to care too much about his appearance. Sure, some of that is petty and trivial. But add it all up, folks! There's just nothing there. And trust me...I would like there to be. Like I said...he's nice, he's dependable, I have no doubt he'd make a great Dad.

Kissing him is like kissing my brother...if I had one.

the break down

No no, not a breakdown...THE break down. Different.

I realized today that one of the reasons I may be pre-sabotaging a third date with eH Jason (not his real name) is that I STILL don't believe I deserve a happy and healthy relationship. Sure, the self doubt is ever present but I'm betting my $$ that this is NOT the reason. Jason is making himself too available and it just isn't challenging. But then again...I'd be complaining about how men are so impossible to understand if he was giving me any kind of run around. Maybe as a woman...I really WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED. Holy shit...the prospect of that is just horrifying. HAVE I BECOME THAT GIRL??

I know I've gone over this before...over and over, again and again. But here it is: I can't date. I have no idea how to "take things slow" and "get to know someone." I jump right in...it feels so natural and good and...exciting. But obviously it hasn't worked out for me...not one bit.

Another thing that's got me thinking how much of a complete crazy bitch I am...I'm still pretty caught on what that psychic said to me. I don't know...do I cut and run with this guy now, because I think I just KNOW, already, that he isn't Mr. Right? Or do I date him...let it run it's course...and keep my eyes out for whatever else may come along?

The summer is running short. I'm not sure if I can risk wasting the time.

Or maybe I need to do this first, before I get to meet him.

Fuck all. I'm stumped. And I'm all over the place. I need a cookie.



FINE. ANOTHER cookie.

F*&CKERS!!!

Match renewed my account...before I could cancel it.

They have a "no refund" policy and an "automatic renewal" policy.

An excellent example of why I should actually read the "Terms and Conditions" before I check that god damn box.

Someday will prince my come

It just wasn't today.

Yep...the same thing is happening again.

It's one extreme or another.

Let me break it down for you.

1. I meet a guy, I am instantly physically attracted to him and he is completely wrong for me...we go on a couple dates, he's another notch in my bed post....nothing more. End scene.

2. I meet a guy, he's nice, he's into me, he seems normal and I am...not interested. But then I give it another chance with the idea that perhaps he'll grow on me and I shouldn't make snap judgments. But when I do give it another chance, it just ends with me delaying the painfully (for him) inevitable.

Earlier this year...we had lots of ones, with a few twos sprinkled in. For the past couple of months...it's all twos.

I guess...I'd rather have the twos.

Or at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Oh my word

All of a sudden, I have tons to tell you.

1. I have discovered the most potent version of reality TV crack and it is Scott Baio is 45...and Single. Just...watch it.

2. Match.com is a fuck. They automatically renewed my subscription a day ago and I cannot cancel it, according to their "policy." Who reads that?!?!?

3. I have a date this weekend...with a boy...

What was I thinking

I bought garlic bread pretzel bits. They are amazingly delicious.

The downside: I have the worst taste in my mouth that I cannot seem to get rid of. I don't like using mouth wash, but I might have to dig out the emergency supply. Either that or everyone at my morning meeting will smell my second day garlic breath.

Although, now that I think of it, that may cut the torture of the monday morning meeting down to mere minutes. Maybe I'll skip the mouthwash...

Has anyone ever seen Requium for a Dream? That shit is messed UP.

Some things I forgot to tell you because I am over tired and have ADD

1. Today, I became a Notary Public. If you need something notarized, that will be $20, please. Or you can buy me a couple drinks, a mani pedi, whatever.

2. I'm talking to this guy on eHarmony. I just found out he's from MAINE. Ugggggghhhh.

Chaffage: Threat Level Orange

I am definitely wearing pants tomorrow.

And so it goes

So I met this GREAT guy yesterday who I would totally date. Score, right?

Shit no. Married with a baby on the way. That's super, wonderful, good for you, congratulations, oh you must be so happy and I'm sure your wife is super cute and teaches kindergarten. Wrong...she teaches second grade. He was amazed that I had correctly guessed his wife's profession. I'm good at reading people, you happy sap. It's a blessing and a curse.

I know. I sound terribly bitter. Everyone is married or having babies or engaged with big, shiny rings. I'm happy for them, really I am. I just maybe kinda sorta wish it could be my turn to just...you know...have someone to cuddle with that I also happen to be able to tolerate when we aren't having sex. Is that so much to ask?

But really, I exaggerate (what else is new). I'm feeling pretty good about the way things are going right now. I feel on the brink of something great.

At the moment, I am just really happy that things like AC and baby powder exist.

Shit goes missing

First it was a package at work last week (oh, the drama) THEN it was my Entertainment weekly for this week. Today at work, yet another package went missing, this time the sugar from our coffee company. We promptly ordered more sugar, only for the missing sugar to arrive 30 minutes after the emergency sugar order was delivered. Now we have a shit load of sugar.

Now...more of my mail at home has gone missing. Did the old man downstairs steal my Netflix delivery of Hotel Rwanda? Is he pouring over the new Harry Potter movie review in my EW? I know it's not the people on the second floor because they don't even pick up their own mail.

What the hell is going on? And could someone direct me to the vortex where all this stuff goes?

And I so rarely take the Lord's name in vein

Netflix is down. I really wanted to watch Zoolander on my computer. Now, I cannot.

Another sign from the heavens.

I just read a bit of my cousin's blog (online journal, whatever) and discovered that we could probably write each other's entries. I have an eerie sense of calm. Granted, she is a much better writer than I so I would probably want her writing my stuff but perhaps not so much the other way around.

But to my point: She was talking about putting a down payment on a townhouse. Oh wow...it just sounds so great. My own house!

And yeah...I would love to live in the city with a place to park my car, but I'm not affording it anytime within the next five years, and I want to buy something before then. Having a place of my own that doesn't smell like rotting old man and doesn't have a bathroom ceiling pealing what must be lead paint, even if in the burbs somewhere, is a fair trade.

And plus...I miss Waltham sometimes. Ok...I miss my driveway (with designated parking space) all the time.

Has it been so long?

July 12? That was the last time you heard from me, eh? Where DOES the time go.

I've been uninspired as of late. It isn't because we are fighting. I just haven't had anything all that moving to write to you about. And if I don't have anything entertaining to say, I shouldn't say anything at all, right?

Right.

My Match membership is coming to an end soon. No six month guarantee for me (that's when you get six months free if you don't find your "match" within six months)...I didn't follow the rules. We have Bill to thank for you. Well...that's not entirely fair. I did put too many eggs in one basket on that one. I have only myself to blame.

So eHarmony is plugging along. I'm seeing the usual amount of shut-in computer programmers and emailing with them until it's unbearable and then letting them down easy. Sigh. In fact, I was just writing an answer to the infamous "What have you learned from past relationships?" question when my computer screen went black. Everything seems to be up and running after a forced shut down and restart, so I'm taking that as a sign from the heavens that it just isn't the right time for me to be answering Joshua from Burlington's questions. So be it.

I think I'll watch Zoolander now.

Cheers.

Photo Shoot

Apparently there is a modeling agency around the corner from our office. Apparently they like to use the alley outside of my office window to take pitures and shoot videos of skinny women doing cart wheels and back flips. It's mildly entertaining. My favorite character is the kid who holds the reflective circle. He's the shit.

I'm exhausted. I need a nap.

I'm off to NH this weekend for some much needed R & R.

There has been an unwelcome cat in my apartment all week and I think one of the guys in the office has a crush on me. It's not mutual. I have a zit on the inside of my nose. My period has completely taken over my lower half. I loathe my hair.

Calgon take me away.

"And where is our next huge, embarrassing failure?"

Oh boy.

First of all, I'm losing my mind. I saw a copy of an email today that I had written back in March that I have absolutely no recollection of writing. I feel like such an asshole, as said email was proof that I had definitely inserted my foot into my mouth earlier today. The details aren't really the point. The point is that I have that feeling again...the feeling that I'm losing my grip.

As my step mother pointed out, no one is in the hospital because of it, so I need to chill out and move on. She makes a good point. But I still feel like such a moron because there are definitely a few little kids who will be very disappointed. What was I THINKING?

And it's still unsettling. I pride myself on being detail oriented and organized and all that. That is what I am really good at, so when stuff like this happens, it freaks me out and upsets me. A lot.

Second of all, eHarmony continues to send me complete duds. Are these guys serious? The profiles they write are pathetic. How am I supposed to wrap my hands around "I'm passionate about passion." Ugh. Just...stop.

Third of all, the weather is changing too fast and too frequently and it's making me dizzy. I've lived through 26 New England summers and it just never gets predictable. That could also be why I love it and would never trade it for anything.

I'm going to go to bed and will hopefully wake up tomorrow feeling better.

Fingers crossed (I'm doing that a lot lately).

Like watching the TV on the fuzz

I got quite a bit done yesterday. Maybe that justifies having done very little actual work this morning.

No one is around and it's painfully quiet and slow. I do so much better when I have a million things going on. Is there work to be done? Why yes, yes of course. Is it urgent or time sensitive? No, no not really.

This weekend is shaping up to be beautiful, even if ridiculously hot on Sunday.

eHarmony sent me another couple of duds and there is no action on Match. The guys that I am communicating with on eHarmony seem spineless and boring. But I am trying really hard not to judge too quickly.

I swear.

no one wants to work today

That's right, NO ONE.

The guy at eHarmony who sends me my matches is just having the best time playing with my emotions. He sent me a match today of a dude who is FIVE FOOT FIVE.

Hilarious.

chicka bwaaa waaaah

Yep, that's right.

Watch out! I'm feeling sexy...shit yes!

I'm going out tonight and I'm doing it UP.

And because I know you are asking yourself...Yes, I am bringing a stick.

My cock is Jammin'

Have I used that as a subject before? Hmmmm...if so, it deserves a second go around anyway.

I've determined that someone at eHarmony is playing a cruel, cruel joke on me. They are sending me engineers, architects and sales managers that look AND sound unattractive. I'm way past the whole "Even if he isn't that attractive, give him a chance! Maybe he will become cuter to you if he has the right personality." Uhm, no. I've tried it and it doesn't work. Not at all.

Maybe it's because a psychic told me I wouldn't meet Mr. Right online and I'm self actualizing, or maybe it's been 6 months online now and all I've gotten out of it is some completely random hook ups and a skinny red head crying on my chest... I gave it a fair shot, right? The ole college try?

I'm kicking myself for committing to eHarmony for 6 months. I mean...it's good to keep myself out there or whatever but I just have this feeling it won't amount to anything.

Sigh.

Or maybe I need to be more positive.

Meanwhile, I am accepting every single invitation I receive to go out in public and be social. Laundry and adult responsiblities be damned! Mr. Right could be anywhere at anytime!

DO IT.

Sing us a song

I gave my phone number to a piano player on Saturday night.

I'll let you know if he actually calls. Even if he doesn't, I'm glad I did it. If I keep putting myself out there, something is bound to stick.

Hott Follow Up

Remember I was talking about lunch with DC? Well, he had this to say about aforementioned gooey couple:

One thing you missed on Sunday, when the guy came over for some
lovey-dovey with his chicky, he scored himself a boob squeeze (the left
sister). Have to love the public displays.

HAHHAHAHHAHAH.

ew.

Decision!

For quite some time now, I have been uncertain about whether or not I want to become a mother. I've been thinking about it seriously since the beginning of year and have been wavering back and forth.

I didn't realize until today that I had already made the decision. One of my co-workers thought that a picture I have up on my desk with my neice was that of me and my daughter. At first, that sounded so outrageous to me...that I could have a daughter!

And then he said this: "I just assumed, because you are so accomodating and pleasant, you seem like you would make a great mother."

I think that is THE nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me.

So that is THAT.

Hottt

Yep.

This is the FIRST summer I have an air conditioner, so I'm feeling pretty happy right now. The best part...that shit was FREE.

I don't feel great tonight. I don't know if it's the heat or because I'm just really tired. It's just past 8 and I want to go to bed as soon as it's dark enough.

Work has been keeping me pretty busy. I never write, I never call. I'm a terrible blogger. Shame.

But I have GREAT news. I bought Counting Crows tickets today. Me and the prettiest girl in the whole wide world are going to see them in August! I'm so lucky! I finally get to see my favorite band in concert. I'm so excited. Yippeee!

A short story for your enjoyment:

I was out to lunch in Brookline this past Saturday with an old friend (big shout out to DC...I can't fing the address to your blog! Send, please) at a fairly crowded restaurant. The tables were small, two by two, one side a long booth bench, the other side chairs. I was on the booth side, DC on the chair side. A couple sat down next to us, the guy on the same side as DC. Well, in the middle of their meal OUT OF NOWHERE, the dude gets up from his seat and plops himself down next to the girl and directly on my purse...pratically in my lap. I could only stare with (jealous) disdain. It pushes my "I hate when a couple goes to a diner and sits on the same side of the booth" button.

I won't have it.

It's official

City life is getting the best of me.

There are typically two options for parking at work on the days that I am lazy, want to sleep in and chose to drive to work (every day so far except for one):
1. The garage, $10/day
2. Resident permit street parking...free

Today, I had the option of two different spots that fall under the number two category. There are not often any permit parking spots available. Unfortunately, since I am so new to living in the city and all the joys that come along with it, I grew extremely frustrated and embarrassed after repeated attempts to parallel park in both of the said spaces, each plenty large enough to contain Lola.

With each attempt, cars piled up behind me on busy A Street and, for quite a few moments, I was "that girl."

I hang my head very low in shame as I admit to you that I parked in the garage.

Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.

Some people can be real assholes

Gawd what is UP with that?

Maybe I'm too self aware for my own good. And maybe it's my way or the high way (hmmm...kind of), but I do know one thing for sure: I'm a fucking good person.

I've been questioning this lately and I shouldn't be. For some reason I seek approval from sources I'll never get it from. Sounds like a pretty miserable (and losing) battle, right? Ah...yeah.

(I know a certain few of you just love it when I answer my own questions. I must oblige.)

So I officially banish all the assholes that cause me to doubt myself.

And self doubt be gone!

Making it or breaking it

Alright. I need to start believing in myself more. That's the deal.

It's been suggested I start with some self actualization. (Could this be a way to fill in the next 20 minutes when the dryer will be done? Perhaps...)

It was also suggested that I write down what I want in a relationship. Not in a guy. In a relationship. Or maybe I could do both.

This is harder than I thought. But you know how I love lists.

What I want in a romantic relationship (in the order I thought of them):
*Love
*Respect
*Open communication
*Patience
*Understanding
*Belching contests
*Laughing fits
*Amazing, mind blowing sex that never gets boring (perhaps this one is a stretch)
*Comfort
*No matter where we are together, it feels like we are home
*To see each and every part of each other's personality and accept each for what they are, even if that means the occasional disagreement (and resulting make up sex, fingers crossed).
*Passion: physical, emotional, intellectual
*Lots of non-annoying and non-clingy snuggling (totally possible!)
*Mutual interests and some different ones, just enough to keep it interesting
*Mutual interest in each other (like uhm...we need to want to get it on with each other every once in a while)
*The understanding that from time to time, we both need some alone time

I'll stop there...maybe I'll update it later.

New mantra:
I deserve to be in a loving relationship!

Let the manifestations begin!

Where the f*ck have you been

I know, right?

Gawd I'm sorry. How many times will I write a message like this, only to let you down time and time again? Many, upon many more, I'm sure. It just never gets old!

Alright. When my mind is working overtime, you know what I like, right??

LISTs!!!

1. New Pad. I've settled in quite nicely. Within the last two weeks, I've built myself a closet, scrubbed a large kitchen floor entirely on my hands and knees (the feeling of accomplishment was only a level or two below college graduation), (started to) reorganize a pantry, detailed the kitchen stove and, last but not least, unpacked my shit! There is still much to be done. I have yet to hang anything on my walls. To come, to come.

2. New J-O-B. Yeah, it's still new. It's new until it doesn't feel new anymore. It's heating up, for sure. I'm in charge of the office and the livelihood of everyone in it. I love the responsibility but it does not come without some serious frustrations. For instance, I worked on an extremely complex spreadsheet today for about three hours (I don't know Excel for shit), only to have my computer just spontaneously restart and then lose all my work...because our network is a piece of crap. Now, I have to go into work on SUNDAY because I was not about to stay late on a Friday night, even if my plans were to go to the mall, CVS, the grocery store and finally, my bed. Not cool, my friends! However, I don't mind too much because mama is getting PAID.

3. Dating still blows. I've been on two dates with this guy from eHarmony (we'll call him...John) and, while he's sweet and charming and pretty decent looking, there is absolutely nothing there! So sad. No other current prospects, hence a blog entry at 11 on a Friday night...while paying bills...and waiting for laundry to dry.

Wow. No one ever told me that 26 would be this exciting!

I promise I'll get back into the swing of writing to you. Just cut this poor, exhausted girl a bit of slack. Her lingering sinus infection thanks you!

Yes yes I am alive

I'm sorry I haven't written. I really, really am. Ok...so I've only had one person mention to me about how I hadn't written. Maybe I've lost your interest. In all honesty, I don't blame you. I haven't been all too entertaining as of late, even to myself.

I moved last Friday with the help of my dear old dad. It was fun hanging out with him for the day. He did some minor fixes for me around the new place and then was off. I've finally gotten settled into my room for the most part. I really like the new room. It's bright and the set up is great (if I do say so myself), more room than I thought. The one outlet has turned out to be a non-issue...but we all knew that. Or I can at least pretend I knew that.

Work is getting busier as I am getting more responsiblity. Last week pretty much sucked, but only because I had to fit five days into three. This week is going well so far. I like the added responsibility and I'm learning quite a bit, which is why I made the switch.

I could really use another day off to clean the kitchen in the new place. It's the biggest room in the apartment and no one has paid any attention to it in a long time. In short, it's really gross. Project!

The online dating is a bit dull right now. I haven't had so much time to sort through everything, but once I am more settled, you know I will put the details up for the world to see.

I've also come down with a sinus infection and I'm really tired and still a bit overwhelmed. But hang in there...I will be entertaining again soon!

It works, it's waaaay true

So I've been told by many wise people that, when one is happy and content and giving off a warm, welcoming vibe, one will attract others, be they men, women or children, with that same vibe.

I have to say, all those wise people were (are!) very correct.

Certain people in my life are falling by the way side and moving quickly into their place are some truly fantastic individuals that I already feel incredibly lucky to know. They know who they are...And those wonderful people who were already there, cheering me along this whole time? I owe you...big time.

Online dating update: eHarmony is chugging right along. For those of you who know how it works, I am in "open communication" with two guys so far (and in only four days!) and have questions out to several other suckers. eHarmony is like a hermedically sealed version of Match. Body condoms for everyone!

Speaking of Match...Some really cool, artsy looking dude wrote me back on Match despite the rather daunting rant that I wrote to him yesterday. He has a pretty old school name and is a graphic designer. Nice.

As for any other previously mentioned Match-tastrophes...fuck you!

The move is going well. I had a minor set back yesterday because I started to freak out about the following things, in no particular order: Both my new roommates have boyfriends, the bathroom is really small and there doesn't seem to be anywhere for me to put my things, there is absolutely no storage in the kitchen and I have no idea how I am going to watch TV without anything to put the TV ON. But then I took a deep breath, felt sorry for myself for a while, watched X-Men, and kept packing.

It will be great, it will be great...

!!!

No you didn't!

Oh yes, oh yes I did.

I am now officially on eHarmony.

Hookup.com

Somewhere along the line, Match.com has become the virtual bar filled with horny people, just looking for that hot hook up. When did this happen? I'm not sure. I think some time shortly after I joined. It's a bummer, but at least I know it now. It helps to justify and explain quite a bit. I'll see out the rest of my paid membership but then I'm done. I've been told I should try e-harmony...we'll see. I might take a break for a while from the virtual dating world. Overall, it doesn't seem to suit me.

SO. I'm watching the American Idol finally and most of it is pretty boring...and this is pretty typical. Clive Davis has one foot in the grave...still. Carrie Underwood's hair keeps getting bigger. Kelly is still amazing. Jennifer Hudson thinks her shit doesn't stink (and well, it doesn't). Ryan is amazingly sarcastic. Tony B., Smokey, Gladys, those weird people that Melinda sang with...

Some surprises: They seemed to have let Justin Guarini (and his hair) in the building. They have let Sanjaya sing again...and it's the worst performanc he had all season. Really? The finale could have done without this little extra tidbit. Ew. He's so awful. Green Day singing John Lennon? Nice.

I voted for Blake three times last night. I am almost positive that Jordin will win the title. They will both be wonderfully rich. Good for them.

Do people still do work...at work?

Huh? What has happened?

I logged into my specially designated Match email and Match account a few times today, despite a hectic morning. It doesn't take long and there are so many other things that I would so much rather put off.

No return email from Match Dan just yet. HOWEVER between last night at 11pm and this afternoon, there was only one new person on my "Who has viewed me" list yet my profile had been viewed an additional 11 times. Do you know what that means? Yeah...I don't either. There were a few other prospects but nothing earth shattering. I won't be home tonight until late so I thought I would check in to see what was what. No bites. Hmph.

So the question we are all asking ourselves is...Why do I let the ebb and flow of an internet dating website have such an effect on my mood and feelings of datability? Eh...because I'm bored and I have no patience.

I like instant gratification, which is one of the characteristics that I'd like to change, if only minimally. It hasn't worked out for me in the past (at least relationship wise...shopping is another story) and I shouldn't expect it to now. Sure...it feels good at the time and maybe the day after, but what's after that? In all honesty, I would rather wait for "The One" for as long as I need to rather than have some dude who will probably turn out to be "Mr. Wrong" email me back mere hours after I send an email to him.

But that doesn't mean I won't obsess and complain about it. I need to draw the line somewhere.

I wonder how many times I have written an eerily similar blog entry...

Love is in the air. I'm breathing some different air.

So I'm back on Match. Right now, I'm emailing back and forth with a promising candidate. He already has a pretty common first name, but my new policy moving forward is to not use real first names. Heaven forbid some poor schmo stumble across my incredibly self indulgent blog and start reading about himself and the size of his unit in some horrifying, nightmare causing experience. I'm a bitch, but I'm not that evil. At least in this particular moment.

So...I will name him...Match Dan. Excellent!

Match Dan is 26 and lives in Cambridge, with what appears to be a pretty cushy engineering or IT job. He has an apartment with a porch overlooking downtown and even with roommates, that shit ain't cheap. He is blond and blue eyed, which I know is not typically what I lean towards but he's cute. He actually looks pretty familiar. One of his pictures is of him playing mini golf...extra points...and there are no pictures of him without his shirt on. More points. His profile is actually written as a cosmo style points quiz, which is witty and clever, and he manages to excute it without sounding like an arrogant prick. More points. I emailed him on Friday night and he emailed me back less than 24 hours later. Points, points, points. So I just replied to his email with a novel of an email that may or may not frighten him. Ahh...I just love testing the waters.

About my subject for this post...a wonderful woman, who has just entered my life recently, has found love. I could not be happier for her. I cannot think of anyone with a kinder heart who deserves it more. Does it also make me a bit sad and lots jealous? I would be lying if I said no. BUT, it's her time. She hardly expected this guy to call her after first meeting him and he has turned out to prove himself a kind and loving person. It's more than enough to make me shed tears of happiness for her!

In other news...I will obsessively refresh my Match Messages page until Match Dan writes me (or does not write me) back.

back in the saddle again

It didn't take long, did it?

All it takes is an emotional "that time of the month" and some new life realizations to give me that kick in the ass that I need. I love that I am constantly saying "I hate Match, I hate dating, I'm done with it, I'm done with men, Men suck..." etc. etc. then turn around and go on Match.com, not able to stay away from the self loathing for more than two weeks.

AAAAhhhh. She's back.

1 day, 3 posts

Remember before when I said that I thought there was something wrong with my computer?

Nothing in iTunes would play because I all of a sudden had no audio driver. Where did it go? I don't know...

But guess what?

I FIXED that shit. Go me!

dirty little secrets

I came home from work, started to undress to put on my sulking clothes, and realized that the internet was once again working.

So I sit here in my underware, ready to confess.

I logged into Match. It is May 14th...not quite June 1st.

I had 1 wink and 1 email in the last two weeks. The wink was from a friend, even though I TOLD him not to wink at me.

So that leaves the one email. It was entertaining and promising, but the profile is...no longer available.

I can't say I'm surprised or disappointed. This just reinforces that Match sucks.

But since I'm not a quitter, I just spend 20 minutes rewriting my profile. It's short and to the point. I think I finally figured out how to say who I am and what I want. So that was cool.

Let's see if the fish take the bate.

Black Sunday, etc. etc.

My internet was down at home yesterday. I have this sinking feeling that there is something wrong with my brand new laptop, because that would be quite fitting, wouldn't it? I closed it early last night and have had my fingers crossed since.

I cleaned out my closet (again) on Saturday night and spent about a third of the day yesterday trying to find somewhere I could dump (donate) my old crap. It's harder than you would think.

I'm trying to simplfy my life, like throw away old crap that I don't use or wear and replace with less, much nicer crap. So far, it's going like gangbusters.

I spent a small fortune on various sundries this weekend...clothes, shoes, jewelry, handbags, more crap I don't need...in hopes that the purchase of material goods would make me feel a little bit more perky, a bit more ready to face the world, my new job, my relocation and my lack of boyfriend.

It didn't work (at least not yet that I can tell) but it was very well intentioned.

Anyway. Yesterday was Mother's Day, otherwise referred to as Black Sunday by yours truly. I can never recall what I have done in year's past, but I seem to remember being out and about on at least a few occasions, and being extremely annoyed by the happiness and love that filled the air at any retail location. Mothers and daughters shopping together, the daughter's wearing a t-shirt saying "I (heart) My Mom" and the mother's wearing a corresponding "World's Best Mom" sweatshirt, emblazzoned with sequins, ribbons, what have you. All of my friends were out at brunch or lunch with Mom, getting mani-pedi's or enjoying a weekend at home, wherever home may be. It sounds so nice, doesn't it?

Why am I filled with such disdain, you ask? I got the short end of the stick big time in the Mom category and fuck all if this doesn't make me feel really sad and sorry for myself. Sure, I have a mother in the legal sense, but I never ever had one in the emotional, unconditional love, make you feel better when you fall down and scrape your knee sense. So, when I see the scenes described above and become annoyed, it's because I'm jealous...and because I don't get it. Not at all.

This lack of empathy for a holiday that is supposed to be about love and appreciation haunted me yesterday. I remained busy, doing laundry and running errands. It never did occur to me that I would run into quite the crowd of mother/daughter couplets at HomeGoods and Target. That was a slap myself in the forehead moment. I did what I had to do, but it was hard and, when I finally made it back to the car, I rolled down the windows and blasted "Purple Rain" and sobbed all the way home.

You can laugh. It's ok.

I am (still) going to hell

I remember once when I was about 10 or so, I was in Toys 'R Us looking at Barbie clothes and I accidently left the store with a few outfits under my arm...without paying for them. I got about 5 steps out of the store when I realized what I had done and I immediately felt guilty and ran back into the store to confess my crime.

Since then, I cannot remember stealing anything...not even a pack of gum.

But last night, that all changed. The story is mildly amusing.

I left work with a medium level of annoyance for no particular reason, then proceeded to sit in traffic on the Pike for about an hour, which further heightened the aggrevation alert level to ORANGE. I still had to run some errands before I headed home. Recipe for meltdown? Yes.

First, I hit up the Hess station down the street from my house for some much needed gas for the car. The place was ridiculously crowded and after attempting to get up next to three different pumps, but being just moments too late before some other asshole snuck in, I finally settled in to good ole pump number 2.

I swiped my card, per usual, and started up the pump. After about 1.47 gallons, the pump stopped...and did not restart.

Now, in situations like this, I avoid actually entering the small store adjacent to the gas pumps AT ALL COST. No one speaks English and I just end up being a bitch. Not good for anyone.

An attendant approached me and explained (in broken english) that he would turn the pump back on, but that I would have to come inside to pay. Fine. Not an ideal situation, but I'll deal.

I finish pumping. $22.80 (I started will about a 1/4 of a tank) was the total. I enter the store and hand over my card. However...I cannot pay with my card for some reason which, even when explained to me, makes absolutely no sense. Can I pay with another card? NO. I need to pay cash.

Trouble is, I don't have that much cash.

You can use the ATM here in the store, he says, and he will refund the $2 charge. Trouble with that is, FELLA, that my bank charges me as well. No dice. I go back out to my car to attempt to rangle up $22.80 in cash. Not happening. Even with the cash that I have PLUS the random change in the car, I'm still about $2 short.

I can feel my face turning red and I see the line in the store getting longer. There are several other people having the same trouble.

So...I put the keys in the ignition, start up Lola, and drive away.

Victory is mine.

301st Post!!!

Holy crap...can you believe it? That's a whole lot of blogging on my part. Go me! I'm soooo 21st century.

I did the Walk for Hunger yesterday and it was way fun. I have blisters on the bottom of my feet, but I feel much better than I thought I would. Thanks to A and J for accompanying me and laughing at my jokes. That will always make you numero uno in my book.

It's Monday and I'm feeling good! Some stuff to do at work, should make the day go by pretty fast. Trying to get all this move stuff straight. I need to go furniture shopping.

Hmmm...hopefully the 302nd post will be more exciting (for you).

The Deep Post. Just Hear Me Out.

Since the beginning of the year, my ideas and beliefs about sex and relationships have changed. I've been trying to figure out if that's good or bad or...just is. I tend to lean towards the third option. I've learned so much about myself this year that it almost overwhelms me. Amazing people surround me, and have begun their friendship with me with no judgment. They really enjoy the person that I am. I never thought that was possible.

When I was in college and dating "the love of my life," I thought he was the last man I would ever be intimate with. To think how wonderfully naive that was, yet I am so glad to have believed it. As with any of my experiences in life or relationships or dates or flings, I would never change a thing. All these experiences are leading up to one thing...the man that really will be the most wonderful man in the world to me. He's out there waiting somewhere, and I know I will meet him when I am meant to.

Until then...I'm 26 and I'm having the best time of my life. Not everyday is great (please...you know me well enough to know I'll never shit rainbows), but there are days when it gets so damn near close to being perfect, those moments when I am so proud of what I have done and the woman that I have become, that I could cry.

To finally believe that I am a beautiful and successful woman is...

It's every emotion all at the same time. I've never felt the way I feel today. I feel free and liberated and ready for absolutely anything.

Am I proud of all of my choices? Duh. Of course not. Everyone makes mistakes and lets the clouds that blur their judgment roll right in. After all, every "mistake" is a learning experience. If I had the choice to go back in time and do anything differently, I never would. Because then maybe I wouldn't feel the way I feel now.

And why would I want to change this moment?

This moment right now. It feels so fucking good.

I haven't logged into Match or checked my Match dedicated email account in over a week. It's really quite nice and I like the break. The month of May is going very well so far. I know...it's the 3rd day of the month. But I love that the intense focus is gone. I think I've been taking the whole thing too seriously and perhaps expecting way too much out of online dating.

But would I ever take things too seriously? Naaaaaahhhh

I get happier and happier everyday about the decision I made to work in the city, and I know it will only get better when I live there. It's a lot to look forward to and

Am I a bit stressed out this week? Uhm, yeah. All of a sudden, there are a million things going on and I feel like I can't keep up with anything.

I'm trying to stay in touch with everyone and go out and have fun. I haven't talked to my sister in...I don't even remember how long. But it's ok because the break is good. I need to focus on getting my own act together before I walk into the drama vortex. Who knows what's brewing as of late. But of course I feel guilty for not having spoken to her, and I'm trying to ignore it, because I shouldn't feel guilty.

I just need to relax.

P.S.

Fuck Match Peter. This is the last time he will be mentioned...EVER.

(Unless a notable event occurs, of course)

She works hard for the money

Hmmm...not really.

I love my new job. It's very...managerial. I have someone that screens my calls. I can ask someone else to do mind numbing tasks. It's like heaven.

But really...I'm still new and I'm testing the boundaries around here. It's an interesting place, to say the least.

This week is a good week. I feel really good about taking a month off from dating. I know that you are all secretly hoping I don't stick to that, because then you would be much more entertained. You don't really care about my job or my upcoming move.

You care about the drama...the ensuing hilarity of my unfortunate online dating life.

It's ok. I understand. You can admit it. This is a safe place.

Hot Flashes and Memory Loss

I think I'm going through menopause.

Good Bye Moody, Hello Broadway!

That's right! I'm moving my ass to Southie!

As of June 1st, I will officially be a resident of South Boston. I'm pretty excited about it and I think it's the perfect time for a change of scenery.

Although it's really a shame I am not at all Irish, I have a feeling I will be welcomed with open arms regardless. It seems to me like the most forgiving part of town.

And I could use some love right now. Bring it, G Street!

Oh Wait! That's right...I have no patience for this bullshit

I haven't heard from Match Peter, and I don't expect to. He did leave his commemorative Patriot's cup at my apartment, along with some other "things," so who knows how important that is to him. Otherwise, I don't have the patience for this shenanigans. Yeah, he's fun, but the pros just don't outweigh the cons in this particular Match Disaster.

I know I've said this before, but I am taking a hiatus from my friend Match.com. He lies, he cheats, and he gets my hopes up just to rip my heart out and kick it while it's down. We're in a fight...and we're on a break.

I'm sure that I will still have plenty of material, so I don't want you to worry about that. I know you were stressin'.

I have other news, but it deserves its own entry.

Friday Night Fun

I saw Match Peter last night...all night. Yes yes...he's still a friggin' idiot, but last night was very fun. He's a machine, that's all I will say.

Does this make him any more attractive to me, relationship wise?

Nah...less actually. Especially after he was supposed to take me out to dinner tonight and totally bailed.

And that, my friends, is why low expectations are a wonderful thing.

I don't know how I end up being more of the grown up when dealing with a 29 year old man.

Oh wait...I do know.

It's 9:30 on a Saturday night and I cannot wait to close my eyes.

Uh huh...I changed the sheets.

:)

Mr. Right Now? Is that you?

Oh Match Peter. What will I do with you?

I met him last night to retrieve my watch. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was not expecting the events that unfolded.

Long story short, he claims we are hanging out tomorrow night. He told me he would come up with something for us to do. I'm all "whatever" because I don't trust him at all.

But since this is my blog, I'll be honest: There is something about him. What? I don't know. Am I curious to try and figure it out? YES. Should I try to figure it out. No. In the end, I know it won't be worth the effort.

Match Peter is...how do I say...a spaz. He is very animated and all over the place. I didn't know that someone like him existed. Is he a big dumb animal? Yes. Do I think we could have fun together? Yes. Do I think that it could ever be anything serious or long term?

That would be a big NO.

What's a girl to do??

I'll tell you: I'm living my life and taking it as it comes.

Celibacy must be the answer

Hello hello.

Oh Match Peter. You are a retard.

All week, I have been initiating all contact with Match Peter. He has done none on his own. Sure, he keeps returning my texts and emails but...what's a girl to think?

Survey says...He's just not that into you. And, because I can be a real psycho girl, I've been all tied up about it all week. I hate not knowing...Will I see him again? Will this go anywhere? Talking about it ad nauseaum with some amazing friends, and I was even getting sick of hearing about it.

SO...we had made "sort of" plans for Saturday but I didn't hear from him at all today SO I made a decision. I didn't want to drag this out until Saturday. I want my fucking watch back. (Yeah, I left it as his place. I DID NOT do this on purpose.)And from what I can tell, he just is not that into me.

So I send a text...he ends up CALLING me (for the second time EVER), asking me what's up, aren't we hanging out on Saturday?

As you may imagine, I exploded. "What's UP? You're not into me and it's obvious." NEW NEWS to him, he says. Then he mumbles something about "stability" and "normalcy" and I get WAY pissed off and then he says "this always happens." I mean...do I even need to go into this any more?

The conversation ended with him not being able to talk about it at work. Fine.

We agreed to meet after his Yoga class in Somerville at 9:15 this evening.

Now...this is the tough part. I had TONS of fun with Match Peter. I mean...it was a blast. I like him, I like his hot bod, I like his personality, I like that he likes me. Did I mention the hot bod?

Depending on how it goes, I'm not putting it past myself to sleep with him and run with my watch, never to speak to him again.

And then I think, if I can do it with a straight face and get away with it...oh man...that would really kick ass.

What will most likely happen? He will open his mouth and I will want to leave immediately.

But at least I will have my watch back.

Idol gives me a headache

I think a play by play is completely appropriate for this particular episode. I turned my phone off and everything.

You know I love everything American Idol, and I understand that they are trying to do a good thing with this. Raise some money, save some lives, give America a kick in the ass. I really get it. But it's futile. I suppose what discourages me the most is that, while this intro of Simon and Ryan amongst the impoverished in Africa is moving (in its own way), it will be forgotten about by *almost* everyone who saw it...and it will take about three minutes. Probably less. I give American too much credit. Oh...and the music in the background is Coldplay. Do I need to say more?

Am I being a hypocrite? Why yes, yes I am.

Song choices are something about the human condition blah blah blah. I think I heard something about Bono earlier, but I hope it was a daymare. Unlike most of the Earth, I can't stand Bono. I think he's a pretentious prick.

Chris is singing Eric Clapton "If I Could Change the World" and it's awful. Wrong song. Poor Chris. He knows he's not winning anyway. Valient effort to save it at the end but it still sucked. Hard. Randy thinks it was good, so does Paula. Simon...? He liked it. Hmm...I thought it was pretty shitty. Whatever.

Everyone has two numbers for voting. I forgot they do that when they get down to six.

Twice as much time to vote!!!

More footage...now from the US. Randy goes to Louisiana, his home state. Rural Kentucky...oye. Arizona...Atlanta, Ryan's home town...Paula hugging children

Melinda is singing Faith Hill. She looks good and she has lost that weird humble shrinking neck thing (for the most part). Uh huh...


Eh...maybe it's just me, but I'm not into this. It's too much of a lovefest. Ew. Where's the mean? Bring nasty back!!

I hope that doesn't make me a horrible person...much.

I love my life, I have no dreams

While I was doing the dishes, I was thinking about what I should write about.

I could talk about my dating life, but I had a bit of a break down earlier today, from which I have recovered, and I'm sick of rehashing the whole game. I think I need to be done with dating for a while. I'll have another go at it some other time. The universe doesn't have to hit me over the head with it anymore.

Entertainment Tonight used to be good. I remember once when I enjoyed watching it. So I tuned to it tonight at 7:30 for a change, as my usual background noise while I'm settling in for American Idol is The Simpsons.

ET is so bad that I can't look away, and I find myself shaking my head with my mouth half open in disgust. It is barrel bottom celebrity trash talk about B rated nobodys. One of the top stories for Thursdays upcoming show: Olivia Newton John and her anorexic daughter (I've already forgotten her name). Who the hell cares about this? I feel insulted that ET would even believe for a millisecond that this topic interests me AT ALL. I want Lindsay Lohan, I want Britney, I want some decent, meaty shit. If they are going to do it, they need to just take it all the way. It needs to be completely shameless, like anything on E! That channel is amazing and priceless (for the most part). A topic for tomorrow's ET show? Larry Dickhead with Danny Lynn "on a blanket" posing in some seedy magazine. What an asshole. I don't think I need to explain why.

Idol Gives Back. Really?

We'll see.

Dating for Idiots

Is there a book? Maybe a graph or something? Pie chart? Reference library?

It is just about 100% clear to me that Match Peter isn't Mr. Right. Do I still pursue? Do I continue to put myself out there? Eh...probably not. I think I'll let him come to me. The laws of communication and the games I play in my own head. I called him last night and why? I think he's fun and girls can be horny, too. He returned my call...I was asleep. So I texted him today, we went back and forth for a bit, and he doesn't reply to my last text, hours ago. I don't get it.

I hate the game and I hate wondering what the hell is going on. Do you like me or do you not like me?

Match Peter mentioned something about his last long term relationship being a "big mess" and "not getting into anything right away" or something like that. His profile says something about trust so I wonder what the story is there. I'm not asking. He's pretty fun, but I doubt he's the one.

I think I'm making such great progress with this realization. Yay for me!

Here we go again

So the pirate is finished. Did I mention that already? It looks beautiful. Even Match Peter says so.

Speaking of Match Peter. Last night was date number one. And it was a very long date...17 hours to be exact. Needless to say, I had a great time. And even if I never saw him again, it would be OK. But I hope I do see him again, as we get along well and he makes me laugh. Like laugh until my stomach hurts.

If you are interested in more specific details about said 17 hour long date, I am more than happy to oblige.

He's cute, smart and funny. The most dangerous of all trifecta.

Slim pickins

I got to page 12 of my "mutual matches" and realized that my dream guy, or anything remotely close to it, is just not on Match right now. Oh man...there is just nothing going right now on that site!

On a much happier note, I am very close to being done with my pirate.

(Don't front...you were way curious)

You gave me the idea

Match Peter is perfectly aware that I write about him in my blog. Why? Because I foolishly told him.

So, when I asked him if he was excited to meet me tomorrow night for our first date, he only responded with a generic answer, noting that I was going to post whatever he sent in my blog. He knows me so well already.

I accused him of stalling, that I wanted him to answer the question, and that I had been entirely too busy coloring to write about him.

So he returns my request with this:

If by excited you mean anxiously awaiting the hour of nine in the prime meridian time frame in the eastern standard time zone for tomorrow evening the 20th of April. Also know as 4/20 amongst the patchouli savvy. Than yes, yes I am excited.

Oh, I see.

So much for "advice"

Because I obviously live my life based on the advice of my horoscope, I was confused by Today's Daily Horoscope:

You might be thinking about the possibility of an impossible love, but don't fall victim to your unrealistic fantasies. Even if you want to escape, you must remember that first there are things that you must do. Enjoying yourself in real life can minimize your dependence on fantasy, but don't run out on any promises you already made.

Huh?

I just want to color in my pirate

Today was my first day at the new place. It was good. It felt like I'd been there for a while, which means I fit right in. It's super different. I can eat at my desk! There is a lot less activity within the office, but so much more outside!

Basically, I'm getting paid a whole ton more to do much less work. It's pretty fantastic.

But I'm tired. It was a bit draining. I had quite a bit thrown at me today and I'm still absorbing.

And plus, all I was thinking about all day was coming home to color. I didn't even realize that American Idol is on tonight. I'm a coloring addict. The pirate is just asking me to color him in tonight. His hat, his telescope, his feathered cap...I can't wait!

Oh! Match Peter (formally known by another name that also started with "P" but I thought better of it and changed it) emailed me today with a pretty funny link.

For your pleasure:
http://sjl.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=3efbc24c7d2583be6925

Oh Shit

I'm not gonna lie. I'm REALLY nervous about starting my new job tomorrow. I sort of know what to expect, but I sort of don't. I'm scared shitless!

But I'll get over it. I'm sure everything will be fine. Isn't it always?

I had my aura read today.

No, I'm not kidding. It was awesome. I highly recommend it.

I discovered that I need to be better to my inner child. And it completely makes sense. I never got to be a carefree, little kid, so the chick needs some serious attention.

I went out and bought markers and colored pencils and a coloring book. I also bought one of those books where you connect the numbered dots and they make a picture. Remember? It's magical.

However...that isn't the icing on the cake.

I bought a felt poster of a pirate. I get to color it in. I have one of the palm trees and the buried treasure done so far. It's going to look so cool when it's done.

I am so weak

Ah. I cracked. I texted Match Peter.

GOD DAMMIT!!!

Girly girl

This just goes to show you how much of a dynamo I am. It's fun for me to keep you guessing, right?

I really want Match Peter to call me. I really want to talk to him. I absolutely love the sound of his voice. He could read the Wall Street Journal to me and I would go craaaaaazy. We've been texting back and forth since I spoke to him on Friday, but no texts from him so far today. He's very clever. And I can already tell he can keep up with my extremely sharp wit (hahhaha) and that he's a social person and has real friends (eh ehm...this is a direct slam at Match Bill).

This mild desperation is, of course, not a part of the "personality" that I project most of the time in the "real" world. But I love to pretend that I am extremely confident and free of self doubt. It's so fun to think so!

But really, as most of you know, I will always revert to that little girl, just desperate for someone to love her. I hate that girl! She's such a whiny mess. I've pushed her out for the most part, but she rears her ugly head when men enter the picture. Why? If I had any fucking clue, it wouldn't be a problem. It's not like I have Daddy issues. Although...well...there are the Mommy issues.

Ew. I don't even want to think about how twisted that is right now. That's "you're paying to hear me talk" material.

Anyway, I've gotten off track.

I will NOT text, I will NOT call. It's against the rules for me to turn psycho over this one guy who is probably a creep and just wants to screw me.

I mean...odds are...

Just one of the great mysteries of the world

It occurred to me today that the majority of the staff at my gym (insert ridiculous gym name here), minus the trainers, are visibly overweight. Is that any way to bring in the clients? I can picture the introduction during the "new members" tour now...

"Well, here at our front desk are Mary and Wendy. They really can't move around too much due to their excessive weight, so they just man the phones. That way, they can stay in one place and won't embarrass the other gym staff by being out on the work out floor. Our corporate office made us hire them; some sort of ridiculous diversity quota we had to fill. At any rate, don't pay any mind to them. They only speak if spoken to."

The cherry on this sludge sundae? The owner of the particular franchise location that I frequent is a portly woman, at least 50 pounds overweight.

It doesn't make any sense. It's like a mind fuck...do they do that on purpose? Does the rest of the staff use them as an example?

"You better keep coming back or you'll look like that. You don't want that, do you?"

Don't get it twisted: I'm not trying to be mean. It's not that I have anything against fat people. God knows that, according to the American Board of Health, I am borderline obese.

But I don't WORK at a gym.

I can't figure it out.

Pain in the...

I'm not sure what I did to my neck in my sleep but it's super stiff on the right side and I'm really uncomfortable. Does this give me a valid excuse to be a lazy shit all day? Why yes! Perfect. After all, I only have two days of vacation left before I'm thrown into a whole new world.

So Match Peter ended up texting me late Thursday night, mere hours after I had given him my phone number, and told him to be quick about it. He is really good at following directions, which is great, because I'm bossy. I got the text yesterday morning (Friday), and Match Peter and I continued to text each other all day. I asked him about his Saturday night plans and he said he had some "tentative plans" with a friend but could probably bail. I told him NOT to bail on his friend, even though I was feeling him and really did want to go out with him sooner rather than later. Then he ended up calling me while I was on my way to go out (more on that later) and told me it was up to me: He could probably bail on his friend, but said friend is kind of a pansy and is already making a big deal out of it. So I told him to just go...even though he wouldn't be able to hang out again until the following Friday.

Did I gain major points? Eh...probably. Have I already established that I am the understanding, selfless, amazing woman? Sure.

But guess what? I still don't have a fucking date for tonight. Booo.

And I have not heard a peep from Match Dave. Ugh, lame.

In other news, I went out with some new friends last night and had a blast. These chicks...these chicks are cool and on the level. You know what I mean. No drama, no bullshit. And plus, I'm such a sucker for anyone who thinks I'm funny.

Updates to follow. I'm seeing a flurry of action on my Match profile, so I'm sure there will be unending entertainment. You realize if I ever find "the one," this blog will be shit, right?

Square One

I don't even want to go out on a date with Match Dave anymore. He's giving me the biggest run around and I'm all set.

I sent Match Peter my number today and told him not to wait too long to call me, because I'm very impatient. We'll see how he responds to my sarcastic bitchiness in all its glory. Something tells me he'll do well.

Does he have Verizon? That is yet to be determined...

My vacation is coming quickly to an end! But I'm excited about my new job. I wish I could be irresponsible and blow some credit card $$ on new clothes but...I just can't do it!

Damn you, Adulthood!!

Tricky tricky

This is one of the many reasons I hate dating. Argh.

So...Match Dave told me he was free all weekend, so I emailed him and asked if Saturday was good. He did not confirm. But he's been texting me, which is interesting, although not referring directly to the date. I even gave him an out and said "If you're not interested in hanging out, it's fine, just let me know." and he was all "No, I definitely want to hang out." Have I gone over this already with you?

I'm so impatient. I need to know when and where and what I should wear. Like...yesterday.

I'm trying to be breezy and not push it. It's just not my nature.

Hot Dog!

I could really get used to this not working thing. You would be amazed at what you can do to just waste a day away. And you don't even have to turn on the TV to do it! Why the hell was I worried about being bored?

In other news, things have finally turned around on Match.

Seems as though I have a date with Match Dave on Saturday evening. I emailed him today and asked if he was really into hanging out, because he didn't sound like it on the phone. And he was adamant that he wanted to. So that's good.

Match Peter sent me yet another email this morning with a link he thought I would find interesting/amusing. Eh...not all that wonderful.

OOoooo...I'm in the driver's seat now!

Damn

What an evening...

First of all, I cannot remember the last time I was still awake at 1am. I'm not sure if that is really sad or a sign of my responsibility. Whatev.

A review...

1. I called Match Dave. Not only does he not live at home, he drives a Jeep Unlimited AND when he does smoke, he smokes a pipe - a tobacco pipe - which I think is absolutely hilarious. Oh, and he's actually almost 6' tall, but wanted to under shoot his height. And about the sarcasm...he just doesn't like when he can't tell if someone is kidding, or if they are just being mean. Ah yeah...ditto. He gave me his email address and told me to email him tomorrow "if I get a chance." I just don't know if I can find the time! We talked for an hour. The weird thing is that he didn't bring up hanging out, so I brought it up. He seemed agreeable. We'll see.

2. Match Peter returned my email. It is mildly hilarious. I think I'll wait four days to write him back. Sucka!

Looks like things have turned around for the moment. I had to share.

Gawd!

After being so excited about Match Peter, he hasn't written me back after 4 days. So...I'm writing him off.

I'll give Match Dave a call this evening, unless something better comes up, which I doubt. He is my only prospect thus far.

I spent $40 on books at Borders, so I have to read them.

I totally forgot that yesterday was Easter. Did anyone else enjoy "Peeps at Sea" or "The Amazing Growing Peep"? Serious family fun.

Oh...and in case there are some of you out there who don't know this, I am off until the 17th, so the blog entries will be abundant. Yay for you!

I wish I was better at this

I'm terrible at trying to relax. Not having anything to do or think about makes me nervous. Of course I've put together a list of little projects for myself, but I don't seem to want to do any of them at the moment. And plus, MADE is on. And sleeping is so much fun. I woke up at 8:30 with every intention of heading to the gym, but instead went back to bed for another two hours. I even made myself a to do list for today!

I think I have an unhealthy obsession with Match. I'm not sure why I am so desperate to find "the one." Maybe I think that if it doesn't happen soon, it will never happen. I've never been in such a big hurry to not be single. I'm not sure where this comes from, but I don't like the desperation I feel. It's completely unnecessary and needs to go away. I might call Match Dave today. Perhaps when I know he won't answer...like during work hours.

I need to pick out a book to read this week. It's one of my mini time off goals.

Other online dating updates

No one else has winked at me besides Match Dave, and Match Peter has not written me back. If he does, you'll be the first to know.

Also, I have winked at a few other likely bachelors. We'll see what the next few days brings.

Match "Dave"

So I've emailed back and forth with Match "Dave" (his real name is fairly unique so I've changed it for our purposes) a few times and he gave me his phone number on his second email. He looks good on paper, he winked at me, but I'm a bit hesitant. And of course, I will tell you why.

First of all, Dave's living situation has "no answer" listed. To me, this means he lives with his parents. Why else would you list no answer? Hmpf.

Second of all, Dave apparently smokes "occasionally," and I believe it is up for interpretation as to how often "occasionally" really is.

Third of all, Dave's only turn off listed is sarcasm. Uh...he must be new here. That's my entire bag.

Fourth of all, Dave has 5'11" listed as his height, which means he's more like 5'9" to 5'10". He also may be a little pudgy, which isn't really a problem, but too pudgy is a problem.

Good things about Dave: He seems relatively clever and intelligent, he is getting his Master's in Special Education, he is a teacher, he looks pretty cute...he has a very cute dog and a Jeep. Most of you know about my soft spot for both of those. He also referred to himself as the "Swiss Army Knife of Fun" which is pretty amazing.

I'll let you know if I decide to call him. He is, in fact, "IN" (Yes, I asked) so I can add that to the plus side.

Part of me wants to call him and say something like this: "Look, I don't want to waste either of our time. Let me ask you a few questions...1. How often do you really smoke? 2. Do you live with your parents. 3. Do you know that I am sarcastic? 4. How tall are you REALLY? 5. Are you a lazy fat ass? 6. Is your dog trained and obedient? 5. What kind of shape is this Jeep you speak of really in? 6. Are your intentions pure? What are your questions for me?"

Is that too forward? My horoscope says Sometimes you can be so overconfident that others think you've gone too far. You might even surprise yourself with your boldness. Now, however, you can go beyond your normal limits and get away with behavior that would normally be unacceptable. Trust your intuition and just be yourself. Others are more willing now than ever to accept you just as you are

So that means he would be OK with that list of questions, right? Either that, or my worst fears above are true.

I am so wary of guys my age (He's 26) because they are usually just looking to hook up. Learned that lesson the hard way.

Eh EM.

this blog is ridiculously self indulgent

I feel like such a fun sucker.

I should have much more stamina and energy for going out, having a good time...I should want to try and find guys to hit on. Right?

I had the hair going on, some seriously fantastic eye make up (thank you, MAC) and even thought myself looking on the skinnier side. Good for me, right?

Tonight was really fun. It would have been more fun if everyone had stopped asking me whether or not I was having fun, and if no one had given me a hard time about the amount of alcohol I was drinking. That was just annoying. Just leave it alone. I had a great time, nonetheless.

At any rate, tonight was my send off from my old job, with most of my work peeps in attendance...or at least the ones who matter. It's interesting how you become friends with people at work that you may have never become friends with otherwise. It is also humbling. Tonight, I was humbled. It feels good, but it also makes me feel like a know it all up until this point. So I've told myself to shut the fuck up.

Because guess what? The world happens to be so much bigger than Stephanie, and she still has so much to learn about it and herself.

(Who knew?)

I should never write in the third person. Ever.

What was I worried about?

Oh! Finally!

Someone on Match wrote me back. My (online dating) self confidence is restored.

Someone who thinks I'm funny and witty. Someone who wrote, in his response to me, "I don't even know where to start with you."

Ahhhhh. I don't know, either.

Below, my initial email to him. I've inserted some helpful details from his profile to help you, the reader, follow along:

I see a hint in your "places of interest" to my favorite movie. ["Vegas Baby" which, of course, refers to Swingers, my favorite movie. You should really know that by now] That deserves an email...not merely a wink.

And I sure am glad you have that "no meathead" disclaimer [he in fact does have this disclaimer, which is a good thing because based on looks alone, I'd put him in that category] in there. I would never have known...Kidding, of course.

I'm sarcastic. It's a blessing and a curse. I feel the same way about guys out there as you do about women [he mentions that all of the "girls" out there are like vanilla ice cream, and he's looking for double mint chocolate chip]...they all look and sound the same, especially when wearing a Red Sox hat. Everything sounds the same, looks the same [I repeated myself here. I must have not proofread] and I'm relieved to come upon a profile that doesn't start with "I hate writing about myself" or "I never thought I would do something like this, but here I am." Thank you for that. I was about to go cross eyed.

At any rate...I would label myself as Mad Dog Mango sorbet [aforementioned comparison of women to ice cream flavors]...made up of mostly sweet but with hints of spice. I tried so hard for that not to sound corny, too. [I really did try hard but when I reread it...ugh. Yet he wrote back]

Hope to hear from you soon, Stephanie

And without further ado, his response and...Your introduction to Match Peter:

All I can say is "wow". I don't even know where to begin with you. Let's just start with I might possibly have the website you've been waiting for your entire life. I feel like I need a drumrolll or something but away, we, go:

http://www.wwtdd.com

I'll just let you examine it and come at me with comments.

So I thought I would be the big bear with claws Mikey and write back and not the little bunny in the corney Mikey and wait around. You cried when Phil Hartman died? Is it because Troy McClure died with him? I think that's so --- romantic. I've never fallen in love with a sentence before buy golly gee whiz I think you might have just done it kid. Congratulations. You won the forementioned website. I think that totally kicks the crap out of any showcase showdown prize. But I'll allow you to be the judge.

Hope you're having a good start to the night ---
Peter

Peter's attempt to impress me with the above website is such a valient effort. True...I had never heard of it, but it is along the lines of my most favorite celebrity-trashing website EVA: www.gofugyourself.com, which really can't be touched.

And by golly gee whiz...this guy sounds like he's on the level.

Wait...

I just realized that the guy who rejected me has a Glamour Shot for one of his pictures, and he's looking for ONLY girls with green eyes. He has 5' 10" as his height, so we know that means max 5' 81/2", which is too short for me anyway.

Oh...and he isn't exactly raking it in financially.

Ahhhh. I feel so much better.

I feel sick

I just got a "Thanks, but..." email back from a guy on Match I wrote to earlier this evening. Apparently we are not a match.

Uhm...not going to lie...makes me feel pretty shitty.

It seems as though the Match gods are not shining their light upon me.

I think someone is trying to tell me something.

Don't mess with me

Match.com has reported an "issue" with my new profile. Huh? I changed some words around for various things that may be considered sexual or racist or whatever (which is nothing) and it better go through this time.

Meanwhile...American Idol is on and the multimedia is giving me a headache.

The download:
Tony Bennett week is not my favorite. Yawn!! Should they sing the songs like they are written, Tony? Should they??

Blake: Always good, great voice. Something about his mouth still creeps me out.

Phil: Put a hat on and go home to your new baby. He gives me the creeps and, per usual, Paula has no idea what she's talking about.

(Speaking of Paula...the blazer, the scarf? None of it makes sense. Randy is gaining back all of his weight and Simon is showing chest hair. Nice henley!)

Melinda: Great hair, great dress. Love it. Duh. She's always amazing...when she's singing. When she's not, I feel as though there is something slightly...off about her. Is this like a Kelly Pickler deer in headlights deal or what?

Chris: The stylists seem to be pushing for the JT look alike thing. I don't get the useless suspender straps. But he's cute and he's talented.

Jordin: So cute, so young, so joyous. She's young and doesn't know yet...

Gina!: Hate the dress and the hair. I think Simon was a bit rough on her. She sang it well.

Sanjaya: I threw up. Everywhere. And then I laughed my ass off when Simon called him "Incredible."

(Match still hasn't approved my Portrait!!!! Grrrr)

Haley: Three words: Green disco ball. Way to flaunt the hooch...again. She needs to go.

Lakisha: I was worried one of her boobs were going to pop out. But she's diva-licious, of course.


I hate when people are in my apartment at 9 at night on a Tuesday and I need to go into the kitchen in my pajamas. I don't want to say hi to anyone or see anyone. I just want to get my fudge pop and be done with it.

Craisins for crazy

I feel a bit manic right now. I think I know why (besides the Craisins, which are delicious).

I have reached a point where I have truly triumphed in my professional life. It hit me today that I should be really proud of myself. And today, if only for a moment, I really was.

If I can do that, I sure as hell can apply it to my personal life.

So, I grew determination today.

Below, see my old Match.com profile. For those of you unfamiliar with Match, this is the "free form" section where you can write "about me and what I'm looking for."

I'm going to be really honest and upfront here because that's my personality. Happy reading!

I am a kind hearted person with an edge (it's indescribable for this purpose) looking to find a best friend and lover. I'm not interested in casual dating. I'm not interested in a male version of myself, because that's boring and I'm not sure it wouldn't drive me crazy. I need someone who makes me laugh and helps me relax. Admittedly, I can be a bit uptight. But admitting you have a problem is the first step.

For me, it's fun to have differing opinions in order to have some passionate discussions. Some things we should have in common, or have openmindedness about: politics, thoughts on religion, a "maybe yes, maybe no" outlook on having children, sleeping in whenever possible, working hard at our jobs and our relationship, and an appreciation for our families, no matter how dysfunctional they may be (or how annoying they can be). And dogs. Someday, I want a dog.

I am determined and driven. I like to get riled up. I enjoy my job and am successful in what I do. I'm kind of a nerd. And it would be cool if you were kind of a nerd, too. I want someone I can talk to who doesn't just nod and mumble. I'd like to be with someone who can teach me something about myself.

Sure, I can have my lazy moments, but I am a slave to my to do list. Read: a bit neurotic. (Again...admittance is key here!) Cleaning is a hobby. I know it's weird. It may have something to do with living with two men (no, I'm not dating either of them). I'm a neat freak, for sure. Don't get this confused with germaphobe.

I don't cook but could learn. Cooking for just one seems a bit pointless. I'm really good at following directions so it can't be that hard.

I like affection and being close. I'm a big snuggler and just plain old making out is one of my favorite things. Sloppy kissers need not apply.

There needs to be a connection, much more than commonalities and physical attraction. These two things are important, of course, but I don't have a particular "type" of guy I look for when it comes to the physical part. Personality is just as important. I mean it! And if I'm taller than you are with heels on, you need to be OK with that, because I could care less.

I am very sarcastic and have quick wit (majority of the time). You have to be able to keep up with me without coming off as arrogant and full of yourself (ditto for me). There is a fine line between that and confidence, and sometimes arrogance is covering up for lack of confidence. I have yet to meet a man who can hover over that line successfully. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I'm a sucker for silly bathroom humor and love movies like Tommy Boy. Farting and burping are welcome (more like required), so are beer and sports (especially baseball). I may be a bit of a square sometimes (see above about being a neat freak), but I also know how to be a goofball.

I've been rejected and done rejecting. I've read the book "He's just not that into you" and I get it. Just please don't make me guess.

I will have an opinion about almost everything and will never shrug my shoulders when you ask me what movie I want to see or food I want to eat. At the same time, I can compromise.

I am generous with my time and my caring. I don't need a man to complete my life, but I do want to find stud who gets it. Is that you?

There is no doubt that this is an accurate portrail of my personality and what I'm looking for, as best as one can write such a thing about themselves. I re-read it last night and something was missing. Or rather...there wasn't enough missing. I need to put the best representation of myself out there and that wasn't really it. I need to contain the crazy...at least a little.

On the way home from my second to last day at work, I had a great idea. What am I always talking about? What do I love? What can I get lost in?

And the answer is...POP CULTURE. Movies, music, celebrity gossip, television...anything! Big shout out to The Hindu Heat for the inspiration.

SO...here's the new "about me and what I'm looking for" section:

Do you like to talk about pop culture? Do you have many, upon many meaningful opinions on the topic?

Yes and Yes.

Just to name a few:
The dynasty that is American Idol. Ryan Gosling and why I think he’s the next Ed Norton. Why Justin Timberlake is an amazing musician and why I don’t think he’s hot. The great, good, bad and horrible of the television network that is E!. Why Paula Abdul is famous and I’m not. Why I’m sick of hospital dramas, and why Scubs is popular. Why I don’t have DVR or Tivo. The Netflix phenomenon. iTunes. Reality TV and what it says about the current human condition. Sub Sub topic: Come on! Are people really like that? (Specifically in reference to anything on MTV, and how I’m drawn in, despite the horror). Why Swingers is the best movie ever made and Fight Club is the second. Does Ryan Seacrest sleep or is he clone of Dick Clark that was created in a laboratory? What happened to Dunkleman? Why I do, in fact, love New York. Where James Fry went wrong and how he could make a come back. Books made into movies. Movies made into books. Great American Authors and why I can't help but read any book by John Irving. Actors that become politicians. Politicians that become actors. Why I hate James Taylor. Why I think Tarantino is over-rated. Why I think Linklater is under-rated. Spoiler Alert! Why the new James Bond is the best James Bond, and why the new bond girl may be the worst (concurrently, why I think it’s just fine that she bites it in the end). Why I want JK Rowlings money. What I think is actually wrong with Tom Cruise (concurrently, How society reacts to celebrity and how celebrity reacts to itself). Why I cried when Phil Hartman died. Why I don’t watch Lost, Grey’s Anatomy or 24. Why I hate Blockbuster. Why women don’t like video games and why men get lost in them. Why I need a high definition TV. Why “The Soup” is the best show on television. Why “Law and Order” isn’t. Why I miss Beavis and Butthead.

Why we need online dating.

I like it, quite a bit. I think it's fucking genius, actually.

Shhh...it's the craisins talking.

Faith restored?

Well, after sifting around Match for an 1/2 hour, I found that there are some normal guys on there. Normal, cute guys. Whether or not they will return my interest is another story.

Prepare for rejection...ready...GO!

Ok...ready?

Yeah...so not ready.

I think I'm going to take a break from Match. I don't think I can handle it. I know, I know. I have absolutely no patience and have only been back on for 5 days. I'm being unreasonable. It's just that every time I sign in and see none of my winks or emails returned (except for Tony the Jew, who insists on emailing back and forth millions of times but has not asked me out. I don't think he's that cute anyway) and only to be met with the interest of those I am NOT interested in.

It's not particular to Bill, but I feel as though my self esteem has taken a hit, in a cumulative sort of way.

Sure...I am a successful "business" woman and should be very proud of myself for my accomplishments. I'm trying...I promise.

But in the men department? DAMN. Can I have worse luck? Why put myself out there again just to find another wimpy, self destructive, emotionally illusive whack job asshole who ends up rejecting me?

No thanks.

What the F?

What is with all of the over sized, nerdy (not in a cool way) guys winking at me? NO no no no no. Maybe I need to change something in my profile. I mean COME ON...

Ugh...how completely demotivating.

Dating sucks.

I give up

Today is the kind of day where I want to ignore the harsh realities of the world and stay in bed. I won't because I'm supposed to be somewhere. If I wasn't supposed to be somewhere? I still probably wouldn't. The last thing I should be doing is making things worse.

I hate dating. I hate putting myself out there. I hate rejection. I'm so discouraged.

What the events of the last few months make me wonder is this: Maybe the universe is telling me that I am in fact not ready to find "the one." Maybe I'm supposed to concentrate on my career for awhile. Maybe I need more "me" time.

Even so, that doesn't mean that it doesn't suck.

Several minutes later

I have already sent an email on Match and looked around (albeit briefly) and I'm already discouraged.

For two reasons:
1. All of the cute ones have "a faith that is important" to them. Not for me.
2. I have to immediately pass over an profiles that begin with "I'm tired of the bar scene" or "I never thought I would try online dating" or "This has worked for a few of my friends so I thought I would try it."

Please. Enough. Come up with some new material. Use adjectives!

I did enjoy the happiness and calm for a brief, glimmer of a moment. It was nice, wasn't it?

(I KNEW something was wrong.)

And the rug gets pulled out once again

So yeah.

Bill isn't over his ex fiance. And you know what? I knew it wasn't right anyway. I feel bad for the guy. He was trying to force it just as much as I was. Sigh.

The good thing is that it gets more exciting for you, my captive audience. Oh Maaaaaaatch!

It smells like fried food in my apartment and it's making me sick.

I need to move.

Nothing good but everything

So things are going great, right?

Just landed this new, high paying, super fantastic job. Dating this great guy who really digs me. Credit card debt down, savings up. Everyone I love is alive and well. Hair is growing out nicely, I'm managing my weight and have even gotten comments that I look like I have lost weight (I know, a mystery to me as well). Roof over my head, great make up, nice clothes, great friends. Honestly, things have never looked better.

Because I'm an intelligent person with quite a bit of common sense (I think), I can recognize all of the above.

But I'm not enjoying it. In fact...I feel mildly miserable. Self doubt is creeping up, I'm second guessing myself and I just feel sick about it. Why why WHY?

Am I so used to drama that I'm upset about not having to deal with it?

It doesn't make any sense.

p.s.

Bill does in fact have the bandwidth to take into public and introduce to friends. Family? Not yet.

I told you I was neurotic.

A literal pain in the ass

I was thinking about writing this very graphic, potentially offensive entry about a recent physical problem of mine, but I thought it was entirely too much. But I will tell you what it would have been about: 'Roids. That is all I will say. Use your active imaginations. I have no doubt you'll come up with something more horrifying that I would ever imagine to write. Or some of you would.

Next up: The last week and a half of work. It's extremely difficult to stay motivated. Gmail and online shopping are terrible distractions. It I had iTunes on there, it would be all over.

I need a vacation.

I feel as though things are going pretty well for me right now. Let's not break the cycle of good!

But you know what happens when things start to go well? Say it with me now...SABOTAGE. Yes, that's right. I'm already finding things wrong with my current state and nit picking. It's a terrible habbit that I need to break. It's just hard when you are so used to living life with this perpetual sense of dread. But awareness is the first step towards change or whatever, right?

Unfortunately, shitty things are happening to people that I care about. In some cases, really life changing, shitty things. That's not cool and it makes me very sad. I hope they know I am here for them.

Why does listening to David Gray make me so fucking sad?

Bad blogger

I just realized that I never wrote about meeting Bill's friends last week when we all went out for his birthday.

They were all very nice and welcoming and funny. I did not feel left out or a non-member of the in crowd for the entire night. I can tell they care about Bill.

He will meet a new friend of mine tonight, along with a bunch of people (who I was promised will be cool) that I have never met. Out in public...with people I know...

Maybe that is why I'm freaking out. Will he be a social perahya (some of you will notice that this has a double meaning...)? Will he complain about the crowd (I'm sure I will)? Will my friend think he's cool, will I think he's cool?

Ah fuck. Why am I so neurotic?

Freaking out is the name of the game

Alrighty...

I accepted a new job on Wednesday and gave my notice here. I told the team yesterday. The client does not know yet, so it doesn't seem real to me. I'm supposed to be working on filling all of these jobs that I have open, but I have this overwhelming feeling of anxiety today. I can't focus and I'm freaking out.

The new job is so huge and such a great opportunity that it borders on scary and intimidating. Self confidence will be key, so let's hope I get that back in full force soon.

I am so wishy washy about Bill. It's driving me crazy right now for some reason. I was doing so well! I like him, then I'm just "eh" about him. I need to and want to let it ride. All signs point to him being a good guy for me. And am I nit picking it in order to sabotage it or am I really "not that into him"? Who knows. What I do know is that I hate how he never asks me how I'm doing. I can see now why the ex broke up with him due to lack of communication. He knows he's bad at it, and acceptance and awareness are usually the biggest hurdles to overcome. He has been great about me being a cranky bitch, and that's hard to come by. He lets me do laundry in his apartment. I told him to buy a new mop and clean his stove...and he did. He makes me laugh, he cooks me food, he makes a mean cocktail.

Dammit!

Too much at once, too much at once!!

Who knew that making a mess could be so fun?

So I made dinner for Bill last night and it actually turned out fairly well. Who knew?

What I liked about cooking (and the clean up afterwards) is that it was a project with specific steps and a definitive beginning and end. And I get to follow directions and cross things off a list? What's not to like?

Needless to say, Bill really liked it. Sure, he isn't the best at expressing himself, but he knows it and he tries pretty hard. It was cute.

I stayed last night and this morning was a rude awakening. I'm not used to human interaction before I take a shower and put on my makeup on a weekday morning, so that part was a bit rocky. He sent me an email today about how chipper I was.

What does he expect when he turns on a light in the pitch dark without warning me? That I'm going to shit rainbows?

Predications are fun

Ryan Gosling: Next Great American Actor

Proof thus far:
Half Nelson
The Believer


See them.

Blogtard

Bill's birthday is on Wednesday and I am doing something that I literally thought I would never do: I am attempting to cook something. And not just anything, but an actual meal (with appetizer!) using an actual recipe.

Anyone who knows me knows that cooking is not something that I do. It doesn't interest me and it doesn't seem fun. Everything tastes better when someone else makes it anyway. So why bother?

So it occurred to me earlier today while I was searching for a fish taco (Bill happened to mention last night that this is one of his favorites) recipe online, I must really dig this guy. Not only that, but he told me that I didn't need to make anything, didn't need to do anything at all in fact. Is he just being polite or does he really mean that? I think it's safe to say that the latter is 100% applicable. I know this because this is what I always say to people who say they are going to do something nice for me on my birthday. Half of me wants them not to bother because I will most likely be disappointed anyway, but the other half of me really wants that birthday surprise.

I told him last night that me doing anything for his birthday was going to be terribly difficult for me to figure out what to do, and it's so hard this early in a relationship, and I'm just so busy, I don't know if I would be able to swing anything at all. Of course I was being a huge bitch on purpose. And the sweet thing looked at me so sincerely and said "I never make a big deal of birthdays anyway. Don't worry."

So fuck it. He gets his surprise. And I'll even sleep over on a school night.

So what if my sister questions my ability to boil water and blatantly told me to "stay far away from the kitchen"? Just because she has known me for my entire life doesn't mean she knows what she's talking about.

It will be fine.

(Right?)

oh shit it's been a week

For all you who use this blog as a primary source of entertainment (as you should), I really do apologize for my lack of posts this week. It's been a difficult last few days and I haven't had it in me to muster up the high quality of wit and sarcasm to which you are accustomed.

I'm still not quite there yet, but I promise to be back soon.

Just be patient and stop you're whining.

Subsection

Bill is away this week curing cancer, so I need to write about something else.

I think I'll go with my job. In one vein, I work for one company, the one that signs my paychecks. In another vein, I work for two companies. Imagine working for an international corporation (and all of the politics that go along with it) while, at the same time, working for a privately owned corporation (and ditto). Exhausted yet?

Everyday, it's worlds colliding on a high level. It has become increasingly difficult for me to do the main function of my job because of all the fucking corporate machine bullshit. Recent "policy" changes have made it increasingly difficult for me to be a corporate cheerleader, which is a huge part of my role. Added to that, I am underpaid and therefore extremely unmotivated. At this point, the whole situation is just soul sucking.

I have reached a state that I refer to as "The Rot." The Rot can be something you feel about your job, your relationship, or any major part of your life. In any case, you have reached a point where you stop caring about the outcome of your decisions and it is a true struggle to get out of bed in the morning. You may have an underlying anxiety that is constant or a bitter taste in your mouth that you just cannot get rid of. It is not that you wholly despise it, it is that you have this vacant feeling, as if the reason you once loved something has drifted away and may never be captured again.

But the shadow of why you orginally accepted your current state remains, and perhaps you feel as if you need to give it a fighting chance. So you stay...and wait.

It's been too long

It's been an eventful week. I was absolutely exhausted all week to the point where I made myself sick, so I stayed home on Friday and slept...all day.

Friday night, Bill and I had tapas and watched The Professional. We also made a date to "consumate" our relationship, if you know what I mean. Next Saturday when he comes back from his trip. He even sent me a meeting request through Google Calendar for the event )duration: one hour), which was absolutely hilarious.

But I was still hesitant yesterday and I felt like I was really on the verge of ruining the whole thing. I wasn't sure why I couldn't just let go and enjoy spending time with someone who was really into me, or why I was nervous about taking the next step.

I went over Bill's again last night, as he is leaving this morning for a week for business. I had an attitude and was defensive about everything that came out of his mouth. It was awful. I felt like such a crazy person. So...in a last ditch attempt to salvage the evening, I came clean...squeaky clean.

I laid it all out. I'm scared, this is all so new to me, I've never done things the "normal" way with a guy, the way that is functional and healthy and blah blah blah. I wanted to start the night over and I was sorry I made it awkward...

I was doing this while I was cutting tomatoes for the salad, not looking at him because I was too embarrassed. He stood next to me, with his hand on my shoulder. When I was done talking, I looked up and he was smiling at me. He leaned over, kissed me, and just said "I know."

For whatever reason, that turned the tables for me. I let my guard down and we talked about all the reasons why being with other people had never worked out. Bill was with his ex for fours years. They were engaged for 8 months and she broke it off because she didn't want to get married...to him. I told him about Nick and how I thought my future was all laid out for me and then it was shattered, and I had to rebuild.

It wasn't too heavy and there wasn't any crying on my part, which is nothing less than a miracle. It was just right.

And we went ahead and rescheduled that Google Calendar event for a week early.

Is it possible for my faith in men to be restored?

It just might be. Between Bill being all sensitive and cuddly and a great cook, and the excerpt below, I'm starting to become a believer.

I sent Match Mike his walking papers a couple of days ago and, fearing a reply, I sort of whinced when I saw that he had actually written back.

He has this to say:

Hi Steph,
Obviously, I'm sorry to hear that. You're a great girl - it's definitely my loss.

On the other hand, thanks for being honest and up front - that's pretty hard to come by in the world of Internet dating (at least in my somewhat limited experience). I did have a great time hanging out with you at dinner, so I'm happy to be just friends if you're in the mood for that.

Either way, best of luck to you finding someone - whoever he turns out to be, he's a lucky guy.

Michael

Damn that makes a girl feel good!

Just that little bit of self pity is enough to put me over the edge

I hate my hair, I hate my nails, I hate how tired I am and I hate my attitude. What is WRONG with me?

I'm going to blame it on "too much going on" and "late nights" and "medication adjustments."

Yep...all THREE of those things.