50 shades of asshole

Ooohhhh... This is a real good one, that needs no context. Enjoy! From user names "50shadesgrey": haha, you seem to NOT be the normal complete trash on this website...you have substance :). im quite interested and allured by you. Clearly i dont put much stock in this site so here is a bit more details about me :) Truth be told i am just out of something serious/sticky. not looking to jump back in but at the same time...and probably something you can COMPLETELY understand...we all have needs. I dont show my face because im not looking for the online NORM(SERIOUS dating) so i require a bit more discretion ;) however im not...i repeat NOT...some drunk asshole player frat type guy looking to FUCK any chick in sight. ive gotten all the one time random gross encounters out of my system in college. i now KNOW what i want...what im doing...and my limitations...im looking for someone in the same boat. i desire SEXY...SMART...WITTY...COMPLICATED...COMPLEX....and yes a bit naughty. and im not talking like whips and chains and tie you up kind of stuff...im talking QUALITY....knows what she is doing..LOVES IT...CRAVES IT...gets off on the thought of it...is as much of a giver as i am....knows what she likes and doesnt...assertive...aggressive...but at the same time i understand that she is still the GIRL..and has the need to be HANDLED...thrown around..told what to do..told she is a good girl..hair pulled...kissed deeply...gagged and choked a bit..spanked slapped and dominated...all that fun stuff ;). im looking for an EQUAL...someone who can handle a no stress no drama casual relationship because she understands that YES even though she is looking for something serious she understands at the same time that she has needs that need to be fulfilled and like me is very particular about who fills them. i hope this wasnt too much for you and i didnt scare you away. im honest and forward because i dont have time for games nor do i wanna hurt you...youre either up for this or youre not....we can start with texting/phone calls and go from there. i promise im worth it even if im not exactly what youre looking for...let me know ;)

You've got to be shitting me

This will be a quick one, because I need a nap. From user stillavirgin1: "You have a nice smile. I'm Justin" Some choice snippets from our Virgin's profile: Big country music fan. Likes to swim. Not verygood at cooking. I like vanilla candles and lotion. I like to be given a good spanking with the wooden spoon. That is all. Isn't that enough?

BroZO

Oh...oh HEY For my very small number of readers, you may already know that I am back on the dating wagon! Last go around, I know I posted some amazing english as second language stuff and this time around does not disappoint. Here, an exchange between myself and my "friend" who I will call Max: Max: hi stephphanie, how you doing Me: Let me guess...english is your second language? [I also read his profile before I responded] Max: its not exactly second language but i do have mother tong? English falls between first n second. how you guess? I am contacting you because of your smile and you live next me. Me: I can't tell if you are kidding or not Max: hows your day.you are nice n kind Max: hey where you been. I want to met you Me: Sorry, not going to work out. Max: you make me sad. what you looking for. may be i will be your good friend. AWESOME, right? And now, a snippet from Max's profile: I have just moved to this area because of work. I am looking for friend with whom I can hang out and enjoy the time .I am an honest guy with a good sense of humor. I am like to visit new place. Going out for dinner and movies. spent time with friends watching games. grab cold beer and play pools in bar. I am average looking guy who is looking for sincere, loving woman in my life. And a few days later, an additional message from Max, as if he had forgotten all about our previous conversation: Hi Stephanie, You are gorgeous. Your smile is amazing. I hope you are having good time this summer. By the way, My name is Max and I work in west borough. I shit you NOT.

I me wed

Oh shit! Where have I been?

Oh I know! Trying to live life away from my television and laptop. It's going...kind of well.

Since the fiasco with A.M., I was pretty traumatized with the online dating scene. However, I didn't delete my account or anything. Somewhere deep down inside there is a small, sad piece of me that awaits my Cyber Mr. Right. Heavy sigh.

While still waiting, a fellow messaged me that seemed intriguing, so I replied.

Side note: There have been a string of guys who haven't even made it to the in person phase and I think I've figured a way to screen out the crazies. Case in point...

So onto this fellow. He was REALLY into unnecessary capitalization and punctuation, which I've discovered, and maybe this is part of my slow decline into senility, that I am a real stickler for not only common proper grammatical usages, but also formatting in general. (Run on sentences are obviously one of the many exceptions. Hypocrite!) But just as an example: If you use an exclamation point at the end of every sentence, it really just completely loses any semblance of poignancy.

But enough about me and my charming quirks. Some history on, we'll call him...Erik. Because that's his name! He sent me a message and I gave him shit about the blaring errors in his profile and he actually wrote back, which I wasn't expecting, and then he asked me some really lame questions...Who's my favorite actor? Ugh pAH-lease...SO in order to actually start to get somewhere, I asked him a thought provoking and an It's Really Easy to Give a Crazy Sounding Answer to This type of question. I asked him about the hardest thing he ever had to do.

This was his answer:

The haredest thing I ever did was to marry myself in a ceremony after my sons mom cancelled the wedding on us, and left me while she was pregnant with our son. We got engaged and then she got pregnant, so it was such a new start for me, a new life, I was so excited for all the possibilities and a new life and for her to back out of it, given all reality of what she was walking away from, left me shocked, heartbroken, sad and overwhelmed. So on the day we were to get married, all of my family gathered, per my request, and I married me to myself. I had everyone there pick from a hat an aspect of life that they would carry for me. for example Strength, passion, love, honor, freedom, joy etc etc....They picked it, and then I said to each person there how much they meant to me and how much I loved them and thanked them for carrying that quality for me. Example...my mothers was "Strength" so she carried that for me, as a symbol of support. I then had everyone there tell me what they loved and appreciated about me. It was an amazingly difficult, and life changing day for everyone there, but it was also one of the most beautiful days of my life, other than the days my kids were born.....
So since we're now getting deep... I have one for you... Tell me about the last time you were moved to tears by something that took you off guard, and left you feeling like WOW, what just happened....?

I mean, this is just riddled with inconsistencies. If you have more than one son with this woman, was the first one born BEFORE you actually wanted to marry her, and then when she was pregnant with the second you thought you should make an honest woman out of her? Or was that her FIRST time being pregnant, she left you at the altar, and then you went back for more torture and knocked her up again?

Secondly...this guy obviously has a few screws lose. I have a legit chemical imbalance and I would never EVER do anything this crazy, nor would I participate in humoring someone to do something like this. What the?

So, for simplicity's sake, my reply was short and to the point, although I thought about not replying at all.

You married yourself?

Hmmm. I don't think we are going to go anywhere, bro. That's a little too deep for me.

He did NOT like this.

It was symbolic....I guess you've never been in that much emotional pain to understand. It was supposed to be our wedding day. Everyone was here from around the country to be there. Things were all paid for, hotels, car rentals etc...What were we gonna do, all sit around and shoot the shit...I made lemonaid out of lemons....I didn't REALLY marry myself but it was a symbolic ceremony of LOVE for all my friends and family, making the best out of a bad situation.. If you cant' understand that, then I guess you really don't like going deep, and that to me is sad. We need more feeling people in the world...maybe one day you'll understand. Remember you're the one who called it out of me, to say something real and revealing, well there you have it, careful what you ask for.... ERIK

Now, I thought about replying to this, with something along the lines of placating him like..."Oh no, you are totally right and WOW that must have been hard, You're right, I am sad because no one has ever hurt me like that." But that is SO not my style. So I thought about replying with something like "Uhm...why didn't you just have a big party? And do you really not know how to spell lemonade? And could you BE more stereotypical in the way you're patronizing me?" But then I thought it was best to just not reply at all.

I think you need a Bro, bro (Part II) aka The Un-Breakup

(Please read Part I first)

So on Sunday, I gave AM a call. I told him it turns out I'm not ready to date and that it wasn't fair to him for us to continue seeing each other. He protested quite a bit, of course, and then hung up on me. I was relieved. Alright! That's over!

Not quite.

He then proceeded to send me a series of text messages saying how harsh it was for me to do this and how he could never be friends with someone who would do that and I would never hear from him again. Alright! That's over!

I wish.

Early Sunday morning, he sent me a series of drunken messages saying what an asshole I was and screw you and you're an asshole and you're immature etc. etc. Ok, so he's really done now, right?

Nope.

Then this morning he sent me a text about a book he let me borrow, and about how he was sure he would never get it back. I replied (this being the first time since I broke it off that I responded) and said I would send it to him. He replied that he didn't care, he was just glad he didn't give me anything important. Alright! That's over!

Still...no.

This afternoon I got ANOTHER message from him about how he was sorry about the other messages, that he hated that he missed me, and he didn't understand, and didn't think I was telling him the real reason etc. etc.

I thought about pasting the actual messages here, but it would be too long to read and my summary is really quite enough. I'm hoping if I keep ignoring him, that will be the end of it. Something tells me it won't.

Needless to say, I'm off of online dating for a while. This shit is craaaazy.

I think you need a Bro, bro (Part I)

I'm not even sure where to start. Some of you who read this might not believe it, but please trust me when I tell you it is 100% true. I could not, in a million years, make this shit up.

So, you have a little background on AM. Dramatic, needy, financial mess, but I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. He was very nice to me and complimented me a lot. What girl isn't a sucker for that?

This past Friday night, when things were progressing to the "next level," I made a shocking discovery about AM.

Some background: AM had told me one day a couple weeks back that he had a big secret and he was afraid that if he told me I would never speak to him again. I was thinking...felony, STD, etc. etc. Then he tells me he has a condition called gynecomastia. I dare you to look it up on Wikipedia. Put simply, this means man boobs, or moobs, or mitts (man tits). Now I didn't think much of it, besides the way he told me being unnecessarily dramatic. I can think of plenty of guys that I have dated that had a bit of an A cup. AM isn't fat, but he has a little extra on him, and I thought he was just self conscious about it and found a name to put to it. I moved on, and didn't ask questions.

Fast forward to this past Friday night. He had his shirt on, and I had my arm all the way around him so that my hand was on his side, under his armpit. While there, I felt something...foreign. At first I thought it had been my imagination, but then I moved my hand over than area again. Definitely something there. So I asked him "What is that?" and he got very defensive and said "I TOLD you, it's my PROBLEM" and I said "Yes, I know but what IS that" and he said, quite simply: "It's duct tape."

It was a good thing it was dark in the room because I must have had the most shocked look of ALL TIME on my face. Uhm...what? Excuse me? I didn't know what to say so I paused a second and then said "Oh that's intense" to which he replied "It's the only think that works."

I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I stayed around for half an hour or so to not make it too obvious but then I bolted. Even if he was the greatest guy in the world and we had tons of chemistry, I don't think I could have participated in that. As it was, he was NOT the greatest guy in the world and we had pretty much no chemistry.

So then I had to come up with what I was going to tell him as to why I couldn't see him anymore. It had to be something simple, perhaps a slight lie but not so much of a lie that I would feel like an asshole. And I had to do the right thing and call him on the phone to do it.

Continue to the next post for the stunning conclusion.

Is Duckie still single?

I was really starting to like Andrew McCarthy, or AM to keep it simple. He is funny and pretty cute and seemed to have his life together. Sure he has a few dramatic and extraneous things going on, but I was willing to be understand and look past most of it. Come to find out, boyfriend is reeeally bad with money. I'm actually embarrassed for him. Oh so embarrassed.

Now before I tell this story, I want to be clear on one thing. I am NOT of the breed of woman that thinks her man should pay for absolutely everything. Sure, a sugar daddy would be great, but I don't like feeling like I owe a man anything. It's unsettling.

Nevertheless, a man has to have some kind of cash flow available to fund dating, if that is what he chooses to do. AM doesn't seem to quite understand that. Last night, we went out on our third date. Things were going well, chugging right along, until we went to dinner, at a pretty cheap restaurant, and he couldn't pay the bill. We're talking less an $25 here.

* As a side note, I should give you a little history: First date, he paid the entire bill, and only accepted I provided the tip when I persisted (After all, I am an independent woman). Our second date I footed the bill, and while he offered tip, I did not accept and he did not persist. When I do the math, the third date was his turn.

Back to date number three. I've been told my opinion on this is a bit harsh, and maybe that person has a point, but I think that there is absolutely no excuse for this. To quote another friend, big boys have checking accounts and credit cards. He knew for days we were going on this date, and had plenty of time to move funds around, which is what his excuse was for lack thereof. I don't care if you are planning to spend money or not, there should be, at all time, AT A MINIMUM, $100 in your checking account. And a credit card, of which I have several and which aren't all that hard to get, is an excellent back up plan. I'm not saying I'm interested in dating someone with huge amounts of credit card debt, but what I am saying is that it's nice to have that safety net.

But it gets worse. When I footed the bill, he said he would get the movie. Ok so...you don't have $25 in your checking account, but you have $16? Then, you'll just never guess the bad luck he had. The theater's computer system was down and not accepting cards, and only cash. Ha! And I heard this straight from the source, so this wasn't some tale he weaved for me. Soooo I had to fork over cash for the movie, too. The oh so ironic part is that I had stopped at an ATM earlier to get cash because I like to have it and I thought I might need it. Good thing one of us is prepared.

After the movie, I asked him if that kind of thing was going to happen all the time. I mean, I need to know what the deal is and I think that is fair. He was apologetic and embarrassed (maybe not as much as he should have been) and told me, No, of course not.

So where does this leave me? I really don't know. In my mind, this is a biiiiiig problem.

Kim Cattrall would be so proud

Update!

I have in fact mentioned aforementioned dude here before. He's the one who is afraid of mannequins, so I don't need your help with a code name.

We'll be calling him Andrew McCarthy. Bonus points good for purchase if you get the reference without looking it up on your IMDb app.

Yes I will be checking my baggage

Oh my GOODNESS.

To my three readers: Lord knows you are sitting around biting your nails and compulsively hitting the refresh button on your phone browser, just waiting for a new blog entry to appear. I'm sorry I put you through that, but girlfriend has been BUSY.

First of all, my state board licensing exam is a week from Saturday. It's totally not a big deal (uh huh...), except that if I don't pass, I lose my initial fee of $68and have to pay them more money to retake it. So, I need to pass. I'm very nervous. You see, they don't make it simple. The exam is completely different from how you would actually perform a service. The order of things is all jacked up and your model isn't even horizontal. You have to pretend you are a doctor prepping for surgery. That's how insane they are about sanitation and hygiene. Irregahdless, I've been jamming in the studying. I still have some time. Phew.

Speaking of time, the last three weeks have gone by scarily fast. I mean between pretending to do work while searching for a new job and scurrying around going on dates and having my phone blow up with potential job offers, I've been flat out. However, I am still making time for my Netflix Queue. Phew! I know!

What was that? Dates you say? Plural? That's right, bitches! Two dates with the SAME guy. Now I haven't mentioned him here, only because our first interactions weren't all that amusing or anecdotal. Our first date was last week and he was really nervous. Like so nervous he hardly ate. The second date just a phew days ago was much better. He's very sweet and he's really into me. That's the first problem. How am I supposed to function like that? A guy asking me about my feelings and shit? Huh? Then there is another huge caveat: He has a crazy baby momma. From what little I can gather of her, she sounds like a girl from Springer who wears a gold necklace bearing her name in shiny cursive letters (I wish I could take credit for that one). Said dude (I'm taking code name suggestions!) mentioned something about my style being "simple and elegant" (Barf, right?), which can only mean she wears Ed Hardy inspired clothes (she can't afford the real thing!) and possibly teases her hair.

Ok ok. So he's a nice guy. He has some issues sure, but I have mine, too. They just don't involve a baby and restraining orders. Who am I to judge? And no, I don't want you to answer that.